Four Year Old Boy - Unkind to Girls

Hi S. - Under no circumstances is being unkind acceptable. Period. (This is the message to your child, not you!)

At four, it's the perfect time for him to start learning two concepts: social choices and consequeces and "self" esteem(these will serve him all his life...)

So, I agree with removing him from the situation up until you said "until he can be kind.". I say, remove him for the immediate past behavior and that's it - in the moment. No judgement.

So, when it happens, just say, "being unkind is not acceptable" - very, very simple. When you are angry, he won't hear much anyway - And he'll just be thinking, "but SHE..."

And he goes into time out with no more conversation. Quick, severe, you're in charge.

When the time out is over (completely removed, very bored, 4 minutes as he is 4, time out starts when he is sitting quietly...), you hug and kiss, say it again, "being unkind is not acceptable - let's try this again!" Be kind and enthusiastic - and off he goes.

My reasoning here is that it's important to remain unjudgemental - be careful, especially when he already knows he's wrong - that you don't use "you" at all. If he feels you are judging him, then he won't hear a word.

And lastly, after the play date is over and he IS kind, be sure to tell him, "I noticed you were being kind and nice to Sally today - I'm so proud of you!" - And most importantly - more than any of this - the next thing you need to say is, "How do you feel?" (Hopefully he'll say he's proud of himself, and if not, guide him to it - are you proud of yourself?)

Because that's why they call it "self" esteem! Now is the time to help him learn to be proud of himself, not to perform for others...

Worse case, by the way, maybe they have to play in different places for a while - her outside, him inside, different rooms, etc.

Don't worry, this too shall pass!

OK - enough for today.

Sometimes it works for you to treat him like that for a few situations and then explain to him, at that point, what it feels like on a personal level. Making him feel the same way helps.

I agree with J M.

He's 4. Its common for boys his age to go through this (to prefer playing with boys over girls & his reaction, girls go through it too). I dont think he is at an age where he can realize the impact his words have on another person.
But you are doing the right thing by removing him from the situation, be consitent with it, explain on his level why it is wrong and eventually it should stop.

I agree with Cindy B! Sounds like she may have the book my mom got for me called Love and Logic Magic by Jim and Charles Fay Ph.d's. wonderful book! Good luck!

Hi S.,

Cindy B hit it straight on the nail! Simple, to the point and it works!!

Hi,

I am just reading your post now. I also have a 4 year old boy and another boy who is 1. My 4 year old is the same way with his "girl friends" most of the time, although it isn't always. I just got finished doing a post because he is starting to get more fresh as he ages! Maybe it is just a stage that they go through?? Sorry I have no advice because I need some myself but wanted to tell you that you are not alone!

It could maybe stem from jealousy of his little sister? maybe not..but try and have a talk with him saying that Mommy is a girl and he shoudl play with and be nice to girls.

Last year when my son was 4 someone in his pre-K class started the whole 'we don't play with girls toys' etc it upset me, but the teachers told us girls really don't care about the boys in class, but being rude to a playmate isn't a good thing either.

I am sure others will give great advice, but try the Mommy is a girl thing too.

I am glad he is becoming more socialable and enjoying playdates..maybe one of his pals does this and he is joining in?

Hi S.,

It sounds like your son is just being four. Mine (now 8 and 7 years old), went through that for a short period. I did what you did - removed him from the situation, and told him that it's not nice to exclude other people.

Eventually they grew out of it.

Good luck!!