Frustrated - San Jose, CA

Hi Emily,

The first thing I would recommend is that you do not get frustrated with her. When you get upset she wins.

Sit down and talk to her and find out why she is acting the way she is acting. Find out what she likes and participate in the activitites that she is interested in also. When she acts up let her know that is not excepted. Do nice things with her when she does well. She will want to do more to please you.

Hope this helps.

N. Marie

How old is she? Maybe it's the age. I have a 8 year old who at times can be very trying because he just tunes me out.

I recommend the website www.enjoyparenting.com. The author of that website is Scott Noelle and he's a parenting genius. I subscribe to his "daily groove" email which is free, and it gives me a boost every day.

One valuable technique I've learned is to "hold a mirror" up to any behavior/thoughts/feelings we are experiencing in relationship, in order to find ways to get unstuck. From what I'm reading here, your main concerns are that your daughter doesn't listen and does not appreciate you. So, holding up a mirror, you would wonder if your daughter feels listened TO, and if SHE feels appreciated by you. You could ask her if she does feel unheard and unappreciated if you want, then empathize with that feeling (which you well know is quite disheartening). Then mindfully practice listening to her and appreciating her. This will change the dynamic of any relationship. You can choose to stop fighting--Scott Noelle has lots of suggestions for other ways to relate instead.

Good luck and thanks for writing. I can see this dynamic is heartbreaking to you and I encourage you to keep trying for change!!

Hi Emily -

Regardless of how old your daughter is, a few things to try:

--DON'T ARGUE. Arguing does nothing but create conflict and escalate the situation. So, just stop. It's a bad cycle to be in, and resolves NOTHING.

--PICK YOUR BATTLES. Kids can be quite self-centered, and depending on the age, it may be appropriate that she behaves this way. Figure out what you really need her to do, put your foot down by giving her consequences and stay CALM when she faces a consequence. Don't belittle her, don't use namecalling, don't yell. Just say no and walk away.

--SHE IS NOT YOU. Lots of parents run into problems when parenting a child who is tempermentally different than they are. My guess is that your older daughter is more like you, and your younger daughter is quite different. That's okay. Let her be her own person.

--GET HELP. It's possible that there is something else going on here, or that the situation has gotten to a point where you need outside help. There is nothing wrong with that -- the 'wrong' thing is needing help and not getting it. I have the numbers of some good family counselors -- feel free to write and I'll give them to you.

Finally, know that you are NOT ALONE -- each and every one of us has been in this cycle with one of our kids at one point or another. Annoying as it is, it's normal! :)

J.

There's an easy way to talk to kids that doesn't make them defensive or argumentative, a few books teach it - it ought to be taught in school, lol, instead of letting us flail around not understanding why our kids don't listen to us. "Between Parent and Child" by Haim Ginott is the main one, then a couple of students of his wrote a series of great books including "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk" by Faber & Mazlish.

I switched to this way of communicating when my firstborn was 4,and it worked great. Now I have two more kids, losing my mind and need to read up again to get a refresher course, lol. The neat thing is that the way of talking in these books works if you apply it (with age appropriate adjustments of course) to any relationship in your life. It can really change things, it can bring peace to the household like you have not felt in a long time if there has been conflict going on.

You don't say how old your daughter is. If they don't listen, it's our fault. It's because we don't give them consequences, we just argue with them. I'm really guilty of arguing instead of parenting. I just grounded my 15 year old for the first time in her life because she's been talking back too much and raising her voice to me. I'm going to try to stop reacting to her (arguing), and just calmly take control. (And she's a really good kid too, but she's still a kid.)

Hi Emily....two children? how old? how many goodies? how much freedom of choice? house rules/structure? family respect?

You have left a lot out...spill and you will get some really good suggestions. (SUGGESTIONS ONLY) You are the Mama, you have to lead.

Blessings....

Hi Emily,
Try the book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adel Faber-- it's got outstanding advice on how to aommunicate with your kids and avoid so many unnecessary arguments. Also, as a therapist I would say: look at how you've pigeon-holed your kids. I doubt very much, if you really looked at it, your younger daughter is 'always telling you stories' or 'always listens' more likely she does it more often and you globalize, which makes it harder to see when your older daughter does listen, which may frustrate her.
Best of luck!

Is there something that she is really into? Hiking? A band? Maybe you can plan a day for just the two of you, but centered around something that she really enjoys so she is less likely to give you attitude. Try to take a sincere interest in her hobbies etc. There has to be consequences for her not listening and being disrespectful. I suggest having a family meeting so it isn't like you are picking on just her and state what the house rules are and what the consequences are for not following them. Then be consistent. It sounds like both of your kids are old enough to understand the rules and follow them. Also, no matter how hard it is, try not to yell when she gets too you. She probably feels like right now that the only attention she can get from you is negative attention, so she has learned how to push your buttons and continues to do so for the reaction. If you have to, count to 10 before you respond. If you stop reacting she is less likely to continue the behavior. As for not caring about how others feel and think etc, you should try some role playing. I know it sounds corny, but it is really helpful for kids to see other people's perspectives. I already know that when my daughter is a little older we are going to butt heads. She is only two now, but we are so similar that there is no way we are making it through the pre-teens without some conflict. I am just hoping that I am able to keep my cool and keep that incredible bond we have now. Also keep in mind, once kids are school aged they face all kinds of stress and playground politics, so when things are hard they tend to take it out on the ones they know will still love them even if they are rotten. It may have nothing to do with you, just misplaced frustration that she doesn't know how to handle. Try to open the door to communication so that she feels like she can bring her problems to you and talk to you without feeling judged or getting in trouble. Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

I agree with Jan T and to add one more thing... she's also NOT your other daughter. Don't compare the two, especially out loud in front of them. It just causes contempt and rivalry between them. Not to mention a rebellion to be different than her sister.

Remember, you are the parent... not a friend and not a sibling. Don't argue with her, it sounds like she knows how to manipulate you (even into getting mad). When you get angry, you lose control. Don't give that power to her, she's only going to take advantage of it and eventually start demanding more from you. Its only natural. People take what they can from people who give it up.

Hey Emily, you don't say how old your daughter is so its kind of hard to suggest solutions. She must be a little older (9?) b/C it sounds like power struggles galore.
1) Do not engage in verbal/physical combat
2) ACT. don't wait to REACT. this is the hard part. Make eye contact and give her your expectations, benefits, and consequences.
3) Hold your ground. if you said that the consequence for hitting is no tv, then stick to it. Maintain your integrity by keeping your word. Just like if you said you'd take her out for ice cream.
4)POSITIVE ATTENTION. that's all kids really truly need. No attention or negative attention is the fastest road to rotten behavior.
5) try to step back and see this as her developing her own decision making abilities. Help her establish boundaries by giving her ideas and letting her choose.

Read the book "How to hold on to your kids"......it taught me a great deal about connecting and how it eases discipline problems.
P..

Hi Emily,
I am not sure how old your daughter is, but I know the feeling. My daughter is now 24. We used to fight about everything. I don't know what your fights are about, but I had to learn to let go. There were so many times when I got so frustrated, I didn't know what to do. I decided there were certain things to just walk away from. For example, the type of clothes she wears, shoes, and one of the biggest things was to keep her room clean. (there are so many more) I noticed when I started to lay off certain things, she became less argumentative and more appreciative. She also had to help me around the house to earn stuff, rather than "give me". This all started around the age of 10. I kept saying it was due to hormones. It was probably 3-4 years before it got better. My mom and I used to fight all the time, and I didn't want my daughter and me to be the same way. I am not sure if this helped you at all, but I thought I would share. Good Luck

There is amazing advice here. Just one little note from me. Understand children don't naturally know how to appreciate. You need to tech it to them by modelling it or teaching them responsiblilty. Have her earn her "special" activities. Give her jobs to do.
Good luck. It's so great that you are searching this out!

Knowing her age would help us give you better answers.
What makes you think she's unappreciative? Every kid shows appreciation in differnt ways, some are not bubbly and outspoken. Maybe you are expecting too much from her. If you have her geared up to believe that if she doesnt show thanks and gratitude immediately that she is "the selfish child" then you have created this problem. My mom is that way with me, always has been. I always felt pressured to express instant gratitude when in all reality I would have rather gone to my room and wrote a poem of thanks, or if my mother would have secretly listened in on conversations with my friends, she would have heard me say what a great present I got today or what a fun time I had on a trip.... and she then would have known "yes, I was appreciative". All kids are different. Treating your daughters equally is key. They are both differnt people and will teach you about themselves daily. Being a mom means never let them see you sweat.
You say she doesnt listen, but trust me, if you are talking she is listening. She just may not respond the way you want her to. Buy her a journal, encourage her to write, she just seems a little introverted to me. I'm assuming she's at least 11, a tweenager..... and she's struggling to find her place in this world. Love her like she is or you'll find her all tatted up and pierced one day because she'll look for another way to gain acceptance and make her parents crazy.
You are the adult, pay close attention to what she does seem to like and slowly steer her.

Check out this website http://www.loveandlogic.com/ it is a very empowering parenting method.

Hi Emily,

I feel your fustration. Kids can just drive us crazy!

One thing is, cut way, way back on tv/computer time. Especially broadcast cable TV. I REALLY see a difference in my kids when they have tv time. (and I don't have cable, just videos to watch) I would edit all movie watching to only G rated, and even then, be particular. The movies of the day love to portray broken families and especially sassy kids with no respect for authority or anyone else. These are bad examples and we don't want our kids to role model it.

When you talk to your child, gently hold her shoulder and bend down so that you are eye to eye. Be right in her face. Give your instruction once, in a very calm and nice but authoritative way. Be polite. Ask her to repeat it back to you.

If she disobeys the instruction, YOU KNOW FOR SURE she heard you and she has disobeyed. This is now where punishment for disobedience must happen EVERY time. WHen you know the child will pay for the crime, there is no need to be angry. You may even feel pity. But be loving in your discipline and mostly be consistent. You are trying to break a habit that she has been allowed to develop. It's going to be hard but hang in there.You are building character that will stay with her the rest of her life.

Even if my kids say they forgot, they still get punished. Why? Because there should be no excuses for disobedience. (Unless they were physically restrained from following directions.) Someday they will have a supervisor, and saying "I forgot to do my job" won't stop them from being punished (fired !)

Robert Shuller once said "Tell them they are , what you want them to become." I use this strategy a lot and it WORKS! It works where in contrast belittling our child's failures doesn't work. Kids generally do want to please us, they long to be patted on the back. A habit we parents get into is telling the child of all the bad habits he/she has. But if you can catch your child doing something good, and truly complement it, watch those children bloom! and even become what you are suggesting. For example, I told my son after he picked up a penny a handed it to his sister, "God gave you the gift of a giving heart!" Boy, after that he really filled that role. He's always thinking of what he can give others. To my youngest I said" wow, you are a great cleaner! I have never seen another child who can clean as well as you at your age" She has lived up to that suggestion! To my oldest I said" I think it's neat how the little kids look up to you. I bet it's because you really get down to their level and talk about things that interest them." She is the pied piper of the little kids now and has found she truly does love them.

Lastly, don't underestimate the power of God to work in your family. Pray out loud for your family, ESPECIALLY after you punish them or after a fight. Pray with your daughter. and with her listening... ask for God to give your daughter a heart that "sees M.'s pain and M.'s desire to be close again..M.'s desire to grow in love and forgivness...and Lord help my daughter forgive me for my shortcomings, and lord, help me forgive my daughter." The Lord has the power to change your household by changing you first. He can do that only when you have asked him to come into your heart and live there (he is a gentleman and won't come live with you unless you ask.)Once he resides there he can work on you, and in turn , your whole family. It works. try it. The bible says "taste, and see that the Lord is good"

You are going to have to rebuild your relationship with daughter. You may both disrepsect eachother and many times may not like eachother. Both of you probably harbor resentment. Until these emotions are dealt with and forgiven, you will not move into the loving relationship you are desiring with her. Everything you need to know about how to relate to others is in the Bible. I've read a LOT of help books,in fact several of the family self help books listed herein by others. They all have their great points, but you still have to deal with anger and resentment. That emotion/sin is from satan and he wants to see your family fail. The Bible has laid out every step to defeat the sin of satan. Read it, LIVE IT, and it will change your life. Read, Proverbs, Ephesians, Romans, 1 Corinthians, Phillipians, Luke, John, Peter and James.

"Train a child in the way he should go (in righteousness), and when he is old he will not turn from it" Proverbs 22;6

"All your sons will be taught by the lord, and great will be your children's peace" Isaiah 54:13

"A wife of noble (God fearing)character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies...Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her"
Proverbs 31:10, 28

Unfortunately you didn't say how old your daughter is. I assume she is a teenager, this is very normal behavior - very frustrating, but normal. Teenagers are trying to figure out who they are, what they believe, etc. It is normal for them to become very egocentric. They act out mostly with us because we are safe. If you are hearing positive things about her from other people who she is involeved with outside the home that is reassuring she is on the right tract. I try to be straight forward about what I can and can not do and why. Like I can't take you to the movies at 5pm because I am taking your brother to soccer practice. I tell her to find a time that will fit with the family schedule. I have not mastered this yet. I am often telling my daughter that she is not the only one in the family and our lives do not revolve around her. I am told by mothers of daughters older than mine that during this time you often feel less connected to your daughter. She needs to know you are available to her. Most of the time she is going to be pushing away from you as she tries to figure out who she is. Teens need to do this successfully to become a well adjusted adult. Very hard to remember when they are acting this way.

Hi Emily,

The best thing I can recommend is investing in and reading the book Boundaries with kids (When to say yes, When to say no, to help your children gain control of their lives) by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend. This book shows how to deal with these sorts of problems: Impulsivity, Inattention to parental directives, Defying authority, Whining, Procrastination, Inability to finish tasks, Aggressive behavior, School problems, Conflicts with friends, Sexual Involvement, Drugs and Gangs. I wish I would have been taught these principles when I was young.

Hi, Emily;

First, let me share with you the best piece of parenting advice I ever got; somebody told me "It's their job to test the boundaries, and yours to maintain them. There's no need to ever get angry or frustrated if you remember that everybody's just doing their job." I can't tell you how many times in the last 14 years I've taken a deep breath and said to myself "Everybody's just doing their job." Then I've (usually) been able to continue without anger.
Secondly, I've found that perspective is hugely important to my teenagers; I get much less attitude from them after we've volunteered at the food bank than I do after we've been to the mall.
Good luck!

I don't know how old your daughter is (probably older than mine), but I can relate about losing your patience too quickly. I think that's a really important thing to identify, in order to avoid blaming all this on your daughter. I'm wondering a few broader questions--
1) Are you getting as much sleep as you can, and doing some kind of exercise to reduce stress? How is your diet? All these things really affect me, and when I'm fatigued, my tolerance level goes way down.
2) There is a really good book called Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen that might be really helpful in this regard.
3) In terms of your daugher not appreciating what you do for her, perhaps you could really build appreciation into your family culture more. Actively model showing appreciation for what others, including your partner, are doing for you and each other. Perhaps also have a "gratitude" practice at dinner. I'm trying to start this early, with my 2.5 year old. When I remember, I try and have each of us saying something at dinner that makes us happy or that we're grateful for. I don't do it as grace, but as a conversation element during dinner.
4) Do you and your partner have conflict over how to deal with this? If you do, it could be adding to the tension and would benefit from some extra discussion.
5) Try and anticipate the times that she really ticks you off, and prepare for them by calming down, breathing deeply, adding some humor, etc. For me, the worst comes when I"m taken off guard.

I"m interested in reading the answers you receive, because I can really use some help in this regard!

Hi Emily,

You didn't say how old your daughter is. I think age won't matter but the longer this has been going on, the longer it will take to change. One warning, no arguing, no bargaining, immediate and consistant consequence for bad behavior. I believe arguing/reasoning too much with a child only teaches them to become superb at arguements & if they can argue longer, they will get what they want. Also, if she doesn't listen, you are probably using the wrong currency. I have three children and my girls are very different. My youngest never seemed to care if I was upset or angry and the other would do anything to stay in good favor. I think it is just a hardwired personality difference.
The best way to get your daughter's cooperation is to change the way you interact with her. I know that is not as easy as it sounds. It took me spending money and time with a counselor to see how my behavior perpetuated my difficulty with my daughter. I think my Mother had the best strategy with kids. If we cut up in say the grocery store, even if she had just spent an hour filling her shopping cart, she left it and took us home and sent us to spend time in the bathroom. Of course a young child can get into trouble in the bathroom but hopefully you can see how that worked. We got one warning and no more. I recall being escorted out of church (very embarassing). One warning, no arguing, no bargaining, immediate and consistant consequence for bad behavior. Figure out what her currency is. My grandson's is computer games, so when he is here with me and doesn't listen, no computer games. Sending a kid to his/her room these days is no kind of punishment unless you can remove the items they value most. She can earn it back by listening and not arguing or you can continue to remove things until she has a bare bed. It won't be easy and you will need your husband to be on board and do the same thing. Good luck, it is not easy parenting am inteligent, determined child. Teen years can be hell if you don't do it when they are young. Take it from me! I worked very hard to change the way I parented my daughter (guilt because I was a single Mom and she didn't have her Dad around.) However, it was so worth it! She is going to be 24 next month and we are very close. It was the hardest and best thing I ever did. Keep the faith!
K.

Emily,
I totally relate with your experience. I am a mom of 3, and have tried every parenting strategy there is. Finally, I found something that has completely transformed our household into a loving, happy place and our children are responsible and respectful. The answer for us has been Love and Logic. Our local school district brought them in to speak to all the parents and teachers. Then i met a friend who is a Love and Logic parent, and observed how harmonious and happy her family is.
The best way is to go to the web site and download a free audio. It is the most funny and entertaining thing to listen to. www.loveandlogic.com
I would never have believed that I could stop all yelling, scolding, reminding and threatening, and my children would really listen to me and consider my needs too. it is so simple and easy to do, and i saw the results right away. My kids don't see me as the bad guy anymore- they see the consequences to their actions. We let the consequence do the teaching. That way I get to have a really loving relationship with my kids. Now if they drain my energy, they clean up the house or rub my feet! And they do it willingly.
All the best to you and your girls,
J.

Hi E.,
I can so relate to this. We have gotten great help from Hand in Hand Parenting. You can check them out at www.handinhandparenting.org. We have done some private consultations and read the information on their extremely useful website. It has taken some time, but I feel like we are all doing better since we connected with them and started using some of the tools they suggest.

Good Luck. You are being a GREAT mother to look for ways to connect with your daughter in positive ways.

Best,
E. Bender, NC, CHN
www.nutritionforthewholefamily.com

Zoe's suggestion is a really good one. Also, a book that saved my relationship with my boys is called 1-2-3 Magic don't remember the author. I gave my book to a young mom and it helped her too. I recommend this book to my clients with toddlers and I have yet to have anyone who tried it say it didn't help. It teaches you very quickly how to set boundaries, be consistent, stop yelling, getting angry, threatening, negotiating and bribing. When you put it into action and are consistent you can see a turn-around in behavior (yours and your child's) very quickly. With us it was about 1 1/2 weeks and things were 100% improved - and my boys and I were all out of control...it was a very sad time for us all. At 14 and 11 1/2 now, 7 yrs into 1-2-3 Magic we all have the best relationship - they listen, they test, but they know their boundaries. Their job is to test - mine is to give them the safety to test and the guidance to know when to back off. :) It is also my job to know give them the chance to fall on their butts and learn how to pick themselves back up again. I am pretty firm as a parent now but there is so much laughter here you just can't imagine. :) And the best thing is: I don't lose control and yell - and they don't get out of control anymore.

Hope this helps...

J.

Hi Emily - Have you heard of the book Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen? I think that if you read it, you will have a whole new perspective on your daughter's misbehavior. There is a facilitator in your area who runs workshops based on this book. Her name is Linda Krenicky & you can reach her at ###-###-#### or ____@____.com

It's hard to give advice when you don't state the age of your daughter or her sister. If she is 12 or 13 that is a common occurrence with children that age in my case especially girls. Mine outgrew it but you do need patience, understanding and discipline.

Emily,
How old are your children? Age matters very much in how they feel about siblings and themselves and what developmental challenges they are going through. Good idea to addresst he problem now, good work!

E. B. Klyce, MA lMFT

Emily, you have received a lot of good suggestions here. Like Velcromom and Zoe M, I will also recommend the book by Faber & Mazlish "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." Reading the book (and taking a class based on the book, sponsored by the Family and Youth Services department of the city I live in) made an amazing difference in my relationship with my kids. You can buy the book at used bookstores, online or at the regular bookstore. It is a small investment that will be so worthwhile.

You want to be heard and understood, and your daughters both want that too. You all need to have the chance to learn how to communicate, how to have patience, and how to appreciate each others' feelings and opinions.

I wish you the best of luck, being a good parent is a hard job, with fabulous rewards.

Well, you never gave the ages of your daughters... but from the description, I would think they are maybe teens. There is a point in time when every child strives for their own independence... and nothing a parent can really do why they are going through this. Is your daughter going through puberty... because that causes a lot of changes in them that they don't understand and they get wacky.

Hello, I am sorry for what you are going through. I have an eight year old son and he was starting to get like that. I quickly started reading books and I found out that sometimes kids need to have a schedule "designed by them" following your boundaries so that they feel in control of their life. Also there might be something going on with her. Maybe you "praise" her sister for being the "good" one and make her feel unwanted or imperfect or maybe a "new boy" in her mind, or she feels unhappy with her appearance, there's so many things that trouble young girls these days. You also need to let her know that you are the parent and that she needs to show respect and value what she has. Maybe teach her about poor kids and kids in orphanages and foster homes. I hope everything works out, I know how you feel. Good luck!

Hi Emily,
You don't mention the age's of the girl's?
I know recently I have been dealing with the same type of attitude from our daughter too. I know with my daughter it's the age. She's 12 going on 30. You know the age.....we were all there once.(a long,long,long, time ago..LOL)
I wish the same things, that we were still close & shared more BUT...right now my daughter is trying out her independance. She does not need me as a friend or confidant (she has that in her friends) she needs me to be just Mom. Of course she can't voice it but I know in my heart the person she needs me to be right now is THE ENFORCER. She needs to know that I am strong enough to keep her in line(so to speak).She needs to know that when she try's to wear makeup outside of the house I am going to be the one to send her back to the bathroom to clean it off. She needs me to be the one who tells her that skirt is too short, or that bathing suit shows too much skin,or NO dating till she's 15,etc......
Let me just say that I hate being that person & I hate that our relationship seems strained. If I notice her roll her eyes one more time I think I may do something drastic...But then I relize she's just trying to get a rise out of me, to see how far she can go.
I could be totally off base here???? Since I am not sure what your daughter's age is but it sounded all too familar.
If you start to loose your patience again walk away & send me an e-mail if you'd like.Sometimes it helps just to unload the frustration, then you get on with your day.
I hope this helped even just a little bit...Good Luck,
L.
P.S> I did learn from my older boys,whatever you do...DO NOT EVER compare the two girl's. How different thier personalities etc, it will come back to haunt you!

I recommend the book, Conscious Discipline by Dr.Becky A. Bailey. It is all about positive interaction, composure, and encouragement. It was written primarily for teachers but is also a great tool for parents!

Sounds like you have a teenager on your hands. Or maybe someone as young as 5th grade-ish. A lot of how a child responds to a parent is rooted in how they were raised. If they child was raised to not show respect as a youngster then they will surely rebel as a teenager. That age group DOES believe that the world does revolve around them. It's natural and part of the growing process. I would suggest taking her to a homeless shelter or group home where she can volunteer her time (you're with her of course) to help out children who are less fortunate. I did this on my own in my later teen years and it made all the difference for me. I learned to REALLY and TRULY appreciate what i had and when I had it. Not to say that my relationship with my parents got any better, but that was due to other reasons. I didn't act like a spoiled brat and now as I'm older my grandmother is one of my greatest assets in my life.

Hi Emily,
I'm not sure what age your daughter is but it sounds like she may be an early teen or a bit older. With an 18 mo old I can only give you some thoughts from my perspective from when I was that kind of child. Mostly it's to keep being patient and be open to listening to her. She has a lot going on in her life and body right now and may really need to feel listened to herself. If she feels like she is being heard then maybe she will feel more encouraged to listen to you as well. When all else failed for my parents and I was just intollerable I got favorite items/outings taken away for a bit so that I could reflect on my negative behavior. For the most part that seemed to work. Fortunately, by the time I made it to my early 20's my parents miraculously became smarter people who I wanted to ask for their advice. :) Good luck to you!!

Every girl is different. It sounds to me like this one needs her space. She needs to be left alone and allowed to feel how she feels without consequence. Let her know you Love her unconditionally and will always be there for her whatever she needs and however she acts, and then give her some space. I heard a lot of what you need in your request, but you will be more comfortable if she is.

Emily,

You have gotten so many responses and I haven't read most of them so I'm sorry if this is redundant but I wanted to pass on some thoughts I had when reading your post...I SO feel you on the frustration. One thing that I have learned to recognize is that frustration and anger are reactions to a feeling (most ofen sadness but sometimes loneliness, being tired, feeling unheard, feeling disrespected or unappreciated, etc). If you can take a minute at the point that you are frustrated and angry and identify why you feel that way then you might be able to talk to her about the feeling instead of the reaction -- the anger. I am not big on slef help books but I did read a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It was awesome. It realy helped me see (in many areas of my life) where frustration and anger are really conterproductive reactions but if you can stop and see what the triggers are -- ie it makes me sad that you are so unappreciative of the things that daddy and I have worked hard to provide for you -- you can have a more productive conversation about what is going on. This book helped me in my relatioships with my girls, my husband of 8 years and my parents.

I wish you the best of luck!

M

Don't know how old your daughter is but I have 2 books that helped me appreciate "normal developmental behaviour" so I could be a more normally developed mom. One is the series by Ames titled "your 5 year old", "your 6 year old", etc. etc. The other is by Nelson titled "Positive Discipline." Good Luck.

Maybe you and she need a date night where it's just the two of you. And don't take any of it personally. There's an incredible teacher Byron Katie. Her website is www.thework.com and she has a resource page. Check it out. It will absolutely make a difference. The reality is that she is going to "not listen" and "disobey" and have this attitude. Expect it. Embrace it. There could also be something going on in her life that is not working for her and maybe you can find out and let her know you are there for her. I realize it's hard with our busy lives and the crazy expectations that we all deal with on a daily basis. Take some time out for yourself too so that you can be refreshed.
Good luck Emily. I know that I was not able to truely appreciate what my parents did for me until I had a child of my own. Many adults don't appreciate things. You know in your heart what you do for her, and that's what counts. Reality says that she'll start appreciating things when she's an adult, our brains do not fully develope until we are in our 30's. Keep it simple.

My 8 year old daughter and I have a very similar relationship. I recently took some parenting classes through Kaiser & they are helping. It is 7 classes- 1 class per week (1 1/2 hours long). It has help set up rules in the house, positive reinforcement and disipline. It has made her realize she is in control of her behavior and I am not yelling as much. Good luck.

First you didn't tell us how old your daughter is so we can't tell if this could be a hormonal issue.

Hi Emily,

How old is your daughter? My guess by your message is early teen or pre-teen. I have a 13 year old daughter who I often go through the same thing with. She has more attitude than I generally can deal with. What I have been trying to do is try to make time for just us. Sneak away for shopping trips, watch movies or tv together, just hang out and talk. It works for a while and then she flares up again but I think that for her jealousy is a big part of it. My youngest daughter is 4 and gets alot of attention due to her age, etc. but another part of it is just hormones. That you can't do much about just make sure they know what the limitations are and what the consequences will be if they cross them. Good luck!!! I know it's not easy but the phase will pass!

E.

Hi Emily!

Not knowing how old your girls are, it sounds like the one you're having trouble with is the oldest. The oldest seems to act this way the most. Remember,the older child was "the only child" for quite awhile, and WE DO, infact, make them think the world revovles around them :o) So, some of it can be our own "creation".

If I were you, I would pay attention to WHEN she is not listening. It's usually when they think they have something more important to do/say. When she needs to eat/drink or whatever, make sure that she has done EXACTLY as you asked before she gets what she wants.

Just focus on the "baby steps" of this issue. Simply don't do anything for her until she listens to you. You are the mother, and she needs to learn now that your word comes first. It will take care of itself if you are consistent. Yes, there will be tears invovlved for the first week, so be strong. If your daughter is anything like mine, there will also be MAJOR DRAMA! So, just brace yourself that you are doing what is best for her now and in the future :o)

However, if your daughter is 12 or older, this is just the beginning and you need to "lay down the law" now before it gets REALLY bad. This I know from experience :o)

Good Luck Emily. You'll do great!

:o) N.