Friend vs Acquaintance

When she calls and ask for help in a certian area and you are not able to extend yourself or your family I would just say we are not going to be able to help you this time, I wonder if you continue to tell her you are dealing with somethings as well and can't help her would she still consider you her BFF? Try it and see, that may be your way out!

You attract those people because you have empathy and like to help those in need, but you get wrapped up in it yourself and before you know it they can't let you loose.

You can help from a distance. The moment you begin to bring it home is when you find it harder to let go.

Don't respond to her on HER terms. Respond to her on yours so that you are in control of the relationship and not her. If she calls you, don't answer the phone at that time, but call her back later and then hang up when you have to go - Stuff like that..

[edited] I'm of the frame of mind that no one ever has enough friends. I feel really bad for her. I hope she finds someone who cares about her and appreciates her. She sounds as if she really needs it, especially around the holidays.

If you need to end the friendship, I would be gentle about it. If she asks for something you have to be okay with saying, "I'm sorry, I can't do that for you. I have too much on my plate right now. Maybe you could try so-and-so? They're really good about that kind of thing. Would you mind if I forward your contact information to her?"

It's her own thoughts about you being her 'best friend' and then dropping her that will hurt. You can't really control her thoughts. And you're right, very few people can be rescued, though she's attracted to you because you have offered some rescuing behavior by volunteering to help her out in the past. So there is probably no way to avoid hurting her feelings. The best you can probably do is to be polite and grown up.

If you really want her to fall out of your life (and look closely at your motives to see if this is true), I'd start by not returning her calls. She will probably connect with you at some point, so you'll need to be clear about your needs, which are also legitimate, even in the face of a needy person. She has a lot to deal with, and she may have trouble making or keeping friends. So even a little kindness probably means a lot to her.

The next time she asks for something that you don't feel inclined to give, try this process that really helps us kind-hearted, can't-say-no types:

Use a calm, friendly voice. Restate her request and acknowledge how she would benefit from her request, so she knows you heard her. Use the magic word "AND" instead of "but," which will put your reply on equal footing with hers without invalidating her. Then state what YOU need. This can be as brief as. "And that doesn't work for me." Don't make any excuses, no matter how badly you want to. Don't apologize any further than a brief, polite, "I'm sorry." To do either weakens your calm, authoritative position.

So you might say something like this: "Jeannie, I hear how much you would like me to _________ for you. This sounds like something you would find helpful. And no, I'm sorry, that simply does not work for me."

If she wheedles or argues or cries, repeat the three simple steps. Do not get drawn into an argument, or into making excuses. Keep your voice gentle and calm. If she escalates, which is rare, excuse yourself with, "I have to go now," and either leave or hang up.

Ah, empathy is a wonderful thing to have, however, you can easily be sucked into someone elses drama, issues, and neediness. I have a very hard time in this situation. However, since I have gotten older, and have a family of my own, it seems to not be so bad. Like you, I do attract a certain bunch of people. Most often they are very co-dependent. The only way that has worked for me, is to be upfront and honest. Once a friendship turns into a therapist appt, or a phone call or visit which only occurs when they need you for something, I call it quits. I tell them that their situation is too much for me to take on as an individual, and I don't feel like I am just their friend anymore. They need to find some objective help, counseling, as I am no longer a friend if I just sit back and watch them not deal with things. I also would let them know that you are equally busy, and have lots of things going on in your own life that you are trying to work through.

You can still be their friend, and supportive, but until they are able to seek help for such and such, I would limit your involvement with them.
Phone calls, going out for coffee once in awhile, etc .

You've been a good friend to her. You might have been the best friend that she has had through all this. I wouldn't go cold turkey on her. I would just start weaning her by being very busy with your own stuff. Suggest support groups where she might make other friends or introduce her to a new hobbie that she will meet people doing.

Don't be available. When she asks for help be honest and tell her you're overwhelmed with your own life and you're sorry but you can't help. I've had to do that with a couple of acquaintances.

You are right to stop the relationship. As sad as I feel for needy people I've learned that they can suck me dry. I will help if they're willing to help themselves and I see progress and I have the emotional energy and time to do so. And they reciprocate by helping me. Taking care of myself and my family is top priority and rarely am I able to take on the needy person.

I was friends with a very needy person who needed someone to talk with and to help her clean up her yard. She'd been ticketed and was facing a huge fine. She helped me by working for me improving my house to get ready for a sale. I felt encourage by her progress and elated that I had help too.

Stop returning her calls. I had a friend like that she believed that everyone lived on her schedule. I was working a lot of second shifts in retail and didn't gethome some nights until 11 or 12 midnight and she would call at 7:30 AM and talk and talk and talk--never giving me the chance to get a word in. Since she would wake me I often had to go potty bad. She also felt that my way is right and your way wrong--couldn't handle different. I just edged away from her slowly and now i haven't heard from her in a few years, much to my relief. At the time when she was calling all the time and talking for hours her whole world revolved around her boyfriend now husband. What he said thought felt ect ect ect ect. If he said anything that could be taken 2 ways she alsways took it the wrong way. At the same time I was seeing a man who was recalled by the Navy on Sept 11 as the World Trade Centers were falling--his phone rang. My daughter was dating a man who had just joined the Army. Either of them could have been deployed to combat at any time. And this woman was obsessing about the fact that her BF had a 45 minute drive to work and he was tired. Or that he said something.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were dealing with something as horribly debilatating as cancer. You are right, you have no reason to continue this farce of a relationship. Get these takers out of your life. I hope things get better for you and your family. Thanks to caller id, maybe you can just avoid her calls all together. Good luck and God Bless!