Friends Parenting

Drop her like a bad habit! She sees nothing wrong with her child. There's a reason you've only been friends a couple of years. Others have dropped her like a bad habit, especially those who have been with her when she "RIPED an annoyed person a new one" because she thinks her child can do no wrong.

Blessings....

I ended a friendship with someone who had "other great qualities" and sounds exactly like your friend. I tried to talk to her various times about her son's behavior. The last time she treated me quite rudely (as she had the other times) and said I had no business trying to tell her how to parent (I wasn't, at the time I was pointing out that the restaurant manager was moving people to different tables to avoid being hit by the food her son was throwing at them) and if I didn't like it it was my problem. I put down a $20 bill as a tip (I hadn't eaten) went to the cashier and paid for our uneaten meals and we left.

I never returned her calls, and when her husband told me she was very unhappy and wanted to still be friends I told him it wasn't worth it to have to try and undo all the negative behavior my daughter was learning from their son each time she was around him, the stress and embarrassment I was under whenever we went out were literally causing me to be sick, and that I was done. He understood and I don't regret ending the friendship.

I have lost many friends through the years because of differences in parenting. It's not usually a deliberate decision, but gradually I have gravitated toward parents who parent more similarly to the way my husband and I do. I'm afraid a woman like your friend would be someone I would likely spend less and less time with. It's simply not much fun to be around someone who parents so differently than you. Good luck . . .

Since your son and her older son are 10, they are old enough to have playdates and do activities together which do not involve getting ALL the family members at the same time. So I would simply stop that for awhile. I hear ya, that would be WAY too stressful for me too! Invite only your son's friend over or out with you for now. Don't invite the Mom and younger son to come over at the same time. Offer to pick up the friend to go out someplace, and don't offer or agree to meet them all at a playground or restaurant. You can also invite the Mom out for dinner, just the 2 of you sometime if you value her friendship, but avoid hanging with her and her younger son together. I'd try to grit my teeth and avoid all out confrontation for the sake of the older boys' friendship. Good luck!

limit your dining experiences with them......do adults only!

limit your child's time with them, too! AND watch him every single minute while they're together....that's the only way to prevent injury, harm, & misunderstandings!

YIKES!!!!

I wouldn't hang with a person like that - seriously - no matter how much I love them as a person - as a mom - her values and morals obviously differ from mine and I can't condone her behavior...you are telling your son that "this is okay" and it's not...YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG...YOU HAVE TRIED TO HELP HER - but she doesn't want the help and lives in her own little world with rose colored glasses....not working for me..

I don't know if you can have the son over to your house withOUT her and give him guidance - it's under-handed. but who knows!! if he says "pound sand" I would tell him that behavior is NOT tolerated or acceptable in my house and if he can't behave himself - he can go home. period. end of story and if it happens again - follow through...the child obviously has no boundaries or guidelines!! No rules apply to him! YIKES!!!

This is a sticky situation, especially about other kids. I couldnt even say anything to my own sister when i tried to tell her shes not disciplining right. she said i made her feel incompetent plus she has her own way of disciplining.

you only known her for 2 yrs. not quite enough for you to step in her boundaries. sorry im no help but you may have to limit ur visits, ur children are like sponges right now and can pick up bad habits from others.

Personally, I would have told her awhile ago that her child's behavior wasn't acceptable, her blaming of the other children of hers was inappropriate as was her allowing her child to bully others with the excuse that those other children should stand up for themselves. When he is at my house, *I* would step in and discipline him about trashing my home and tell him in front of Mom that if he is unable to respect your home and things, he could not come back to play.

I would not worry about losing the friendships - mainly because this child is teaching your children inappropriate behavior and they are also watching you sit back doing nothing as well as that child's Mom doing nothing - not the best environment.

I'd sit her down (you guys are good friends you know?) and just be like look I am NOT being critical of your parenting but I'm worried that your son may be hurting other kids and not being disciplined. Kids push and shove it doesn't mean your kid is bad but it's up to the parent to let them know it's not okay to hurt other kids. She's raising a bully! I wouldn't tell her that though haha. Let her know that it's emotionally taxing on you when she comes over and her son trashes your house, say you don't understand why her parenting style is so drastically different from her other kids and that it can't be fair to the older siblings if they are constantly being blamed. Maybe ask your son's best friend if his brother tries to hit him a lot and when he tells ask him what happens. That may give you a little room to shift it like you're doing it on the kids behalf.. Also does she really freak like that in a restaurant? This lady seems off balance, has she changed a lot in her mood? Or is this how she's always been? Sad to say that it may be that your good friend might not be that great, if things dont get better start putting distance between you, you should be able to get a away with it by only inviting the older kid over and explain you're too busy to have to clean your whole house and you're inviting just the best friend.. good luck!

I wouldn't sit her down, after all...(think of her words to you) you have only known her for 2 years and what do you know about her life and her kids, and what right do you have. And ETC. ETC. I would just start backing off, if she calls, you can volunteer to have the child DROPPED off at your house (sorry, friend, a lot going on and I can only have one child over and no extra company), that way, you can monitor the situation better, and be a good role model to the kid who doesn't seem to be the issue. If you really miss her at a friend, you can meet out alone for coffee or drinks, or not....but I don't see a lot vested in this relationship anyway. But stay respectful, since you'll probably keep running into her through the years, and hope for the best.

If you treasure the friendship, then you have to accept her different parenting style. But if her child is over at your house, then he needs to follow your rules, so you can nicely say, "In our house, we clean up after ourselves." You can sing a song to help the chore seem fun ("Clean up, clean up, put everything in its place). When you are at their house, you can have your son pick up some toys to continue to teach your son your rules. There may be an issue though when your friend's son starts to push your son and you need to think about what you want to say. You can look at it as a learning experience. I have children that are 8 and 10 years old, and all through their life there have been children that say mean things and are physical and we have to give them the experience to learn how to work it our with guidance. If the boy is too violent and it is a safety issue where he is continually hurting your son, then you may have to talk to your friend that you value your friendship but you feel your son is not safe and is there anything you two can do to work it out.

I'm not going to read all the replies, but only say that at your house, your rules apply!
"We don't scream at our house." "We use our inside voices in our house."
"You're welcome to play with these toys over here."
"Thanks, Older Son, for helping clear up that floor."
"Our couches are only for sitting."
"We try to be gentle with our friends."
"Use the banister on our stairs."

It will require some time at first, but if your friend sees it's important to you, she might try to step it up. If you're investing time in her son and not visiting with her, she may get the picture. Maybe not. But it could be worth a try.

Well, you can teach your son, as I am sure you do already, but teach him about how 'friends' are not always... nice. So teach him, how to choose friends.
It is not only by association, that someone is a 'friend.

And once kids are a certain age, they start to more consciously, 'choose' their friends and may outgrow, other friends. Or prefer others.

It sounds like this person has very few endearing qualities and many shortcomings. She sounds like a bit of a bully. She is also teaching her youngest to be one. I would write her a letter if you want explaining that you don't appreciate her inattention to her sons misbehavior. But be prepared.. She won't like this. Not at all! Or better yet for your 10 year olds sake just gradually spend less time with her and her youngest. That way your oldest son will hopefully keep his friend and you get distance from yours. If you do write the letter... Explain that not discipling him makes her feel good but is detrimental to her youngest. And since you care about her and him so much you are worried and concerned. Good luck dear.

usually if faced with a situation like this i would give myself two choices: bite my tongue (and allow my child to continue the friendship) or remove from the friendship. i think, even friends, should have boundaries. it is not like she doesn't know what she is doing, yet she does it. she is an adult and this is something she is ok with. if you cannot stand it, fizzle away from the friendship. the child either has emotional/behavioral problems, or is exhibiting last child syndrome, which is, being allowed to do whatever because he is 'the baby.'
case in point: my daughter had started socializing in school with someone who is perceived as the bully. i didn't like it. i didn't encourage the friendship, didn't make possible for the friendship to continue elsewhere, and when talking to my daughter while she is telling me about the day in school, i would point out the 'bad' behavior by this child, and would finish with this is not nice, this is not how one should treat others etc. armed with that information my daughter (still just 6) slowly withdrew from this friendship. we didn't have to say anything to the mom etc. frankly, how someone parents is never my business. it should not be anybody's business but the family's in question.

I cannot stand ill behaved children. You will probably have to stop hanging around her & just have the boys play together at your home or hers.

If you enjoy her friendship maybe you can start asking her to get together without the kids.