18 Month Aggressive Behavior HELP!

Is he ALWAYS this way? Have you noticed if he only does it after eating certain foods (like ones with orange or red food dyes?) Can he feel pain himself? If not, tell his Dr.
Is he verbal? A lot of children that can't express themselves verbally get frustrated and agressive. Teaching him sign language along with the words might help.

My son went through the same thing and we took him to an occupational therapist since we knew it was most likely because of a sensory processing disorder (look up proprioceptive sensory processing). There are things you can do to help your child who is NOT doing these behaviors because he wants to hurt people. Some children crave more pressure on their joints (e.g., biting, hitting) to help calm them and organize their world. They crave it more when they are stressed. Being in a playgroup can be extememly stressful when a child has some sensory issues. For instance, my child is extremely visual (scores off the charts here) so being around lots of kids was over-stimulating to him because he kept trying to take all the visual elements in and it was hard (on the bright side, his visual skills helps him to do things that most kids his age or a few years older can't do). When children get over stimulated from a sensory standpoint they fall back on what calms them or helps them organize their world(such as biting). I had to limit playgroups to one or two kids for a while. However, my son can now play with lots of kids at one time so don't worry. It gets better. At 18 months, I had to limit the amount of playgroups I did and the amount of time at them. When you do playgroups, try to leave before any behavioral problems so you can praise him for controlling his behavior. Once they are reacting with biting they can't even stop to really process what you are telling them. Kids respond really well to praise at 18 months and want to please you so if you can give him opportunities to be praised for how he is interacting with kids he'll be able to understand what is expected of him, even if he doesn't have the skills yet to always act that way. Also, give him opportunities to succeed with other kids by having smaller groups and structuring activities during the play time (free play is the most difficult for kids). If you have to do a time out, use it as a way to help him re-group. If he craves sensory input in terms of pressure, when you put him in a spot for the time out, give him something to squeeze or talk to him about his behavior while you have him press against your hands. Before going to playgroups you can give him some extra sensory input on his joints that will help keep him calm. I use to have my son do wheelbarrows before we went somewhere. Hugs can also be extremely calming for these kids.

In sum, it sounds like your child might have some sensory integration issues and an occupational therapist can help with evaluation and skill building so your child can better cope in his environment. Almost every child has some sensory issues, where one sense is stronger than the others and another lags behind. Understanding the problem allows you to parent the child more effectively and prevents you from pulling your own hair out in frustration. It definitely gets better but until he can learn skills to control his behavior, being around a lot of other kids when he isn't supervised may not be possible (I couldn't do it either when my child was younger since my son would do similar behaviors. No one would see the behavior coming either since he didn't do the behavior to be mean). Over time you will be able to let him play with other kids without so much fear (unless he's tired or stressed and then the behavior can come out in milder forms).

Try not to feel embarrassed. Easier said than done! I was horrified and in tears half the time since my child is super loveable and I didn't know what to do to stop his negative behavior that would come out of the blue. An occupational therapist can really help and the sooner you get a child evaluated the easier it is to get them the skills they need to succeed in their environment. My sons doing great now and no one would ever believe he use to bit, hit, and push kids since he's the kid who has the best social skills and who others are drawn to.

My son (who is now 3-1/2) went through a similar phase about the same age. He never bit or pulled hair, but he hit and wrestled other kids to the ground. I also began to dread taking him to playgroups, and was constantly apologizing to other moms and their kids. It was a dark time, but I'm happy to report that it is possible to get past it - there is light at the end of the tunnel! My son plays well with other children now, and tells me he has a "best friend". I still have to remind him to be gentle, as he is a very active boy as well.

So during the really aggressive time, I did hover over him at playgroups. I belong to a mom's group that organizes playdates, and luckily the other moms were very supportive. It was lonely at times (I remember sitting on the floor of a playroom while the other moms were outside laughing and talking), but I was able to intervene the moment anything happened so I could guide my son's behavior and make sure no one else was hurt. I also used timeouts, and I was always ready to leave if his behavior didn't change or got worse. Sometimes I felt like staying home - what was the use? But it was important to keep him involved with other children, because that was the only way he was going to learn how to play with them.

I picked up a book during that time called "Happy, Sad" by Leslie Patricelli, and this became a favorite book for my son. One of the sections shows a boy hitting a playmate ("sad") and playing nicely with a playmate ("happy"), so I used that to talk about how the other children were sad when my son hit them. I also developed a mantra that I repeatedly said in the car (eventually I could just ask my son what it was, and he'd say it back to me, before every playdate) - "What are the no-nos? Hitting, kicking, throwing things at other people, and pusing. What are the yes-yeses? Sharing and taking turns." My husband and I also tried to really exaggerate the verbal response when he hit anyone (we encouraged people to say "ow" really loudly, because that seemed to get his attention and freeze him in his tracks, and then we could talk to him).

It probably took about 6 months for things to change. Ironically, my son quit hitting and being so aggressive, just before the other kids his age started hitting, biting, etc. (I think he was just an early bloomer in that deparment, or something). Then he became totally blown away each time another kid hit him!

So don't give up hope! Hopefully, if it's just a behavior phase, and you're vigilant, it will pass.

Hi T. - I second the comments about sensory evaluation along with questions about how his communication is progressing. Contact the local Early Intervention in your area (this is free). They can help with evaluations and services and majority of the time they come to your home. To get the best sensory eval, have your peditrician refer you to a PEDIATRIC (not a general) occupational therapist for a complete evaluation and history review. Coming from a parent who had a 17 month old acting out, we found that his behavior was tied directly to his language skills - he could not get out what he wanted to say, thus the negative behavior. After working with a good SLP we noticed a difference after the first visit. It sounds like your little one has more of the sensory things going on. I would suggest that you start keeping a journal of his behavior, food he eats, sleep, etc. This will greatly help the OT when doing the evaluation, you might even see a pattern pop out. Keep you your journal and work with a specialist to help him relearn acceptable behavior. God Bless

Not to scare you, T., but your son sounds a bit like two boys in my religious community who have Asberger's Syndrome. (These kids are intelligent and doing fine, but have had some behavioral challenges.) His behavior could be within the range of "normal" for his age, or he could have any of a variety of brain abnormalities that reduce his ability to be empathetic, to recognize/expect outcomes of his behavior, to plan, or to emote "normally."

If this is something that truly has you worried, and it sounds like that's the case, then please check with his pediatrician and ask whether an evaluation is advisable. Keep notes on your son's behavior over a week. Be very specific about his interactions with other people, and how he responds to your correction.

In the meantime, you might try shadowing him during a few playdates or church visits. Tell the other moms that this is what you're doing – they will be appreciative (and perhaps willing to help). Then literally hover – watch everything your little boy does, every reaction you notice, and be ready to intercede immediately if he begins any aggression toward another child.

It's easy to miss early triggers unless we're right there, paying attention. For children this young, the quicker the adult response, the better they will become at connecting it with the undesirable behavior. Correcting toddlers even a few minutes later might completely miss the point, because they're so present-moment.

Good luck. I hope your son is only lively and impulsive. If that's the case, you can train yourself to be alert to his most teachable moments. If you discover that he has a cognitive disorder, you can get professional assistance in learning how to deal with it, and the sooner, the better for him.

This is TOTALLY age appropriate, not a sign of being a bully, and very raaaaarely a sign of any kind of disorder. He'd only be a bully unless you didn't stop him, and teach him not to hurt people purpose. So you know...this kind of behavior varies in format (and comes on and out in different ways) for the next year and a half to two years. You might go 6 months or a year with no hitting/hurting...only to have it crop up again. Not because they've decided to be a bully, but because they've reached another developmental milestone. And then you start all over, coming at it from the new angle that they're working with. Each succesive time you deal with this problem, the social rules get laid down a little more permanently.

For example, at one, on timeout the partyline was "You HURT so and so. We don't HURT people. Hitting HURTS your friend. This is too hard, this is gentle. We need to be gentle with people."

At two on timeout it was "You HURT your friend, and you HURT your friends FEELINGS. What are you supposed to do when you're angry? Are you supposed to HURT someone or are you supposed to take a deep breath and count to five?" or "What are you *supposed* to do if they take your toy?"

At three it was "When is okay to hit/hurt someone?" (a: When you're defending yourself or someone else) or "When is okay to yell at someone?" (a: When there's danger, or they're far away.)

What we did at each stage was unilateral timeouts or go homes for hurting or throwing a fit. You hurt someone you go on timeout. Flatout. For every stage. Then we can discuss/model/teach, but it was the equivillent of slamming on the breaks, each and every time it happened. Then of course, you start teaching mental/emotional integration (aka what to do when you get angry, over excited, hungry, or even just FASCINATED with long blond hair). Those tools are the first ever, so be patient.

If we were in a playgroup type setting and it was an excessive force kind of thing (not intentionally hitting/biting/kicking/pulling hair/throwing sand/ because he was ANGRY...but hitting or knocking down out of joy/not paying attention/as a way to get attention/ just using too much force), or hanging out with family, this might mean a trip to the next room for timeout on the couch, or out of the playground for a trip to the benches. Whereupon we could model the appropriate kind of behavior...then come back and apologize and try again. If he did it again, we'd go home. He'd get the extra chance to try again with people who cut us some slack, knowing what was up...but he'd STILL go on timeout.

(Timeouts in our house aren't punishment, they're a way to remove oneself from a situation, calm down or evaluate something that went wrong. )

If he did it out of anger we went home. If we were amongst strangers, we'd go home. Obviously I (at the very least) would apoloise to the child and their parents. Just out of common decency. All parents who have a child 2 and over have at least been through the beginning of this stage. Most parents are just thrilled that you're actually working on this problem instead of ignoring it and letting your toddler beat on their kids because "he's just a baby" or "this is MY time out of the house". You run into both attitudes in parents (denial, or the inability of recognizing who is the child...aka we're responsible for them, not they for us)

Lousy time for ME...because it quite frequently meant we'd only get to be somewhere for 5 minutes and then we'd have to turn around and go home...and because I had to keep an eye on him at all times (not get caught up in conversation)...but if this was all about ME I'd have a babysitter.

Good luck, and best wishes for patience & consistency. The two hardest, but best things in your arsenal for the next 2 years.

T.,

Having worked in a daycare, I see this more in 2 year olds than 18 months, but it's possible. The major reason he MAY be doing this is out of frustration and lack of communication. Try to keep an eye on him and watch the events leading up to one of his aggressive behaviors. If it's frustrations you will see warning signs long before he hits, kicks, bites, whatever. If that's the case be his voice, if a kid took a toy away from your son say: Hey! I was playing with that! Give it back! and hand the toy back to your son.

If it's too much affection (is there such a thing?) show him how to be gentle. When my daughter was about a year old we had a cat that she wanted to pet, but would always wind up hitting because she wasn't gentle enough. We'd take her hand, barely touch the cat and say "gentle, gentle" the whole time we helped her pet the cat.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Don't stop going to church, T.. In fact, church might be the best place to seek help. Where else (besides MamaSource, of course) are you going to find a diverse group of mothers at different stages in their mothering careers who can give you advice and help you work it out. Talk to the moms at your church and see what they've done. I know from experience that they'll be more than willing to admit that their kids weren't perfect and share their techniques.

I subscribe to Baby Center's weekly updates on my children's age development. One of their articles might be useful in this situation: http://www.babycenter.com/0_aggression-how-to-deal-with-h.... And this is a great article on how to use fighting as a way to teach empathy: http://www.babycenter.com/404_what-should-i-do-when-my-pr...

To sign up, just enter your child's age and they will send you weekly updates on what to expect. It's uncanny sometimes how my child will start doing something the exact week they send me an article about it!

I was thinking the same thing as Melissa. It could be a communication thing. My youngest though he was 2 bit other kids because he was a late talker. But also, all kids go through a biting stage. This could just be his time to do it.

As for church, I'd ask that he be moved up to an older age group for a while so he doesn't hurt the little one's his own age.

For practice, find a baby for him to play with. Teach him gentle this way, and let him practice gentle hugs, gently taking toys, etc.

When he is at play group and starts to get too rough, instead of just stopping him or redirecting him, show him what he should have done. Take his hands and move them yourself to show him how to do whatever he was trying to do gently. (hope that makes sense)

This is such a tough age. For children AND parents! Children at this age get upset or frustrated and cant control their emotions nor can they express them the way that they need to. Your son's 'outlet' is aggression. My daughters was wild tantrums. Regardless of what exactly you DO immediately when the behavior happens you should know that there will be times that you feel like nothing is working. But be consistent. As he matures and his language develops encourage him to use his words. Remind him, "No hit!" and manually restrain his hand. Capitalize on his own reaction, you mentioned that he is shocked when the other child cries..explain to him (in simple language) that he hurt that child and now he's sad that's why we don't bite/hit/kick, etc. Taking him completely away from social situations doesn't give him the opportunity to practice appropriate behavior but perhaps a smaller gathering of only 1 or 2 other children might be beneficial. Make sure that if they come over to your house that each child brings a toy of their own and your sons lovies or favorite toys are put away until company leaves. Make sure he's not tired or hungry during play groups and take turns in church with your husband watching your son and leave if his behavior becomes unmanageable but don't stop going altogether. It's a good place to be to recharge your own batteries. Try to be patient but if you are about to lose your cool, put him in a safe place (his bedroom) and give yourself a time out as well. My daughter didn't really get the concept of time outs until after she turned 2, but now at 2 1/2 we are seeing a vast improvement in her behavior, she is better able to control her emotions and now if she starts to throw a fit I tell her that if she's going to have a tantrum or cry (if she's not hurt or needs cuddles and that's why she's acting out in the first place) then I tell her she needs to go to her room until she calms down. She now will quiet immediately. It's been a very challenging year though and I thought i was losing my mind and not cut out for parenthood a few (okay SEVERAL) times but my husband and I just kept at it and worked together and FINALLY are seeing some of the fruits of our labors. Keep at it!