I thought we had a GREAT marriage. Seriously, everyone thinks so. Even after talking to my dad, he says that my husband is a very good man and that we just need to figure out how to talk this out. But now.....?
An issue that upsets me a lot, and I haven't decided whether it's a deal breaker or not. It wouldn't have been the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, or 4th time we talked about it. But we had a huge fight about it a month ago and we really said what we had to say, and he KNEW that it was a HUGE issue for me and it needed to be corrected. It involves him giving money to some girl (he says to her FAMILY, but the fact is, he's giving money to her without me knowing, when he KNOWS I'm a very generous person and would be TOTALLY cool with it (even proud of him) if it was above board and if he told me "I'm going to call and check on them" or "I want to get their transmission fixed". But when he doesn't tell me anything at all, and she's a stranger that I've never met, and that we've gone through this SIX times now, I think there's a problem. Not that he's having an affair, but that this is a PROBLEM. We've always been up front and honest with each other (right???).
He GAVE ME his password for voicemail (we have had each others passwords for phone, email, banking stuff, etc since before we were married, never a problem), but he said I could phone his voicemail if I was feeling weird or insecure (yes, he really did). So I phoned it recently while out of town. And it was THAT GIRL. Just saying that she was calling him back and she'd be up late so he could call her whenever. I was upset so I waited 30 minutes and then phoned him. We got into a big fight. The biggest fight of our marriage actually. He wanted to know why I even knew about it (after being super sweet and trying to make things better) and I said "You never phoned back, weren't answering phones, so I checked your voicemail". He flipped out, says he doesn't want to be married to me. I said "You can't change the rules without..." and he said "I can change the rules anytime I want to". I said "YOU GAVE me that password, and I don't sit there and check everyday. But we've been having problems, I'm on the road, you didn't phone back, you weren't answering the calls...." and he flipped out on me. The next day, told me not to come home, to just go live in our other house (another state), then hung up. I didn't answer. He phoned back a few minutes later and said he was sorry about that. But then he told me to spend the night at my dad's, not to come home. I did, for 1 night. Over a 2 day period he would phone me and say terrible things, baiting me. I didn't take the bait, I refused to fight about the stupid, absurd things he came up with (like "I'm going to take a nap and then get dressed and try to "f" someone"....I paused a moment and said "OK. I love you" and he said "I'm going to do my best to change that" and hung up---things like that over and over). I just stopped answering the phone after 5 or 6 of those kinds of things. It's WEIRD. It's not normal.
I told him that if the rules had changed, and he didn't want me to check his voicemails, I give him my word I won't. He said "You're damn right you won't". I shrugged it off. BUT this morning: I go to one bank account that is in my name and my mother's to do the once a month check up, check our interest rate, all that stuff. (This account is where we put our taxes for next year, etc). Then I went to our regular checking account to see if we got our rent deposited, how are the bills that are on autopay, etc. I can't get in! The username and passwords have been changed. I was a little shocked. But then I went to our credit card (it's ALSO on my list: I do this once a week, checking our statements, what are we spending, keeping it in check with the monthly budget....AND especially when I've been on a trip that has us spending money in ways that aren't normal....this has been our routine for 7 years; he does the long term planning and I do the weekly and monthly management)....I can't get in. The username/passwords are changed. I can get into my private IRA and a tithing account, but I cannot get into "our" 401(k)---his name, OUR retirement, which we both work on and make joint decisions about---OR the charitable gift fund. What the heck? I don't want to panic. I'm thinking that this was done on Monday or Tuesday when we were really having a bad fight. Perhaps things are going to get better (hopeful after last night and this morning) but HOW do I approach this subject with him this weekend??? Fine, change your email or voicemail passwords (I'm so not happy about that, because of the fact that he's changing them BECAUSE of this girl calling) but our finances???? I'm scared. I'm surprised that he'd even think to do this. We had a really good marriage. But things are looking pretty scary right now. And it's taken me by surprise, I am not prepared for this. (I still have use of the bank card and credit card, it's just that I can't see anything).
Just added in answer to some answers I received: I know that this may sound strange, but yes people give money to people they don't know well. My first year of college tuition was paid for, 100%, by a couple that I'd never met in my life. We were at a church convention and the lady kept trying to tap my shoulder and I was like "Dude, seriously? I'm trying to listen to the speaker" and she was like "Stay here, I will talk to you after the convention". I was on the last row of the front section, so she could have been anybody, noone was sitting behind me. After the service, she was there and said "I know this sounds weird but my family's been praying and we want to pay your college tuition. Where do you want to go?" Another time, I was at Jack in the Box and a lady in line and I started talking. She showed up at my school asking questions to the dean, then paid (to the school, in my name) for a trip to Israel and my 2nd year's tuition, 100%. Once I was at a motorcycle rally and stacking chairs and someone said "Hey! I saw you a few months ago eating chocolate pie at Terry's BBQ....What are you up to now?" They said they like to support young people that are doing good and wanted to send me $50/month and I said yes. There's been things like that in the past for me. Now we try to do the same because now we are in a good financial situation. We buy lunches for strangers, we've bought people's gas or groceries without having ever said a word to them, we support people's causes that we think are good, we give stuff and assistance (even if it's just advice, assistance can be anything). It's a normal thing in day to day life for us. It's just that this ONE girl (and she is just a young girl with 2 kids) is very upsetting because these other people don't call his (or my) cell phones, and this ONE girl is telling her sob story to him and not to us, and he's given her money without talking to me. That upsets me. And I don't feel bad about that. I agree that there is something that is just not right. Whether he's got good intentions or not, it's not right to hide things.
Thanks for your thoughts. Jo W, when I read your answer you totally hit the nail on the head. He's always been great. Bipolar, but a good person, a good husband, a good dad, my best friend. But then he started having this back issue that is causing a lot of issues (meaning that a physical or sexual affair is so not the issue right now, at all---he can't stand long, can't sit without a back brace, can't turn....and is now having problems with the bone grafting they did in his lower back....so no, a sexual affair isn't the issue at all). This girl is just a "kid" (like 21). But she's telling him all kinds of sob stories (we know WAYYYYYY too much about this girl and her Jerry Springer-esque bad luck). He started by asking me if it'd be ok if we gave them our unused lamps (we had a lot from our first apartment, but now we wouldn't buy a house that didn't have good lighting so we just had these lamps stored in a closet). I said "Yes sure, just do this for me: let me go with you so we give them to her together, so she doesn't get the wrong idea. Not that I don't trust you, but we don't want her to get confused, or those she works with". He was fine with that, but when it came down to it, I was just really busy, my son was sick and crying, and I said "Bah, just go yourself, it'll be ok". Then later I found a slip where he deposited money to her, and we talked about it, and I said it's ok to give them money, they are hurting and I understand that.....but you need to tell me. The next time, I found that they'd been talking on his cell (not often, but even "at all" made me a little leery). I personally feel that she's just shady and trying to take advantage of him; he's not as street smart as he thinks. I checked his voicemail and it was her giving an account number. He gave her a good bit of money to stop a payday loan mistake that they'd made (who would use those things if they had ANY sense???) In return, he's holding the title to her truck (what was collateral to the Payday loan stupidity) but SO WHAT. I said I don't care about the money OR the stupid title to their truck, I want him to be honest with me. That he doesn't have to say "Can I...." but just "Hey, I am going to..." So he said "Ok.....then here's what I was thinking. She's got her truck out of hock now, and her husband has been offered a construction job but needs to get his truck running so he can get to work. He and his brother can fix it if we give them money to get used parts from a junkyard. Is that ok? It would be a loan". I said "Absolutely. Number 1, I don't think you should expect to get a penny back from this loan, that's my gut feeling. But number 2, I'd rather give money to a young guy to enable him to work and make a living for his 2 kids than for him to NOT have a job and need more help over and over, and that it made good sense, if he wants to help and now that he's already started. I thought that would be the end of it, and it was, until I saw that he'd called (but hadn't told me) and that she was calling him back. He says he was calling because it's been 3 weeks since we gave them the money and they hadn't said what happened with the car, and he wanted to know if the car was running and if the husband was working. It sounds innocent (besides me thinking he's getting played) EXCEPT for the very important fact that we haven't had secrets before, and I think no secret is a good secret when it comes to stuff like this.
But Jo, I believe you're right: he is bipolar, he's VERY depressed about not being "a man" (men are so stupid with that, but they really do think their manhood is their ability to do physical feats), he's been bummed because he can't join us on things we normally do (we're beach bums, play sports, ride bikes, go on trips, etc). I try to be cognizant of that, and we do a lot of that while he's at work so he's not left alone feeling deserted, but we also have a lives to live. He missed out on our trip to Disney World, and he wasn't able to join us on our trip to TX (which was technically business, but we had LOADS of fun while there), so he's depressed. He's being pushed harder and harder by a terrible manager that I actually wish bad things on because he's SO bad. He did break down and cry at work one day (noone was there, he was alone). So yes, a possible crisis, a mental breakdown, feeling worthless and depressed, all of that totally sounds like him.
I did NOT approach him about the passwords or anything, he's at work and I don't want to add stress to him (not because I'm a wuss but strategically thinking: his doing well at work insures that we do well financially at home...him breaking down at work puts us in danger, and IF IF IF I were to divorce, it puts child support in danger). But I did call and say "Would you be willing to go to marriage counseling with me?" and he said yes. I've made an appointment for the 17th for marriage counseling then, and double checked to make sure I'm still on the accounts and I am (just can't access at this moment online......I'll deal with that later). I will start putting more money into the account that just has my name and mom's name on it, but it is expressly used for our taxes and cash, so it wouldn't be stealing as much as putting more money into a cash account, until I can figure out what to do. My bff is a family law attorney in TX so she will look into someone good to talk to here locally for me, just in case. UPDATED: HE came to ME Thursday night (2 days after he changed the user names and passwords) and said "Hey, this is what I did. I was just really upset and made a stupid mistake, and will fix it all back to the normal words...I'm really sorry". So that was taken care of without me having to flip out on him.
In the meantime, bipolar (TRUE bipolar disorder) is not something that just magically gets good because you take a pill. It's a whole process to find what works.....and then the body changes and things have to be tweaked! There's a 5 year cycle that he's had his whole life. Last year, he said it'd been 6 1/2 years and he was happy. That makes it now 7 1/2 years. Anyone who thinks I'm stupid for taking his illness into consideration has never been very close to a person who has this terrible thing. Thanks for the opinions and advice; I've taken some to heart and will take steps to protect myself and also take steps to try and fight this, for our family.
Featured Answers
J.W.
answers from
St. Louis
on
Unless you are not on the accounts you should be able to change the passwords. Just do that and give him the new passwords. If you think it will set him off just tell him you must have forgot the passwords so you had them reset. :)
So far as the girl goes guys seem to do this when they feel they are worthless and unneeded. You don't actually have to project that they just get depressed and feel that way. Then someone like that chick comes along, I need you (money) and he has that, and he gives that, and he feels needed. He will never see she is using him.
It is like an addiction, he feels better for a while. You were trying to take his addiction away and he lashed out.
All things aside, he needs to deal with what is making him depressed. Right now he is self medicating. Sorry folks it isn't always alcohol or drugs. He needs to feel needed and giving her money and listening to her is giving him that.
Here is the problem with you needing him. You are married to him so he thinks you need him because you are stuck with him. That may have been why he pushed you away so vigorously. He needed you to need to come back.
He needs help!
Oh, after reading the answers, he probably isn't having an affair yet but this can lead to it. See like any addiction he will keep needing more to keep the feeling going. Eventually it does lead to an affair. I know, this is the pattern women used to get my ex to sleep with them. :(
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J.M.
answers from
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I'm torn I kinda think it could go either way. I think it could be that Jo's right and he J. needs to feel needed but I also think it's very likely he's having an affair. Hence his back and forth with emotions with you. I would think he;s hating you after he talks to her and then is thinking of leaving and thn gets scared and wants you not to leave and is nice again.
He's been lying he needs to decide if he wants to talk and work on things and be completely honest and win back trust.
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B..
answers from
Dallas
on
Do you seriously think he's not having an affair? I mean...if it walks like a duck. This is NOT about finances, dear. Don't be naive. Pull your head out of the sand. This is an affair. You're making excuses for him. Stop that.
I get that you trust him (actually, I don't get it), but nothing about this is innocent. People who aren't doing something wrong, don't need to hide. He's hiding, lying, and FREAKING OUT when he thought you were getting close to it. Perhaps, it's not an affair (but really, it probably is)...but something big is going on BEHIND your back.
You need marriage counseling, and he needs to start being HONEST. And you need to start being honest with yourself, about what he could possibly be doing...or what kind of character he really has.
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☆.A.
answers from
Pittsburgh
on
Personally, I think you've been justifying his childish and controlling behavior with convenient excuses for too long. It has been convenient to think that he makes you call from every exit due to the accident in the past & love. OR it could be because he wanted a leash on you--to know your every move.
I agree with the others who suggest an attorney.
I re-read your "lasagna" post from last August. Sounds like he's still a spoiled selfish brat. Sorry. :(
ETA: OK, so now that you're getting "affair" opinions from everyone, you're playing the "bipolar" card? Seriously, De Nile is a river in Egypt.
Bipolar is an entirely different topic. It can be treated. And managed. It is not an excuse for low character.
I suspect he has been getting away with this for so long because you will not see the possibility that he is NOT the man you think he is.
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L.F.
answers from
Chicago
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Wow, I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do NOT have a good marriage. I have a feeling that you probably never did. Your husband was just good at deceiving you.
Yes, your husband is acting like a jerk to you because he got caught, and he's still trying to make you feel like it is somehow your fault. And the money thing....he is probably planning on leaving. Please do what the others posted and take out half of the money from each account and put in into a new account in your name only. Do it TODAY. It might already be too late.
Do you have any credit cards in your name only? If you are a SAHM with no income, it is no longer possible to obtain an unsecured card due to new credit rules that were established last year. Just make sure you have a credit card and maintain your FICO score. You might need it soon.
Definitely get a good lawyer. I'm not saying that you have to divorce him. Who knows, maybe you can work things out. But you do need to know what your options are and have someone in your corner to protect your interests. (And the intererests of your children!)
It sounds like you have put up with way too much BS over the years. It's time to stand back and realize that none of it was acceptable. Maybe you can find a therapist that can help you see things with a clear mind and a level head. Good luck to you.
ETA: I just read your SWH. Sigh. I don't think you understand the seriousness of what is going on here. You're too worried about causing your husband stress to call him at work? You'll deal with the finances later? Do you always put your feelings and needs last? Why have you not even once mentioned the emotional health and well being of your children? It sounds like you are trying to once again bury your head in the sand and wait for things to go back to the way they were.
You really should use this opportunity to find your voice in this relationship. That marriage counseling probably won't happen after you are under your husband's thumb again. If you don't do anything to C. the dynamic in your marriage NOW, you will have only yourself to blame at your next wake up call.
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M.C.
answers from
Washington DC
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I agree that it sounds like he is having an affair. If I was you I would go to the bank and physically withdrawn money from the account. If he changed the passwords online, he wouldn't have locked you out in person, unless there was a real problem.
If I were you I would get some cash and set it aside. To me it sounds like you need to get your own financial issues in place for the next time he decides to have you not come home.
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J.B.
answers from
Boston
on
Affair, affair, affair.
Call a lawyer and start protecting yourself. He's already on offense. You need to be too.
Hopefully this will work out (we're 6+ years post-affair) but you need to get your bearings before he cleans you out and leaves you high and dry. He's not thinking clearly or being himself right now but you need to protect yourself right now.
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T.N.
answers from
Albany
on
I'm sorry A., I have to jump on the bandwagon, too.
In your SWH you managed to rationalize your way through every screaming red flag in your original post.
Your heart is too kind for your head.
You deserve better, even if you don't think so.
:)
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S.L.
answers from
New York
on
Ok maybe it's not a Physical Affair, just an emotional one. He's cutting you out of finances because HE's getting ready for a divorce. Put your children first, prepare for the worst (you can still HOPE for the best but Prepare for the worst if you love your children, do not trust him to have the kids best interest at heart. The typical dad does not know how much it costs to feed, clothe, pay for sports, or music or hobbies, class trips etc etc and most divorced men think the mothers of their children are just greedy when wanting child support, so do not pin your hopes on him being different if it comes to divorce.
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A.D.
answers from
Minneapolis
on
Wow, his secretly changing passwords on your joint finances would be alarming along with all that has gone on with you and your husband recently.
I would contact an attorney and get your finances secured immediately for your own protection. You need to be proactive. Your husband is unpredictable and he is hiding things from you.
His saying he doesn't want to be married to you and flipping out on your accessing his voice mail is his way of avoiding having to answer to the truth about this other woman on his voice mail.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you, but please take some steps to protect yourself. And yes, if my husband was filtering some money to "some girl" periodically that would be a deal breaker for me.
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C.O.
answers from
Washington DC
on
A.:
Sorry - to me? It sounds like he is having an affair. And it's been a long term affair. If you have the funds - hire a private investigator and find out all you can about this W. and her family. Have him/her follow your husband too.
About the passwords? If you are on the account - you have every right to call the bank and get a new one issued. If you are NOT on the account - sorry. He'll have to give it to you.
I wouldn't panic. I would tell my husband he has a few decisions to make and no one can make them for him but him. It's either me or this W.. Even if it is NOT an affair? The fact is he's hiding something. If he knew you'd be fine with helping someone out? there's no reason why he could NOT have called you and said "hey honey - Joan called and needs help with groceries. I would like to give her $500 for the month. What do you think about that?" - then you could've made up your mind and everything would have been fine, right?
The problem isn't this W.. it's your husband. he's hiding something. Sorry. No one just blows up about something like this...and you said this same W. has been a thorn for HOW MANY YEARS???
I mean - come on - Is she a long lost sister that he doesn't want to open up to you about to save face with his parents?
Is she his first love?
Did you know about her BEFORE you married him? I realize you haven't met her - but really. You've been married 7 years and this same person keeps cropping up in your marriage causing a fight. Why?
I don't know how many kids you have together. However, I would ask him this - is she worth losing ALL OF THIS over? Seriously - hire a PI. Get the information on this W.. Knowledge is power.
I would also make sure that I have access to money. So money that I still have access to? I would take out and open an account in my name only and if you work - get your paycheck deposited there until you can get this thing figured out.
I would also tell him that he needs to get his back fixed. When one is out of whack - it does mess with them - especially if they were vibrant (skiing, biking, active - you know?) before the incident that caused the disability. If it can't be fixed - fine. Work with what you got. If it can - go for it. That could be causing depression if he can't do what he normally used to do.
I don't get why you own a home in one state (is it being rented out) but rent in another? It would seem that you two are on top of your finances and could buy another home instead of rent. Oh well - I might have digressed. Just found that interesting.
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S.T.
answers from
Washington DC
on
i don't know if he's having an affair or not. but he's behaving very, very badly. the taunting is SO unpleasant. i know of all the things he's done, that's the least important in the big scheme of things, but what it says to me is 'immature jerk who gets power from hurting others.' even if it's not his usual MO, the fact that he went there during a stressful time does not speak well of his character at all.
the girl is an issue for sure. it's NOT an absolute that's he's sleeping with her. but he's certainly cheating with her in a pretty significant way if he's ducking your phone calls to take hers, giving her money on the sly, and flipping out on you over her.
changing the passwords to access your joint accounts is huge. the voicemail is one thing, your money is quite another.
i'm glad things are settling down, but you can't let this go. either there's full joint access and transparency, or there is no partnership.
i don't know my husband's work phone passwords because there's no need for me to and i have zero worries about him. all of our other passwords are written down for us to use in an emergency. i can't imagine denying him access or being denied to ANYTHING.
i'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
he is behaving very, very badly.
:( khairete
S.
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S.B.
answers from
Chicago
on
I know you don't want to hear this, but this does not sound good at all. All the signs are pointing in the direction that he has been having a long-standing affair with this girl. It is shocking and terrible that your joint finances have now been put in jeopardy. Please take all the necessary steps to protect yourself. Go into the bank and speak with the manager. If your name is on these accounts you will certainly be able to have access to them and you need to make sure you aren't locked out from your money. Set up another account in your name only, or just use the one you currently have.
My friend had a GREAT marraige, her husband was a wonderful father and she was so in love with him. She suspected nothing, totally trusted him with everything. Then one day she found out he had a girlfriend. They had been together for TWO YEARS, under her nose, and she never saw it coming. She went into the bank to get some money out of their savings (well, it was her savings, he had barely been able to contribute much) and found that where $40,000.00 should be, there was only about $40 left. He had spent all of their money, supporting this woman. Paying her rent, buying her furniture, and who knows what else. That was the last straw for her, and she left with the kids and the clothes on her back.
Please take the steps now to protect your money, so this can't happen to you!
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R.S.
answers from
San Antonio
on
Go to the bank and physically remove the money to another account in your name only.
You have to protect yourself and your kids!!
I have no idea what in the world is going on with him (I haven't read your previous posts)...maybe a midlife crisis...maybe an affair...maybe a mental breakdown...
BUT you have to move some things around and protect yourself...I am not telling you to clean out the accounts, but you do have to be practical and make sure your assets are safe from whatever he is doing.
Go to the bank today...right now and find out what is going on with the accounts...and move some money!!!
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E.T.
answers from
Albuquerque
on
Oh honey, there's no good way for any of us to say it. He's having an affair.
It may not be a physical one, but it's certainly emotional. Either way - he's cheating on you, and obviously not treating you with love, respect and trust. No matter how awesome your marriage was before, it is different now. No man changes the passwords to bank accounts without knowing the consequences. I agree with a few of the previous posters - spend the next two days taking stock of your finances. See if you can get the passwords changed back so you can access things. Open up your own account and transfer over half of the money so that you have money if you need it. Call your 401K place and ask that neither one of you be allowed to remove money for the next 30 or 60 days (hopefully you're listed as a co-owner on the 401K even if it's just in his name??). Make sure he can not clean you out, because if you're still married, it's legal.
Then confront him and ask what in heck is going on. If he gets mad, tells you you're over reacting, or refuses to discuss it, stay strong. Insist on trying to fix this... or tell him it's time to separate.
And whatever you do, don't move out!!! Keep your children with you even if you go to your other house. If it comes to divorce, he can make a case that you've abandoned your kids if you leave them with him while you go cool down elsewhere.
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J.S.
answers from
Hartford
on
If I take your post at face value and look at all of the red flags, I would say that he's been cheating for a while with That Girl and she's where all the money goes. He's not giving it to her or her family out of the goodness of his heart.
He's sneaking around, not "staying late at work."
His loving behavior doesn't mean he hasn't been cheating; cheaters and liars can still behave like loving husbands. Except he's also treating you like trash for no real reason.
He told you already that he wants a divorce, and although he apologized I would make plans for you and the children to set yourself up for a separation and divorce. Move money into your own account, get a lawyer, but don't move out. I would have him move out. If he's already talked to a lawyer, he's probably been advised to have YOU move out, so I wouldn't do it. You need to move forward as if he has a lawyer already, okay? That's why you MUST get a lawyer now, and don't rise to the bait when he insults you and tries to start fights. I would avoid him, frankly. Document what you can, though, including printing out what you wrote here and dating it.
I'm really sorry that this is happening.
EDIT: Honey, even people with BiPolar Disorder cheat. Even people with physical difficulties cheat. If your husband is in a down cycle, that makes him MORE LIKELY to cheat. But chances are really high that he met her during a down cycle and she makes him feel good and they're continuing the affair. She could also be BiPolar, who knows? She could be "the fun" person with whom he doesn't have any real responsibilities to, no real commitment except for what he chooses.
You know the red flags or you wouldn't have shared them. Why are you now insistent on making excuses for him? BiPolar doesn't cause people to cheat, and it's not an excuse even if he's not complying with his treatment. What you need to consider is the sort of example you're modeling for your children in what marriage looks like and how partners treat each other. They'll treat their spouses the same way he's treating you or they'll look for spouses that will treat them the same way. And if they're BiPolar? It'll be that much worse.
Get him out, get him treatment, get marriage counseling, and stop making excuses for him.
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T.M.
answers from
Redding
on
Well, he's got to be waiting for you to confront him about the password changes?
I'd go to the bank and withdraw some money and open a new account if I were you.
He's showing really strong signs of cheating or thinking seriously about doing so, he's under major stress because he knows he is about to screw up his whole world.
Have someone watch your kids and then confront him while they arent home. Demand answers. Let him know you arent going to put up this type of thing, be prepared to go stay somewhere else for a week or so to see if the absence will help you both sort it out, fix it and move on, or sort it out, decide it not fixable and split up for good.
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A.L.
answers from
Charleston
on
Find a lawyer now, open your own bank account, and kick his butt to the curb. No reason you have to leave your home when you have not done anything wrong. Sorry, but he's cheating on you and baiting you to make a bad move so he can blame everything on you. Get some good, sound advice quickly. Good luck.
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F.M.
answers from
Lincoln
on
WOW! Um, well sounds to me like he is having an affair (sorry to say that) but to have constant communication with a girl you have never met... uh, NO THAT IS NOT OK! He does sound to me a little bit controlling. I understand the need to check up on you when you travel due to the fact that you had an accident before, but my mind would be telling me that he wants to know exactly where you are at because maybe he is with this girl and needs to know how much time he would have before his wife gets home.... know what i mean? Why do you have his PW to his voicemail on his phone? I dont know if i agree with that or not.. i mean you have to do what you feel is best but i would think that is a bit over the top. Just bc you are married doesnt mean you should be allowed access to his VM or vise versa. We need a little bit of privacy, right? That is where trust would come in. I wouldnt want my DH checking my VM not because i am cheating, but that is my personal phone and i would feel violated. I can totally understand the joint checking accounts and all... hum.. i guess some ppl just do it differently. Boy his attitude SUCKS! He is hiding something and kind of sounds like he maybe acting this way bc he wants out of the marriage but doenst know how to tell you. I would look into an attorney too. This isnt right! good luck!
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M.L.
answers from
Chicago
on
I am so sorry A.. I think Bug and Dawn have said basically what I wanted to say. When you are in a situation it's hard to get perspective and, while it's hard to hear, I think what you've been told so far needs to be seriously considered..........best of luck and strength to you in this time.
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G.H.
answers from
Chicago
on
Things just don't add up. People just don't throw money at strangers. Are you sure they are not supplying him with something? I would make myself very involved in this relationship he has with these people, to the point of hiring a PI.
