What to Do Re: Neighbor's Birthday Party Snub?

I would leave it at that.

I think the girl realizes that she snubbed her friend and what goes around comes around. See how things go before the next party.

Be aware that (at least IMO) 10-12 is miserable for girls (they are just rotten to each other) and you can't take it all personally.

Well, now the other girl knows how it feels.
Invite her to some things but not everything, and they will do the same.
You'll have to wait till next year to see if the birthday party situation has changed or not.

Since the girl apologised and the mother reached out, it sounds like your point was sufficiently made. Go on as you normally would, and see how things go. If things don't change, then seriously consider having virtually nothing to do with them, and teach your daughter how to handle this.

I agree - lesson learned. I would have done the same thing.

That is what I call a teachable moment. Hopefully it took.

it seems like lesson learned. She apologized and mom sent a card. What more can they do? You made your point.

I disagree with the moms who say you didn't take the high road. I think if you don't get invited to a person's parties, you don't invite them to yours. It's a pretty simple social concept.

Some kids -- and their parents -- are bullies. This girl sounds like one. Obviously they don't care about anybody else's feelings so why on earth should you keep acting like a doormat and letting them hurt your daughter?

I think you did the right thing. Good for you!

I think what you did in not inviting her to your Christmas party was fine. I don't see it as a "you did it to me, now I'm doing it back" but rather realizing from the not-so-subtle hint of not being invited to the birthday party 2 years in a row that the neighbor girl does not think of your daughter as a close friend.

Sometimes just because kids are neighbors and they go to the same school doesn't mean they are good friends. It sounds like your daughter might be a friend, but not a close one. It sounds like your daughter is good enough to be a playmate when the neighbor girl is bored or when she's invited over, but not good enough to be #1 on the list when it comes to having a friend over.

My daughter is 10, and when we tell her she can have a friend over she has one or two friends who are at the top of her list. She has a few friends that are not so high, and if her "favorites" can't play then she'll ask the others. She will, however, go over there if invited. I do try to reciprocate playdates no matter who the friends are and of course I invite ALL of her friends to her birthday parties. But you know, some moms don't care so much and don't really pay attention.

You know, it sounds like perhaps the daughter didn't want the child at her birthday party, NOT the mom. And perhaps when the Christmas invitation didn't come the mom told the daughter "well, you didn't invite her to your birthday party so she doesn't have to invite you to her Christmas party" and that's where the apology came from.

I would let your daughter lead you on this one. If she wants to invite the neighbor girl over then let her. If she wants to invite her to parties, let her. If she doesn't, then she doesn't. And if the neighbor mom brings it up to you then you can just say "I was just under the impression that the girls weren't that close, even though they are friends."

Life's lessons are hard, but perhaps the neighbor girl learned one.

So you are sick of being snubbed and your daughter's feelings being hurt...and you turned around and did the same thing. Great lesson in maturity and grace, for your daughter. Is that how you want your own child to behave? "You "wronged" me, so I'm gonna get you back!"

And, what is the point of punishing the children? You punish kids, who did not make that choice...so YOU could draw YOUR line, and YOU could make a point? I'm sure they want to play together no matter how you feel! I think the proper thing, would be take the high road, use this to teach your daughter something POSITIVE, and be an adult.

Sorry to be so harsh, but this is so so silly and juvenile. There is no OBVIOUSLY they purposefully wanted to hurt your feelings going on here. You DON'T know, because you NEVER asked. Perhaps, if you had communicated, this would have been avoided. You have no idea why you weren't invited, and this is all childish and petty assumption.

Sounds to me like you did the right thing. If you had called the other mom to complain and b*tch her out, that would be starting a neighborhood feud. But not inviting a child who didn't invite your child... that's pretty normal to me. Continue to take the high road and host a playdate or two, but don't bend over backwards for a family that isn't respecting your child (or you).

Did this girl explain why she didn't invite your daughter to her bday party? Someone called you immature but why should you continue to host this girl when she doesn't do the same? I think best is to not think of it as "getting back at her" but more like how you would treat someone who's not really a friend - you don't invite them to your parties. You host all the playdates and she didn't invite your daughter to her bday parties. Not really a friend... So I'd be pleasant and upbeat and not act angry at all but more clueless like "oh - we didn't really think of inviting her... Why would we?" At this point, to avoid a fued, in a week or two, I'd invite the girl over for one more playdate. Give it a another chance. And then if she never reciprocates, never invite her again. Either way, be nice and friendly to both the girl and the mom but you're doing nothing wrong by not continuing to host. Is the mother this stupid? She expects her daughter to be invited to your house yet she doesn't treat your daughter the same? Ridiculous.

You did fine. You didn't TP their house or go blabbing to the neighborhood. You just decided that you didn't want to extend an invitation to someone who doesn't seem to value you at the moment. Maybe next year's calendar of events will be different. If you weren't feeling good about or around them this time around, then it made sense not to invite them into your space. Invite them back when you want them there.

If you want to talk with the mother about it, fine. If not, fine.

You teach people how to treat you. I guess if my daughter was snubbed 2 years in a row I would think maybe they aren't as good as friends as I thought and I would feel no obligation to invite her to the Christmas party. I actually think I would probably feel a little foolish inviting her after she and or her mother rejected my daughter for whatever reason. Her mother IMO should have made sure your daughter was on the guest list.

I think you did the right thing. Why allow someone to be spitful towards you or your family, and "forgetting" two years in a row is just unacceptable, especially when you opened your door and turned the other cheek. I hope the little girl learned her lesson about how to treat people who are friends' to her. Let it go now and allow the friendship to either fail or prosper, its in the other girls hands.

Regardless of you hosting all of the frequent play dates, your daughter's feelings have been hurt 2 years in a row when her friend had birthday parties next door without inviting her. Obviously, the neighbors were trying to exclude her on purpose...there could be many reasons, some of which might be understandable if the mother had spoken with you (like not enough money/space). But, since there has never been any explanation you and your daughter are taking it the only way you can...personally. I think you handled it very well! And I love that you called to thank the mother for the card so that things can remain friendly for your daughter. The apology was necessary and hopefully the two girls can move on and maybe even become closer now that they have this kind of bond.

I totally agree with AV on this. I would let bygones be bygones at this point. Continue to invite them over for playdates and be neighborly. Your daughter may or may not get invited to the next party. If she doesn't, then just leave it at that. I agree with Jo W. as well. Neighbor kids don't necessarily grow up being the best of friends, but being civil is a must. Whatever happens always show your daughter that you handle situations like these with grace and maturity. That is the best gift you can give her.
We have some neighbors across the street that have a little boy who is the same age as my son. My son would love to play with him and I think the little boy would too, but they always decline our offer for parties and such, so we leave them alone and just wave or exchange pleasantries.
Good luck!
A.

Very sad situation. What is the old saying "Never make someone a priority when they only make you an option". Kinda works here too. You made your point.

I would be frustrated here too. This is one of the reasons why I am reluctant to start doing the birthday parties. Let it go know and see what happens in the coming year.

Let it go. She knows you finally stood up for yourself. Let it go and see what happens now. Don't go out of your way to be nice or nasty...lol. Just be an acquaintance of the family and let it be. I would not host playdates that included her unless they have been especially gracious and had gone out of their way to include her.

treat others the way you want to be treated-is exactly the lesson you gave to this girl and her mother. i think you handled it perfectly, and i love how you said it: you don't want your daughter to become a doormat.
perfect solution.

I don't think you started a feud. I think you stood up for your daughter and now the slate will or should be clean. The girl apologizing and the mom giving you a Christmas card is proof that they understand your family's feelings were hurt. I suggest putting it on the back burner and see what the new year brings.

BTW, just because your daughter isn't invited, doesn't mean that they didn't want her there. Especially if they are in different classes at school (you don't mention). Ex. we have a family in our neighborhood that we see all of the time. I had a Halloween party last year that they weren't invited to. We've never been invited to their parties, so I didn't think about it. That night while trick-or-treating, the Mom wouldn't let them come to my house. I was sitting on the front steps and heard her say, no, not that house. No reason. The kids were begging. She just kept saying no. Finally after a few minutes, the kids back-track. I didn't ask the kids what was up. I still don't know, but hubby says that her feelings were hurt. So come this year I was going to invite them, but when I added up all of the invites from daycare / busstop ( the 5 surrounding houses), I had a total of 40 people invited. Hubby was MAD. So I couldn't justify inviting 5 additional people, even tho I had fully intended on inviting them.but I can't go to them and say, I was going to invite you, but we have too many people so I can't, sorry. that would be worse, wouldn't it? .. just some food for thought.

Sounds perfectly fine to me. They got what they deserved and they both knew it, as well somewhat acknowledged it.

We are in the same situation with my cousin. I thought perhaps my daughter wasn't invited to the other kids parties because they are getting older. Her daughter was invited to my daughters skating party and when I asked how many would attend she said 5 children and 3 adults. She invited their roommate and her child. When they showed up, her husband didn't come, but the roommates male friend did. I never even caught the guys name. I would have shook his hand, but I was busy hosting. Her daughter's birthday is the next month so she calls to see if I know of any princess parties in town. I give her the name of 3 of them with numbers and she sends me a message telling me I should try one of them that she apparently chose. November 5 has come and long gone and no lost invitation has made its way to this house. It is a history of things, much like your situation, but it doesn't have to involve the children. So enough is enough, I draw the line too. Her showing up to our party with extra people was just a slap in the face, as I believe she knew what her future intentions were.

So in closing, don't feel bad for what is done. Sometimes you just have to let people know their actions are hurtful, in which you did...rightfuly so.

I think you just helped your neighbor AND her daughter learn a valuable lesson in empathy.

I agree with Bug. What are we teaching our kids by acting like juveniles ourselves? So the neighbor didn't invite you (or your kid). What made you feel that anywhere down the line you are entitled to be on everyone's guest list? Just because you are neighbors or the kids attend the same school that automatically enforces every person in that network to include everyone in that network?

So the mom may have chosen to not include your child, and I get and understand that is hurtful. It has happened to my daughter for the past 2 years now with a neighbor of ours. I take offense to a parent not including my kid, even though our kids adore each other. I know right then that the parent either has a problem with (1) me or (2) my child. Either way, that sucks and it's hurtful.

But I won't teach my kid that if someone snubs you, then you snub 'em back. If someone calls you a hurtful name, you return the insult.

It kills me every time my daughter asks to go to ______'s house and ask to play bc I KNOW they will reject her, turn her down, or hide behind the couch until she thinks they're not home. It is torture, pure torture. But I know that I have a good kid with an amazing heart and I won't tell her to stop trying to be a good friend if that is what she wants to do. She's done nothing wrong. The other mom simply doesn't like *me*. And I've gone over it a million times trying to figure out what I did or said wrong.... until I realize, it's just about her. She chose to cut our ties for whatever reason (I notice that she got very involved in a certain church and began hanging out with 1 or 2 other women literally everyday) so I know it wasn't just *me*. I didn't do anything and my kid didn't do anything.

Sometimes people just do not click and that is okay.

The way I see it, it's done. IMHO, you couldn't have handled it more perfectly. You made your point, they got it, and you didn't even have to have a verbal discussion about it. Beautiful! See what happens in the future, and if the neighbor girl invites your daughter to her next party, then lesson learned and you can reciprocate. But I agree with you that you shouldn't go out of your way to invite this other girl over anymore. Encourage your daughter to play with kids that truly want to be her friend and aren't just using her when there's nobody else around. My daughter had to learn this lesson too. It definitely upset me more than it did her, but through talking to her and showing her "look, this girl isn't a true friend or she would play with you at recess and not just at home when nobody else is available..." Now at age 9, she's gotten pretty good at being able to tell her real friends from the phony girls. Good luck!

They are 9 - this is more about the mom than the girl. I wouldn't "punish" the child becuase her mother has excluded your daughter. At this point it's too late for the the Christmas party. See how things go in the future. Expect that at this age they will begin to drift apart - especially when they get to middle school in a couple of years (they years FLY by). Surely the mother got schooled on how tough it is to be on the recieving end of being excluded. These are all life lessons for our kids that are better learned while they are under our wings and we can help them through it.

There had been times, around this age, that I told my daughter she could only have a certain number of people at parties - and we had to make decisions about which kids had to be left off the list. Tough decisions but neccessary.

Our next door neighbor's daughter is the same age as ours. Some time around this age they began to have different friends and the other child began to not invite my daughter to her parties. We took the high road and still invited her. For a sleepover pary we made the sleepover part optional - about 5 of 10 kids were picked up at 10:00 and the rest slept over. This neighbor kid left at 10. That was 4th grade I think. The girls went their separate ways since then and now, at age 15 you'd think they were total strangers. They don't even acknowlege eachother - yet they played in the same kiddy pool when they were toddlers.

Life is strange - suburban life is stranger still.

No good ever comes from getting into children's fights. Turns adults into children then who plays the role of the adult?

I get you are trying to protect your daughter but you hurt the other girl and why, because the other mom hurt your girl? Parents tend to control who goes to parties, not the child yet the children always seem to get punished.

I agree, now that girl knows how it feels to be excluded. Going forward, I would keep conversing with your DD about her relationship with this neighbor friend, and what it means to be a good friend. If she doesn't treat her like a good friend, your DD certainly isn't obligated to keep inviting her for playdates, activities, etc. Personally, I would stop doing 100% of the playdate hosting. Teach your DD that real friends take turns inviting each other. Stop putting time and effort into someone who isn't willing to do the same kindness for you. Don't put up with being used. I have regrets watching some of my girls friendships become one-sided and allowing them to be used for as long as I did. That time would have been much better spent with truer friends. Time will tell if she learned a lesson and the girls want to have a real friendship, or if the girl wants to continue feuding.

Hm. Why would you think you started a neighborhood feud? I think it's all very simple, very cut and dry. I don't think anyone should have their panties in a wad over it. Your kid didn't go to a party, so her kid didn't go to a party, (I'm supposing she asked why and was told, since she knew to apologize), instead of her mom acting mad about it, she gave you a Christmas card. You sent her an email to thank her for the card. It's just reciprocation, which is the very base level of social etiquette. Nothing more to think of it, to tell the truth. Next party, if she invites your daughter, you reciprocate and invite hers. It's not a childish thing, it's following someone's lead I suppose. It's not like someone has to get the ball rolling because one of you is new to the neighborhood; you have been to each others' houses and had playdates. So in that respect, you follow someone's lead. It's not tit for tat, it's just taking someone's hint or cue in what is wanted or expected.
Now does the neighbor host playdates and you're not invited, or is she just not hosting playdates in general? I wouldn't get mad if she never does playdates, some people don't feel comfortable hosting them. I wouldn't give this situation another thought. Over and done with. If you have a playdate, ask your daughter if she'd like the neighbor to come. If she does, invite her. But......I'm not really sure......do 9 year olds even need playdates anymore??? I thought that was more for little kids, but what do I know?

good for you!! Maybe now she will know how it feels. I would just wait for this other mother to make the next move. Maybe they will invite your daughter over for a play date. Whatever the case, good luck to you, I hope it worked.

Well, so much for taking the high road! At this age the parents control the parties and play dates. Fine that your attitude is "enough is enough" but if she was close to you, there could have been a conversation with the mother and then a discussion with your daughter. It's *wonderful* that you felt "empowered" over a kid's party....let's see what happens when the girls go back to school. I predict some fall out from it.

This was such an opportunity to learn but was more filled with revenge on your part. They can't "take" from you with regard to play dates, you invite her over. I wouldn't feel like a winner in this case if I were you.

It is what it is. Feedback at this point is moot, because you set things in motion and they're going to be what they're going to be in the end. I don't think necessarily this was the right thing to do. Probably more trouble causing than good will come from it.

All you can do now is see what this girl's family does in the future.

I know if I were in your shoes, I would have just asked the kid's mom what was up. I suspect it was the little girl who didn't want your child at the birthday parties...not her mother. Maybe your child and this girl aren't as good of friends as you think. Sounds like she's a mean girl in training. Just because she hangs out at your house, doesn't mean she values your daughter or their relationship. The fact that they (she) never reciprocated beyond providing her presence at your home is a sign to me that she was not a good friend to your daughter or for your daughter, to start with.

With that said, I wouldn't start thinking that things will be smooth and all good in the future. Maybe worse because the cat is out of the bag. Any chance your daughter isn't perceptive to when she's not liked or welcome to things? There are some kids who are just genuinely sweet and have no idea that they are being bullied, isolated or mistreated by their peers.

Sounds like it's time to examine your daughter's relationships more closely and get a feel for her perception of her role in these relationships. You might need to do her a favor and help her to learn how to evaluate what a good friend truly is. Certainly, I wouldn't have encouraged a friendship such as this for as long as you have. I don't think it would be good psychologically for any child to be slighted like this. The birthday invite was probably not the only instance of this sort of treatment. It was just the one slight that was most obvious to you.

Its time for your daughter to get new friends IMO.

You've made your point. Now be gracious and let it go. The Christmas card and the girl's apology were an attempt at reconciliation. They obviously realize now that they were inconsiderate. Don't keep the cycle of hurt feelings going. These are your neighbors, after all.

I'd suggest hosting the child again for a play date, just once, to signal a measure of forgiveness. Then the next time after that that the girls want to get together, ask the other mom to host. "Our daughters want a play date. Last time they played here. How about they play at your house this time?" See what happens. In the past, it is obvious that the idea of reciprocal invites didn't occur to them. Politely make it clear that you'd like reciprocation, and see what happens. If no reciprocation is forthcoming, encourage your daughter to focus her energy on other relationships. Friendship is a two-way street. You can be cordial neighbors without being bosom buddies, and the signals sent from the neighbors to date indicate that they're not interested in a deeper level of friendship.

Haven't read any other responses, so sorry if I'm repeating.

How friendly are you with the mother? Can you talk to her about it? Maybe there is a reason your daughter wasn't invited (i.e. limited to a certain number of kids). I am one who hates confrontation and usually won't bring up something like this because I don't like uncomfortable situations, but since these girls are going to be in the same social circle for awhile, I think it can help if you talk to the mom. The girls seem to have a lot of friends in common and there will be a lot more hurt feelings down the road if neither girl is ever invited and feels left out.

I agree that you shouldn't always invite her to parties and playdates if it's never reciprocated. I just think it could help to figure out why it's not reciprocated, then deal with the consequences.