Need to Vent Re Stepdaughter

I'm a stepmother and I get what you're saying.

The problem is: your husband's family hasn't dealt with the divorce. They are treating your badly, and your husband puts up with it. Stop there. That's the main issue. Your husband has kept his daughter close by not standing up for you, and she sees that it's working. So she continues to control and manipulate by engaging in this behavior. If he includes you, she pulls away and THAT is what is causing them to grow apart.

The family could have stayed on cordial terms with the ex-wife without excluding you. But they disrespect your husband by refusing to accept his choice of a wife. And your husband puts up with it by continuing to take you into family events where you are mistreated and not welcomed. He needs to put his foot down.

Your SD came into your life at a tough age - teen years. That's when she's figuring out the kind of woman she wants to be and the kind of man she wants to be with. She's learned, with plenty of encouragement, that she can pit 2 women against each other (her mother vs. you), that she can manipulate a man (her father), and that she can join up with a group of people (the relatives) to bully another woman (you). Great skills for adulthood.

There's nothing wrong with putting up a picture of her parents on her Facebook page. That's if the rest of this nonsense weren't going on. But she's done this as a passive-aggressive way to say "Screw you" to his father's wife. So it shouldn't bother you, but her reason for doing it should.

You and your husband should get some couples' counseling so he can figure out how to have a relationship with his adult daughter, make up for some of the mistakes of the past, and how to value his wife. Teaching his daughter how to be valued by a man is a great side effect of this treatment. Your stepdaughter has some behavioral problems, but she has been helped along this negative path by a whole lot of people. So the only people you and your husband can control are yourselves, and the way you react to treatment by others. Start there.

Nothing will change until your husband stands up for you. Takes it like a man, and makes it perfectly clear that the choices he makes are his and his alone. Until he does that, they won't like you. Well they may not like you even afterwards, but at least has made it clear where he stands in the situation.

As for your husband and his DD growing apart, you're right that some of it is just age. It's pretty common at this point for that to happen, it's important that they keep communicating, even if it feels like it is more on his end then her's, but not chasing, just making himself available to her.

The picture of the ex and your husband. They are her parents, the two of them, the couple from the past is a part of her life. That is a reality. He was married/with someone before you, and they have a child together.

Your husband ought to have the balls to say to his family that THEY are the wedge between him and his daughter because of all their nastiness over the years regarding his choice to remarry. They would have done this to anyone he would have married, so it really has very little to do with your personally.

If the facebook picture is the only thing his daughter has done to make you feel that she is participating in behavior like her family, then I really don't think this is the same, unless she said something awful about you regarding the picture. Her mother will always be her mother and she is probably reminiscing about their days together.

Your husband is the one who has to handle his daughter. It's really up to him. I guess his family doesn't care if they lose him, since they work so hard to alienate him. Foolish people, really...

C.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

For me? it would help to know why your husband and his ex-wife divorced. IF you were the "other W." - sorry - you're going to be running an uphill battle. IF you were the other W. - your husband needs to stand up and say ENOUGH...I MADE this decision. I was NOT forced into making this decision.

If they were divorced for some time before he met you? He needs to get a spine and tell his family to back off. This is HIS life - NOT theirs. He needs to tell them his side, in front of you. Clearing the air for once and for all. If they don't like it? Fine. We won't be returning. This is MY decision.

There are times when families who don't know the whole story will idolize those from the past. Especially when they don't know the whole truth, only one side. It happens all the time.

Let them make all their nasty comments. Keep staying away. It will be their loss, not yours. The more they see it bothering you? The longer they will continue to make their comments. it's not about growing thicker skin. It's about not allowing them to bother you. Right now YOU are allowing their comments to bother you. is what they are saying the truth? If not? LAUGH in their faces. Seriously. When they see it's not bothering you? They will eventually shut up. Yeah, you'll have that one in thousand who can't shut up. You get it everywhere. They are just sad and pathetic people. Feel sorry for them.

Good luck!

i don't have advice, except the wedge between your husband and his daughter has been created due to her behavior and his family. if i were you, i wouldn't be bothered one bit. to show that you do not care is the best way to deal with all of them.

His family chose to maintain a relationship with his ex. Chances are they were never that fond of her while they were married, but now she somehow is "great". Problem is it prevents you from having a relationship with them b/c its always shrouded by her. Some of this may just be your perception, however perception is reality. If its how you feel, then that makes it real in your world. I'm in that position with my fiance as his ex has clung to his family. Their divorce was final long before we even met so I had no part of their divorce. Does your husband want to have a different relationship with his daughter or are you projecting? I understand your frustration, but only take positive actions to change this if its what HE wants.

It could be that they are still angry at him and you are simply the scape goat. They have resentment towards his ability to remarry and start a new life. She sees you as "why couldn't he love mom like he loves this new wife". So I would try not to take it personally, because their actions may never change. The more you two grow closer the more resentment she may have towards you, especially if her bio mom goes through obstacles in life that would be easier with a partner (sickness, financial burden, loneliness etc).

your step daughter and her family have graciously placed you in the middle-you did not do this to yourself, therefore, take yourself out of the middle by no longer attending any family functions. Plaster pictures of the ex on facebook as though you haven't a care in the world. Ask not to be included, just informed of events so that you can make alternate plans while your husband is away for a few hours lavishing in the sickness of his"family". Haven't you ever heard of passive aggression? It is quite effective at beating a person at their own game. They're consumed by hatred and it will eat them alive. After today, were I you, I would never think about this again. All the best-you will prevail.

I don't think posting ONE picture means that she is "participating in such behavior."

Sorry if I sound unsympathetic, but maybe she has a good relationship with the xwife. Is the xwife her mom??? If the xwife is your SD's mom, you are way out of line. She has a right to post pics of anyone she loves on FB, and you should not be offended by that.

If your husband, your SD's father, is avoiding his daughter, is it surprising that she has stopped attending your family events?

I'm sorry that your husband's family criticizes you, but your husband should not avoid his own daughter, and you should not promote it.

Is it possible that the family is correct that you are making him choose you over his daughter????

Reading below: I seem to be alone in my perspective, so maybe I didn't understand your post.

Thanks for all the encouraging words. It has been affirming to know how we have been handling things is pretty much all we can do. My husband is considering a conversation with his daughter. I'm so fearful that there will be reprecussions for me and us, yet I want to support him. It is also very interesting to me how others feel about social networking. Hubby is appalled to have his picture on Facebook with his xwife. In his daughter's room ok, in her photo album ok, but Facebook?

This will take your husband speaking with his daughter, even if they need to see a counselor together to work it out.

He needs to set boundaries and the daughter needs to grow up and realize, her dad and her mom will always be her parents, but her parents are not together for real reasons. This could be part of the problem. She does not know the whole truth. She also does not realize that sometimes, people just cannot stay together and be happy and healthy. This was their marriage and she needs to understand they made the best choices that they could.

You and your husband deserve to be resoected, b=just as the ex deserves to be respect.. These reindeer games is childish and a waste of time and energy.

They need a wake up call, and your husband needs to be the one to deliver it and put his foot down.

Your job is to be "Lady Gracious".. Stay out of it, stay faithful to your husband, be kind, thoughtful and above all of the pettiness. They will look like the lunatics, you will look like the mature person in the whole group.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Families can be so mean. They forget everyone has feelings..

My fathers family was terrible to my mother, but once they divorced all of a sudden they adored my mom and were mean to my fathers wife..

Then it switched and they were mean to my mom and nice to the new wife..

Why could they not be nice to EVERYONE? I do not think it occurred to them that it is ok, to be nice or at least polite to everyone involved. Heck if they were going to be mean or mad at anyone, it should have been my father, he was the problem the whole time!

There isn't much you can do but wait. With time and maturity, she will probably come to see things as they really are, i.e., you and her dad are happy and she really has no gripes with you, other than you married her father (hopefully that's true). As hard as it is, I would ignore her behavior. Anything you do will just make things worse.

Sorry you are going through this, but I am so glad that your hubby is standing by you. That's the most important thing.

Ooh, that's painful, but be thankful that your husband's eyes are open and he is willing to take this stand for you. I'm sure that he has stood up for his daughter when he needed to. Now, at her current stage, while she is "acting out", it is very important that she see him standing by you. Even though she doesn't understand it now, he is setting an example of how a husband should treat his wife. He is being consistent with his daughter, showing her that his love for her is unconditional and that he will still jump through hoops to show his love to her, but he will not do it at the expense of his wife and marriage. It seems to me that he has found the difficult balance. It is a fine, fine line that can be missed if you blink while you're looking for it.

I think that you should go about your business of loving your husband and letting him see that you see how he cares for you. That should take up so much of your energy that you don't even care what those others think. The ones who have a genuine interest in how this plays out, concern for how you guys fare in it, will ask you about it and listen to your version of events. Those who decide to just take what she says and what they think they see at face value and hold it against you really don't care about your feelings are hers, so disregard them. It's hurtful, but what can you do? Chalk it up to "their issues" because that's exactly what it is. We're still dealing with this in our house, so I get it.

ETA: So, I didn't get that your husband doesn't stand up for you. When you said that neither of you says anything, I guess I didn't take that at face value. Are they outright mean to you? Right in your husband's face? And he still says no words? Hmmm.

As long as you didn't break a marriage up with his first wife, you shouldn't feel guilty what is going on between his daughter and family. I know what you are going through, I am my husband's 3rd wife, but he never had kids with any other woman except myself. I made sure before we got to know each other that he didn't have any other kids, because I never wanted to be a step-mother. I didn't want my kids to not deal with step-families. Good luck...not sure if there is anything you can do except let your husband deal with his family issues. If you get involved, you usually get burned. I also agree that it's the daughter's business who she puts in her Facebook albums. They are her parents. Unless, you and your husband can arrange another family picture that includes the whole family. If you have children with your husband, she may feel like an outsider. Try to include her with you family activities. I wasn't sure if there were other kids involved.