Friend with No Kids/mate.

She didn't stop you from speaking about it, she did what she needed to do to take care of herself. Sometimes when you are are going through a traumatic time, you need to get away from things that "trigger" big emotional responses. It sounds like she is really longing for a baby and no amount of talking to her about it is going to help--she just needs you to listen and to let her grieve what she doesn't have yet.

I would include her more next time and ask her if she has anything to add--if she is upset, comfort her and listen. Listen without judgement would be the most helpful.

I've been that friend who was unattached and wanted a baby. I, too felt sad sometimes but rarely left the room. My friends continued to share about their families and that was OK with me. I did not expect them to stop their conversations. I also didn't expect them to be hurt by my need to take care of my feelings.

I suggest that there is no way that you can help her understand that her reactions are hurtful. You are not being insensitive to her feelings but you are being too sensitive to the way that she handles her feelings. I suggest that you need to not take what she does personally. Don't expect her to be a part of conversations that she's sensitive to. Let her leave the room without you feeling that you need to do something. Include her as a part of the group. Listen to her stories about fertility because you love her. Do not feel hurt because she can't listen to your stories of children. Leaving does not mean she doesn't love you. She is doing the best she can with strong feelings over which she has little control.

A time where there's not a big group, I'd go to the friend and say, "We want you to be a part of our group. I noticed you were upset. Is there anything you need to talk about?" And then listen. One of DH's friends passed away and the widow was worried she'd be excluded from things like holiday dinners. One friend heard about her concern and told the rest of us and we all reiterated to our friend that she's stuck with us. Sometimes people need someone to take the time to listen and be their voice when they're too overwhelmed. Don't be hurt by her leaving. Be understanding that she needed a break. When our cousin had a baby and my sister was in the middle of infertility treatments, Sis had a few good cries and even saw a counselor for her depression. It is really, really deep in your bones hard sometimes. Let her have her space and you invite her and allow her to choose to attend or not.

I think you're being insensitive to be hurt that she's left the room. She didn't stop your stories or get upset with you. She left the room because of her own emotional pain, perhaps mixed with some jealousy. Your friends have every right to swap stories and information, but to her this topic probably feels a bit like rubbing salt in a wound So, why not let her do what she needs to do right now to be able to socialize and stay close with friends but also protect her emotions? Would you have rather she sat in the room with raw emotionals and bawled through the family stories? She was polite enough to leave the room and keep her composure. There are probably days when this is harder for her than others, and if she's taking fertility drugs, that adds to it. You guys are friends....consider it a bump in the road. The difference in her stories and yours is that others have their marriages and/or their kids, and right now she has neither...she wants what you guys have, and it hurts.

if i have a group of friends who's in a 'phase' that i'm not in synch with, i take it upon myself to limit the time i spend with them. i would NEVER expect friends to censor their conversational interests to something that pleased me. i'd be very uncomfortable if i thought they were doing so.
if she leaves the room, let her.
the rest of you should feel free to discuss what is of interest to all of you, and she should feel free to join in or leave as her own comfort level dictates.
naturally it's courteous and gracious to be accommodating of everyone, but you are. you listen sympathetically and let her have her say. she needs to mature a little and understand that the entire group doesn't revolve around her.
khairete
S.

I had a son and a hubby once a long time ago. I NEVER wanted to talk family when it was girls night out. It was my time to be free of that conversation. Why can't you all plan a 'no family talk' night and see how that goes. Talk about fashion, travel, your childhood, where you want to visit, etc.

I don't know.
There's a balance.
A lot of times when someone's put off having kids they are traveling, working on careers, etc.
Their life has been filled with other things - and sometimes friends who are Moms while this is going on can be envious of the non Mom.
Sometimes diapers, spit up and sleepless nights sounds horrible compared to long flights, messed up hotel reservations, lost luggage, office parties, etc.
We take different paths in life - there are pluses and minuses no matter which way we go.
The angst she's feeling now is more about her wondering if she made the right choices and does she have any regrets - maybe she has a few.
Your group is not doing anything to intentionally hurt her and you are not being insensitive.
A counselor might help her work through her feelings but don't turn your friendly gatherings into attempted group therapy.

I think she needs to suck it up but it definitely is harder for her. She has to listen to you guys talk about something she doesn't have, while you guys have to listen to her want something the rest of the group already has.

i think you're right, she is being overly sensitive. you don't sound like you are rubbing it in or making her feel badly about it. she's just going through a rough period and isn't feeling happy or confidant in the way her life is right now. that's not your issue, it's hers.

maybe you could call her or get together with her one-on-one and talk to her about it. if she is as open as you describe it sounds like she might be open to you trying to help her through it. sometimes all it takes is someone hearing it. let her have a little pity party. maybe mention that it upset "the girls" when she couldn't handle the kiddo talk. no, she's not stopping you guys from having your kid conversations - but she is making you feel badly about them. and that's not right either. it's only natural you'd talk about them - and as a friend, i would hope she'd be interested. not to talk about them CONSTANTLY, but at least to catch up. perfectly natural.

of course, all of this said with HUGE amounts of empathy and compassion. but yes, she needs to deal with this. this is her life - she needs to accept it or change it. she shouldn't punish others or make you feel badly because of where HER life is right now. it does seem a bit selfish. but i know she's probably in a bad place right now. but that's it - it should be temporary. help her feel better. good luck.

I've been on both sides of this, and it take sensitivity from everyone. I didn't get married until 37 and was 41 when I had my first child. So I had decades of listening to friends and relatives and coworkers talk about their children. I also attended many, many baby showers and religious ceremonies of all kinds related to children. I was always happy that my friends and family had kids, but, yes, it was very, very tough, when I was the one and only woman unable to conceive. Now that I have two of my own(the second one conceived after only one month of trying!) I am the one that friends and family with fertility issues can talk to, because I have been there, done that, and come out okay. Moms need to be understanding of their childless friends, and, yes, those who are having difficulty conceiving need to recognize the joy that their friends get from their children. Finally, as an aside, I think of parenthood from many different angles. It takes a village to raise a child. I have "childless" friends who are like second mothers to their nieces and nephews, or who are close to a child whom they have tutored or fostered. Parenting is not just a biological issue, it is a relation that is built on love and respect. If we can see the totality of parents and of family, that might help to bring together those who have their own children and those who do not.

I wouldn't call it insensitive per se, but She's going through a HUGE emotional upheaval. Biological clocks are ticking, and hormones running rampant. You ladies need to understand her position. Walk a mile in her shoes so to speak. How would you feel if you were in her position? Think on that for a minute. I bet you'd need a moment to cry or compose yourself too.
I should know. I was that friend once, but I could never afford the expensive treatments, having blown all my savings trying to see if I was even capable of having a baby. I was pushing 30 at the time(age difference, I know), and frustrated. Most of my High School friends started having kids a decade prior, and when the conversation turned to grades and sleepovers, I quietly left to go have a cry. Or so I thought.
My friends would not let me grieve alone. They even offered to have a kid-free topic girls night out, to which I stated would not be necessary if they understood I may need a few minutes to myself to compose myself. They agreed to that one, with the caveat that if I took too long they were gonna come drag me back!

They each to a one told me that the Powers that Be(not all were standard Christians, so I'm generalising) had plans for me, and to not get frustrated. Easy for them to say! (my thoughts)
Losing babies was hard for me, I told them, and then I got a shock. I wasn't the only one in the group to have this problem. We all got to weep together and discuss it in a frank honest manner.

Boy were they ever right! One year later, I had my son. It's not been an easy road, what with Ex leaving, being a single Mom, Evaluations, and IEP's and the like.

He's now seven(soon to be eight).

La vita è bella!

No you are not being insensitive.....your friend knows the group, so if she can't take hearing about babies and husbands and life in general, then just get together with her one on one.