Feeling Very Overwhelmed...Delayed Post Partum Depression?

I got extremely overwhelmed just reading your post! I think that you will find the answers as to why you are so stressed just by reading through your post yourself. Women these days are expected to do so much more than our mothers and grandmothers. Most often, women stayed in the home and took care of the household and children. Seldom did they work out of the house on top of everything else. Unfortunately, because of our economy both the mom and dad HAVE to work..it isn't an option. If you can't scale back then you must find a balance and your personal boundaries!!! You are about 5 months pregnant..and that alone is enough to keep you exhausted. On top of that you have another child who I am sure keeps you tired even if it is only a few hours a day that you see her..then the housework and your job...It sounds to me as if something has to give and soon or it will be you that blows!
As wondeful as I am sure your hubby is, especially taking on 3 jobs and 'stepping up to the plate' he has the luxury of dealing only with outside distractions. Men are different creatures than us and always will be. They will NEVER fully understand us and what it is like to be pregnant and tired. If he's done with listening to you about that then perhaps have your OB-GYN step in and explain a few things to him. Men seem to respond better to the professionals rather than us! Take him to your next appointment.
You need to tell yourself that you are going through what so many other women face..you are not the minority. It is OK to say and feel that you cna't do it all and that you are blue and stressed. Find yourself an online women's group that are in the same boat as you. It will help for you to vent to those that truly understand and you are likely to find some stress relievers from others. It will help you tremendously to know that there are others like you and learn some small tidbits from them on things they do to cope. You also have to realize that your body is completely out of whack right now..your hormones..your vitamins..maybe some deficient areas...all normal.
One thing I did learn from a counselor once was to view the issues at hand as just one slice of a whole pie. Your life is the pie and your immediate problems are just one small slice of it...compartmentalize these feelings a bit more..and above all else keep telling yourself that it is OK to feel the way you do.It is OK to not be able to do it all. And it is OK to fail at times for this is how we learn to succeed! My very best of luck to you and yours..but I really don't think you need it as your life seems as normal as everyone else's!

Be good to yourself. You are dealing with an inordinate amount of stress, and we live in a society that doesn't innately support women working and being moms.Yes, the hormones of pregnancy can make things crazy, but here is what I've learned from trying to be a medical student (working 60+ hrs a week and then coming home to a few mos old newborn); Even though it FEELS like you need to spend as much time as you can with your kids, if you don't take the time for yourself to just collect your head and relax--you're fried for them and energetically fried for you. TAKE THE TIME--even if it's a 15 minute break outside alone next to a tree. Breathing is also very important--even if that extra few minutes to do so is in the bathroom. Good luck!

Wow, you have every reason to feel the way you do! I am 22 weeks pregnant and don't have any other kids, my job is not overly demanding and 15 minutes from my house. Now I feel VERY guilty for complaining and feeling depressed when I think it is hard for me... Just being pregnant alone sometimes makes me feel physically and mentally exhausted, I can't imagine having a 14 month old and a commute like yours on top of it. Honestly, I don't think this is a situation where you can 'learn to deal with it', it is simply too much (mom, wife, full time employee, pregnant). If a male was expected to fill all those roles all at once, I am pretty sure he would not be able to handle it! Is there anything that has some give for you? Like your work schedule, does it have to be 40+ hours, or would you be able to afford to do 35? It would already make a difference. Do you get any break on weekends? I try not to load weekends with any activities (maybe some catching up on laundry) but find time to really do nothing, go to a park together or some place in nature. I found what really helps me is to be away from the city on weekends and in more of a natural setting (local state parks), brings back sanity and is very soothing. Sorry I can't help much, but that's my advice! All the best to you and your family.

I so understand and have been there. being pregnant just complicates it because you have all the hormones to deal with too! The hardest thing in the world to admit is that you can't do everything. I started digging myself out of the hole by designating a day for certain tasks. Like Laundry is Thurs and Sun and I only let myself do laundry on those days. Tell your husband, if you want to have some time with me, then I can't do...... tonight. I doubt he'll mind, he might even offer to help. Despite how much you may think so, there are things in the house that can wait, like running the vacuum, even if there are a few fuzzies on the floor. Look at it this way, if you work yourself into mental and physical exhaustion before the new baby comes, you really will be overwhelmed.
Counseling is a really good idea. Check with your health insurance, because I go and my health insurance pays for it. Many plans now have coverage for mental health. You can also check to see if your employer has an EAP plan that may provide you with some sessions for free. You probably do have options. Don't give up. Women are strong creatures, maybe too strong. You have to take care of you and the baby you carry in order to take care of your daughter and your husband. That isn't selfish, it's fact!

I can't even imagine how it is possible to get the housework done when you are working full time, a mom, pregnant, and trying to keep up a relationship with your husband. Do you have family nearby who could commit to helping out with the 14 month old and assisting with dinner preparation one night a week? I imagine even being able to look forward to one night per week when you can just relax would be helpful. I know money is short these days, but is it a possibility to try out a once a week cleaning service- to take some of the stress off of your plate? You simply can't do it all on your own.

Hi J.,

First of all, you have to show this letter to your husband. He needs to know just how overwhelmed and desperate you are becoming. Secondly, you need to let go of some of your preconceived notion that everyone else is coping better than you. It's not true. The feelings you are experiencing are very common. Our ability to cope with them varies secondary to our previous experiences and the resources we have available to us.

First, let go of expectations. Second, get professional help. You say you cannot afford it, but truthfully, you can not afford not to. You can and will get better, but sucking it up is not the way to go. Things will only get worse. Your body and mind are telling you something. Trust me, listen to them, these feelings will not go away until you address the issues which are causing them.

Find out what mental health services your insurance covers. Most insurance cards have a specific number right on the card for mental health issues. Also, find our if your employer has an employee assistance program. Many do and they are a great place to start. They are aware of all of the resources available in the area and they can refer you as needed. Don't worry about confidentiality. These programs are held to higher confidentiality rules then most mental health care providers. If these options are unavailable look up mental health services online or in the yellow pages. Most communities have hotlines and free care programs. If you become extremely desperate go to your local emergency room. They are accustomed to these crises and have psych clincians on call 24 hours a day.

You need some coaching (and, perhaps, at this point, some medication)to help you grow into an individual who is proactive, not reactive. As women we are taught to put our own needs last. To not complain and to be able to do it all. Well, surprise, you are human. Professional counseling will help you to grow into the strong women you want to be. One who's only barometer of success is the one she measures herself against, not one who compares herself to others. Believe me they are not doing it all with ease either.

Hopefully, if you show you husband your letter, (and I am sure you shed a few tears writing it) he will begin to see the depth of your stress and be supportive. Either way you need to take care of yourself.

Please do not continue to suffer this way. Your will not likely be able to reason or will yourself out of this. Take your first step to being proactive and seek out help; for your sake and your families. God Bless You.

J. L.

J.,

It sounds like you are at the end of your ropes. I feel for you, because I have been there too. It is soo hard to juggle lifes demands for a woman...especially if you also have to work outside the home. I am lucky that I am home during the day (althought it brings it's own challenges let me tell you!). I would consider seeing a counselor ASAP!! Look into your insurance and see if you can go with paying just a copay. I just started recently and get 10 sessions for $10 each session...not bad. Also, is there any way to cut down on your hours? Maybe work 3 days a week or better yet work shorter days. You need help!! Do you belong to any social mom's group? I am a member of themotherconnection.org where I get a ton of support from other moms. It is a volunteer organization that sponsors events, puts out an amazing newsletter and gives workshops for parents.

I am also a member of the YMCA in Andover (the Haverhill one does not have a large enough pool for me) and they provide free daycare for up to two hours a day with a family membership. This is truly my sanity!!

Do you have friends or family nearby that can take your daughter for a few hours so that you can get some rest? Don't be afraid to ask for help! It is very important. You also need to make it clear to your husband how dire you are feeling. Maybe even show him your post here.

I know you don't know me from anyone...but I also live in Haverhill...so if there is anything that I can personally do for you please do not hesitate to shoot me a personal e-mail.

Happy to help,

H. Z. (SAHM to 5, almost 4, and 14 1/2 month old boys)

Hi J., I can emphasize, with a 14 month and working full time too, how hard it is to get it all done & still feel like a normal person. It's actually impossible I think, and can't imagine being pregnant on top of it! I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself and trying to do too much - without maybe the help & understanding of your husband? Do you have any friends or family that might be willing to give you a hand once in a while? A friend of mine and I are going to swap a little babysitting so we can get out of the house once in a while. Maybe give yourself permission on certain nights to not do anything but hang out with your hubby? Good luck and happy slacking...!