My five year old step daughter tells her mom that her mom loves me and her son more than her. How can I stop this or try to quell this behavior?
Thanks for all the advise! Even the one that told me to figuratively, butt out.
First off, I did not include enough information.
When she does not get her way, she tears up and cries saying mommy loves her older brother better than she loves her. She has also told mommy that no one loves her and that everyone hates her. I know this is not true as we tell her very often how loved she is and that no one hates her. She is loved the very same as her older brother.
She is constantly told and shown that she is just as special and loved as much as her brother.
She goes to a close friend during the week days since mom and I work during the day. Our friend is very close to her and takes her for walks, work-outs and to the beach often so I know she is not told she is hated or less loved there. She gets constant one-on-one attention then.
We have no idea where this is coming from since the kids around her are very good at giving her close attention.
We take her on outings and to the playground all the time. She has time alone with mommy and often with mommy and me.
And to answer one reply, No, mommy does not love me or brother more than she does her. She is kissed, hugged and comforted all the time and hears "I love you"s almost 100 times a day. We are all very loving.
Once again, thank you for your advise.
A better explanation please...
I think I got it though. Your SD tells her mom that she loves others more then she loves her?
At this age it is pretty normal especially if the new child is really young and requires more attention.
How to stop it? By spending more one one one time with the older child, by making sure that the older child feels involved in the younger childs life. More one on one with mom and more one on one with you.
This is not for you to deal with, C..
Not to be rude, but this is Mom Territory. She's little, you give no back story, so I can't really give you any specific advice. Other than this:
Don't argue with her. Don't punish her for this. She's little, she's five, her brain works in absolutes AND, developmentally speaking, she's at an age where she's really not going to admit she's wrong in her statements.Why? Because her statements are based on her feelings and there are no wrong feelings. This is her perception.
If it were my kid: what I'd do? Be a detective and jump into looking for clues, patterns. A child who cries and says "You love Tommy more than me" when they are not getting what they want (and Tommy is) is likely to be venting her feelings of inequality. "I didn't get what I wanted and he did -- you must love him more"-- perfectly normal feelings of juveniles of all ages.
If you were hearing this at, say, bedtime, when you and brother got to stay up later but she went to bed earlier, then this is her perception/feeling around being 'left out', which is sometimes how kids feel.
So, see? Without knowing more details, without knowing how mom is handling this when it comes up.... hard to give advice. But if it were my kid saying this, I'd be looking for opportunities to strengthen our bond as often as possible, so when my kid came to me saying "you don't love me as much as..." I'd feel a little more bullet-proof in my own self, knowing that I've been very loving and caring and tender with my child. Then, I could say "wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. I wonder, what is it that makes you feel that way?" (NEVER ask a 'why' question in this situation-- they often cannot understand their own psyches enough to dig out a 'why' that works for them. ALWAYS ask a question which references concrete ideas as opposed to abstract ones. "What about this is hard for you? " "What happened just now that makes you feel like that?" "How is it that you think Mommy loves XYZ more? Can you tell me?")
Depending on the situation, (you don't say how recently this little girl's family broke up and how recently you came into it), talking to a family counselor may help. Blending a family is a tricky task, even if the children are young. Having two households is hard for kids of all ages. So, instead of trying to stop or quell a behavior, the *much smarter* thing would be to address the underlying causes of her assertions that Mom loves you and brother more. It's all the difference between just sticking a band-aid on something (merely changing a behavior you find annoying so YOU don't have to deal with it) or doing the real work of addressing what's hurting her heart so that her unmet need is being addressed. I know which path I would take: certainly, the latter is harder. You can't discipline someone 'out' of a feeling without deeper, further consequences later on, so do deal with what's going on for her in a compassionate and thoughtful way and discuss this with your wife. She needs to be the one who is having the heart-to-heart's with her girl and she needs to address this and to reassure her girl of her unconditional love. Otherwise, all of that is coming from the wrong person. (I say this as someone who had a stepfather-- when my mom asked the questions, I felt like she cared and felt safer; when my step-dad would try to analyze me, I'd feel very critiqued, vulnerable and distrustful, as though my words would be used against me to justify his position. Just something to consider.)
You, on the other hand, can augment and strengthen those ties by doing what other moms have suggested, which is to spend some one-on-one time with this girl and make her feel she's important to you and your sense of family, just the way she is.:) Stepdads have important roles, too. Being supportive of her, playing with her, making her feel that she IS special is very helpful and will help her to feel included.
Good luck!
C.:
Welcome to mamapedia!
She's crying for attention! From HER perspective you have taken over her life and her mom is no longer "hers".
"her son" - you mean her brother?
How do you stop this? You include her in your life. You have special family nights. DO NOT IGNORE her. That will ONLY solidify her feelings in her mind. When she says this - say "I'm sorry you feel this way, Jane. I do love you." and then press on.
When you apologize to her - you are not "validating" her feelings as true - you are validating that she is allowed to have feelings and express them. Then turn it around on her - ask her what she needs from you to or her mother to show her and help her feel as loved and cherished as she really is.
Again - DO NOT IGNORE HER. Keep the dialog open. Find out what she needs in order to feel that love.
Good luck!
I am assuming that your SD is jealous of the brother... I'm assuming that he is a newborn or fairly young.... also, without knowing how long you have been part of the picture, that can be pretty typical of blending families, and her being jealous of M. having any kind of relationship.
This can be pretty typical when babies are born..... they need lots of one-on-one care, and face it... she was getting that attention until he came along.
Find something special you can do with her..... take her to the park, read her favorite stories to her, things like that......
Try to carve out some special time for her, where it is just the two of you, and no talking about the baby brother.
Children always feel they are treated differently than other children in the family. There's nothing you can say to change that feeling. Instead remember that actions speak louder than words. When you see something you know she'd like (like a cheap bracelet or hair ribbons) pick it up and give it to her saying "I saw this and thought of you." Instead of planning every day things ask her what she'd like to do one day. Spend time playing board games, teach her a card game, have a dance party in the living room for no reason. You'll never talk her out of how she feels but by spending time with her having fun you'll show her that she is loved and valued in your family
Well, is it true? If there is some truth to her statement then you will have to change your behavior.
As others have said in other words, I suggest you change your focus from trying to stop or quell this to understanding it. All feelings are OK. At 5, kids think in a very concrete terms or black and white. Either you love her or you don't love her in her mind. Of course this isn't reality. It's just that her brain is still developing and hasn't reached the stage in which she's able to see all the options in between.
Tell her you're sorry she feels this way and give her a hug and tell her you love her. Accept her feelings knowing that is just the way she feels at the moment. Be sympathetic. Know it's OK for her to feel that way. Continue to show her that you love her.
You have to ignore this. Whatever she tells her mother is up to her mother to deal with. You just keep acting like you love her, tell her you love her, and that's it. You cannot stop the behavior, C..
Little kids sometimes say to their parents "I hate you!" Their feelings are very strong and in the "now", and they don't even really understand what they are saying. You say to them "Well, I love YOU. Finish picking up your toys, please." So do you see what I'm saying? You ignore this kind of behavior. If you make a big deal out of it, you are actually drawing attention to it and will create even MORE drama.
at that age you say I love you all. there is really nothing you can do to fix this. At our house (my kids are now daughter 31, son 25, son 23 and son 17) when they got a little older than yours is now would say "because I love Andrew best today or I love Sam best today, or its Joey's turn to be the best....." but no matter what you do your kids are going to have the perception that you liked / loved this or that the best. My kids all say mom loved Prince Andrew the most. Which is not true but it is how they all feel. I don't think I did anything different with him than I did the others. but they will always feel that this one gets treated better, that one gets away with more, that one is a brat etc. you just continue to say I love you all
She's telling mom how she feels. Why do you need to stop her from expressing her feelings? What you need to do is to make sure she feels like she is just as loved. Find out why she feels that way and help her to work through it. Don't stop her from expressing her feelings; that will be something you regret. People who bottle up their feelings end up alcoholics and drug addicts a lot of times. Is that what you want?
