Frustrated!!!

What an idiot. Some men just WILL cut their nose off to spite their face.

Go ahead, have your anger C.. But go to court SOON for child support and custody before he knows what hit him. The longer you wait the harder it will be for you to be taken care of by the court.

A court order for immediate/mandatory child support will cement your case. Get a lawyer to set up a hearing. If you need support, call Chrysalis (in Minneapolis). They have a $20 legal clinic. GO, GO, GO! Now.

Hi C.,

I am sure you are a good mommy to your precious children! I am so sorry that your BF made such a bad decision...

PLEASE, I would STRONGLY ENCOURAGE you to GO to the court to get child support and custody for you in regards to your children. I know you said that you already filed for assistance and child support. Is this with the county/ state?

I would also encourage you to DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. If you need to present information before the Judge they want stats and details from you. Times, dates, places, types of communication. If he is not wanting to see the kids now, and changes his mind later when he has to pay support, it's important for the courts to see his motivation (money or kids).

There is an agency I used awhile back called CHRYSALIS. It is FREE for women. They have a ton of programs and classes- and they typically offer childcare at their main sites. They are VERY kind as well. Lots of names for referrals if you need anything too. (I took classes from them and also obtained the name of a GOOD attorney from them- Brian Clausen, off of Enegry Park Drive by Bandana Square. Good man, honest, ethical, effecient, and will be an advocate for women and their children.)
Chrysalis also provides a class called Sandcastles (I think that's the name of it)- it talks about divorce and the separation. Even though you were never technically married, you basically lived as if you were married and the separation for you and your children places you in the same situation as divorcing. If that isn't appropriate for them, they would probably have other ideas of books, classes, help for talking with them. They are really good at helping women and their children. It's empowering, not suppressing or oppressing.

It's so important to actually verbalize to your children that it is NOT their fault:
Exlain without details that their Daddy has been making some bad choices and that his choices are NOT THEIR FAULT. That he is responsible for his own choices, just as they are responsible for their little choices. But that their Dad's choices are NOT their fault and that they did not do anything to deserve being sad or hurt.
Acknowledge their feelings:
Tell them that you are so sorry that they are feeling sad, angry, frustrated, scared, abandoned, etc. (they are feeling it, just like you... They just need to know that YOU understand them and how they are feeling- or else they will act it out in other ways.) If they are feeling a certain way, try to help them to make appropriate choices in HOW to express it- safely.

None of this is about badmouthing your ex because he is still their dad and always will be. However, it is about explaining good/ bad choices to them and the importance of feelings. You seem like a smart mommy. They just need to know that you know how/ what they are feeling. They need to know it's NOT their fault. They need to hear and know that they are good children. They need to know that YOU are not going to abandon them.

Are there other significant people in their lives who can be a support to them and you?

If you need anything, please email me.
Again, I am so sorry that you are walking through this greif and rejection. His choices are just bad. Unfortunately, he will probably do the same thing to the other woman as well...

You are in my prayers.

Blessings to you and your precious babies,

G. H.

I know this is very hard on you and your family. My advice would be to try very hard not to talk bad about their dad in front of the kids. I would just explain to them that Daddy is having a hard time right now and is feeling confused and has made some choices that we may feel are not right choices. With that being said explain that you all need to give him some time to work out some issues he is having. Maybe suggest having the kids make him some cards and send them in the mail. You could have the kids express how they love and miss him. I know it is very hard to be kind to someone when they are not being kind to you. The kids will probably feel good doing something for Dad.

I am so sorry C. for your boyfriends bad decisions. Keep your chin up and know that you deserve better if that is the kind of man he wants to be. Is the grass greener on the other side??? I think at first it might seem that way, but the newness always wears off and he will be in the same boat again. Some people just have a hard time staying content. It has nothing to do with you!!

Bless you and your precious boys!!

Boy...that sucks! To help the kids get over this...I'd start by explaining the many dynamics of families. Children who are adopted, or grandparents who rear their grandkids as their own children, or families that have 2 moms, or 2 dads, and families that have 2 moms and 2 dads, or families that have 1 mom and 1 dad that live in 2 houses, or families that have 2 moms and 1 dad, which could be your situation if your ex's plan works out like he wants it to. It sounds really ishy to hear, and even harder to say, especially to your children...but your kids are too little to even remember that this woman was not in their life that if your ex's plans work out with this women, eventually...she will be a stepmom to your children. ISH!!! But, that is the fact. Just prepare them for the fact that dad and mom live in different places and still love the two of them very much, but they can be better moms and dads for the kids if they live in 2 houses. And, that dad and mom may meet a new person to be another mom/dad for them (because currently, they don't know about her) and that they might learn to like her. You may also find someone to introduce to your children. Search for some good of this, even though it's hard to see, but they need to see the positives in this...even though you are jaded...as anyone would be. I can only imagine what you must have going on in your head...what an ishy feeling...the whole dang scenario. I hope for the best for you and your kids.

Hi C.-
I live in New Brighton.
I'm sorry--not much more to say than this. You should be and it's good you're angry- a phase of grief.
Be strong for your kids.
Soon they will be old enough to understand the unfairness of what has been done.
If you want to chat about making some part time income, email me. I do a home business and we're close by and I'm looking for part time help.
I have young 6yo twin girls, so I'm not able to pass much along to you- other than support.

B. J
____@____.com

I know a woman who had two-year old twins, was pregnant with their son, and then the husband left her for another woman. I met her 4 years later and she was still angry and bitter. I have other examples, but the bottom line is that men are not always what we want or need them to be, and if they are going to leave like that, you are better off without them.

I think you have done the right thing, filing for child support. He shouldn't be let off because he's decided to walk out. It's not like you have that choice.

You didn't say what you do--if you stay home or work outside the home. Do you have support of family or friends? Bottom line--take care of your own sanity so that you are the best you can be for your boys.

As for the boys, answer their questions, make sure their needs are being met. They don't need all the details. The reality of it will hit them soon enough. It's such a fine line, though. You don't want to withhold too much so that they blame you. My guess is that he will eventually want contact with the kids, and the question is "then what?" Don't force him to see his kids, but if he just walked out, maybe he needs supervised visitations. I'm not sure if you can look into that before there is even an interest, but the more prepared you are, the better.

Good luck. Take care of yourself and your boys. I love my husband, but even the good ones can be stupid, so the stupid ones do things that seem inconceivable! Sad, but true.

I have three children. My oldest is 10. I never married his dad either. I have since been married for 6 years and have two children 4 and almost 3. My 10 year olds dad is a great dad now, but it took a long time for him to grow up and figure it out. He spent the first year away completly because he felt guilty he was not able to financially support Aaron. Then when he finally came around, I flat out told him he needed to show up every other weekend or not at all. I told him I understood that things do come up, but that he needs to call ahead of time and reschedule if he is not going to be here. Aaron has had a very positive role model in my husband for 7 years as we met just before his third birthday. And has always called him dad. He has two dads, and that's just the way it is. Kids are pretty resiliant, I would not worry about them too much. Your ex will come around and want to spend time with them again. But it the mean time, you do need to file for custody adn child support. If he gets married and then files himself, he may have leverage because of his marriage to get custody. You need to take action first. Send me a line if you and your kids need a play date sometime. Mine are about the same age:)

Make sure you have a good lawyer who you trust. Support your kids emotionally and physically. Don't talk badly about their father in front of them (I know this is hard but it pays in the end).

He didn't leave you for another woman, he left because of his own issues. He will leave her, too.