My 2 and 3 year old always seem to "fight" - push, argue, whine when together. I am looking for ways to encourage better behavior and discourage the bad... some days it seems constant. What do you all do?
I find when my kids get that way that they need some attention and some physical activity to get all that energy out. I stop what I'm doing and we go outside or I sit on the floor and play with them.. Fly them in the air with my feet or run around a bit just anything that gets them focus and physical. Almost always works. Hth S.
they are a little young for much intervention beyond distraction and refereeing on your part, but you can start laying the foundation for using a gentle voice, taking turns, using words instead of fists, etc. Stay calm, interrupt and model what you want them to do instead. Realize that they are still learning so much, and every time you can say "what is it you want, use these words, say this" you'll be teaching them how for next time. And all the fights and make-ups that they have with each other will make them better in other social situations too.
sometimes i make them clean up toys every time they fight. just a small clean up, not all the toys. mine would rather stop fighting than have me interrupt playtime with cleaning. but only at times when their fighting isn't partially because of hunger or sleepiness. sometimes their punishment is to help me with a chore and then they get totally distracted from the issue they were fighting over and enjoy themselves helping me. it's better than chasing down two at the same time to train them to sit in time outs at least.
A few young families I know have use the book Siblings Without Rivalry with happy results. Not perfect, of course, but hugely improved. I love another book by the same authors, Faber and Mazlish, called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The methods make for good emotional connections, resulting in happy, cooperative and (mostly) obedient children.
How much time do they spend together a day? It may be that they're just tired of each other. Give them some time apart.
For the 3 year old, arrange a play date.
my mom used to make us sit on the couch and hold hands if we were fighting too much.
They need some character training. (don't we all?) We reinforce the loving attitudes towards siblings. We do not tollerate fighting among siblings. We discipline for pushing, arguing, whining, hitting, etc. Then, we make our children apologize to each other. And, we make the one being apologized to tell the other, "I forgive you." And, we make them hug. We praise them for this right behavior, and then we go on like nothing happened. (Forgive and forget.) I do not recommend that you spend much time with children outside of your family until their relationship issues are resolved (for the most part anyway). A third party can serve to exasperate the situation and cause loyatly divides between siblings. They do not need someone their same exact age as a playmate. They need to learn to love the playmate right there with them first. You have to work really hard to build their relationship as it will be one of the most important ones in their whole lives! Build it now and it will prove to be critical in their development later with others. It will teach them to think of others first (that is something huge to work on with kids!). It will help them learn diplomacy. It will help them to be content with whatever circumstance they find themselves in later. What a great and awesome position you are in as their mother to work on these things with and for them. Blessings!
Bill Cosby once said (well, in a standup so probably lots of times) that you're not really a parent till you have 2 - until then you don't deal with the "stop touching me" and "mine!" and "mommy, he...." *grin* It's kinda part of the whole parenting deal, especially when they're so close in age. My point here is that it is completely normal.
My stragegy at 2 and 3 was to prevent and separate. The consequences are still a bit fuzzy, especially for the 2 year old. He my be able to say he is in timeout for pushing, whatever, but it is hard for kids this age to see ahead and think "I was in time out last time I did this, I shouldn't do it so that I don't get timeout again". Try to have enough toys for them to share (very popular ones may need duplicates), and sometimes playing separately, in different areas or even different rooms, is necessary. When they do fight, its best to separate them and remove the item in contention (if there was one) from both. Just say something like "I can see you need to be away from each other for now." The big thing is to stay calm and do your best to be fair (I've seen some kids who "fight" just to get mom upset, and some who are very sneaky about getting their sibling in trouble). When they do play nicely, make a comment like "I'm happy to see you playing together, it looks like you're having fun." But don't make a HUGE deal, either - if it feels too over-the-top, they won't believe you.
And give it time. Siblings are always going to have some points of not getting along. But as they get older the relationship changes and things can be very different. My boys (7 and 9) are best friends most of the time, but can fight like nothing else at others (down to hitting!) And my brother and I were constant rivals as kids but now we're best friends as adults. As your kids get older, their relationship will adjust, and you can teach them more about being kind to siblings.
