Fighting Siblings - Whiteland,IN

I've got no real advice. Sorry, when my brother and i would fight my mom would make us stand in the corner of the living room hugging each other LOL.
My girls 23 months apart would fight and I'd yell "KNOCK IT OFFFF!!"
I'm not a yeller so that was enough. still to this day they are 13 and 15 now that phrase still works. (I HATE to yell)

For my boys the key was to make sure that they had enough time apart from one another. One went to nursery school while the other stayed home. They go on separate playdates. They are enrolled in different activities. Sometimes one would go for an outing with me and the other would go for an outing with dad. Even at home one might play upstairs and the other downstairs. I also allow them to bring their own friends along on outings, so they are not forced to hang out with each other all of the time. They spend enough time apart from one another, that when they do spend time together they enjoy each others company and get along.

When you have kids close in age, it's easy to treat them alike and expect them to be constant playmates. My suggestion would be more time apart. Set one up doing one thing and the other playing with something else. Allow them their own space and teach them to repect each others' need for space, and for their individual possessions. Also, be sure that each girl gets some alone time with mom (and dad, if you have a partner). Teach them to use their words to say that they'd like to play alone or to walk away rather than hitting.

I second the suggestion of 'Siblings without Rivalry'... Faber and Mazlish wrote the book on interpersonal communication with "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen" and many of the families I worked for as a nanny used Sibs without Rivalry as well.

I liked Canuck's excellent suggestion of making sure the kids get some time apart. Be sure to give them good language/coaching on respecting each others space and possessions, and see if you can't arrange to split them up at least once a weekend between yourself and your significant other, doing a short 'something fun'. That time individually means something to each of them. My sister has three boys and at one point, each day, she has them each on a different floor of the house. (Second story, ground floor, basement.) She says that has helped a lot.

Make sure, too, that they have a quiet time each day so they get a break from each other and YOU get a break too.

Your kids may be a little young for this, but it's never to soon to polish your mommy strokes: I've heard fantastic things about the book Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. I haven't needed to use it myself, but a few moms who have very good family dynamics swear by it.

My kids are close in age, but not that close. I find time apart and immediate separation helpful. They hate to be apart, so forcing them to play in different rooms after an incident actually helps them to try to behave.

Also, make sure you make every incident a teaching moment. Try to figure out what is causing the behavior (2 year old not listening to 3 year old, 3 year old grabbing toys, etc.) and then give them the words to handle it differently next time. You need to play with them most of hte time, so you can teach them how to get what they want without fighting. In short, you need to teach team work and sharing.

immediate separation for hitting. and simple, frowny-faced reinforcement. 'hands are not for hitting!'
and encourage them to play independently, like in the same room but with different toys, doing different things.
they're pretty young for teamwork and sharing. you can introduce opportunities to learn about them, of course, but don't expect too much. your girls are very small.
khairete
S.

My kids are 21 months apart. At that age 2/3 they need constant supervision and intervention. You're not going to be able to leave them alone together for a little while yet, and you can't force them to get along.

It should get better when they are older and go to school, because they will have more control as well as time apart on a regular basis They may become buddies, or they may never get along. My sister and I didn't like each other at all until we were both adults, but my sister and brother got along great like best friends.

My boys are now 4 and 5 and it's SO much better now than when they were 2 and 3. At 2 and 3 and 3 and 4 there was a lot of fighting, the younger one was always "wrecking" what the older one was doing. They now play together and really do seem like best friends, the fighting is minimal now because they really like being together. So hopefully you'll see their relationship improve as they get a little older and understand the actual concept of sharing.

There's a difference between being best friends and being acceptable companions. Don't require them to be be sties - but do stop permitting them to hit. Let them know hitting is not acceptable, ever, to anyone. Separate them immediately and deprive them of your company and each other's. Very limited explanation, no long discussion - just "we do not hit." Then off they go immediately into their separate rooms or any other separation - but not with a whole lot of toys and diversions. They have to get zero pay-off for hitting - and that includes your attention. Even fussing over them to explain why hitting is wrong is a form of reward.

They won't agree with or like a lot of other children in their classroom or neighborhood or family (cousins, etc.) - that doesn't mean they can hit each other. So, since it sounds like the hitting is what's driving you crazy, that's where you draw a line in the sand. Same with the old saying of "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." There's reason to be decent even if one cannot be kind or effusive in affection.

Little kids obviously lack the vocabulary to say what they feel - they may not understand their feelings, or they may not know how to express them. But lashing out is not okay - and one of these days, one of them is going to whack some bigger kid and then really get it back in spades. Not that saying that will help - they cannot anticipate at this age (and probably not for years to come). But they CAN learn that you do not permit hitting, and that one can always walk away. As they develop vocabulary, you can help them express disagreement in a way that doesn't hurt someone physically and, in time, that doesn't hurt emotionally either. For now, try to help them express simple emotions in one or two simple sentences on your way to separating them. You cannot spend the rest of their youth protecting them from the other, so you have to let them know there is absolutely no benefit to hitting, and plenty of detriment.

For us, it was easiest to choose one or two things that were firm rules - hitting and head butting where non-negotiable. When my son head butted us (or anyone), he was removed from the situation immediately, no matter how inconvenient it was for us. I left the store with half a grocery cart (with apologies to the staff) and took him to the car and put him in the car seat. If I thought I could get him under control, I told the grocery clerk to leave the cart and I would be back in 10 minutes after I dealt with him. Then I put him in the car seat and did not speak to him or listen to him whine. If we were at someone's home, we left there and went home, even if we'd only been there a short time. If we were watching a family movie, I just missed the end of it. Oh well. It took a few weeks but the behavior never came back. He knew exactly what to expect, and he didn't like it.

It won't work the first time you do it, and there will be plenty of crying or arguing or perhaps more hitting (directed at you). Figure out what your response will be, and be absolutely consistent.

Good luck - try not to get upset with them, just be business-like and firm.

Please google "Toddler Rules".

Of course your kiddos aren't toddlers anymore but pre-school age. They still can revert back to some of the toddler rules though. Especially when they're tired, tired of being together, wanting to play by themselves, or just annoyed at the other one.

I'd have them play away from each other as much as possible. Then they'll have time to miss each other and want to play right.

Updated

Please google "Toddler Rules".

Of course your kiddos aren't toddlers anymore but pre-school age. They still can revert back to some of the toddler rules though. Especially when they're tired, tired of being together, wanting to play by themselves, or just annoyed at the other one.

I'd have them play away from each other as much as possible. Then they'll have time to miss each other and want to play right.

My sister and I are three years apart. When we would argue, my mom would tell us to take it outside, because she was not going to be subjected to listening to it. If we came to blows, we were sent to separate rooms, behind closed doors, and told that we were not allowed to see, speak to, or even think about one another until we were released. Of course, all we DID think about was each other. By the time she let us be together again, we were both ready to cooperate.

Just some thoughts:
not all siblings like each other. But they are family. If you want them to learn team work and sharing, then teach them that. In light of their ages.

- Sometimes, there is always an instigator, who triggers the fights or irritations upon the other. So find out which kid is, triggering it. ie: with me it was my sibling. Why? She just liked to irk me and get me in trouble and she would deny, that she provoked, it. It was frustrating.

- Teach your kids the word "compromise." When my daughter was 2 years old, that is the first "big" word I taught her. She LOVED that I taught her that, a "big" word. And she understood. And she carried it out.

- Teach your kids about taking turns.

- Let them have their own time to themselves. Everyone needs that. Even adults.

- NOT everything, HAS TO BE, "shared." Teach them that. With my kids, I tell them that if they do not want to share something or it is special to them, then they CAN say so. In a polite manner. That alleviates a lot of "stress" on the kid who is "expected" to share.

- Teach your kids, that everyone has limits. AND teach your kids, HOW to say that. I taught my kids that when they were young. ie: if one kid has had enough of whatever, then they CAN say so. ie: "I don't want to, please stop." "I want to do something else now." "Can you please be quiet, it is too noisy for me." "I am tired, I want to just be by myself." AND the person that is being told that... NEEDS to heed to that. So, if a person tells the other to please stop, then that means, you need to stop. The person is SAYING their "limits" to things at that moment. If the other does not respect that and listen to that, then THAT is when fights or frustrations, occurs. And it can be avoided.
Nothing is more irritating, than when a person says to 'please stop' and the other doesn't listen and just KEEPS doing that irking thing to them. So teach your kids, about "cues" of the other and that they CAN say and express, their "limits." And then that is a BIG hint, that the kid has had enough. Their patience and tolerance, has run out.