Parents Always Telling You How to Raise Your Child

A.,
I am now a grandmother and my mother "still knows the best way to raise children". I guess some people will always want to give advice and never welcome it back. What works for me is to simply accept the way my mother is and not take what she says personally. If you can get to the point that you can say "Thank you for sharing" and still do whatever feels right to you then you have arrived.
Wishing you all the best.
With my whole heart, C.

Oh A., I do understand your feelings of upset. I also had a problem with my mother-in-law doing the same thing! I just hated it so much. Much of what she would say, I thought was WRONG!!!!! My children are now grown, and my mother-in-law has passed. I wish she could be back with us again! No, some of the things she said were not what I wanted help with....I didn't want any of it, to be exact...but some of it I SHOULD have listened to. My children grew up to be very wonderful people, but one of my children was just like my husband, and if I had listened to her, I MIGHT have saved myself a little grief. No, when she said that my BABY should be potty trained at one year....I am glad I did not listen....she thought she should be spanked when she wet. Of course not!!! BUT.......some of her advice was good, and worth listening to. Now that I am a grandmother.....everything I say is right!!! LOL LOL
No, seriously, try to listen with an open mind, then think about what was said, and when you have looked at both sides, THEN decide what you think is the right way to do things. Even when you do the best you can, EVERY parent has done SOMETHING the wrong way...you included. When your little ones are grown, and have children, you WILL understand why she is doing what she is doing. Don't you hate that when people say that to you!!! LOL It is true. Good luck!!! We all have to go through this with someone!!! Everyone thinks they know the right way to deal with EVERYTHING. Maybe if you tell your mom that you value her ideas, & suggestions, you will think about her seggestions, but you will decide what is best for your children in the end. Maybe she just wants to hear that you value her ideas. Maybe if you tell her the reasons why you do things the way you do( doctors advice,& books), she will understand that you do not need her telling you how to do everything. Just love your children with all your heart, and use as good judgement as you can, and be as loving to your mom as you can be, keep an open mind, and you will be fine.

Grandparents always think they know better, one day with your grandbaby you will do the same (anyone who thinks they won't is decieving themsleves). But there are things you can do to help squash it without confrontation, and without leaving the family alienated.

I'll give some examples to what you have said they have said. When they told you she shouldn't eat with her hands simply say "Then I don't know how she'll learn to eat with a spoon if she can't find her mouth, she is more then ready to be creative with her food". Or were you are inflexible with her schedule "I know it seems that way, but she really likes the routine". Or if she needs a diaper change "she probably will be ok, but it makes me feel better knowing she isn't wet and won't get a rash".

Acknowledge that they aren't stupid, but do what you want anyways. WHen I had my oldest, especially since I was young everyone thought they could do it better and had advice. One of the things I said all the time was " Thanks for something to think about" and then I would do what I felt was right.

It helps if you remember that they are coming from a great place, and almost always mean no harm, I say almost cause there are some who just are not reasonable. Then remind yourself that soon enough they will be heading home!

went up against the same thing with my mother in law...told her flat out one day, "i have rules and boundries for my children and just because we're visiting grandma/pa doesn't mean they change" then scolded my then one year old for her behavior and left it at that. just put your foot down...You raised me to be a great mom and i MAY or MAY NOT be paranoid, but I AM her mother and I DO Know what is best for her. just tell them they need to respect that you and your husband are agreed on how to raise your daugther and as grandparents they should just enjoy their grand daughter and let you two raise your child. good luck.
ps, in laws didn't like what i said at first, but respected me for saying it and eventually respected my wishes where my children are concerned

Hi A.. Well I think most parents experience this. I got it from parents, grandparents, strangers, and sometimes still do. I deal with it this way...if it is a person (or grandparent) that we don't see often I just kind of grin and bear it for the small things that don't matter. (like the fact that I don't want my son to have that 7th piece of candy in a row!!) I try to remember that they love their grandchildren and want to spoil them. For the bigger things I have put my foot down and at times I just say to my child, "Mommy said..." and express that I am the mom and I just laid down the law. Several times this has worked because the grandparent has seen that they are causing an issue with my child and my discipline/rules, so they back down. As far as the other things that you are doing as a good mom, like the schedule, changing diapers, etc....I agree with other advice. Just smile and say thanks, or don't say anything and go about what you need to do. What it boils down to is that it IS your child, and YOU are responsible for the care and nurture of that child. I've noticed that everybody seems to have an opinion about how I should raise my children. Some are good and I take that advice....others I just let go. One great-grandparent had a comment about everything from my daughter's shoes, to her food, and where she slept. I'd just smile and once even politely said "boy I bet things sure are different from when you raised your kids." Most of the time they do mean well....but when you are putting your whole being into your mothering it can be a jab to your self esteem. I say good job to you for doing all you can to be a great mom. It sounds like you are succeeding. Good Luck. :)

LOL. My mom just told me today that if my 2 year old daughter whines now, she will whine when she is 20. I said, "really, at 20?" She said my brother and I never whined or had any of this little misbehaviors. I guess she was the best mom ever!! Ha ha. Just try to shrug it off and know you are the mom and mom's know best.

It's probably stressful to have them visit for a period of time anyway - just do your best to get through!
Good luck!

Hi A.,
My MIL does this a lot. She will even look up things that we tell her the doc said on the Internet just to make sure that we "understood" right... Sometimes I will tell her why we are doing things this way (we want our daughter on a schedule so she is less tired and crabby) and other times I just tell her it's a good idea and promptly forget about it - - and sometimes it really is a good idea, but it takes until I have settled down to realize it! :-) Good luck and just do what feels right with your baby.

I would just tell them in a stern voice that this is my child i will raise them how i want to. I have a family of 3 aunts and a grandma that are defensive and i just say oh okay when they give me advice. but you know what they all say that me and my husband are doing a pretty good job. and when my grandma tries to tell me oh he is just a kid. I say yeah he is, but he is my kid and needs to do what i say. ( i am a little strict. because i have seen how kids are raised with no discipline and dont want my child to turn out that way) I guess one thing you could tell them, is i dont need your advice and if you dont like it there is the door. some times you just have to be a little mean. good luck.

Since your parents don't seem like the type to take a hint, or an outright suggestion for that matter I would simply say, "thanks for the suggestion" and move on doing what I was going to do anyways. Eventually, this may show them that you don't care for their advice.

Hang in there- you are not alone! I had this problem when my ex and I split up. My oldest daughter was not quite 10 months old and I wasn't making enough money to pay for an apartment and support us (besides the fact I got no support from my ex), so they offered to let us stay there and finish my bachelor's degree and work so I didn't have to worry about rent. It was very helpful and nice, but I remember quite a few times where I got very frustrated because they wanted to do things differently. I remember trying to wean her from her bottle was hard- she weaned from nursing without too much drama, but she always wanted a bottle in bed with her and I knew this could mess up her teeth and knew it was time to wean. I had just gotten her almost weaned and my dad decided she wasn't drinking enough milk (even though the two of us drank about a gallon a day by ourselves), so he started putting the milk in the bottles and wouldn't hear my insisting that he wouldn't, even when I showed him the research telling you not to. My now husband ended up taking all of the bottles out of the house so that they weren't there at all and she did fine. Things are a lot better now. Sometimes, my mom will start doing things that can get on my nerves, such as feeding my almost 6 year old like a baby after I told her she can feed herself and she needed to let her (finally I told my daughter "You can feed yourself, you are not a baby" and then my mom said "Sweetheart, Mommy wants you to feed yourself") and repeating what I say, but most of the time, I can just shrug it off. They mean well. It sounds like your parents don't live close and so you don't have to deal with this too often. One thing I've learned with my parents is if they say something I don't agree with, I'll say "That's interesting, but I've found with my kids, this works better" etc. I'm curious what other moms say. I had a conversation about this with my cousin's girlfriend who has a very hard time with my aunt. My aunt doesn't believe in disciplining at all and will yell and scream at her for even putting her kids in time out and threatens to call DHS on her. Obviously, she's very frustrated too.

A.,

Easier said than done, but just brush it off. One, they dont live with you so it is temporary. They mean well, but you are the momma!!! You can just smile, thank them and do what you know is best. You cant change people. Especially your mother. :) So dont beat yourself up trying. Two, we get a bit defensive when our parenting is questioned. I know I do! I have learned to just put my own hurt feelings aside and let it go. I know I am doing what is best for my child and I know I have alot to learn too. So, dont let it get to you. Family and friends are going to give their two cents regardless of what you request. As my wise mother in law always reminds me, this too shall pass. :) Her advice I relish, but that is another story.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough without having your parents put in their two sense worth. Over the past seven years, my mother and I have been having a similar issue. Things came to a heated blow last year over it. My advice to you is to thoughtfully pray about it and sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Before your feelings get hurt anymore and then you explode on your mother. I had to tell mine that she had her turn raising you and/or your sibilings, and why there were things that you will do the same, there are things that you will do different. When she is consistently nagging on you that you are not doing things right, if makes you feel less of a person. Just because you are not doing everything their way, doesn't mean it isn't right. If you have to do what you feel is right. I don't know how far your parents live away from you, but you might have to tell them they can't visit for a while. Its hard, but you have to draw some boundaries for your own insantity. Hope things get better.

My mother, my father, and my sister told me for years that I was an unfit mother and, if I did not do as I was told by them to do, they would have my children taken from me. I thought my husband had put an end to their evil backstabbing but, as soon as my children left on their own, they latched right back on to them. I am defenseless against these people, they are very talented in manipulation. All I can do is get used to not having any children.

My mom even tried to stear us in the "right" name choice. I got so sick of it I burst. I told her she had her chance to name and raise her 2 children and if she thinks she did it wrong, its way too late now. Now its my turn to have a go at it, and we think were doing an okay job. We have people compliment us on how well behaved our children are.

This isn't to say if I ask for your opinion that I don't want it, but please wait till I've asked.

It isn't 100% better, but close to 90. I even let my Mom have her own pitfalls- such as: When we went down to visit her, she swore her room had nothing in it that could be destroyed. She soon learned they have their ways of getting stuff off the ceiling and then heavily started listening to what I had to say.

If it comes to the health of your child (wet pants in cold weather), its up to you to stick to your guns. If she believes your are so inflexable with your childs schedule, write it down and take advantage of the fact that you now have babysitter and take a night or 2 for you and your DH. See how much the schedule means to her then.

If you do confront her, a point to make was that she had her rules for a reason, just like you do now. Yes you are going to get some things wrong, but they are your mistakes to make and you will learn from them.

I hope you are getting some good advice on this site!!
J.

I also had a mother who was never wrong, and with whom I couldn't discuss anything.

To borrow a line from Dr. Laura, every time she gives advice, tell her "Thanks for the input, Mom. I'll consider it." And then stop discussing it.

I have learned over the years, being a single mom of two kids that the best answer to unsolicited advice is "well, thanks, that makes sense and maybe I will try that or think about that next time". You acknowledged their advice, doesn't mean you have to listen to it. My ex left before my son was one and even my brother who is single and no children felt the need to dole out advice. It caused a lot of tension until I just listened to what he said and let him know I heard him but didn't mean I had to do it, right?

I think all parents think since they raised you that they know better. If it is only during visits that aren't very frequent, let it slide. If is is a lot then maybe just telling your mom you are finding your way as a new mom and you KNOW you are doing a great job and what you are doing works for your family. Period. Being confident in your choices will help her trust them. There will be a time you may need her advice so best not to cause conflict.

Sounds like what I have to deal with too. I sometimes just bite my tongue and say "uh hm" and move on. Then I make a mental note to NOT do the same to my children when they are grown!

I have been in your shoes...and it is tough when everyone is telling you how to raise your child. Even tougher when it is your mother. The thing I learned to do is just listen to what they have to say and then say thanks I may try that. And if its a critical remark then just nicely say well I think I will stay with _________ until it doesn't work for us anymore. My experience was with my inlaws so my husband finally just told his mom flat out that I was doing fine and our son is healthy so just focus on playing and spending time with your grandchild. She backed off and did just that...enjoyed the time with her grandson. That may not work for you but just remember to take things with a grain of salt and she just wants the best for you.

I have the same problem but not on your scale. Actually, I would listen with half and ear and take what you can from it and leave the rest. It only causes hurt feelings if you confront your mom. Or other family members. Sometimes there's a nugget of golden information that your mom may pass on. Good luck and try to keep your temper. Happy New Year.

A., if you are really at the end of your rope, it is time to set some boundaries. Please get "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud. Great book and it has saved me more than once. If you have gently asked your mom to plesae quit offering advice and she hasn't taken the hint, it is time to establish boundaries. Sit down with her, let her know how much you love her, and appreciate her. Tell her that you need to be able to take care of your child in your own way and that her constant criticism makes you feel inadequate. (She will probably say something to the effect of "you are over-sensitive" again. . . just ignore and continue on. . .) Let her know that the subject isn't open for discussion any longer. In the future, if she continues to treat you like a child instead of an adult, ______________________ will happen. I don't know what boundary you feel comfortable with, but set one and most important, STICK WITH IT!!! She will test you, you will make a consequence, she will have hurt feelings, you will all get over it and move on AND she will stop offering advice. Good luck!

Dear A. P. I am a mother of four Children and 3 are married and one teen. Im can tell you it is realy hard becuse as your children grow you get youse to giving them your advice and telling them what to do, becouse you are the mom. But when thay grow and become mom and dad them selfs you have to learn how to let go and see them make mistakes. And some times the temtation to tell them what to do is realy strong. So try to under stand where thay are coming from and jently remind them that you are grown and can make your own decisions and if you make mistakes its ok.
I also have a mom living and can tell you that some times she can get under my skin. Some times I have to not talk to her for a wile untill I can come to terms with the things she tells me. At times I have to come out and tell her that she has crossed the line. This is realy a growing experance for me and her and realy helps me cope.

I hope this helps!!!

C. J.