Friendship Issue

Maybe she is just not ready to open up yet. Sometimes it takes people sometime to think about it on their own. You should respect her as a friend and accept that she's not ready to open up yet.

It doesn't mean that you're not good friends if she doesn't want to talk about it. Be a good friend to her and respect her wishes and move on.

Let it be. Some problems with couples are extremely private, and she was right to keep it that way. If she has long term problems, you'll find out about them along the way. You're still good friends.

I think it's respectful towards her husband for her NOT to discuss certain things, and I think you should show respect to her and give her some privacy.

Airing our dirty laundry is not a measure of friendship. Sometimes airing dirty laundry should be attributed to a flappy mouth, nothing else.

I have a best friend that I truly love, just like a sister. But right off of the top of my head I can think of a few things within my family/marriage that I keep to myself.

So be a good friend to her and let it go!!

S.,
I think you are doing the right thing to show your support and friendship. Friendship is a tricky thing. You need to know your boundaries. Sometimes friendship means there are things you don't need to know in any aspect just show you are there if your friend does need you in the future.

Friendship is a hug when your friend needs one... you don't need to know why - just do it.

I think your friend showed you she desires friendship with you when she invited you to run errands with her.... but she needs her privacy now.

Friendship is respectful. Respect her need to think her problem through by herself and her choice to share or not share with you or anyone else.

Hi S.,

As women, our friendships with other women are SO important to us. We're often wondering if we did or said the right thing. We carry so much responsibility for everyone's feelings and we work so hard to build and maintain relationships with other people.

With that said I want to encourage you not to personalize what your friend is going through. Sometimes we want to share and sometimes we don't. It sounds like she was pretty clear that she's got some embarassment or shame about her situation.

I would just say something like this, "When you don't tell me what's going on with you,
I feel hurt and wonder if we're as close as I thought we were. I know that whenever you're comfortable sharing with me I'll be here. Just know that I'm thinking of you and hope everything works out".

Good Luck!
D.

S.,

I see that you have already responded with "What Happened." So, my comment is probably a mute point. But, because your comment speaks so loudly to a cultural issue that I believe to be harmful, I want to share my thoughts, anyway, for other readers and you in future situations.

I think SO MANY women today BELIEVE that it is both an appropriate and necessary demonstration of friendship, for a "friend" to share intimate details of his/her problems/issues. This is a late 20th and 21st century view, which I think developed by the plethora of soap operas (where everyone knows everything about everybody else) and spate of (Jerry) Springer-esque titillating talk shows (where mostly-paid participants put on a "show" based on family problems and edgy-issues.) Before you take offense, I an NOT saying that you are a fan of either soap operas or "reality" talk shows. And to those that ARE fans, I mean no offense - IF you can separate what is meant to be entertainment from practices which promote healthy living. What I am saying is that these types of programming have impacted society with a perception that, in order to function as a "friend," a person NEEDS to have the (dirty) details of situations that cause stress and challenge their friends' lives and relationships. I believe this is not only untrue, but this notion is a huge contributing factor to the enormous number of broken relationships and broken families we see today.

People 50+ years ago were VERY reluctant to broadcast intimate details with regard to personal and family troubles. Part of this was based on "social acceptability." People WERE embarrassed by certain circumstances - whether sexual, financial, addictions or any other problematic circumstances. But I believe that today's tendency to openly discuss personal issues with a circle of friends will almost always do more harm than good. Friends are not the best sounding boards, just BECAUSE they are friends. Friends are not unbiased (and frequently, even unknowingly side with the person they do not want to see hurt.) And even more troubling, I have seen situations where a so-called friend gave self-serving advice or support that altered the situation in favor of an outcome he/she desired (the message here is be very careful that the person who you think is a friend, is indeed a friend.) And NO, I don't want to see us return to the dark ages where people experienced shame and had no options for counsel. But people today do not have to live in shame or cloak problems with no sources to serve as unbiased sounding boards. There are many appropriate sources for confidential help, such as professional counseling, support groups and clergy.

So, I APPLAUD your friend for keeping personal matters personal. This is not a reflection on you or even a lack of trust in you, which obviously is well founded. It is a reflection of wisdom on her part to not involve someone who knows both parties (both your friend and her husband) and might be tempted to be overly supportive of her side of the story. Many times the people actually involved in a problem, whatever its nature, are able to work it out together, given enough time, patience and commitment to each other. If the problem is serious, she will be better served with an unbiased, professional ear to counsel and guide her actions...and then you can be JUST a friend who makes her feel loved and secure during the process.

Here is what I recommend to you, as a friend: (1) First (and foremost in my book if you are a believer) offer to pray for your friend and her situation. The wonderful thing here is that you do not have to know the details: God can handle it and He already knows exactly what is going on. If you offer to pray for a person, be faithful to follow-through. (2) If your friend is obviously "down" because of some circumstance, offer to take her to lunch, a movie, shopping, or some mutually enjoyable outing. When doing this, do everything in your power NOT to discuss the situation. Most people would be better off with a break from their troubles. And last, (3) if you DO come into possession of some intimate detail of your friend's problems, be true to that friend and never, never repeat it. Never ask for additional details. And commit to that friend that she has your love and support as well as your pledge of discretion.

This advice is fairly non-soap opera-esque and may be a little boring. But I am confident that many more people would be better off today if "discretion remained the better part of valor." S., and for those of you who continued to read my response thus far, you should realize that the old adage, "loose lips sink ships" had a basis in reality.

With love and confidence,
K.

Proverbs 21:23 - "He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles."

Isaiah 50:4 - "The Lord God has given Me the tongue of disciples, that I may know how to sustain the weary one with a word. He awakens Me morning by morning. He awakens My ear to listen as a disciple." [This is Christ speaking through Isaiah, and believers are to be Christ-like.]

James 1:26 - "If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man's religion is worthless."

James 3:5 - "So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things See how great a forest is set aflame by such a small fire!"

1 John 3:18 - "Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and truth."

Three things:

1. You ran into an old friend. Can we assume that you haven't been in much contact with each other lately? No matter how close you consider your relationship, it makes sense that she would want to guard her marriage.

2. You're taking it personally, and it's not about you. Maybe you want to know because you care and want to offer assistance; maybe you're just being nosy. Maybe it's a bit of both--come on, be honest. Whatever your reason, it's HER matter, and she doesn't owe you that information. Haven't you ever had something going on that you wanted to keep close before sharing it, even with your sibling or parent or best friend? Give her some space. Friendship isn't about sharing ALL your problems and ALL the details of your life.

3. Maybe she has decided that someone else might be better suited to share this info with. You might be good with/for abc, but def she shares with someone else, and ghi is with yet another person.

Maybe her emotions are still raw and she may have broken down if she heard herself voice it.

Maybe she's really really mortified by whatever he did and having anyone else know it just adds to her heartache.

Maybe its something so incredibly embarrassing that she doesn't want anyone in her inner circle to know... Imagine something ultra humiliating: Maybe her husband asked her to go to a swingers club? Maybe it involved recreational drug use? Maybe it was an online relationship? Maybe he said some rude criticism to her? Maybe he got reprimanded at his job?

Whatever it was, as long as you know, then she'll know you know and she will remember it every time she sees you. It will be that much harder to forget herself

I grew up with a friend who voluntarily told me something and asked me for advice... After it was resolved, she was so embarrassed and uncomfortable around me. She couldn't get past it and our friendship ended. I had known her since 2nd grade...

I wouldn't say anything to her. Let it go. Besides, if its really a big issue, its bound to come up again. Plus, she'll probably appreciate you respecting her request more than if you were to say something further on it.

She did give you a general idea. The problem is with her husband. She also explained as nice as she could why she didn't want to discuss them with you. Leave it at that. Some things are better left unsaid. Your friendship shouldn't be based on whether or not she tells all to you. But whether or not you are there for each other. Be there for her - not for you. You want to know because that is what you want. She obviously doesn't want to tell you, so instead of being there for yourself, be there for her.

Hi S.,
I think that being a really good friend to someone is being there to support them unconditionally. You don't need to know the details. Some things are better left unsaid and it sounds as if your friend just needs to have your support and friendship. Be there for her without asking questions and she will appreciate you and consider you a true friend.
K.

Good friends or not??? I commend her for the direction she went. It is better to just not say something negative and as most of us know you always or usually stick up for the person you are closer too so she feels it best to just not say anything at this time. And that to me is a friend who doesn't want to burden another friend with her problems. She will probably eventually open up but for now she just doesn't want too. There is no law book that says friends tell friends all their problems. The issue could also be something she may be embarrassed to talk about right now. So repect her wishes and if you still think you two are not friends because "she owes" you an explanation - I am sorry - I wouldn't consider you a friend. Be patient with her and don't be nosy but respect her wishes. That is a friend.

Everybody handles difficulties differently. My husband wants to take the time to work out his own feelings for himself. I like to discuss mine with someone. Maybe your friend is handling her problems the way she feels most comfortable and might confer with another friend. Don't measure the quality of your friendship with her style of problem solving. She wanted to be with you or she wouldn't have asked you to join her in running errands. Let her be herself. You be yourself. HTH

I understand your situation because I had a similar one happen with my best friend. Either it is something major and she is trying to decide on what to do, or it isn't and she is just trying to get over it and keep her marriage going. I've heard lots of things from friends that their husbands would probably be really embarrassed if they knew their wives were spilling. Marriage is one of the most sacred relationships and should be handled as such. Not fodder for either spouse to spill around and cry to their friends about. ALL of us are guilty of doing that at some point or another. It is not generally good to share marriage problems with others (unless it is something really major or an unsafe situation!). That was some good advice I received from my grandmothers- both married over 40yrs- and my mom- 27yrs. Although, when you are in the other shoes trying to be a good friend to someone that's having problems it can be really frustrating! You sound like a good friend, so just be there for her, show her you care and that's all you can do. :-)

S.,
My BEST FRIEND did this to me recently. I was a little confused and a little hurt but recognized that she just didn't feel comfortable talking about it at the time. And we talk about EVERYTHING- she knows quite intimate details of my life! But eventually she did tell me some things and I thought "Is THAT ALL??!!!" I mean, it wasn't a big deal to me at all. But obviously it was a HUGE deal to her. I thought, well I thought the guy was cheating on her or something actually.

So, don't let it bother you and don't discount her as a friend. Friends don't have to tell each other everything, and sometimes it's better that they don't! I have told friends things that I really regretted later. It's hard to regret putting it out there if you haven't. :)

S.

Hi S.,

Although you guys are old friends doesn't mean she has to give you an explanation of why she was upset. By calling her, you let her know that she has a friend willing to be there for her if she needs to talk. Give her time, maybe she doesn't want to talk about it right now. Whenever she is ready, she will talk about it. Don't doubt your friendship with her just because she didn't want to tell you her problem. You just don't go around telling everyone your problems. Just turn it around and put yourself in her shoes. What would you have done? She might be doing just that.

maybe she needs time i myself am a very personal person when it comes to my problems i;m not one to share with others so maybe she's not ready

Say a prayer for her. God knows what's going on, and you can support her the same without knowing the details. Tell her you love her, you're praying for her, and you'll be there for her in any manner she needs you to be.

Think of what a good friend dogs and animals make. It's the unconditional love they give. They could care less about the details.

i think her relationship with her husband should be the most important relationship in her life....if that means not sharing any information that might jeopardize it, then she is right to keep it confidential...i think if you're a good friend, you shouldn't question your level of friendship, but respect hers.

Just because she doesnt want to discuss it with you doesnt mean you are not her friend, it just means she does not feel comfortable discussing it with you because she obviously feels it will give you a negative opinion of them. Maybe they are swingers, or he's a crossdresser...who knows? She gave you what she felt you needed to know, now be a good enough friend to take her at her word and just be there for her. If she feels you need to know more, she will confide in you.

Sorry, S., I think you should be respectful of her privacy. She was upset, but many people feel that discussing their spouse's negative attributes is harmful to their marriage and demeaning to their spouse. Just because you saw her in that moment does not mean she owes you any explaination.

It has nothing to do with you or how close you are. Maybe her spouse does not like her discussing marital problems with anyone. Everyone is entitled to their privacy and I personally do not think that she should feel obliged to speak of her troubles. Everyone is entitled to their privacy.

Keep showing your support. That will mean so much to her in the long run.

Many times people have problems with their significant other that end up being not a big deal, or something that can be gotten over with discussion and/or counseling, but if you've told a friend, she is already going to have a negative opinion about the spouse and/or relationship. DOes that make sense? It might be easy for her to get over, as it is her relationship and her love, but you don't have those ties to him and might not be able to let it go so easily. Then you'll be that friend that told her something bad about her husband or relationship.

I had a very good friend who was being beaten by her boyfriend. Our whole group of friends tried everything to get her to understand how wrong it was, and that she should leave him. We almost had her, and she was going to move in with me (they lived together). Then she got pregnant, they got married, and now they are "happily ever after". He hates all of us, and we rarely get to see her. If we call he won't give her our messages. ANd we don't believe the hitting has ended, as we can tell how he treats her based on how the children treat her. Yet we have basically lost a friend due to trying to help her and intervene. She also won't discuss any problems she has with him, and thus bottles everything up. NOt healthy.

I think your friend is just trying to avoid that. I'm not saying she's in a serious situation. It could be something simple that has her upset and she is afraid that you could pass judgement on her husband and relationship, because - let's face it - most people do.

Just continue to support her, run around with her, etc. I don't think she owes you an explanantion, either. Maybe she's being a better friend by leaving you out of it, KWIM?

I don't know if you're good friends but I do understand your friends discretion. When I have a fight with my husband I tend to want to tell my friends what is going on so I can vent but sometimes you realize that even though you are upset you don't need to spread it around. She may have been really upset that day but afterwards realized that it was nothing important. I would respect my friends decision to keep quiet. If it was a big deal I'm sure she would have let you know. Hope this helps.

Give her time. If you haven't seen each other in a while you can't expect her to spill the beans immediately especially if she is having problems in her marriage. Give her time. Just be her friend and most likely she will open up when she's ready. It may be something more major then basic marital problems or she may be embarrassed about what's going on. Give her time.

S., Just try to keep in mind that everyone is different and she truly may feel uncomfortable sharing personal information such as that. We are naturally protective of those that are close to us and may have a harder time forgetting or even moving on after learning about negative situations that have hurt them. I would just respect her wishes and enjoy the friendship.

I am kind of like you in the aspect that if someone happens to see me upset and I see them again I won't go into detail but I might just outline the issue keeping the focus on myself and assure them that all is well. But you know people are really different and she may just not want to make her man seem like a jerk and the issue might not be resolved so she knows if she talks about she is going to paint him in a bad light. So many possibilities. I would just be a good friend and let it go. If it was anything serious, and you spend any amount of time talking with her, it will come to light. Take care!

You should be just her friend and let her keep her marrital problems to herself. If she wants to tell you at another time, she might. Don't push it. Just be her friend. It is none of your business. It has nothing to do with how good a friend you are.

your friend did the right thing! we do get mad at our spouses, but if we bad mouth them to our friends everytime that they do something wrong, the friend gets a bad impression of the man that we love and married! I keep it quiet all the time, i don't like to tell my problems with my hubby to my friends because eventually i am going to forgive him, i love him and am going to forgive his faults, she doesn't love him, she loves me, and eventually she will think I am married to a big jerk! That will put a strain on our friendship. yes every once in awhile we need to bounce something off of a good friend, but not all the time! It may have been very personal, and she chose to forgive him and move on, what if it was something that you couldn't forgive, in comes judgement and seperation for you and your friend!

Hi S.,

I have to say I agree with all of these ladies. You said that you "ran into an old friend". Maybe the fact that you had not seen her for awhile is making her a bit hesitant about just spilling everything to you right off the bat. Like the others have said, you are being a good friend by just being supportive and letting her know you are there if she needs someone to talk to. When she's ready, she'll come around, and if not, then you need to respect that.

Good luck!

A good friend would allow her friend the privacy she feels she needs.
Z

Just because you are good friends, does not necessarily mean that she is going to share intimate details of her life right off the bat.
People have different ways of working out their problems. Some share easily and talk it out with others. Some are inward and like to work things out by themselves. Her explanation that she didn't want to discuss her problems with her husband because of negativity may mean many things: from this is a trivial thing to this may be serious and I haven't sorted it out yet.

Just because you are friends does not mean that she is going to share all details with you or even general details. Some people are sharers and some are not. Since she still asked to do things with you it means she probably is not a sharer....

You are the one who is having the problem with this. Perhaps, you are the one who needs to evaluate this friendship. Can you handle having someone who is not a sharer as a friend?

This friendship sounds more about your needs than hers. Try and understand that being a good friend to her doesn't nec. mean what you might think it does - that is the challenge of good friendships - be a good friend by showing her respect and just being with her - that seems like what she needs right now. Believe me, she will appreciate it!

Alli

It sounds to me like she gave you a general explaination, that her and her husband are struggling right now, and she feels burdened by it. Why push for more. Maybe she has been judged in the past, and just needs to be able to get away from thinking about it for a few hours.

Try not to take it personal. I am sure as a friend you want to know what is going on with your friend out of concern. But it is something that either she is not comfortable sharing or, like she said might make you think differently of her husband. The best thing to do is not push the issue, as hard as that might be, because you care. But when you friend is ready I am sure she will discuss it with you.
My personal thoughts on it, is that maybe she thinks he is having an affair, or maybe something physical happened during a fight. These are two very sensitive subjects, with matters of the heart. And maybe that is why she is not wanting to talk. Just stay by her side and she will talk when she is ready. HOpe this helps....

Dear S.
I think your friend is shocked and hurt and is possibly hoping that their marriage problems will clear up. This could be why she doesn't want to discuss them with you right now.
I would try to be patient with her for a while to give her time to regather her resources and if her marriage does hit the rocks, you can be there for her and she will probably open up.
Just let her know that you are there if she needs someone to talk to.
She's probably so upset that she doesn't realise that she is hurting you by excluding you in her problems right now.

Perhaps your friend didn't feel comfortable talking about her problem over the phone. You never know who might overhear. Anyway, her suggestion to shop together would give an opportunity to talk to you in person. Don't deny her that chance.

Many people have trouble sharing when it comes to marital difficulties. That doesn't mean that she doesn't consider you her friend. Just be gentle with her--if she can share with you, she will.

Let her try to take care of this on her own. You just be there for her when or if she decides to talk about this problem of hers. Just because she doesn't want to talk about whats happening doesn't mean your not as good of friends as you thought. Think of it this way, she is looking out for your best interest by not getting you in the middle of her and her husband. This could just be a rough patch in her life with her husband and she doens't want you to think negatively toward her husband or her for something she is not comfortable with herself.

How great you made yourself available to spend time with her as a friend. Being with someone who is upset can have a reassuring and/or calming effect.
In my perspective, anything she would say to you regarding her husband would be gossip, and that will color your view of him, and possibly of her. And anything specific she said about her marriage she may construe as a breach of confidence, or a break in an agreement she has with herself or her husband to keep their issues between themselves. If she changes her mind to speak with you about her troubles, you'll be available. Until then, just be content that in those moments you were there for her.

Things change. Maybe your friend is just embarassed about her problem and thinks you won't fully understand and/or pass judgement. Maybe you should try to do some reassuring.

Yes stay clear, this sounds like something that you do not need to know about or be involved in in any way. She also sounds like she has problems. Stay clear of all of them, she would have been in contact if she was a real friend.

Whatever the problem, it's private and possible embarassing, and no matter what a close friend you are, she's not ready to cut loose. If you really are a friends, just be there for her, no matter what, and eventually it will all come out, just don't push it.

S.,
I don't think it has anything to do with you at all or how she feels about you. She is obviously a private person at this stage in her life and maybe it is REALLY needed right now. It could be something that's humiliating for her and it's ok if you don't know.

If I were you, I would just be her friend ~ if that is what you want ~ and maybe someday she will be able to confide in you. Until then, I would not push her and I would definately not take it personally. This is her gig, don't make it yours.
Good luck with this.
Deborah