D.,
I have not read the numerous requests so I apologize if this is redundant. I have tried the "don't do everything" and men don't really work this way. Maybe taking a night away with girlfriends and he will see it naturally, but I would not manipulate the relationship. Men need DIRECT SPECIFIC communication. My husband asked me "what does me supporting you mean?" At the time, I did not really know. It changed from moment to moment because I was overloaded and just scrambling for help. I had to sit down, really evaluate what would be helpful on a consistent basis. Then we talked (in specifics) and he understood.
Set up a time to talk, maybe get a sitter and go to dinner. Express that this will have to change and you need his help in determining how that happens. He may step up, or he may pay for supports. If he is not responsive, your marriage will not be 'great' for long. Your needs should be the forefront for your husband and if he is not willing to help come up with a solution that is good for YOU....your marriage may not be as great as perceived. I would not waste time and would be going to counseling if a resolution is not met soon, because your marriage is worth it.Ironing out any expectations that have not been discussed openly is a benefit of counseling. I would have some statistics ready for him if he is a numbers guy (mine is). I had quotes on a housecleaning service twice a month, lawn service (that was falling on me last summer due to his work demands and I couldn't keep up), etc. I presented this info as well. He felt it was worth a housecleaning service and lawn care service so now I have that to help out. The day to day is still here, but not having to worry about the 'cleaning' part is a huge relief; not focusing on what I DID NOT get to each day.
For some reason, my husband does less and less around the house as he gets older. The things that have helped is:
1. Give him a heads up I am getting overwhelmed and need some help in getting caught up instead of hitting him as he enters the door. I will either tell him mid day that I need help as soon as he is home if it is something that can't wait or ask him if we could chip out some time on a Saturday. (warnings help him wrap his head around the fact he is about to have to help in some way)
2. Schedule a 'catch up day'(usually Saturday here) where he has the baby and you can focus on just the housework for a set amount of time. Don't look for perfection....for goodness sakes you have a baby....but usually I can knock out a lot without interruptions in 1-2 hours.
3. A timer works when my hubby does help. We set the kitchen timer for either 15, or 30 minutes (I loose him after 30 minutes usually) and we both hit the floor running (make a list of top priority things to be done first). It is amazing how fast we get things back in order. He does not feel trapped due to the timer and I get some quick help.
I am a Christian and I had to start praying that God would open his eyes and heart to being sensitive to my needs and the needs of our home. I do look at my work here as ministering to my family and doing it to honor God...this has reduced my complaining for sure....this perspective check has changed my heart as well. Depsite this, help is still needed and that is okay.
It is tough being mom and part provider...I honestly don't feel God intended for moms to wear so many hats. But we do and we have to take care of ourselves when no one else will. Don't compromise on that...I was in such a mental torment for a while before I learned how to better express the urgency of my needs to my husband. The stress and strain will tear you down. Things get easier with a lil' one but working full time and running a home is insane and I pray that you and your hubby can get a plan that works for both of you.
UPDATE: I also wanted to share that we alternate days we put our girls to bed. This helps because when he puts them to bed I put on the iPod and go for a walk around the neighborhood or whatever. He used to do the dishes the nights I put the girls down, but not so much anymore. Now, I do the dishes before the girls go down every night (so dinner and dishes are more hurried) and this helps me feel like I can relax a little once they are down. The girls love him putting them down and YES he bathes them if it falls on his night. Of course if he is overloaded sometimes we both do the routine, but it really opens up the evening for each of us to get some personal time while the other tuck the girls in.