Extremely Sensitive Stepdaughter 6 Yrs old...feel like I Can't Say Anything!

I am sorry, I know it's hard to post and get jumped on... but why... what would make you think.. how is it that you expect.. spanking to help with crying? You would hit a child for crying? And hitting them and causing pain would help with that? So sorry, but I think this little girl is crying for fear she is going to get spanked. If she knows you and her dad are disagreeing about this, if she sees you discipline your son this way...and it's all so strange for her...she's scared. It drives you crazy if she states what she is feeling? It is good for her to state what she is feeling and she needs you to validate it - it sounds to me like she has a lot to be sad about. Please get some family counseling to learn some techniqes for you to guys to be a happy family. It is not easy to blend different backgrounds and discipline methods and really hard on the child as they have no control of it. Just make being a happy family your priority and get some professional advice on who to move towards that goal.

just because 'strong' discipline and spanking worked with your son doesn't mean they're effective or useful for this little girl. i think it's wonderful that this child has been raised without spanking or yelling, and am sad for her that you feel she needs this in order for you to feel in authority.
her tears are her way of communicating with you, since she has tried the direct method of telling you how she feels and it's not working. what else does she have?
yes, she does sound like a sensitive soul, and i am with you in that i don't have much patience for that personality type (and boy, do they abound on this site!) i'm much more for directness and am taken aback when it's received by floods of angst. but you really need to sit down with your husband (her dad!!) and work out something that fits BOTH your parenting styles, and doesn't require this very very young child to have to wrench her psyche out of true to please you.
my stepmother had a 'tone' that set my teeth on edge. not being a crier, it made me defiant. be glad you have a weepy one. and try to be aware that you are somehow contributing to this situation, even if your intentions are excellent. you are the adult here. it's up to you to figure out how to parent this child effectively and compassionately, not for her to become someone else in order to be compliant with your demands for how she *should* react.
khairete
S.

Boys and girls are totally different. You are used to raising a boy with ADHD who needs lost of discipline and structure. This little girls is TOTALLY different.
Little girls cry - we call them waterworks. If she wants to cry, send her to her room until she's ready to talk without crying. It's that simple.
She may indeed be spoiled, but it's not up to you as the stepmother to change that. Let her father do the disciplining. You might sit down with both children and set up some house rules. Let them tell you what the consequences for breaking those rules are. Write it all down and then hang it up where they can see it.
As for spanking - it's not necessary.
YMMV
LBC

I haven't read the other answers yet.
Wanted to jump in with a couple of observations before I read the others.

It sounds to me like she has "I-messages" down already,
even at such a young age.
When you do X, I feel Y.
That's a difficult lesson for a lot of grown-ups to master
so I'm very impressed that she's got that one already.

I think what's going on here is a difference in style/expectations.
You're accustomed to coming on strong in order
to get through to your older child.

She's accustomed to gentle/non-confrontational interactions
so becomes overwhelmed when approached in a strong way.

I wonder if you might be able/willing to TRY interacting with her
in more gentle ways.

For example, when you tell her right from wrong.
There's probably a way to do that that won't result in tears.
Let's say she has done something she didn't KNOW was wrong.
Before you tell her what she should have been doing instead,
could you explain why you don't approve of what she was doing?
Maybe if she understands your thinking, she won't feel attacked.

In addition to whatever other things have been happening in her life,
perhaps coming to live with you in your home,
with a bigger older brother who is maybe a bit scary to her,
has been a very stressful change for her.
Does she understand why she's there rather than where she used to be?

I'm glad to know your husband doesn't believe in spanking.
Please give him a hug for me.

Hi M.,

You don't mention how long you have been in your stepdaughter's life, so I don't know if that's a factor or not. What I can tell you in my years of nannying (I took care of 5 little girls through this age, at different times) is that it sounds like she's being a six-year-old, the way that some girls and boys do. Somedays it seems that they are finding everything "unfair",huh?

I really agree with everything DVMMOM said. And I will also say that I know many families who say that spanking "worked" with one child, but not another. So this is no guarantee of changing anything. It is, however, a guarantee that your husband will be upset with *you* and not his daughter.

I would do as suggested by having her go to her room when the 'drama tears' start. If it's an understandable hurt or loss, please try to relate with her.And try not to respond to her upset by *routinely* sending her to her room: even when it drives us nuts, it IS our job to be the boss, and a good boss will listen to their employee, even if it's only to say "Thanks for letting me know how you feel. Now get back to work." If she's just pitching a little fit, yes, she can go be mad in her room. In my nannying families and with my own son, we have a phrase: "This is a time for talking, not a time for tears." Then, if that doesn't quell the storm: "Come back when you are ready to talk."

And the book recommendation is one I would have given you myself. It has changed both my work (as a childcare provider/preschool teacher) and has had a positive effect on my parenting.

Hi, well, your situation is very complicated, but let me preface by saying that her sensitivity may simply be her personality and not a factor of being spoiled. I have an 8-year old son who is ADHD and strong-willed and we have to be tough on him and a six-year old daughter who melts into tears if I speak strongly to her. This is difference in gender and personality, not situation. My son tells us that we are unfair because we discipline her differently than we discipline him and I explain to him that the function of discipline is not to punish, but to correct behavior. If it takes less to correct her behavior than his, well, then, that is how it is. Life isn't fair. You need to take a lighter touch with her, especially because you are a stepmom. If she melts when you yell, she might just change her behavior with a talk or a few minutes on timeout with only a few tears. Be happy she's easy and sweet and reassure her when she cries. You'll see that when she feels secure, she will start being stronger. If she doesn't like being told no, tell her that its your job to tell her no when you need to. If she says she feels sad, tell her it's not your intention to make her feel sad, you simply need to correct her. You have to separate the behavior that you feel needs to be corrected from her person, as in "I love you, you are a great kid, but I don't like it when you do x. If you continue to do X you will damage yourself and/or others."

It seems like she has learned to use her words to express feelings, which is good. so build on that if possible. When she says she feel sad, reflect that back to her "You feel sad when..." She will probably be surprised and stop crying. This is in a matter of fact voice, not a sympathetic voice. Then you have to emphasize that this (being sad about being corrected) doesn't change what is right from wrong and that you want to help her do right.
If she doesn't stop crying then you can say that "I am upset when you won't listen because you are crying. When you are ready to talk to me about what is right, let me know." And walk away.
I like the "Love and Logic" approach. They need to know that we love them, and consequences that are logical have a greater impact. Explain at a time when you are not correcting her that you have to tell her no sometimes for very good reasons that she may not understand.
Just some ideas - keep in mind that some things will work with some and not others, some things work for a while, and things change all the time.

Don't let the crying get to you and try to keep your frustration down. I was a crier too as a child and hated being yelled at. I couldn't help it and it was not on purpose. My DD is the same way and my DH and I always have to be careful to not let her crying change what we are doing.
So what we do is that we do not respond to the crying one way or the other. For example - if she starts crying when we tell her it is bed time we still continue with the bedtime process as if she was not crying. Bath, pjs, brush teeth, story, bed. She can cry the whole time if she wants but usually she realizes it is not changing the situation and she stops.
For discipline we give her a warning, telling her what she is doing wrong. If she continues then she gets time out. We speak clearly to her but we do not yell and we do not hit.
She is the child, let her lose control of her emotions. You need to keep yours under control, no matter what she does.
It is also good for you to tell her that you understand that when you say no it makes her sad, but that does not change your answer. A rule is a rule and your decisions are not changed by tears. Period.
She needs a reliable home where she knows the rules and the punishments and that you are the authority. You can establish this with her without yelling or hitting. Good luck!

try telling her that she is not going to waste your time by crying to get her way.you should treat both children the same way. you wouldnt have any patience with a boy who balled every time he didnt get what he wanted, or he got told no. so why allow your daughter to do it ?
K. h.

As parents we are going to on occasion yell. Now having said that make sure that you have a talk with her another time when you aren't frustrated & let her know that just because you get upset with her, it doesn't mean that you don't love her. Tell her that there will be times when you don't like her behavior, but just because you yell ,it doesn't change the way you feel about her. Try giving her warnings: This is a warning if you don't obey now, then you will lose a day of TV, or computer or DS or whatever you find appropriate. Then if she doesn't obey take something away. Talk to her about this ahead of time & let her know the rules.

Hang in there. The crying sounds like my own 4 1/2 year old daughter. I understand that the women in her life are apparently not seen by her on a daily basis like she is seeing you now. Keep on with the even tone, telling her what's not acceptable, etc. also make sure you both have positive experiences together. Let her know you still love her every time. The crying bothers my husband and I tell him to just ignore her, continue talking with her. I give her hugs (maybe she'll silently realize she's out of line if you continue to hug and care for her and at the same time it may be what she needed). I do that anyway because I think there's no harm in it, just make sure you don't apologize for correcting her (I know you won't). There's tough love! I hope both of our girls grow out of it soon. I love the idea of having a timeout to get herself together, I just need to figure out how to present it to her without her thinking it's punishment.

Some kids just cry because that's their way of getting their emotion out--whether it be anger, sadness, etc. She may not be able to help it.

If I were you, I would just ignore the crying. Either that's how she is and you'll have to live with it OR she has realized that crying works with some people (my SD used to try the fake crying but I could always tell the difference and she stopped). Spanking is going to make her cry harder!

Just let her cry. Say your piece, correct her when you must and ignore the response. If she carries on, put her in time out to "pull herself together." My SD is 9 and she still goes in time out to pull herself together! It's a good habit to get into, to leave the situation and give yourself time to get your emotions under control. Time-outs aren't a bad thing!

While different parenting styles are required for different children I think that it sounds like this girl has been getting the grandma treatment from everyone and no strict mom role model, which is what she needs. If you plan on having more kids with your husband then this is the perfect time to make sure both of you can come to an agreement on how to raise the kids- you can't treat this girl any different than you would your other children. Sometimes the best parenting is tough love and it is your and your husbands job to do what's best for this little girl, even if she doesn't like it; it's okay for everyone else to spoil her but make sure to make it known that you are the parent and you are the final authority and everyone needs to back up your decisions if not then this girl will end up seeing you as the bad mom.

somebody is beating down her self esteemshe needs encouragement postitive correction. she is getting beat down verbally by someone. figure out who is beating her down verbally and eat thier tale out and tell them to stop. she is a human and deserves to be treated as such.