Generally, Is This What Happens with Your Family?

Not normal.
My grandmother used to say the highest comment spouses could give each other was NO bad mouthing them to others, no matter their feelings at the time. I think that's true.

I think it's pretty normal. My family does it but we do it out of love and it is IMPOSSIBLE to keep a secret in my family, so we all eventually know what has been said and by whom and then that is discussed amongst each other, Ha!!

I NEVER say anything about my husband to my family or his, I just don't think it's respectful and I know that even if I am venting they might not keep that in mind and I don't EVER want anything I say to be held against him b/c that is a real possibility in my family and I just love him SO much!

My husband's family are really ODD, they are a family of non-talkers and are all intellectuals and they are not very lovey-dovey or touchy-feely so it's fitting, to me anyway, that they aren't very open in the communication department either.

It's neither normal nor right. What is that teaching the kids?????? It's teaching them that it's ok to discuss someone who isn't there to defend themselves, and it's teaching them that being critical is ok.

I'm a pretty open book, so there isn't much that could be discussed that would offend me, but it's not ok AT ALL to talk about someone in a group setting.

No, this doesn't happen in our families. My husband and I might talk with eachother about things we've noticed about folks in the family, but it's never a "topic of conversation" with the whole crew.

I don't speak negatively about my husband to anyone, ever. He gives me the same courtesy. We frustrate the hell out of eachother at times, but if you ask his friends they would tell you that I'm brilliant and a great wife/mom b/c that's all they hear about. My friends and family think my husband is amazing (which he is) because they don't need to hear about the laundry that is consistently laying 2 feet from the basket or the coffee cup that I find mysteriously around the house- why would it be on top of the washer?

Bottom line is that if I comment/complain/whine about someone in the family... it's to my husband and he keeps it to himself and vice versa. I would never worry that he would blab. That would make me really uncomfortable. The man knows all of my "skeletons" and still adores me!

Not in my family.

We're all up in each others business (poor boundaries), but its always in a positive sense. I have a really right knit, loving, awesome family. I can't even imagine sitting around and talking badly about anyone in it, or anyone sitting around talking badly about someone else.

My exhusbands family did/does. At first I didn't get it. In my family, if someone's problems are being discussed, its in looking for ways to HELP. The idea being, that problems need fixing. Everyone has them, and they're lessened with more hands to do the work. In my husbands family, problems are looked at as flaws to sneer at to make yourself feel better or take advantage of. Shudder.

No. We are very supportive of each other in our family. There is so much negativity in the world; we don't need it from the people we love.

I think this is very common, but not particularly healthy.

No, we'll say it to your face.

No, this is not normal in all families.

It also depends on the individuals. In the family. And the amount of control they exert on everyone. ie: their influence.

Your Husband and his family, seem very toxic.
And dysfunctional.

I REALLY hope, you told your Husband... about the betrayal of trust... he did to you.
Speak up for goodness sake.
Don't be their doormat.

Personally, in my own family (ie: me/Husband/kids), we do not do that. But in some relatives on both sides of the family, they are like that. BUT the others know it and don't like them or don't associate with them.
Its only a few individuals, or "traits" in these relatives. But they all feed off of each other. Its so petty and immature.
No one has to, then be complicit in it.
Every individual, makes their own choice, in it.
ie: you make a choice to partake in it, (no one has a gun to your head forcing you to be like that). Or you don't partake in it and have your own.... control over it, not being a doormat.

To me, no, it is not something that all families/people, do.

No, and I don't think it's normal or appropriate. Do you have the courage to say NO to them every time they start it in front of you? If you do, perhaps they will re-think this.

You should figure out who the real instigator is. This is the person you should direct your comments to, and do it in front of everyone. And tell them all at the same time that it hurt you a great deal that they were bad-mouthing you behind your back. You should add that everybody bad-mouthing everybody is not how family should be.

You might shock everyone, but maybe it will work and they will find something else to talk about.

Dawn

no we do not sit around and talk badly about other people. We try to not waste our time being negative about other people. We do talk about other people, but just not in a bad way. I tell my husband everything about me and he does the same. We don't go and tell other people things that could embaress (sp?) or hurt the other person

Our family does talk about some things, like who is getting married, divorced (and why), having a baby, surgery, medical issues, got a job, lost a job....

But we don't bad mouth one another or disclose secrets about one another.

Your husband should absolutely not be showing the skeletons in your closet to ANYONE, period. He should not be sharing things that he knows you to consider faults or struggles. Those are for YOU to share, should YOU feels so inclined. How would he feel if you shared something about him to several people that he wasn't so proud of???

I suggest that you talk with him about this to ensure that it doesn't happen again.

Ha! I think this is what people do, whether it is voluntary or involuntary. I know I am certainly guilty of it, although I try not to.

I know way too much about my brother in law and his X girlfriend who I am still friends with and his new girl friend whom I have never met. I try to change the subject, but it doesn't work.

In my family, we certainly know each other's faults and sometimes they do come up.

I find that sometimes my clients share things with me and I think it is because as a photographer I am close to that bride and then I leave and there is a separation between me and her family. So I am close enough to share with and she now has someone that has somewhat seen the actions or the person and then she can then vent.

So yes, think it is quite normal. It is a hard thing, because not all of your feelings or issues need to be aired to others who are so close to you.

We try not to engage in bad mouthing but I wouldn't go so far to say, I've never done it. When my mil was slipping into mental illness, she was really bad. It wasn't enough for her to boast or brag about herself, she had to put down others and then go so far as to lie about friends and family. It got so bad that when the kids were together one yr we told each other that if you don't believe what she says about me, I won't believe what she says about you. I tried to just change the topic or mmmmh, her talk but I should have told her I didn't want to listen to gossip.

Gossip takes two. If one bows out, the conversation is over.

Try to drag your H back over to his better nature.

Apparently, it's completely normal in my husbands family. No family gathering is complete until the bashing session is over. It's horrible and we've stopped going to his family functions.

In my family, we don't do this. We are very careful as to what do discuss in the presence of our siblings because I know that it only takes a little bit of rain to make mud slinging possible.

we don't say anything about them that we won't say to their face.

My husband's family? urgh. Not sure about that...oh well...not going to worry about things and people I cannot change. I can't control their behavior so I'm no longer going to stress over it.

You need to communicate with your husband about your hurt and betrayal. You need to be on the same page. Some times - people do things in "jest" and don't realize that it hurts the other people around them.

Good luck!

I think it's relatively normal, again the tone and word choice are important, "oh is your sis dating anyone? since she moved 3 states away we never see her anymore ( and hope she is happy)" is different, then "what's that old maid of a sister of yours up to?"

Dh's family would probably never say a word about anyone, but they also never say thank you or show affection to each other,

My family keeps everyone in the loop and if that's gossiping, then guess that's too bad,

I also have to say i just spent a few hours this weekend with a woman, that is so over sensitive and out in outerspace about how the real world works, who thinks no child should ever say a mean word about another child ever ( of course no one WANTS that) but to assume her child will never meet another child that might not want to willfully share their icecream or favorite blanket. or to think just by politely telling a mugger to please leave her alone, that she and her child would be safe is just coo coo for cocoa puffs.

taht encounter is coloring my world right now.

oh and one more Point. What am i supposed to say when Dh's family and nieces and nephews are with us at a pininic in the park and all the other dads are playing with the kids and moms and my DH is on his cell phone watching the game. when my sil sweetly says " oh is DH on a work call?" well obviously he is not because he is Yelling GO RAIDERS,
I"ll admit it, he was being a jerk and i threw him under the bus and said, Yes his team is more important than the kids today i guess.

My husband's family is very small and i know my mil talked about me. does she still do that? i don't know but i can't imagine the wolf changed its fur or that it will ever change but it doesn't matter. i don't talk badly about my husband. whatever i have to say i say it to him. my family? it's different. a few nuts here and there and if there is talk it's not to hurt but rather to discuss if that makes sense. but an ocean is between us so that doesn't involve me most of the time.

It depends on what is said. For example, if DH jokes that I fill all horizontal surfaces, haha, that's one thing. If he said I was lazy and slovenly, that would be another. I think that there is also a fine line between a joke and something hurtful and if the person would be hurt to have it get back to them, you shouldn't say it. "Family" doesn't mean "butt of jokes/personal punching bag." There are times when I tell DH to can it because his version of funny isn't mine. And he certainly doesn't like it when BIL trashes him behind his back (big bro can be mean and jealous). That sort of behavior can certainly cause conflict and create conflict where there was none before. If you have a true concern with someone, especially family, have the respect to shut up or discuss it with them one on one.

ETA: we know from speaking with the kids that trash talk goes on in their mother's home. It has had a negative effect on their relationship with both parents, as they feel caught between their mother's hatred and their father. And if she talks that way about others, they are aware that she talks that way about them, too.

IMO, when you trash talk someone behind their backs, you are leveling and depending on the conversation, you are cowardly. So what is it about this family that makes them need to level off individuals? Are they insecure? Or are they unwilling to face problems?

We do not normally.

Lately we have been because we are trying to help my sister. She is about to marry an abusive and controlling man, but she thinks he is an angel. She is being selfish and bratty, for lack of any better terms. So yea, we are all trying to figure out what is going on and if there is any other way to help her, other than how we have tried.

But, in general, we do not sit around and talk about each other. There is so much more going on in the world.

Not normal in my family. On my side we have a couple of VERY DIFFICULT personalities (actually some mental illness) in our family tree-like two out of the whole bunch- and therefore there has been some extreme fallout in their families...so sometimes, family members discuss those things and keep up to speed with the kids involved, but in general NO. I only hear nice things exchanged, or even challenging things "put nicely" since we all love each other. Well, some political gossip between the radical righties and lefties maybe...but nothing personal, and always followed up with good things about the person like "Can you believe they believe that?! But they are such good caretakers of grandma..." type stuff. Even my MIL who is an extreme alcoholic and mean woman..you'd ever hear it from anyone in her family. I don't think anyone in any of our families would feel comfortable with the kind of gossip you're describing among family members.

Now my husband and I are splitting, and I'm sure his family has heard stories, and I know mine has. But before that happened. I didn't say anything bad about him or share and private issues, just topical joking stuff and vice versa.

I think you should let your husband know you are not OK with that.

Wow, that covers a lot of grey area.

Most people vent to someone. If the aspect of that person affects you personally, yes it is normal to vent about it, usually to your spouse. But when it is your spouse that is annoying you for some reason, then another confidant is chosen. BUT, it is very rude to simply talk behind someones back (though most of us do to some degree).

If you do not wish your husband to talk to people about your fault, then simply ask him not to. Yet you should be understanding of his need to talk to someone and give him leave to do so as long as those confidences are confidential.

My family talks but its not always judgmental. I think its normal to talk about what is going on in people lives and share our difficulties. On territory where you would talk about them if they were present or not, all is well. If its stuff that would never be mentioned if that person were not in the room, then its gossip. Common, but not okay. Then again, some people are private and other self revealing. That may be a difference between you and your husband.
My family phycholnalizes each-other both when you are there and when you are not. Family drama is discussed freely, but in the spirit of love and concern, no judgmentalism. My husbands family just retells the same old stories 100x over, then vents about traits that bother them in others behind their backs. I often wonder what they say about us. I know my family talks, but not to vent so it does not bother me.

Sure, we do that to some extent. But will all love and respect each other, it's more in jest and teasing than anything else. No one is cruel or malicious about it. And yes, I'm sure some of them talk about me and make fun of my quirks when I'm not around too, oh well!
Just make sure your husband knows when he says or shares something that hurts you. It's all fine and good for someone to say don't be overly sensitive, but we all have different levels of comfort and people, especially our spouses should respect that.

Wow, funny this just came up a minute ago.. ..

My sister has issues.. and she just sent 6 texts to my phone. but I get the feeling she did not realize that it was actually 6 texts just meant for my dad.

She is not well.. These texts are very upsetting.. Maybe she wanted all of us to see her chew out my dad, but some of what she texts seems to be also suggesting to the rest of us.. we are also the problem.

We have for the last 3 years tried our hardest to ignore her. We are polite, but we try to just stay out of her way. Actually to just leave her alone.

Nothing we say or do is correct.. She sees the worst in all of us. She turns everything around as though we are trying to hurt her, when in reality we are trying to just stay out of her way. .

Anyway, I am very upset right now by all of it. My sister needs help, her poor children. They are in survival mode and I do not want them to stress out by having to speak with me, but I also do not want them to think I do not love them.. If I call them they will tell her and she will call and chew me out.. same if I email them.. She checks their hones, so if I call them.. she will question them about the conversations..

Your husband loves you. He is not exactly the same as you.
Most women, we like to vent.. to share our feelings and commiserate.. That is why our girlfriends are perfect sounding boards. .. They will tell us not to worry, they will sooth and reassure us.. But men...

Men are fixers and saviors. They want to fix our problem. They will tell us exactly how to fix our concerns or problems.. and be shocked when we do not hop to it. They are surprised we do not throw our arms around their necks and tell them "thank you, thank you for solving this so easily!!!! "

To him your concerns have been stated, he solved it and now he was sharing.. To him this was not anything you needed to have any further worries about, so he could share it with good friends.

And so, you need to just be honest.. Also be very blunt with small precise words.. "Honey, I need to vent, not to have this concern solved, but I just need to say this out loud." Then share with him whatever it is that you have to share.

He probably feels very at ease with friends and shares things with no hidden agenda.

When these communication snafus happen, please stay calm.. do not see the worst in him.. Instead just tell him the truth. "Honey, was embarrassed when I realized you told our friends.... "

"I am not mad, I just wanted that to be private between us."

"Please do not share my feeling about my uneasy feelings about my faults and struggles."

Hang in there.. I know exactly how you feel.. I have known my husband since we were 13.. now married over 30 years. He is my best friend.. But I also have very , very good Girlfriends/Boyfriends/ work friends, that I also turn to, for certain feelings and needs.

It happends probalby way too often but it doesn't mean it's right. I know my inlaws do it about some of the others. Usually either about my brother in law and his wife or my sister in law and her husband. But not usually about the other sister in law and family. As for your husband saying something about you. If mine did that yes I would feel hurt and if you have not talked ot him and told him how it made you feel you should. Because that's not ok for him to do that!

Not in my family since it has been about ten years since we have been in the same room...it works out perfect :D

wow. no that doesn't sound like a loving supportive family. mine does not do this. i would be hurt and upset if they did.

now, i used to tease my mom because when she had girlfriends from work over, they would literally talk about whichever one/s weren't there - and when that one would get there, they'd talk about the next one, until they got there, lol. it wasn't mean-spirited though, just "OMG did you hear what so-and-so said to the boss today!! aaaah i thought i was going to fall out!!! " just gossiping.

but for real...that's not the family atmosphere i grew up in, and i didn't find it in my husband's family either. maybe it's just the culture you're "used" to, so you're somewhat subconsciously "comfortable" there, so that's what you married into...i dunno. not normal in my life.

those who say it's "normal" and "all families do it" just don't know. theirs might. mine don't.

My family isn't healthy about this. One sister and I generally go into 'glaze over' mode and just try not to get involved in this stuff when at camping trips and the like. It's hard. My husband and I both agree that if I have a problem with his folks, we keep it within that sphere and ditto with mine. (we don't gossip to each others families). That sis and I do some processing/problem solving on private calls with each other, and we do have some relatives we are concerned about--for substantial reasons, but we try not to do the 'sit around and rip everyone apart' thing.

We don't do that in my family, not when my kids and I are together. But when my ex was in the picture, it was normal and it goes on in his family of origin, as well.

In my house, we simply don't talk badly about others. Why should we? It doesn't have to be that way.

Unfortunately, you can't control if others want to share your secrets. My ex used to do that and I regularly felt humiliated and betrayed. I don't blame you for feeling that way, too. It's too bad but now you know. You'll have to find a trusted sister or girlfriend to share your deepest secrets with.

Typically there is on in particular that is talked about, but he knows it seeing as we say it to his face as well.

Overall as a personal policy I try not to say anything to a person that I would not say to them in person.

Oh sure, every family has their bit of gossip, etc. However, my husband and I NEVER talk bad about each other to anyone. Honestly, I wouldn't have anything to say, but if I have a problem with him, I go to him!

Both our families do this. Drives me bonkers! I try to stay out if it, but I swear theyy all have a knack for getting me involved. Hubby and I never talk about each other to family, though. Nothing we wouldn't say to each other. And nothing personal.

I dont think it's normal or right. It causes the kids in the family to feel less valued and can mess up self esteem. Your family shouldnt talk behind your back or talk sh*t about you, period.
We should make our kids feel so good about themselves that NO ONE can make them feel bad.