Is My Husband's Female Co-worker Continuing to Hit on Him?

J.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

What are you worried about? Do you think he's going to have an affair with her? Why are you accusing him of things? I don't get it.

Sounds to me like YOU are the one with the guilty conscience.

since i can't see or hear her, observe her body language, have no clue what her motives are or how he responds, i have no idea.
nor do you, really.
sharing something inappropriate could be a sexual opening. or just an awkward attempt to force a friendship by someone who isn't socially adept.
or a forthright comment from a woman who was participating in an open but not sexually suggestive conversation with someone who was likewise being frank and friendly.
it sounds as if you and your husband are both awful at creating and maintaining boundaries, and in addition you are suspicious and relentless.
for all i know you have reason to be.
but you're directing your ire in the wrong direction.
i could care less if women hit on my husband. he's handsome, intelligent, funny and very kind. it would be a miracle if other women didn't look at him and sigh. i applaud their good taste.
i'd only be butthurt if he responded with anything but courtesy and a complete shutdown.
khairete
S.

Why is this causing arguments? Your husband has no control over what his coworker says but I do think your husband should say he is a happily married man. The fact that your husband told you about her behavior indicates to me that he is not interested.

To be mad at your husband over the words of another woman is unfair to your husband. Be the kind of wife that your husband wants to come home to and share things with. If you get mad at him, he simply won't tell you these kinds of things in the future.

Best of luck!

I'm not sure that's someone hitting on someone else.
It may be inappropriate and not a topic for the work place.
You don't say what she did to hit on him before - that might be helpful to add here.

I wouldn't argue about it. Either she is or she isn't. If she is, then so long as he deals with it effectively, let it go. You can't control her. If he's encouraging it, then that's a different matter.

You don't have a co-worker problem. You have a husband problem if this is causing arguments.

On the plus side, he's telling you about it. So either he doesn't think it's a big deal, or he enjoys seeing you get agitated. (That is, I assume he's telling you rather than you've observed it yourself.)

On the negative side, your husband is allowing a work colleague to discuss sex in front of him. His answer, every time, should be to stop her in her tracks and say, "Susan, this is inappropriate conversation for the workplace. I won't participate in it and I expect you to stop." And then he needs to walk away, immediately, and return to work. If she's in his office, he needs to ask her to leave or he needs to walk past her and right to the boss or the HR department. The first time, he can make up a reason to talk to the boss but he can let her worry about it. The second time, he needs to report her. She needs to stop, but also, he can be in serious trouble for engaging in sexual topics with another employee.

The fact that you and he are arguing about it tells me that you don't trust him. So is there background behind that? A good marriage doesn't break up no matter who hits on one of the spouses. Your issue is not with him personally but with his willingness to tolerate unprofessional behavior.

Some of my best "friend" relationships have been with guys. We've talked about sex, spouses, lack of relationships, dating issues, life in general.

I was never "hitting" on them and they we not "hitting" on me. If she was a guy would you think it was "hitting on your husband"? Of course not. Just because she's female does NOT mean she is hitting on your husband.

Did she say "I haven't had sex in 6 or 7 months and I want you to break my drought? Or were they just talking about life in general and that came up? Maybe it was very much in context of something she was sharing. He might have asked if she was married or something and she said no, she hadn't even been on a date in months and no sex either. That's not a pass. That's just talking with the guys. Having had guy friends my whole life it's not anything that isn't talked about.

Sounds like you need to trust your husband and move on. Either he's a cheat or he's not.

How did you even find out about the conversation? Did you overhear it? Did she tell you she told him that? I assume he told you. So he's not even hiding what they talk about.

He sounds like a nice guy that can talk about everything with people.

I think you need to stop looking at him and thinking he's cheating on you by having friends.

I think you have to realize something right away. HE is telling you that she said that. HE isn't hiding anything from the looks of it and whatever her reason she had to tell him this, he is open enough and in love enough with you that he told you. I'd say you use the energy that is inspiring your worries and let him be the one who has had so much sex he doesn't have time to respond to anyone else suffering that fate. No more arguing. Ok?

Yes
Not that that matters.
What does matter is whether your husband listens to her.
If he laughs her off and insults her - like "Yeah, I can see why it's been that long and likely to be a good deal longer.", she'll eventually quit it.

To me, saying "oh wow I have not had sex in months" sounds like a silly female friends group chatting at girls night out! That does not sound like a "sexy" "hitting on someone" thing to say. What makes you think she is attracted to him?

I can't tell you what her intentions are.
I have male friends who might confide in me about relationship problems because they feel very safe sharing that information. I do not consider it them making a pass at me. I consider it as a level of friendship and trust that is respected. These men also respect and are friends with my husband, but sometimes it is hard for men to share personal matters like that with other guys. No one rule applies to every person as to whom they are comfortable sharing that information with.

I also have worked with a few guys who have shared that sort of information with me. I'm an adult; I wasn't offended. Again, they trusted me. My husband also trusts me. Neither of us do things to suggest we might not be trustworthy or faithful. I know that if either myself or my husband was accusing each other of 'she's making a pass at you', there would be some sad and hurt feelings. He's had women hit on him before; he's aware of what it is, and he shuts it down immediately. I might tease my husband once in a blue moon about women who have obviously been enamored with him, but he chose ME. So I don't argue with him about it. We believe in each other.

Do you work there too? How do you know what she does or doesn't say to him unless you are actually there and hear it for yourself?

What do you mean when you say "she has hit on him before"? What has she said or done? I have guy friends I talk to and we will say to each other that the dating scene in our city is terrible. Sure, some might interpret that as an invitation to each other to date and that we're attracted to each other, but that's not the case. We're not romantically or sexually involved nor interested in each other like that, we're just venting to each other, the way a woman would vent to another woman. If this woman has said she misses having a man around, it may just be that, it doesn't necessarily mean she is saying "John, I haven't had a man around for a year, what do you say we get in the car during lunch and get it on?"

She may just be frustrated about her life and wanting to vent to someone. Maybe she is hoping your husband has a friend he can set her up with on a date, or some other form of advice, since he is a guy. Is she talking about her lack of a sex life with others present, or locking herself into a room and whispering to him in a breathy voice as she unbuttons her blouse and rubs his chest? It makes a huge difference. We don't know the body language, context, or scenario in which these exchanges have happened, nor do we know how your husband has responded to them.

My female co-workers have opened up about their boyfriend and how great he is in bed, or the last time they had sex. They certainly weren't hitting on me. Just because this woman is of a different gender than your husband does not automatically mean she must be hitting on him when she has these conversations. The information in your post wasn't enough of a story for us to know whether she is just opening up and venting, or openly flirting with your husband. Regardless, if these conversations make him uncomfortable, then he needs to shoot her down and tell her to stop.

Even if she is flirting, you can flirt with someone while respecting their boundaries, marriage, and not wanting to take things further. A man can say you have beautiful eyes and you're beautiful and your husband is a lucky guy. That does not mean he wants to bed you. A man can say he'd love to have a girlfriend like you, that does not mean he is telling you to leave your husband and run off with him. You can tell a man he is a sweetheart, without it being an invitation to date, or you can tell him that he looks great in his suit, and it does not have to mean anything more than that.

In closing, I agree with HuggyMama that if he were cheating, or intending to cheat, he would not open up to you and tell you what is happening. He'd be hiding this information. It takes two to tango, and if he is declining to take part in this dance, then you should feel that you have nothing to worry about, he is faithful and he is trustworthy until he proves otherwise.

Do you trust him? If you do, then forget about her. If HE is trustworthy, then no matter how much she hits on him, he will not cheat. If you don't trust him, then why are you married?

Although sometimes men can be clueless in this instance I would think you're husband knows exactly what is happening. Sharing such intimate details like how long it's been since you had sex is extremely forward and her intention is crystal clear. Instead of arguing with you and denying it he should be reassuring you that he will shut this down immediately.