I need some help. A friend just lost twins and is going to have to deliver them. She lives in a different state and I want to do something for her. I'm just not sure what is appropriate. They have a 2 year old and I was thinking of sending something to her as opposed to my friend and her husband. I know that seeing a smile on my daughters face can help brighten even the worst day.
Is that a goofy idea? I'm not sure what is okay. I've never known anyone who lost babies so far along.
How about sending some bulbs for spring that they can plant with the 2 year old, as an "in remembrance" type gift to the family.
I think a gift for the 2 year old is a great idea. Also, if you can in any way, go see her. Maybe a visit from a close friend is what she needs. See if you can get away for a weekend and go visit her.
I worked with a woman who was 1 week away from delivery, she went to her last appt before the due date and the dr's could not find a heart beat. The cord was wrapped around the baby. She & her husband had tried for years to get pregnant and finally it worked only to end this way. No one new what to say to her when she came back to work. So sad.
That's a nice idea. I'd also see if you can either find a service to deliver a meal or two, or send her a few gift cards to different places that they can order from. It's hard enough to worry about feeding yourself and your family after giving birth, I can imagine it's just that much harder when you don't have your baby(ies) to make it all worth it.
I lost a baby after 6 months and it was one of the hardest, saddest periods my husband and I have had to go through. We also had a nearly 2 year old at the time (we went on to have twins and another single birth) My sister-in-law sent me a nice fluffy sweatshirt with a note that said when I put it on, to know that I was wrapped in a big hug from her. I was very touched and the gesture put a smile on my face. Hope this helps.
This happened to two friends of mine, and the one thing I learned from them was that it's important to treat these twins as real children who existed and then died, as opposed to children who never happened. They may have existed only in her womb, but to the mother they were her babies whom she loved and cared for. One of my friends had some very hurtful experiences at the hands of people who did not understand this. So, as suggested in the other posts, a gift that recognizes or memorializes these children in some way might be helpful. But I think a gift for the 2 year old is also a wonderful idea.
I like your idea. When I lost my babies, I received a piece of jewelry to remember them with. I wear it daily. I also appreciated the flowers one of my friends sent me on the due date. The hardest part is that so many people expected me to just get over their deaths and act as if they just didn't exist. I really appreciated those that let me grieve.
It's really sad to see so many people who have either lost children or know someone was has lost children. Sadly, I too, fall into that category. I had to deliver twins very prematurely, knowing that they would die soon after birth.
Yes, the grief process differs for everyone. But, I just wanted to talk at times. Not that anyone had any answers, but I just wanted to get my grief out without being judged. And really, the nicest things people did were when they brought my family a meal. You are so darn drained and can barely function enough to take care of yourself and your other children that you cannot even think about cooking.
Besides that, someone made a contribution to Easter Seals in my twin's names anb that was nice. I also planted mums in my backyard....something that comes up every year to remind me of them. Hope that helps and good luck being a good friend in a time of need.
I'm so sorry. I think that is a sweet idea. I would add a card for your friend, letting her know that you love her and are praying for her (if you do that), or just thinking about her. I'm so sorry. What a grievous, horrible thing to go through.
Hi C P,
When we lost our first, someone gave me a special candle. I also considered taking ultrasound pics and letting the ashes go where the child would have played. Plant a tree or bush in the children's memory.
What I learned from a good friend who lost 2 babies early and struggles with infertility still, is that talking about anything baby is a bad idea. I would call her during naps so she didn't hear my living child and talk about gardening, insects, music, anything. It helped to give her space around special times, when the child would have been born, when she was induced to expel the babies, first announced etc. I knew that I had to not talk to her for a few months after I announced each pregnancy and when I delivered. It's a weird, hard, awkward social dance to do, but it served us well.
My heart goes out to her and her immediate family. My cousin was 7 months along and had to deliver the stillborn child. It's a haunting event. I hope some of that helps.
L. L.
There is never, ever anything goofy when you are trying to cheer someone up. What a thoughtful person you are! My mom actuually had almost the same thing happen over 40 years ago and I know the pain never goes away. The babies were born but died afterward. It was actually a terrible mistake but in those days and being Irish CAtholic, people were not sue happy or vindictive like they are now. It was a thing that happened.. And sadness affects everyone when baby dies.I think you have a fine idea there.
www.thecomfortcompany.net also has some beautiful gifts for child loss. Sadly I had to purchase something from them last year, too. They are a local company, too. (Geneva I think).
There is no easy answer, I had a dear friend that lost a son just prior to birth and it changed her forever. I tried so hard to be supportive and let her know I cared even though I could never understand the depth of her pain. We eventually ended the friendship because she couldn't deal with my pregnacy. It still hurts. She did go on to have a healthy baby boy a short time later and had already had two healthy girls. I would reccomend if your spiritual to keep her in your prayers and speak to your friend about getting counseling sooner than later. Was she able to say goodby? have a burrial? Those things are very important for closure. Just be there to listen, cry and support. Use the phone, not e-mail. words no matter how kind don't sound the same when read. I think that is part of what broke up my friendship. Most importantly give her lots of time no one deals with grief the same and she will have pleanty of advise from well meaning but not so tactful aquantinces. Best of luck.
Peggy
p.s. My prayers are with her and her family.
I like your idea, nothing better than something for the 2yo. also, be there for her, I dont know but maybe she just wants someone to listen. My sister sent me a paper flower everyday (by mail) she made it with ruled paper from her notebook for about two weeks, just one flower, but it made my day, everyday.
I love the idea other posters have made about the meals!!!
Sorry for her loss, all our best!
What about a flowering shrub they can plant "in memory of" in the yard? Like an azalea or rhododendron (sp?) .
Be there & available--by phone & email. Understand if you call & she's just not able to gab that day. I second the idea about take out food gift cards and a nice lovey for the 2 yo would be sweet!
I lost at 18 weeks and seeing my son helped me grieve. Consider sending her meals.
I think it's a fine idea to send something for the 2 year old. I agree that some, if not most of her solace will come from her love for and from her child. So to see that child smile surely couldn't hurt.
