Friendship - Conneaut,OH

My daughter has a friend in the neighborhood, A. Sweet girl, but special needs and has a tough time making friends. My daughter is nice to her, includes her, and sticks up for her if anyone says anything to/about her. Over the summer my daughter went to A's house to play several times. After the fact I found out they took her to a trampoline place, out to eat, shopping, etc etc. At first I was upset, I feel like you and don't want my daughter to start feeling entitled. Then I realized that A doesn't have many friends, and her mother is so grateful for my daughter that she goes of her way to do nice things for her. It's her way of saying thank you, the most gracious way we can respond it to let her.

Read the 5 languages of love. I bet this mom shows her love by giving gifts. It's just the way some people are.

Some people love to give gifts. Pick your battles -- let this one go.

I have an old, good friend who is in debt yet still gives gifts at times it's not necessary. It's just her thing... And it's part of the reason she's in debt. We have zero debt and I can much more easily afford to buy her gifts but I just don't. For an occasion, sure but not randomly. I'm cheap and just don't buy people random gifts all the time. So I don't try to keep up with her. I always tell her she shouldn't buy everyone things but then let her make her own decisions. She knows people don't reciprocate. It's her decision to keep going with it. This woman sounds nice - maybe misguided or "off" but nice vs a b-tch. So try not to get mad. Just tell her with a smile - we can't reciprocate! Please don't buy Sally things!!" And then let it be. These little gifts aren't going to spoil your kids too much. Tell them this isn't how you operate and to count themselves lucky they're getting some extra stuff but it's not going to go on forever. We are very comfortable financially and my kids get a fair amount of stuff yet I"m also always telling them about people living beyond their means and how stuff doesn't make us happy for long and they need to save their money and work hard etc. This one little girl won't override all your parenting and this mom does mean well. A mom in our neighborhood just got my girls some AG doll stuff. I got the "ugh, do I have to reciprocate thing" in my head but then said no, this was her call. I"m not going to run around trying to keep up. I know she likes to do these things and if she expects me to reciprocate but I don't and that causes her to stop, that's a fine outcome, right?

My daughter is an " only" , God forbid, and in no way did we ever attempt to " buy" a friendship. WTH

However, because we had an only and valued our situation, many of her friends ( with siblings) benefited because we were focused on our daughter and her friends. We never looked for paybacks. Most of her friends who accompanied us on trips only paid for their personal souvenirs .

Were there budgets, yes !!! Would some families think it was too much? Yes.

But... We acted based on our financial ability without going into debt, her activities that were fun for everyone with no obligation, and just the goodness from our heart that we wanted all of our daughters friends to share.

So , NO, I never felt I needed reciprocation for any activity we sponsored. There were some who managed to take advantage of us and that's ok too because they would not have had some opportunities if they hadn't befriended our daughter.

Of course , it's easy to figure out who the users are and they don't even get it because they think they are fooling someone but they're not.

If your child were a friend of my child... I would be sponsoring your child on activities that your child is a part of my family dynamic if they are with me on vacation or just a day trip.

I guess it falls on your budget on how you view a guest on your trip. I don't buy the tit for tat issue... That's elementary.

I think you're right about the love languages. But, I think the mom is a spendthrift because of it. Her husband probably worries about the bills and they probably have debt.

Could I be wrong? Yeah, but I could be right.

I wouldn't send your daughter over there or invite the girl to your place as often. If the mom asks why, be honest that you feel bad about all the gifts and you cannot reciprocate. If she is smart, she will realize that she is ruining the friendship.

I know this might sound hard, but I think you'd be doing her a favor.

Just because they gave a $50 gift, doesn't mean they paid $50. I give $50 gifts ALL THE TIME, but I usually pay about $12-15. Clearance is a great thing ;-)

You can never really know another's financial situation.

Don't worry about it. Some friends like to give in this manner, and if you don't accept it, you are likely to hurt feelings. Let them worry about how they afford it. I highly doubt your daughter will become a taker from this one situation. Make sure you teach her gratitude and generosity, and let others worry about how they behave. Accepting gifts is being gracious. You only become a taker if you expect things.

Well if you don't want the duct tape, I'll take it.

If I have extra I buy for my kids friends. If I don't, I don't. I never expect them to reciprocate. I give because I can and because I want to.

Why is this an issue? My mom didn't have a lot, but I had a friend who has it even worse. My mom always included her, bought for her, and again never expected anything in return.

Some people like to give, some people don't. this is really not a big deal.

I understand where your discomfort is coming from but it sounds like this family is doing well financially and enjoys "giving". I think you're right to teach your child not to expect things from others but when someone is kind and gives you something, I'd say thank you and leave it at that. I don't think you should feel like you need to repay them or keep up. They're doing what they can and want to do. You need to do what you can and want to do without feeling shameful or upset. Everyone has different circumstances. Be happy that your daughter has made a good friend with a family that is caring and obviously treats your daughter well.

You never know how much they're actually spending. It could be that someone is generously giving them loads more than they need like an aunt or another friend or grandmother, and it does sound like this little girl is very generous. I get that repeated gifts that they don't expect reciprocation for might make you feel uncomfortable, but I think you need to accept that this family is simply generous. They're kindhearted and they enjoy giving when they can. You don't know that they can't afford it, and I would bet that they'd be insulted that you're making that assumption.

They probably don't understand why you wouldn't teach your children to be gracious in accepting gifts when they're teaching their own children to be thoughtful about others.

Look at it this way. Children need to learn to earn money and save some of it. Children need to learn to give graciously to others. Children need to learn to receive graciously from others.

You can teach your daughter that there are people like this, and help her to learn to be appreciative (rather than entitled).

You write that you don't want your kids to expect things from this girl all the time. Are they expecting things from her all the time, or are you just concerned that they might?

Let entitlement be the point at which you say to your daughter, "Sorry, Sweetie, your mind is going off in the wrong direction, and you can't accept anything else if you assume you have these things coming." Be very careful with this, because it's a complicated matter to teach. And only then can you talk to the other girl's mother and say, "Unhappily, my daughter is starting to assume she has a right to expect material things from you, so I need you to cut the supplies off."

It's futile to second-guess the motivations of anyone else but yourself. You write in SWH that "she makes you feel cheap." Is there any jealousy involved here?