My little son is finding himself with lots of frustration with the new world of boundaries and disappointment. Along with his ever blooming brilliance, sweetness, and adventurousness has come great frustration and aggressive behavior that I'm not going to tolerate ie., motioning to bite,light biting, hitting with fists lightly , or hitting random things within reach, and general random body thrusting hand slapping when attempting to change clothes, diapers, etc,. when he doesn't want to. For the most part I can empathize a bit with him and know he's quite entitled to feel disappointed and anger as he comes to realize the world is not his oyster and he can not do anything he pleases nor call the shots. It's probably a bit of a devastating blow to his baby narcissism *grin* , nonetheless, I want to figure out a way to redirect all that negativity as well as find healthy ways for him to get those feelings out if he's so set on having them.
He does presently have also a canine tooth cutting which does not help given situations in the first place. He's not consuming foods with food coloring either.We also tend to talk to him calmly after each incident and let him know it's not nice, and try to show him what is nice. This works sometimes, but it's a 50/50 chance. sometimes if say he hits me with an open hand (mind you it's never that hard, but I know he's testing the water) I immediatley put him down, and walk away, which usually he get's pretty worked up over, and eventually comes around to acting calmly again. We also use sign language which is very very useful to in heightened moments.
I also know that he's a great reflection of his Dad and myself and we've been working out some recent kinks in communication ourselves due to an unexpected traumatic event in the family recently. It has hit us all quite hard and we've found our communication and closeness suffering under the pressures of mourning. We're just now (a month later) really braking through the fog and rekindling that love, so I wonder too how much of his behavior is reflecting his own experience with his parents not being so graceful either in the moments of heightened frustration. Just to clarify, we're not hitting each other or biting one another, nor knocking the furniture, but I'm sure the door is wide open for his interpretation even in our quiet passive anger.
So, with all of that said,side from his Daddy and I tending to our relationship what is the healthiest thing we can do for him in the moment of him acting out in these ways? How does a 20 month old little person get their frustration out in a healthy way? And what do we do to try to minimalize escalating?
We don't believe in hitting nor do we use baby cages, just to let you know.
Thanx
I think it sounds like you are doing all the right things. I think you just need to realize it is going to take time for it to change. Change with a toddler takes consistency and time. Hang in there and keep it up!
M.,
Oh yes, he's probably picking up on the problems between you and your husband. But, there is hope!
This worked in the daycare I worked at, and has also worked with my kids when they were that age, still works with my 2 1/2 year old daughter who isn't fully articulate yet.
Watch your little guy playing and when you see frustrations with toys or whatever he's playing with start to manifest be his voice. And I mean that literally. "I'm frustrated/angry that this toy isn't doing what I want it to!" "Mommy I don't want my diaper changed right now!!!" Whatever the situation is, voice what he's feeling. In the daycare we'd put a shadow on a child that was having adjustment or other issues. I use(d) it with my kids and the unacceptable behavior stopped in it's tracks and they were willing to listen to "reason".
The biggest frustration for kids approaching two is that they feel all these emotions that are new, and don't really know how to cope with them. By us giving voice to what's going on validates them and also shows them great ways to cope as an adult.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
I think Melissa said it correctly: using that empathetic language to let him know you understand *just* what he's feeling can help considerably. This is the approach we take with our son, who is now 2.5 y.o. and it's worked incredibly well.
I, too, have seen little pockets of time when my husband and I were rather short with each other and how it affected our son. I can also say that, unless your child is living in a consistently stressed family, they will 'recover' and be fine. Keeping in mind that it's a season of stress and loss, your son is bound to feel the sadness too. But as you and your husband regain the lighter, brighter side of your relationship, things will smooth out a bit.
One more thing: it's really okay to use a stern and serious face and voice when telling your son what you don't like. ("I don't like when you hit me.")Modeling is all well and good, but sometimes kids need to know we mean business and that no means no. I agree that setting him down and getting up to do something is far better than further engaging him, which then becomes "I bite/hit and then I get lots of attention". When he gets older, it's also fine to ask kids to sit somewhere by themselves until they are ready to be safe. It's not a time out, per se, but just a reminder to them that being in our company (and the company of others) means certain things, and that includes being safe with others.
My son experienced very similar behavior. The good news is that he is doing a lot better at 3 years old. We found several of the following helped:
1) Consistency from both Mommy and Daddy (as you know, this is harder than it sounds).
2) Giving options but enforcing boundaries/consequences: i.e. he wants to be outside without a coat. I give him a choice as follows "You can wear the red coat or the blue coat". He responds, "No, I don't want to". I counter, "If you do not have a coat, then we cannot play outside." If he is still resists the coat, then we go inside (kicking and screaming) until he chooses his coat or an indoor activity. It's hard for me to enforce the consequences, but if you structure it so that it is their decision, then it's their consequence. However, I do pick and choose my battles.
3. We constantly reinforce for him to ask for help (rather than biting/hiting/kicking out of frustration), taking turns (for patience), and the set of house rules (i.e. what is absolutely NOT acceptable, including hitting/punching/screaming at Mommy and Daddy. Depending on the severity, it results in an immediate time out). Notice I'm back to consistency.
4. My son is very physical. I make sure he gets enough "playground or outside time" when the weather is nice. We also enrolled him in a gymnastics class. I am always trying to provide opportunities for him to work out his "bottled up frustration" in positive ways or in an appropriate setting.
Best wishes!
J.
My passionate, intense firstborn boy did the same things, and there was no family trauma to blame it on. It was just him, and it too really was the worst at 20 months. I call it "mini man anger." All those emotions! We had a big problem with biting (he'd only bite us) and toy throwing. Here's what I did (which came from other Mamasource Moms!):
1. Wrote up the rules and posted them in the playroom. One night after he went to bed I put up sticky chalkboard things that outline our House Rules. THey are: no biting or hitting; no whining or tantrums; go to sleep by yourself like a big boy; be gentle with the dog and your little brother.
2. Every infraction meant a favorite toy was taken away immediately.
3. Toys could be earned back after naps and in the morning, if he'd gone to sleep like a big boy (ie, w/o tantrums).
4. I also wrote up "How to Earn New Cars!" which is the positive spin on the rules. I bought a ton of Matchbox cars from Goodwill and showed him the big jar of them. THen I read out how you earn them: be gentle, use your words, give hugs, etc.
The good news is we've outgrown the car bribery and now that he can talk he is less frustrated and prone to outbursts. I also recently bought a Feeling poster for him to learn how to express his emotions. It was like $1.99 on Amazon.
Good luck to you! Get some outside help--you'll need time away from him now more than ever!
AMD
Just a word of encouragement, M.: Your empathy for your son is admirable, and it sounds as though you're really doing everything right.
He's going through an entirely normal "experimental" stage with the biting and hitting, and it sounds like he's approaching it in a scientific manner. Clever boy!
And your responses are gentle, firm, and empathetic. Clever mom! Keep at it. These stages take awhile, and your family trauma could exacerbate the situation a bit.
But don't be too concerned. Your son will learn what he needs to learn, and then move on to other experiments.
Your son is now at an age where a timeout can become your best friend. Have him sit in an area away from fun (television, watching you, etc.) for about 1-1/2 minutes, then tell him why he got a timeout and let him know that he needs to apologize to the offendee. It'll take a bit to get him to sit there and not get up, but keep telling him to sit down and that you'll talk to him when his timeout is over. Once he stays there, start the timer. I've read that kids should be given one minute per year of age, so it'll increase as he gets older. I did this with my son until he was about 3-1/2 to 4 years old. The timeouts got less and less as he got older, so they do learn from it.
Try giving him words to use and remind him of the "no hitting, biting, etc..." reinforce that sternly without making it a power struggle or game. Try to find ways to give him more of a voice for his emotions than actions to help him deal with them. Good luck.
