My ex-best friend just got married on saturday. She was my maid of honor in 2009, and I wasnt even invited to her wedding. Without getting into the crazy back story of all this, we just drifted apart over the last 3 years- I had 1 infant when I was married and then had another child in 2010. She is childless, etc. I guess my question is- how long does it take to get over a friendship that doesnt exist any longer? We were friends since 9th grade- 16 years. Does it get better? Because of Facebook, and mutual friends ( I actually unfriended her, so I wouldnt be reminded of this hurt I am feeling ) I am seeing all these pictures of her wedding, and I just can't help but be upset that I wasn't there to celebrate a new chapter in her life. I am looking for responses more from people who may have had a similar thing happen- long time friendship fall out. Is this like a break up or a death, where it may take me a while to get to a place of acceptance? I know I sound dramatic, but my friends were my family when I was younger, because my home life wasnt so stable. Thanks in advance for any responses.
Thanks everyone. Im glad to see that I am not the only one who has been through this! I did text her a week or two before her wedding saying that I was happy for her and that I wish her the best. I also made a comment how I wished we had never drifted apart, and she agreed, and then left it at that. I am of the mind-set now that SHE walked away, and I also walked away too. I get mad that we were in our mutual BFF's wedding together in 2008, and the three of us talked about how great it was going to be in eachothers weddings, etc. But I cannot hold onto just the good memories. I have to remember that we both let it happen. I didn't always call to make plans and neither did she. I have to be happy with the memories I have, and know that I will create new ones, and I also still have some pretty great friends! Again, thanks for all the kind words- I was kind of afraid what I was opening myself up to!
I can relate . . . I fell out with some dear friends after my divorce. This was pre-Facebook, thank goodness, or it would have been worse.
No words of wisdom - just empathy.
Aww, I'm sorry. :(
My best friend and I have been friends since we were 14. We are not exactly best friends any more, but I think we both hold onto the friendship because it's 'home' to us. She's more of a sibling to me now than an actual friend. We don't have anything in common, she's not my confidante of choice, but I love her unconditionally and am so glad that she will be in my life forever. I can't imagine not knowing her.
Why not send your friend a message that says "Hey, ___, I saw some of your wedding pictures and I just wanted to tell you congratulations, and wish I could have been there on your big day. Time won't change the fact that I wish you all the best." Or maybe ask her to meet you for coffee? At the risk of sounding stalkerish, of course. haha!
I think that friendships only end when you let them. Of course, if she's not interested, it's not going to happen, but it wouldn't hurt to try.
And if it truly is over, I think we do have to mourn relationships lost, like a death. There's an empty spot in your life where she was. That takes time to heal.
I'm going to be pretty blunt, but here it goes:
You can get over friendships faster when *you* let go of them. Make choices that are good for you-- choose not to look at pictures, choose not to keep up with things regarding this person. If you have made the move of unfriending her, then do it in real life too.
It does get better over time, but I'd also suggest remembering *why* you decided that the friendship was too painful. Perhaps you have some unfinished business with that relationship which you need to work out on your end (you can't expect her to re-involve so you have closure). I myself have had shorter friendships fall out-- but it was still painful, and one of those people is still part of my world (our kids go to the same school, we know the same group of women). What helped me a lot was to figure out what I needed from her in that relationship and why, and then to realize that we sometimes don't make the best long-term choices in regard to friendships. In this particular case, I realized that because we have very different temperaments, while we have some things in common, over the long haul we wouldn't have been a good match. It doesn't mean either person is 'bad' or 'wrong'... sometimes there are differences we just can't get past. Sometimes, being in two different places in life is one of them.
Do what feels healing. If it's writing her a letter (and not sending it, of course) about how you feel, go ahead, do it. Then burn it or send it out on the water. Let it go. Grieve when the feeling comes, but also remember that perhaps some of what you are grieving is the idealized 'good times' you had with her. Be kind to yourself and know you will feel better in time.
Best wishes on this...
I understand how you are feeling but if you haven't been in touch for several years my guess is your friend didn't think you'd really want to recieve an invitation. You could always send a nice card with a heart felt "wishing you all the happiness" type of message.
I'm not a huge fan of Facebook. It seems to me that a lot of people post things basically just to brag. I see what others are doing and it makes me feel less satisfied with my own situation. I've unfriended people just because I'm jealous, I guess that's my problem but I just thought I might be happier.
I have had this happen, but not over such a short period of time, and it i still mourn the lost friendship even years later. I realized it was both of us who changed. I moved out of state, got married, and just returned a few years ago. She also moved out of state, to a few colleges, and moved back a few years before me. We hooked up fairly regularly at first, but then it became apparently she had no interest in the married-with-kids life, or people who chose to go that route. Though she was still close with her family, it quickly became clear that she hadn't given me or our old friends any thought over the past several years. After not seeing her for 2 years, we got together recently for lunch. She could not recall my profession (not hard to remember), and she had somehow missed out on the fact that our other BFF's dad had just died suddenly. Lunch was all about her her her... and I left happy I was finally able to close that chapter of my life. I still am sad about it, though I know its done, because she summarized us so much. If she had at least taken a small interest in me, she would have found I love many of the same things she does and we could still have a lot of fun together, especially since we both now have the income to support our interests like travel, theatre, and shopping.
She was definitely making a strong slap in your face statement by not inviting you. She knew very well she didn't invite you and that you knew very well she was getting married. That is hard for anyone to swallow no matter how good or evil you are on either side.
Don't let the demise of this relationship define you and don't let her dictate who you are. Yes, you weren't at her wedding. Yes, she and your mutual friends probably talked about you to some degree. And yes, she probably lived it up at her wedding without you. But guess what? You are still someone's wife, someone's daughter, someone's friend, and most of all, you are someone's mother. Don't act like the spurned friend of someone you used to be close to. Act like the wife/mother/daughter/friend that you know you are. In the end, you won't be the friend who wasn't invited to the wedding but rather she'll be the friend who didn't invite you to her wedding.
Just be ready for the day she contacts you, remorseful and wanting to reconcile. It will be THAT moment for you to do the right thing, whatever it is, that will truly define you in the end. Don't be taken off guard. Be ready to be the bigger person IF that moment ever comes.
Hang in there.
Breaking up is hard to do! I see no reason to not post a nice message sending her warm regards on her new marriage. Yes, it is a break up and it sucks. You will mourn the loss but don't forget the good times you had and know that she was in your life for a period of time that you really needed someone.
Definitely feels like a breakup. As we grow older, we do change. Our needs become different, our life experiences change us in some ways etc. She probably didn't feel comfortable inviting you since you all were not friends anymore. Whatever separated your paths right now, your paths can definitely reunite later on down the road. It does take a while for the hurt of a longtime friendship to subside....it never really goes away, but try not to think about it too much or you'll drive yourself nuts. Time will help ease everything surrounding this. Sometimes we miss out on precious moments in life, but we can't let that disappointment control each day of your life. Try to be happy for her, and in time maybe you all can get past this and you'll get to share each others lives again. A part of growing up sometimes makes us grow a part from each other, but it does circle back around....just leave your heart and the door open. :-)
Hi...I have had friendships like that...we had a falling out, went different directions w/ our lives, got busy. Whatever. There are some friendships I wish I'd never had and some I truly enjoyed and really miss the person, even though there was a lot of hurt involved. Make sense? I don't want to get into the whole back story either...so I understand.
I think the hurt lessens, but depending on how close of friends you were, may never completely go away. You have to accept that you are no longer friends, decide to be ok w/ it and move on. My maid of honor did the same thing to me (and we never had a falling out...when she got married, she didn't even ask me to be in her wedding, but actually wanted my mom to make her dresses!!!!)
And facebook is evil! Yes, I have an account, but I can't tell you how many times I've debated just getting rid of it...I don't because I like to keep in touch w/ people and see their kids grow...and the people who post stuf just to brag or show off, well, they are set as "acquaintance" so I no longer see their stuf, unless I go to their page. Because, yes, I am a strong person, but I let things get to me too much too. It sucks!
So, be strong, decide it is what it is, move on and focus on the friendships you do have now! Hang in there...(and I don't think you sound dramatic...I know exactly what you mean. I still get sad over a lost friendship w/someone just last year...and it ended badly! But I miss what we had, just not her! LOL!)
ETA: I love what Nikki G said!!!
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aaawww!! I'm sorry!! My bestie and I have been together for 35 years. 36 This December. We are joined at the hip even though we don't live in the same state!!!
You are grieving the loss of a friendship. You still want to be friends, I take it by the way you are upset that you weren't there to celebrate a new chapter in her life. So ask yourself this - is there any chance for you guys to repair the friendship?
how long does it take? I don't know. I think I would go numb if my bestie and I broke up. I'm really sorry. I would try and reach out to her one more time and say - "hey!! I miss you" or something like "Congratulations on your marriage!! I wish you only the best"
I know that my bestie and I have had our share of fights. We've drifted and come back - seriously - but in the end? we've been together so long that I can't picture my life without her. And my husband accepts that - as does her husband. Maybe you two will find your way back to each other. It takes one step.
Good luck!!
Well, my bestfriend from childhood and I broke up 11 years ago. She didn't even bother RSVping to my wedding invite. She called me recently wanting to have a coffee. I didn't really respond.
It was hard to walk away, but yes, it is like a bad breakup. Keep your distance and you will heal.
I can relate. I was BFF with someone from the time we were 13 until last year when we pretty much cut ties (I just turned 35). She moved out of state about 4 years ago. I visited once and then got pregnant and did not want to do the travel while pregnant. Also we were pretty good drinking buddies and she is still a bar hopper. my life has obviously changed and I do not drink much anymore. Then I had my newborn and of course it was not so easy anymore to take off for a weekend to go visit her and spend the weekend drinking. We started to talk less and less. After being gone for less than 3 years she moved back. I could not even get her to nail down a date for us to get together to see each other when she got back. She got back in Oct and I did not see her until several months later - like March of the following year. So we finally go out and she proceeds to get hammered and then starts in on me about how I was not supportive of her move b/c I did not visit enough, etc. Meanwhile when I had my son, she could not find the time to attend my baby shower, or call the hospital when I delivered, or call on his first b-day, or his 2nd b-day, etc. So she basically expected that after having a baby I should be the one to hop in the car and drive 6 hours to come see her whenever she wants, but she does not need to be involved in my life. I now have a 5 month old baby she has never seen or even asked about. I guess we are not friends anymore. It does make me sad. It is a loss. It will probably take me a long time to get over it, because even a year later I still obviously have a lot of hurt feelings. Basically I think that my life has changed and evolved (married, kids, office job, home owner, etc) and she still lives as though we are still 21 (single, bar hopping, retail job). Maybe she is a little jealous or something. I dont know. But it does hurt. I think I will always be at least a little sad that things have ended this way. If she got married tomorrow, I am sure I would not be her MOH (as she was for me). She posts on FB about her new bestie all the time now. I am not sure if I would get a wedding invite or not. So, you are not alone. We grow up and our lives change. Sometimes those friendships we thought would last forever just dont. Frankly when I really think about it, I have not had much in common with her for years now. But I do miss her and miss the close friendship we once had. I dont think you can ever really replace those life long "we've been friends since middle school" type relationships. Maybe one day we will be able to re-connect. Who knows. Too bad we dont live closer and then we could be BFFs (haha)
IMO, in order to get over it, you HAVE to have the will power to stay away from anything that might have to do with her, whether it's FB, mutual friends, songs, pictures, whatever. Making the conscious decision to pore through friend's FB pages was detrimental to actually getting over it & healing. You have to resist, because if you don't, you hurt yourself all over again. Maybe it's time to stay off of FB for a while, so you're not tempted.
It's also a good idea to write or type a letter, saying to her whatever you wanted to say after the "break up" & not send it. It helps to get it out of your head into the open.
Other than that, time, lots of time. Have you cultivated other friendships? No one can replace her, but that shouldn't stop you from fulfilling your need for companionship.
I agree that it really is like a break up. This happened with one of my dearest friends from high school and I was devastated. She was a devout Jehovah's witness and said she was sorry but she couldn't maintain close relationships with anyone outside the church, that by doing so she would be choosing me over her faith. She wouldn't even talk to me about it, she just completely cut me out of her life.
So yes, it is sad and hard and painful. But I promise as your kids get older and start school you will make lots of new mommy friends and have fun with them and all of your kids together. Life really does go on!
