First Therapy Session with Ex-boyfriend

Sometimes therapists go into the profession because of issues that they have had in their own life that has caused them to see the value in this type of work. So, even though she has been educated and trained in this particular field, she is still just a person with her own issues and filters, so it is best to take what she says with a grain of salt perhaps. And sometimes it is best to treat it like a consumer issue; it the services that are being provided don't work for you, trade her in for a therapist that is a better fit.

You don't sound like you have a committment issue to me. You are committed to finishing your schooling and getting your degree. You are committed to raising your son. I guess the problem is that you are not committed to the thing that benefits your ex and his agenda. I think you are wise to continue what you have been doing, especially if your ex hasn't been acting like a responsible and concerned dad by contibuting to his son's financial support and paid for part of your medical costs associated with the pregnancy.

Hang tight and, if something doesn't feel right to you, pay attention to that because that is your intuition telling you what's wrong and what's right.

Life always has a lot of uncertainties and unanswered questions. I think you're wise to try therapy. He may or may not be the man for you, but O. thing is for sure, he is the father of your child and the better you can communicate and work together, the easier your entire lives will be!
I believe you should follow your gut: keep your family support, finish school and build some type of relationship with your baby's father.....take it slow. No need to rush headlong into a bad decision. Your baby and your education are probably what your main focus needs to be right now.
You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders and that will serve you well! Good luck!

Moving in before you have yourself straightened out (mentally, school, etc.) is a big mistake. What harm will come if you move slowly and make sure it's the right move for all parties concerned?

Moving in, leaving, moving in again, etc. is going to do nothing but harm the child you're trying to protect. He will be fine w/ just you until you can ensure a stable environment for him. That's what is most important - a stable environment. Good luck, and get yourself a new therapist... or at least tell her she needs to work w/ you re: WHY you have commitment issues prior to moving in w/ someone.

My philosophy is ---if you don't know what to do, do nothing. Why is it wrong to stop and evaluate the situation? We make mistakes even when we're SURE we know what we want. Let this unfold naturally, don't rush into something when you're not sure which way to go. That just doesn't make sense. The more time you spend getting to know this man, the better you'll see his true self. That will bring you to either accept him, or walk away.

It is hard to do the right thing. Stick to your gut and don't move in for the child. That is a recipe for disaster and your child will suffer most. Stay in school. Care for your child. Let the rest fall where it may.

I didnt read your whole post, but the therapist needs to get to "know" you guys better, this was your first session. So dont run off and move in with him just because she said you have "committment problems"... give it a few more sessions... She needs to know WHY you arent ready to make that plunge and you need to be honest with your feelings so she CAN help sort it out and stear you.

i would not move in with this man. i think your instincts are right on the money. it doesn't sound as if you are in love with him, he sounds frankly very irresponsible and domineering, and i think you're better off doing exactly what you're doing now.
and good for you for going to counseling, but this does not sound like a great counselor.
i know you're young and not as confident in following your intuition as you will be in a few years, but please listen to yourself here. don't do it.
khairete
S.

I wouldn't move in with him just for the child's sake. People who stay in relationships simply for the children usually have unhappy relationships that actually have an adverse effect on children. Establish a situation where he has a relationship with his child, but you don't have to have one with him. I'm a proponent of therapy, but not every therapist is a good one! Sounds like you're where you need to be -at your family's -and finishing school. I would stay right there!

HI M.,

The best advice I can offer you is to find another therapist just for you (and keep doing couple's work, if you want), so you have someone who is completely on "your side" to help you figure out what's best for YOU (and thus, your child, too). You really need to figure out what you want, before you can expect to build a relationship with this man.

It will take some time. Take all the time you need. How can you commit to a relationship you're not sure is best for you? If you do decide to try working it out with the ex, that will take time, too, which will include spending time together (i.e. dates) just the two of you, and time together with your child. This time spent together really should be just "dates" to get to know each other, enjoy each other's company, explore what you do (and don't) like about each other. Not an endless discussion about will you do this or that, and why or why not.

Why would you want to move in with someone before you're sure you want to commit to him? :-) Take your time!

You can both be great parents without living together, if that's the path you choose. Do NOT move in with him "for the sake of the baby". Did I mention you should take some time? :-)

Best of luck to you!
C.

It sounds like your head is on more level than the therapist. I would just encourage you to do as you are. I totally understand why you would want to wait and see how this man is going to own up to his responsibilities before making a commitment. If you were my daughter I would be proud of the discussions you are making now for you and your child. If that man really wants you and the baby in his life then he will step up to the plate and do whatever he has to do to make you feel comfortable in the relationship.

If I were you I'd find a therapist I was more comfortable with. Not all therapists are created equal.

If she told you in the first session you were a commitment-phobe that sounds like she was jumping the gun imo.

If you are religious at all pray, pray pray; God has a plan for you even if you aren't sure what you are supposed to do right now.

As several others have said - don't rush into anything! Stay where you are. If this therapist doesn't seem good for you, try another one (not all are good at their job). There is no deadline on any decisions here.

You are amazing for working, going to school, and being a parent! If this relationship ends up being good for all of you, he will wait until you have a chance to work through things and are more sure of your decisions. You sound like a capable, independent woman. Don't be pressured!

Never let anyone pressure you into doing something that you are not comfortable with.

Stay with the therapy at least to get the two of you communicating. It's not wrong to wait things out. You did have a child together, so you'll be seeing quite a bit of each other over the coming years regardless of whether you end up living together/married or not. All we have to guide us in life is our intuition and what "feels" right or wrong to us - don't be pressured into doing something that feels wrong. It is going to be easier now to plow ahead, finish school and let any "relationship" with your son's father take the slower path. Having a husband/live-in boyfriend and a baby is a lot more on your plate. Making yourself stable and in better shape to handle your finances/work and your son's needs is the most important. Don't spread your focus too thin. Having a child with someone is rarely the primary cement in a loving relationship. Your husband/partner is to be your best friend, your confidant, your lover, your favorite companion, your staunchest defender, your can't live without him - not just your baby's daddy. I don't get the impression you feel any of the above about him - you call him your "ex." Forget about people being critical - live life on your own terms. Try to have a wonderful holiday and enjoy this first year with your son - there are so many milestones!

You have legitimate concerns. Take your time and follow your instincts. Just because you have a baby together doesn't mean you have to live together. He should not be pressuring you into anything!! These are huge, life-changing events and you have every right to take it slow and give yourself time to decide what you are going to do. You need to do what you think is going to be best for you...your baby is counting on it!
I am warry of that therapist...she should not be rushing to judgements after one session.

1. Change your therapist. (My daughter was see a therapist and we had a session together, I was skeptical, but we stuck with her. It turned into a nightmare and my daughter actually got worse. She's with a new therapist and things are going great). Trust your instints.

2. Don't ever do anything for the "sake of the child". You'll regret it. In the long run chances are both you and the child will be miserable. When, and if, you feel you have built a strong relationship that will stand the test of time, then consider moving in together, but not until then. Trust you instints.

You are wise yourself. "I want us to have a foundation." Doing counseling is hopefully going to help you build the foundation. Co-parenting and all the negotiations and compromises that that takes is going to help you build the foundation. Moving in? If you aren't sure, then don't push it. I don't think it's fair on the child to make the child the foundation of the relationship (I don't think you are doing that, but it's sort of the old-school way of doing things--girl gets pregnant and "has to" get married kind of thing).

I hope things go well for you guys.

Listen to what your gut is telling you. I would wait to move in together. I would get your career started. I would also spend time with him and your son together as well as time just with your man and you. Maybe your parents will watch your baby during a few alone hours with your baby's father. Just don't get all sexual with him and use the time just developing who the two of you can be as a couple. Go for walks, dinner, sledding, swimming, play games, make dinner...anything to get the two of you together and talking or doing. Really take this time to get to know him. Continue therapy. Tell the therapist that you really want to get to know this man like you should have in the first place. You want to be sure that things will be ok within your relationship with your babies father (that the two of you can work through anything you face) before you move in with him and get stuck in a bad situation. That would be worse for your son then what you are doing now! Good luck. Congrats on being a new mom.

I've been married 42 yrs., have 2 adult kids & 3 grandchildren. "Building a foundation" comes AFTER falling deeply in love. Without love the foundation will crumble. It is very rare that 2 people who didn't love each other but a baby, ever came to truly love each other. I would forget the therapist, ask for child support, establish visitation or custody visits, and hopefully be good friends. You AND your baby need and deserve a husband and father who will truly love and care for them. Take care of yourself and baby first while waiting to find the man of your dreams.

You never said anything about loving each other. Do you want to move in hoping he will step up and start taking care of you and your child? Or do you want to move in with him because you love him and want to see him and be with him everyday?
There is a reason why you are hesitating. You need to get to the bottom of that. He is pressuring you to move in, why? Is he the controling type who wants to posess you or does he love you?
I don't think it has anything to do with commitment issues on your part, you see something in him that makes you uncomfortable and unwilling to move in with him. Listen to that feeling. Just because you have a child together you don't need to live together.
He has already showed you he won't be there for you in times of stress and he is unwilling to take financial responsibility for his child. Does he want you to move in because he wants you to take care of him, cooking, cleaning, and doing his laundry? Or does he love you and want to shower you with love and devotion and take care of you and his child? Anytime one person in the couple wants to rush the other person to move in or make a commitment before they are ready is a red flag. It usually means they are the controlling and abusive type who doesn't love the other person but wants to own them and control their life.
My advice, finish school and get a good job, your own place to live and see how this plays out. If it is real it will wait, if not you can move on.

It sounds like he did try to help support you and you rejected it. He wanted you to move in, but you said no. If you want to be with him, then why are you stalling? I think you need to put aside your over-thought analysis and try to be with the father of your child. You haven't listed any truly strong reasons to not be with him, so what are you doing? For the sake of your child, try to build this relationship. Be prepared for not everything to be peaches and roses. Newborns are hard on a relationship, but it really gets better once both of you get the hang of it together. Put aside your self for now and do this for your son. If things don't work out later, fine, but you will be able to tell your son that you truly tried.