Going Crazy Being a Stay-at-home Mom-is This Normal?

Hi S. - You will hear it probably from every mom on this board. You are not alone.
When I had my second son my first was 3 years old. I remember sitting up at night with my husband SOBBING (the ugly cry) that I was a terrible mother, wife, and I hated evey minute of it. I didn't have time to myself, I yelled at my older son (I never lost it with him until I had a second child), I couldn't stand my husband coming in at the end of the day like everything was okee dokee when I had boogers on my thigh, poopy diapers in my hand, and two kids squeeling about how happy they were to see daddy!
I finally figured out what it was when my son was about 5 months old. I needed a schedule. Nap schedule, play, friends, places to go, a load of wash a day (in the morning throw the wash in, at nap time put it in the dryer, when kids are in bed, fold). With my older son we had a rythm ( I totally spelled that wrong) and when I added another to the mix I had to change my beat! My sons are now 2 and 5 and things are great, although I am often tired (alhtough that could be because I am also a full time nanny outside of the home, and I bring my children with me!).
You will get it. talk to your hubby, take time out for you, ENJOY time out by yourself (don't think about what you have to do or who is waiting for you....relax). It WILL get better.
Good Luck to you, L.

Oh boy, I am so sorry you are feeling this way! Obviously you are not alone. The first thing is, I agree with the advice already given, so I won't waste your time repeting it all. I will say, for me, activities for the kids helped their behavior, and helped me socialize with adults, schedules helped, and friends coming for play dates with their kids. I don't know a stay at home mom, or work at home mom, that doesn't feel the same way you do. Now, since you know all of that, I would also like to say, if you are feeling depressed, and totally not yourself, have you ever considered post-partum depression? I don't know if it fits, you, it could just be the lack of working, but you did say you were on maternity leave. Just wanted to throw that out there, because sometimes it can be hard to recognize. A lot of women do have it after having kids, and some take anti depression medicine, or anti anxiety medicine, and that really helps. But, you know yourself best, I may have just been reading too much into what you were saying. All parents feel that way, stay at home moms, feel that way frequently. Good luck, if you need to chat, just let me know. I work from home and have 4 kids of my own, the youngest being 8 months old, the oldest 8 years old.

My first year home I missed uninterrupted adult conversation, eating lunch in peace, going on errands without having to put in and take out a kid from a carseat and cart, and the paycheck with my name on it that also meant lots of discretionary spending. The second year got better and then the third and then the fourth and then the fifth and now the sixth and I can honestly say that nothing would make me go back to a job with regular office hours. The pay would be nice, but the stress would not be worth it.

How I coped the first year: I went to the gym everyday and took advantage of the 2 hours of childcare. Bally's has a great and affordable kids care. This gave me time to interact with adults and get in a work out. I also joined a marathon training group so every Saturday morning I left my son with my husband and was free for a couple of hours. Again, I met people and did something I enjoyed.

Now I have two kids and one is in school. I am really cherishing the time with my youngest and am in no hurry to get her in preschool like I was her brother. I just ran my 12th marathon which included an overnight trip with a girlfriend where we could be kid free. It was great. I also have a great gig at a store where I work one day a month...I call it my paid vacation. My husband handles the kids and I get to hang out and talk to adults in a fun environment that provides a little mad money.

I don't particularly like housework, but when you look at it as a job and you stay task oriented, it is done in no time and you are free to play, read or run. I also feel much more at ease when the things around me are clean. But I'm not a total clean freak. On a nice day I tend to play outside with the kids and leave the mess for later.

My pastor is always encouraging us all to have a servants heart. And he says that you know how well you are at being a servant when people treat you like one! That doesn't sound too appealing and yet if you really consider it, serving your family is a outward way of showing them your love. Your kids will remember all the times you were there for them...and the times you weren't. I remember my mom always being there, but I also remember when she went to work part time and she wasn't there one day when I really needed her.

When my daughter is in school I plan on working 9 to 2...so I am there when they leave and when they come home. This job will not come home with me...no stress and no phone calls. It will be great...but scary cause then I'll actually have a set routine where people will expect me to be places. I never thought I'd be worried about that.

So staying at home is a choice. Your kids need you, not childcare. But they also need you at your best...so they feel you want to be with them. I know it is hard...especially with sleep deprivation. I don't do it right everyday. On bad days I threaten to get a job! I hear moms say they are better moms when they work. I would just ask, are their kids better kids?

Boy, soooo familiar... all those things you were saying. When my kids were all 3 in diapers and my hubby was working shift work, I remember feeling alot of what you mentioned. I kept busy, attended a MOMS group at a local church EVERY wed morning. I did a Friday morning bible study with childcare provided. AND I talked to my husband. REALLY communicate with him and let him know how overwhelming it is for you. It took a while but he finally got it and eventually it became much easier for me to have ME time. Now that my youngest is 4, I don't hesitate to have a somewhat ME time at any random point during a week. Whether it is a walk in the evening with a girlfriend/neighbor or dinner out with a girlfriend, or date night with my husband. That last one has proven to be very beneficial for both of us. We forgot how much we didn't talk to one another about just 'stuff'. We trade a neighboring family for before school care of her 1st grader for 2 date nights a month. Awesome! Professional help? If you think it will help, go for it! Hormonally, I still don't feel 'normal' and it really stinks. I still snap at the kids and hubby at random times and recently began taking a low dose progesterone pill to spread out my cycles but after 2 cycles, I feel really crazy and not sure I wanna make it for the long haul on this one. I would rather feel outa whack occassionally than all the time. Good luck!

Like everyone else is saying, you're not alone! I've been afraid to leave my house with both kids (ages 3 and 5 months) because my three year old runs and acts like a wild woman! Things are getting better the older she gets, plus we had the stranger talk with her. And having the baby has made her want to be a "big girl" with the potty, chores, etc..

I work one day a week at the job I've had for 8 years, it is a nice escape, just enough time to miss them! I work on one of my husband's two days off, so we have family time one day then the girls get daddy time one day. I get a massage once a month on my lunch from work. I take one with me every time I leave the house (grocery store, drugstore, etc) for one on one time. And I spend one night a month away from home at a movie, dinner, pedicure with a girlfriend or two.

There a days where all of us feel overwhelmed and crazy, I spent most of mother's day crying and wishing I could be on vacation all by myself! :)

S., I tried to be a sahm once....only once! I just don't have the mentality to handle the house and kids alone, and still have energy! I lost all my energy and my house fell apart. Even my hubby told me to go back to work!

You may look into what I do now. I work full-time as a nurse right now, but I'm working on building my own business with Arbonne. My cousin did because she missed seeing her 6 kids, his, hers and theirs. Now she makes 3 times what she made as a Realtor and never misses a game/show/party. I'm so jealous of her but with her training and support I will soon be doing the same...she gets out of the house 2 nights a week for a couple of hours and does her presentations, the rest of the time, she is at home and running errands for her children. She loves it! It's better than working a part time job because with that you have to work at least 24 hours a week...we only works 4! You can check out more at my website www.J..myarbonne.com or give me a call ###-###-####. We could meet at McDonalds and let the kiddos run around! Best of luck and keep visiting Curves, it's a great place to visit with other adults!

I think lack of sleep, your hormones still being out of whack, and other factors are playing a big role in your feelings. Unless YOU think you'd benefit from professional help, I don't think what you've described is unusual.

I was feeling pretty much the same after my twins were born and my oldest was nearly three. I'm a lawyer but, like you, was bound and determined to raise my own children rather than dump them in daycare. We'd also moved to a new city three weeks before the twins were born so we had no family and no friends anywhere close by. I was lonely. I was envious of my friends and former co-workers who were continuing to work on such interesting cases. It was really tough.

I took out an ad in the local paper so I could schedule playdates and meet other moms. I found out about a wonderful cooperative preschool and my oldest and I really got involved with this. I joined the YMCA - and would leave my twins in the playroom while I took my oldest into the swimming pool. (We also enrolled in swimming lessons, etc.) I also joined the board of directors of my home owners association. I found a volunteer position through a service that offers free legal assistance for people who can't afford to hire a lawyer. AND I got involved in a few other things. I actually got TOO busy and had to trim some activities down.

I also talked to my husband about how overwhelmed and unhappy I was feeling and I let him know exactly what I needed from him. (My hubby has always told me that he's a "knuckle dragging neanderthal" and needs a road map. He's NOT a neanderthal, but I have found that if I tell him specifically what I need for him he'll move Heaven and Earth for me . . . but he just doesn't pick up on anything subtle!)

I told him that I needed him to listen to me vent when I needed it; to load and unload the dishwasher when IT needed it; to put his dirty laundry in the hamper and help me put the clean laundry away; and to periodically watch the kids while I went out to a restaurant by myself with a book/take a solo bath with a book when I REALLY needed to regain some sanity. THIS more than anything else was the key to regaining my sanity. It was so great to have my husband's support and understanding.

The first six months after the twins were born were the toughest, things were still a little rough over the next six months but once the twins were a year old things got steadily better. They will be two this summer and I couldn't be happier.

Hang in there, S.! It WILL get better and if you think it would be helpful for you to have someone to talk to (especially if your hubby isn't all that great of a listener, etc.) then you should darn sure do that for yourself! Sometimes all it takes is to talk to someone who is a good listener - and a therapist would definitely fit that bill.

I recommend finding a female friend that you can spend a lot of daytime hours with. I am a stay at home mom and I have a friend that comes over everyday for several hours. We help each other cook, clean, get our hair done so we can leave the house, etc. We plan an outside activity on most days (weather permitting) to get the energy out of our kids. Raising your own children is the most important job in the world.

not uncommon - and difficult, I know - I first stayed home after my second chiold was born and my first had just turned 3.

A few things...

>> that year I joined a moms club and went to events with them. Makes it easier to go out and do things if you have back up moms around to catch your sprinting toddler.

>> I discovered at about 3 months post partum that I needed prescription assistance for a few months due to milkd post partum hormaonal nerves/anxiety/depression. For me, it takes 9m- a year to get out of the hormaonal roller coaster your body endures after giving birth - I ended up taking Cylexa (sp?) for 5 months and then weaned off of it. (I subsequently took it for the 2-6 months post partum after my other 2 children.

>> Staying home is a wonderful opportunity and you have to look at it as a job. You have to set up routines and tasks to accomplish, otherwise it is very easy to become a lump on thwe counch watching soaps. AND it is NOT for everyone. I ended up going back to work part time because I am a better mom when I have a small amount of time aawya to be with adults and accomplish something outside of the home. For me, that meant taking a very part time job that I can do from home in the evenings and then the kids go to a sitter once per week.

You are soooo not alone here!!! Isn't it great to know that there are other moms out there that feel the same way? :-)

When my oldest was 7 months old, I quit working (I was in engineering/management for 11+ years in corporate) to be a SAHM. Talk about a transition! Less than 1 year later I had 2 kids under 2 yrs old, and was living in a new city (Chicago) with no family close by to help. With hormones raging, and lack of sleep, I'm pretty sure I WAS insane!

As far as needing professional help, I don't believe that you have to be at a point where you are afraid you are going to hurt someone (yourself or your kids or your husband) to get help. It is a very therapeutic way to sort out your feelings and learn some tools to cope with the crazy reality of life. It doesn't make you less of a person to talk to a counselor (I know a great one in Seattle if you need a recommendation). Bottom line is, taking some time for yourself is key. Is there someone that you can get to watch the kids for an hour or two at a time so you can take care of you? Maybe a swap with another parent, so you don't have to pay a babysitter?

It will get easier....my boys are now 5 and almost 4, and I've been blessed to be able to be home with them for the past 5 years. Once they got old enough that I felt comfortable with sitters for longer periods of time, I started my own business working part time from home, and I've been doing that for 2 years. I had lost my 'identity' when I quit working and was no longer bringing home a paycheck to contribute to the family finances. Having my own business gave me my identity back, gave me something to look forward to each day other than housework, cleaning, feeding, changins, etc. Luckily, it's a business that I can weave into my schedule around my family, rather than weaving my family around my job. That is a huge benefit, especially since now that the boys are getting older, they are more and more involved in activities, etc.

There are days when I have zero patience with the kids, and I find that I even have to put myself in a time out (that really cracks the kids up), but, hey....isn't that just part of it? As they get older, it seems to be easier, but they still have their challenges, just different ones then when they were little. There's always going to be something, some phase that they go through that you have to figure out. But if you can get in the right mindframe about it, attitude can make all the difference in the world. You'll eventually start getting more sleep, they'll outgrow the Terrible Twos (or Threes). Exercising is helpful to keeping sanity and getting the 'feel good' endorphins flowing, so try to work that into your week whenever you can. Anyhow, that's just my $.02.

Hang in there S.! You definitely are not alone!!
Pam
www.pamelagreb.myarbonne.com

S.,

Forgive my laughter, but you could be me! My son is 4 1/2 and my daughter is 14 months. Many days I feel like ripping my hair out because I'm exhausted and it's only lunch time.

You are most definitely not alone in the slightest.

One thing that really helped me was to get my son into activities. He swims, plays soccer, and does gymnastics. I practically live at my local YMCA. Another thing that helps me is that I'm a swim-teacher-in-training there as well. That gives me about 3 hours twice a week where I don't have to worry about my kids at all because they're with Dad.

Try to take at least half an hour to yourself at least 3 days a week where the only thing you have to worry about is you. It helps, alot!

If you really miss teaching, have you thought about tutoring? This is my last quarter, but I have been a Sign Language tutor through my local community college, and have been blessed enough to be able to bring my kids with me. All my students have been great and understanding about them.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I am currently prego with number three an have been a SAHM off and on for three years. I somedays sit staring out the window during naptime wonder what all the other adults out there are doing...my hub doesnt understand he thinks it would wonderful staying at home all day long...but without alot of adult convo it can get about dull. My three year old though is teaching me lots of things like patience...I dont think I really had this before he came around!! No need for professional help though unless you have thought about hurting one of them...Then you may want to see someone...As for going out with a TT..Find some place he loves going to walk around...My three year olds place is Target...he loves walking up and down the toy isles...he knows we cant afford most the time to take them home but he loves to look. I sometimes let him pick a toy out of the 2.99 bin or something like that. You may find they fight the first few times but it will get better,..you will settle into the roll as time passes by too. I have found also that being on a schedule is sooo much easier during the day and makes the time go by much faster...I use to be a loose goose when it came to the days activities but as soon as they were on a schedule it was like they both changed and have been differetn children ever since!! Good Luck and remember breathing will get you through anything!!!

Oh you are so not alone! I went through this 8 years ago (when I chose to stay home with my oldest while pregnant with my second).

I found the only thing that kept my sanity was to "Work from home" I didn't even care if I was getting paid for it. (ANd it wasn't lame selling of this and that type stuff) I got into video editing, computer/web stuff, doing marketing and press packets and e-mail drops for local theatre companies. Things that I could get up and walk away from, but could also work on when they were sleeping in the quiet hours (which are flexible when being a parent).

If you'd like more info on how I survived this, drop me a direct line at ____@____.com

It kept me sane, and when my kids were older and both in school, I'm out and about now with a full on career.

It looks like you got a lot of good advice... so I am just here to say "you are not alone," "this is how I felt/feel," and find your outlet. It looks like you have some already, but try a journal or poetry, maybe... ??? Or, if you are a social person, maybe join a mommy's group.

I hear ya, sista...I'm in the same boat. I love my little boy dearly, but I need more than this. I don't think you're crazy. You have to be passionate about what you're doing and frankly we're not.

My situation is different. I'm a court reporter and haven't passed the state exam yet, so I can't go to work until I do. But, now I'm pregnant again, so it won't even be until next spring at the earliest assuming I pass the test. I try to tell myself it's only temporary and that soon things will be back to normal; or my normal at least.

I don't know what to tell you about fun activities or anything but if you find some, let me know. :) Good luck.

the only comment I can make about being a SAM is that my daughter's situation was similar to your description. Luckily she had me to watch the babies for free.

I'd like to comment on taking an anti-depressant and/or an antianxiety med. I've taken them off and on since I became a mother. Before that I went to a counselor off and on. When I first realized I was depressed they didn't have a med that didn't make one sleepy.

I recommend trying one. I'm on Celexa now and have taken it in the past. Now I'm also on Celexa and Wellbutrin and take an Elavil when I need it. My depression is most likely the result of genetic factors and being raised by a very depressed mother and parents who fought all the time. My job as a police officer no doubt contributed. Then I added a child and was overwhelmed.

I was able to stop taking any meds until I married and became a step-mom and caretaker of a mother-in-law as well as my teenage daughter. I was new to the area and was missing my close friends. I was getting very little support from anyone. I went back to work and that only made my depression worse. That was when I started Celexa after trying a couple of others. I also found that voluteer work helped. I was on call for crisis intervention.

I divorced and moved back to Portland, which greatly reduced my responsibilities, and stopped the meds. I was relieved to be out of the marriage. I started the meds again when my daughter became a single parent of a high needs baby. We both had difficulty adjusting to shared responsibility.

One doesn't have to take meds forever but one does have to stay with one long enough to know if it's going to help and try another one if it doesn't. I've done this with the aid of a mental health professional and with going to just my gp. My daughter took one prescribed by her gp. She doesn't take an anti-depressent or an anti-anxiety med now. But she does still take a thyroid medication which reminds me to emphasize that often the difficulties that we have are either caused or compounded by hormones.

The advantage of going to a mental health professional is that one also gets to talk and they are good listeners as well as skilled in problem solving. I learned different ways of coping and made some difficult decisions more easily. Fortunately I've always had insurance that helped pay for all of this.

As for talking, other mothers are a good resource, as well as good friends. I suspect that the majority of mothers cope without the meds. I don't know how well they cope, however. Parenting is a difficult job for which we receive no training. Housekeeping can be quite boring and is made much more difficult when you have a baby or two or three at home.

The down side of the meds are that most of them are expensive if you don't have insurance to help. However, the older antianxiety meds or not expensive. Years ago I took Valium, which does have a bad rep, for a short period of time. Now I take Elavil. Yes, they can make you drowsy when you first start but I adjust quickly and they no longer have a negative effect for me. And I only take them when I need them. They work for me, in part, because I'm very aware of the possibility of dependence on them and am able to judge when I need them. I don't take them all the time which is what creates the dependency. I take them, perhaps once or twice a week; sometimes more often. Both my gp and the Psychiatric Nurse practioner, who started me on Elavil, agree that I am taking them in a safe way.

Mothers get anxious because of all the responsibility of mothering, their messed up hormones and their sense of isolation and lack of knowing how to take care of themselves as well as other factors in their lives. I get anxious because I'm closely involved with the care of my grandchildren but have no authority to make decisions about what they need. And I am anxious about dying. I love the life I have now.

The doctor added the Elavil when I had a panic attack while starting an MRI. I first took Valium to get thru the MRI but felt so much better, more relaxed and less anxious, on the few days I took it that I asked about taking it longer. That was 2 years ago. It did take a few months to find the right dose and how often to take it. I did get habituated to taking it and had to increase the dose. But I didn't want to be dependent and so started just taking it once or twice a week. Then I could cut back the dose and it still works.

If I were you I would consider trying meds. But I would also try the great ideas you've received from other mothers. It may take awhile to find the right combination but with a positive I can do this attitude you will find a way to be mostly comfortable with whatever way of life you decide upon.

As an added note but not advice. My granddaughter did go to preschool and she loved it. She received alot of positive feedback which she didn't always get from her mother who was exhausted from work and having relationship difficulties. She also was better prepared for kindergarten. My grandson, who had learning disabilities, needed a smaller less learning centered setting. He went to an in home daycare where the caretaker was taking care of 4-6 babies and/or preschoolers. This worked for him. He preferred to stay at home but this was best for him given his mother's circumstances. Both children received experiences from day care and preschool that they couldn't get at home.

I agree, that if you can find a balance that allows you to feel more in control and more satisfied with your life, that being a SAM has good benefits for your children. I also think that you can benefit from staying at home. There are lots of lessons to be learned and it is satisfying and joyful to not only see your children develop but also know that you and your partner are the ones helping them to grown.

I do know that you have to know how to take care of yourself. You cannot be with your children 24-7 and be happy. Baby sitters, either paid or volunteer, are a necessity for you to keep your sanity. It's wonderful when mothers have spouses that know how to support them. As one mother said, we often have to tell them specifically what we need even if we don't have any children. A babysitter once a week for a date night or time on your own is also helpful for your babies. They benefit from exposure to another personality. And I found having a different care take some of the time helps the child to more easily become more independent in a healthy way. Again it's finding the right balance knowing that you are still the one who is the most important in the life of your baby/child. You are still the one raising your baby/child.

Another idea that I haven't seen as a result of your post is to have a teen watch the baby/child while you stay at home and can observe their interaction and be available if there is a problem. The mother goes to another part of the house and gives herself care. I suspect that being able to take a shower/bath and do other personal routines while not having to consider your children would be quite helpful.