Feeling Really Sad

J., please let us know how you are doing in a month- we all care about you! The ladies have some great advice.

I'm not a medical professional but it sounds like you're depressed and you need to see someone as soon as you can. They will be able to help you. Hang in there and see someone ASAP!

You definately have a case of acute depression. Everyone has given you tremendous advice but I would add one more. Living here is the Northwest the lack of sunlight triggers my depression in the the fall/winter time. In addition to counseling and medication I have a lamp that simulates the sunlight that helps me.

I went through the exact same situatiion. The advice I have is for you to seek your own therapist, along with that I was also put on anti-depresents. Personally I turned my life upside down and almost lost everything. I moved out on my own, we shared custody of the kids, I made some HUGH mistakes(ie negan drinking; got pregnant with a young man who left my when I was 3 months pregnant). At that point I turned to God to ask for help. I realized that God would always love and no matter what hardship I was faced with; I had someone who would listen. My husband and I worked things out, we moved back in together. It took some time of him sleeping on the couch and taking time to build trust and friendship before anything else could happen. The hardest part is working on the trust.
I understand your feelings, you need him to understand how him cheating made you feel. When my husband did it, I felt like I was not good enough for him and that he would be happier with 'her'. Confront him, it might take some crying and yelling. But you need to be heard. Getting your own therapist would greatly help you to be able to open up in a place that is yours alone and not shared.
Take back what is yours! You are a loving mother and a wonderful wife (other wise you would have shot him or beat him with a baseball bat; yeah those both crossed my mind ...) Focus on yourself and your children. You were not the one that stepped out, but you are the one that feels punished. ITS NOT FAIR to you to feel this way.
You are a good mom and your boys know that; they know how you feel becuase they love you.
DON'T ever forget the unconditional love of your boys. There love is true and they need a loving mother who enjoys being with you.
When I was put on Zoloft, a year ago, everyone around me commented on how much happier I was; and how great it was to see that side of me again.
Stay strong and know that if you need support we are all here for you.

I wish I could give you a hug. Your response is completely normal and don't be surprised if you begin to become very angry over the situation. Anger is a secondary emotion that comes after being very hurt.

I'm with the other gals in that you should seek personal therapy alongside marital counseling if you wish to remain married. You're hearts been ripped apart and it will be a lot of hard work, but rest assured, there are many people who have had this happen and they managed to heal and move forward.

Another little piece of advice would be to surround yourself with good listeners who will be supportive. So many people have opinions but if you can find someone who will just listen and love you and walk with you during this time, that would be incredibly helpful for you. It's really nobody's business if you decide to stay with your husband and try to work things out. What I'm saying is that if you decide to stay, don't allow any negativety to creap in your ear with a friend who constantly tears apart the progress.

S.
http://www.DeliveringWellnessToYou.com
Proud Member of Moms Delivering Wellness

Dude, no! You need some time away from the kids, some time to take care of yourself. I know this feeling, J., and it's awful. You look at your kids and think, you are great kids, but I'm tired, and even though I SHOULD be happy about taking care of you, I'm not. And the guilt spirals.

What do YOU like to do? What calms you? What makes you feel special, pampered, warm, and comforted? You need to do something every day to recharge. Every. Single. Day. My husband has a saying: "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." And it's true. Get counseling for yourself. Go out to lunch with friends. Join a Y (most offer childcare while you work out), and check the kids in, go into the lobby, and drink a coffee if you want (you don't have to exercise the whole time). The point is, you have to take care of yourself first. Think about what they say on an airplane. In case the oxygen level drops, masks fall down. You put YOURS on FIRST, and then put the masks on your kids. If you pass out, your kids aren't taken care of...

I feel for you, J.. I know exactly how you feel, and you HAVE to take care of yourself.

Hi J.,

I wished I could give you a hug! Please see a therapist. Both my husband and I have battled some bouts of depression for different reasons ranging from low self esteem to job loss; it can be an inherited disposition or brought on by circumstances. In your case, you certainly have "reason enough" to be depressed! My husband first saw an MD and tried Prozac, but we decided that was not the solution. It did take the edge off the "bad" feelings, but also removed all the "good" feelings - he was just like a zombie in a kind of flat mood.
What really helped us is to see a cognitive-behavioral therapist. What I liked about her approach is that we did not just "sit there and talk" (I tried that too, without success) but she gave me homework and assignments to actively work on my issues. It made me feel more in control, and also gave me the skills to deal with future problems by myself. I know how difficult it is to take the step to see someone (there is still so much shame, embarrassment and "I'm not crazy" connected with it), but please get the help!!
If you live in the Bellevue area, I would highly recommend Dr. Marie L. Sweeney
1607 - 116th Ave. NE, Ste. 110
Bellevue, WA 98004
Phone: ###-###-####

Best of luck to you - hang in there - there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
S.

It sounds like you need some excitement in your life and really you might just be down right bored. You've been at home for how long? Doing the same thing for who knows now? Not to mention that you might just have some great intuition, ever consider that you were feeling sad for a reason outside of yourself? J., what I am about to say is blunt because I think you need to hear it . Life is meant to be adventurous and spicey, the moment you start losing your zest or spice for life is the moment you start feeling dead inside. It sounds like this lacking area has affected all of your family and your husband has made a very poor decision in connection with it as well. Families go through things like this, you are not the only one. What matters is how you choose to deal with the truth of it now. I am sure you might be out of the social life of things considering that it sounds like you are at home all the time doing the family life. My advice is take a break and let your husband handle the kids for awhile, nothing long but at least a week. Stay with a friend a family member or if you can afford it a Bed and Breakfast in place that you have always wanted to visit. I know the holidays are coming so maybe before or right after them. Take the time and talk to people, find J., write down the things in your life that bring you happiness and things that bring you pain. Write down the hopes and dreams that you have for your self and the experiences you wish to have. Resolve in the end to keep the good, heal the pain and to move forward with goals that you plan to obtain to bring J. back to HER happy world. You matter and sounds like you give alot and just aren't getting the experience you deeply want. The universe is speaking to you and it is saying time to change because the current life no longer fits you. Whatever you decide I hope with all my heart that you find yourself and live it up as you have one life to live and YOU decide with every second what you take from it and what you experience and if you don't like it the make a different decision. Never leave your kids.....I have no doubt that they are your loves....but do take a break for J.. Your husband is a different subject all in itself but you can forgive for your own healing wether you stay with him or not, Just make sure he takes the time to change and re focus as well whatever the outcome is as there are many paths that the both of you can take let be one of friendship and healing.

Dear J. ~

Thank you so much for reaching out. As a therapist, I can tell you that you have described classic signs of depression. "Numb", "tired", "foggy", "ready to just walk away" are key and important feelings. Depression is an actual illness, not a weakness, and I encourage you to seek a professional to help you. This will not likely go away on it's own, but depression can often be quickly and efficiently and fully treated. Many people benefit from counseling and medication ~ I think a combo of the two works best. Please, take care of yourself.

J.,
Like everyone else has said, you are NOT alone. You are among thousands of woman who have felt the same as you have. See a psychiatrist AND a psychologist for meds and counseling. I strongly urge you not to rely on just your family GP to monitor your meds. They are not experts in these meds where as psychs are. Would you go to a knee surgeon for medication for your heart? Same concept.

Counseling for your marriage is good but I never understood why all counselors don't do individual counseling for each person. Joint counseling doesn't work as well if you can't feel you have your own time to vent and express what you can't in front of your husband. Talk to the marriage counselor about this. That way in your sessions alone w/him you can talk about how you feel and they can help you work on how to express it to your spouse w/o it coming out as an accusation. Learning how to say "I FEEL you think" vs "YOU make me feel" makes a HUUUUUUUUUUUUGE difference on the outcome. One puts it on you as your interpretation....... the other is complete accusation and pointing the finger at the other person and they shut down or get defensive. Even if inside you blame them for that feeling it opens the door to communication on the subject better than swingin it wide open w/a bang!!

Every day you have to do something for YOU!!!!!! Whether you lock yourself in the bathroom and take a long bath and put on smelly lotion, or do your nails, or toes or WHATEVER! And get out and find a hobby. Something just for you a few times a week. No one is asking you to devote every min of your life to raising kids and being a wife. We do that to ourselves on our own and then get resentful when we have no one to blame but ourselves for not taking a stand and saying, "you know what i'm doign something for me". Consider it therapy. YOU HAVE TO DO THAT, there is no option. And it will teach you how to get to know yourself again and love yourself.

I've been there before. Never did anything just for ME. And when I did I Felt guilty. Even felt like my husband made me feel the guilt but that was all me. And the fact that he assumed I would just take care of things was due to the fact that I always did. I didn't allow everyone else to be self sufficient. Wasn't all my fault, I could have said no you do it, or let him take the reigns. Call it being a martyr or whatever. But it had to change, and I did. And for the better most definitely!

Good luck to you and you can email me anytime at ____@____.com. I don't know where you're at but if you even want to take that ME time just for a cup of coffee I'm game.

As a matter of fact take all the emails of the ladies here who said "email me" or whatever, and create an email list. And even once a day if you need to vent email us all at once. Consider it your support group of sorts. Thats great therapy. Its like writing a journal. Then save what you wrote in a diff folder and any responses. It will let you reflect back on your emotions a bit.

L.

J., here comes a cyber hug! All of the posts that I've read give great advice. You need your own therapist since the marriage counseling isn't helping you feel better. Your descriptionof your depression indicates to me that you need serious help soon. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds off and on. If the current one doesn't help the counselor prescribes a different one. One doesn't need to take these meds for ever. They are there to get you thru this difficult time.

I have depression and learned early on that depression covers up anger. If we could deal with our anger we would feel better.

Have you and your husband shouted at each in anger during your marriage counseling. Anger expressed in a safe place helps. The counselor will teach you how to express your anger in a beneficial way.

Another suggestion is to journal. You can "scream" your pain and no one will see it.

Add to that a thankfulness journal. (I can't think of the more common word for this journal.)
There are several ways to do this. The easiest and the one that works for me is each day to write down 3 things for which you're thankful.

Do you get any physical activity like working out, jogging, walking. Doing anything that gets your heart rate up causes your brain to release "feel good" chemicals. It's getting a little bit of natural anti-depressant.

Also important is for you to have something that you enjoy doing each week. Dad watches the kids and you get out of the house to spend time with friends would be the best.

My ex would get angry and yell at me even tho I wasn't a part of his anger. I told him to go outside and yell at the trees. He is a great walker and I think he did hike up a nearby mountain and yell some of the time.

I think it would also help if you could find a way to feel love. When I'm down I cuddle with my grandchildren. Their love for me is so spontaneous.

One of my favorite expressions that I learned from my mother is: "this too shall pass." So hang in there knowing that your life will get better.

My non-clinical diagnosis is depression. Please go see your doctor right away. He/she can get you appropriate counseling options and medications. I have suffered from depression for years. It started after my first was born (PPD) and I was exactly how you described. Not suicidal but felt everyone would be better if I moved away. Not true! Please seek help immediately for yourself. It is rough when the kids notice and they might need some counseling as well due to all of the family dynamics right now. Don't feel bad about needing help. My counselor explained that depression is like any other disease. She told me "you wouldn't let heart disease go without treatment would you?". That made all the difference in how I looked at myself. You will be in my prayers. God bless and good luck.

I know you've already recieved ample support but i just felt the need to express my support as well. Disadvantages tend to open doors to opportunity for change and you asking for help is awesome.

I'm glad you've raised such in touch children, and that they were able to reflect a mirror back for you so you could all the more realize that your suffering is visible. There's nothing wrong with this. Teach them not to hide their feelings,and show that by you taking care of yourself that they should do the same if some day they feel sad and hurt too. In this day and age in our culture it is quite revolutionary to take time to care about yourself.

I highly agree with many others too that seeking seperate counseling and therapy is best. My Grandpa always says,"My first responsability is to my god, then myself,and then everyone else. That way i actually have something to give."

Feelings of depression can be like lil leaches,and they thrive on you feeling down. Just know that in time you can starve them out, and this is a moment in time and not forever.

by the way, you have every right to have the feelings your having too. I don't know what the rest of your life has looked like but just the betrayal of your spouse alone is enough to drop kick you into these feelings. Life always offers us multiple opportunities to resolve pain. Take the reigns and keep reaching out. You will be a beacon of strength for yourself, and a hero to your children.

Please don't leave your children. That is not the answer. Go to a doctor and get help. Be diligent, keep trying until you figure out what you need to do to get better. You owe it to you children and yourself to be happy and healthy. Don't feel ashamed about your depression, it is very common, and is indeed a disease that affects lots of people. Get help! I suffer from depression and anxiety and it can be very debilitating. I just recently started feeling better, and started feeling like my treatment is working. It was soooo worth the effort! Good luck to you.

Your children are really sensitive to your moods. No matter what you do, you cannot hide them, or paint a happy face. They won't buy it. I too have suffered from depression, and had to seek help. I went to counseling, and also found discounted anti-depressants. It is a noble and strong thing to seek help when you need it, especially when your best friend, your husband, has betrayed your trust. Take them time to help yourself as you deserve it. Being a mother is the hardest thing a woman has to do, it is draining, and sometimes downright abusive (especially when your toddler is screaming), and it takes a strong mama to find a way to help herself, but it takes a stronger mama to ask for help. Marriage is important but most marriage counseling is more successful when one or both participants also get help individually. You can do this. You are not alone, trust me. A million mama's have been there. Good luck, and I can help you answer any more questions if you need them.

Things sound very difficult for you right now and it is important that you take care of yourself, so that you can take care of your family. It is okay to be in individual therapy while also in marriage counseling. As a therapist, mom, wife, and some who also has struggled with sadness & depression...please, please seek counseling and feel okay about taking some time for yourself. I know as a mom it is tough to do, but I can't stress how important it is.

It is great you are recognizing your sadness. You have the symptoms of clinical depression. You should discuss these with your doctor and see about getting some hormonal or chemical testing done to see what you are lacking and take the appropriate medication. You may also find a Naturopath may be helpful in figuring out what is wrong chemically and be able to change it for you. You also should find a counselor or psychologist you can talk with--that can be very helpful!! Please get help--your kids need you:) and love you.

You are mad and sad. As you have the right to be. It is good that your children can express their honest insightful observations to be validated by you. But you are tired too. And depressed.

Your marriage hasn't been a "little rocky", it has been devastating. Your "depression" is what happens to a person when repression is used as a coping mechanism after the personal trauma of deception and great personal betrayal.

Nothing will be the same again, for any of you. So honesty and courage will be called for here.

You will need outside help; a personal counselor, to help you to express your rage and hurt and to rebuild your life with this experience folded in and made some sense of.

You are amazingly courageous and very strong to have kept going with life and your responsibilities while wearing this very heavy trauma around your neck.

Please tap into whatever help is available for you. Your husband can tap into his own resources for awhile but your hurt needs to be expressed and to be heard before the relationship can be "fixed."

Good for you for reaching out for support here. Most women can relate to feeling sad/ depressed, etc. at some point.

Stop before you take medication and think for just a moment.

Many people do need medication, it is a logical suggestion to seek professional counseling for yourself.

But this sadness you feel is a frustration with your life, it sounds like. You feel disconnected from your spouse. He is the one who is supposed to be your partner in this life you have created together. And it sounds like he has abandoned you, if not physically, at least emotionally. Of course you are sad! I'd be worried if you weren't.

Don't be a victim of your circumstances, though. It is, ultimately, your job to make yourself happy. If something in your life is causing you pain and sadness, it is your resposibility to change it. If you wait around for someone else to do it for you, not gonna happen. I have been exactly (well, almost) where you are right now. I have played the role of good mom. I have tried to put on a happy face, I even had all my friends fooled. Your kids see you are not happy and it affects them. Staying married to Daddy for them, when you are so miserable is not the sacrifice they need from you.

First, take care of you. Second, try to save your marriage, if you can, but you need to know when to cut your losses and get out. A man who is unfaithful will be difficult to trust again...I should think you'd be angry, rather than sad. It takes two people to make a marriage work!

You DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER THAN THAT! Turn that sadness into something constructive, my dear. You are a strong woman who has given birth and cared for two wonderful little boys. You can do it!

This broke my heart when I read this. You are going through so much, and though I've never gotten as bad as your feeling, I've gotten awfully close. First, you could have a form of depression and seeing a doctor might help you with this. A lack of seratonin in your body could be causing the fog to cover the happiness that is in your life. A lot of our mental state is actually the chemistry of our bodies and sometimes they are out of whack. Sometimes just knowing that helps. Also, if your a stay at home mom, sometimes you get stuck in a rut. I stayed at home almost a year with my daughter. I'd never change that, but we were hurting financially so I couldn't go out and about and having a newborn at home I got so depressed. I was tired of my house, I was tired of the day in day out activities of having a newborn and the sleepless nights. I was so sad. I felt that the happiness of having a newborn was sometimes fogged over by my sadness. Yes your boys are important to you and I too wish I was a stay at home mom now, but maybe you need something outside of family that you can do whether it is working on Saturdays at Starbucks or joining a yoga class. Something that you can feel proud at your accomplishments. Not just a mommy and me class, but something outside of family where someone can tell you what a good job you are doing. The repetition of the tasks of a stay at home mom make it difficult to feel proud of your accomplishments. You may clean the house top to bottom, but two hours later the house is upside down again. You may make a delicious meal but afterwards you have the mess and it's gone. It's frustrating and can also cause you to feel sad and depressed. My hubby always asks me why I say I love cleaning. I do, I love cleaning friend and families houses. But I get so tired of cleaning my own house day in and day out that I don't enjoy it anymore. Hope that helps. Your boys love you so much, you are their mommy and they just want you to be your happy self again. They don't want you to go away.

I strongly urge you to seek treatment for yourself, on your own. If your kids know you're sad, it can be damaging to them. You need to take care of yourself first, so that you can give them your all! Don't feel guilty about it, either. These things happen. You've been through a lot and you've been caring for everyone else - now it's time to do something for yourself. If you have any family around, perhaps you could get some much-needed time away or if possible, your husband could take the kids for a night or two so taht you might go away and have some you-time. Don't leave it, though, as it may only get worse. Talk to your doctor, talk to a friend, but talk to someone!

Please, please get yourself to a doctor AND and councelor immediately if not sooner! You describe exactly what I was going through and I was diagnosed with clinical depression. They found the right medication for me and with counceling the fog has lifted and I have been actually able to FEEL pride and joy in my kids rather than act it.
Best wishes and God Bless!

Counseling is good, but it also sounds like you need some time with other moms that can identify with your situation. Try to see if there is a MOPS group in your area or another mom group. (Mothers of Preschoolers.) There you can sit and talk with other moms while your kids enjoy some playtime in childcare - there is usually brunch, guest speakers, discussion groups, and lots and lots of support. Best wishes to you - you are not alone, and your kids need you to become strong again. Love, peace, and hugs sent your way.

J.,
I'm sure you have had lots of suggestions and encouragement by now, so what I have to offer isn't going to be original, but...First, I want to say that realizing and acknowledging what you are feeling is a positive! You can't move forward through life if you can't be honest with where you are right now. I applaud your desire to reach out for help and encouragement...and I know that this group of women are behind you all the way! As a nurse, believer in Jesus Christ, happily married (most of the time for 25 years...major bumps at times), financially secure, and mom to 3 incredible kids, my life always looked good from the outside. What struggles or reason for feeling 'down' could I possibly have? But I did feel sad, tired, unable at times to find joy no matter where I looked. What was wrong with me? The reality was that I was sufferring from clinical depression and had struggled with it from my mid-teens. There were times when I was symptom free, but other times when I didn't seem to have the strength to even think about getting out of bed....what was the point. I have been on meds 3 or 4 times (for a couple of months each time) when I needed a little extra help to deal with situational depression issues. Find a counselor for yourself, use meds if they are appropriate, locate real women who are honest with their struggles and will encourage you, keep you accountable for walking forward, hold your hand when you want to run back to bed, and help you seek out joy even when you don't want to!! Depression hits most of us at some time in our lives (if we are honest) and it is the rare person who can 'pull themselves up by the bootstraps' and 'just get over it'...that's why there are counselors and meds!! You are a strong woman asking for help, and you are a light for every woman afraid to seek out support and trying to struggle through on their own. Don't give-up! You deserve joy!!!! I will be thinking of you and praying for you as you continue your journey.

Hi, get some help from your primary Dr. This will help!
Better days are coming. It's good you asked for help.

Bottom line, you are desperately depressed...you need counseling AND some medicantion to help get you back on track. Your regular doctor can prescribe an anti depressant if you can't find a counselor right away.

Then do something just for you...take a class (craft, sewing, knitting, liturature, history, something you love)...and spend a couple of hours a week without kids, husband, house, etc.

Good luck...

Your friend 'been there, done that'

J. -
I TOTALLY know what you are going through.
You need to see someone... for YOU. I know that you want to work on your marriage but you have got work on you first.
I have had PPD since I was pregnant with my second daughter. The anti-depressants really have worked great for me. It took a while to get the right balance but my life is so much better now.
I can relate to the just walking away feeling. I have been there... I have felt that way too. You have to know in your heart that your kids need you and you need them.
PLEASE call a doctor... try your OBGYN and try to get some help.
Hang in there and know there is a community of us that know EXACTLY how you are feeling and that you are not alone.
MJ

J., what you describe are classic signs of clinical depression. PLEASE SEE YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY! Depression does not cure itself and can get worse if left untreated.

Please,please,please for your sake and for your children make that appointment ASAP.

Hi J.,
I dont have a lot of time right now, but I just wanted to be sure to reply. Please, go get counseling for yourself. i do not know your story well enough to know why you may be feeling so down but just by your email I can certainly think of a few things.. including postpartum depression (yes, even three years later). Even if you dont feel like you are worth it, start off by doing it for your kids. They WILL NOT be better off without you, but you can change their lives and future significantly by treating your depression. And once you are out of the fog, you will realize that you deserve it too!!
F

I would totally advise seeing your doctor. I just went through something like this a few months ago and I saw my doctor and he prescribed anti depressants. I was resistant to it at first but now I am so much better. I am not numb to emotion and I still get sad, mad ect. but I now am much more capable to handle the situation. I hope this helps and remember if it doesn't work please try another one, everyone is different. Good luck!

J.,

If I could I'd give you a hug. I would look into getting treatment for post-partem depression. That's the first thing that I thought of while reading your post.

It doesn't help that your hubby has decided to look outside your marriage for what he thinks he needs. You really need professional help for your marriage and for why you feel so blue.

Supportively hopeful,
Melissa

J.,
I don't have any new advice that these wonderful ladies haven't already given. I just wanted to let you know that I have been there. You don't know how many times I have wondered the same thing about my kids being better off without me.
Just know that you are not alone!!
I went to couseling and am currently on anti-depressants and doing alot better. DO NOT feel ashamed or unworthy because you have to ask for help. Do it for you. You are worth it and if you have ANY doubt, just ask your boys.
I will keep you in my prayers. Please feel free to contact me if you just need an ear!
K.

Dear J., please talk to your physician about this. This sounds like classic depression and she/he can help!
Best of luck, you deserve the best
B.A.

J.,
Major kudos for recognizing that something is wrong. You have what my Mom calls "the blues" (depression).

For yourself and your children, you must get help. This is something that you cannot fix on your own.

Perhaps the marriage counselor can give you some contact information.

It will get better,
E.

J.,
My heart goes out to you. While I have not experienced what you are going through exactly, I can certainly empathize. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders though and will do what is needed to make sure your boys have a stable Mom albeit tiring.

My only suggestion is to have a family member or trusted friend give you a day off from time to time, ideally on a weekly basis. You REALLY need to spend some time working on you without the constant distractions that kids, home and family in general bring. This could be time spent in therapy, artistic work, physical work or some other positive work to build yourself up again. Reach out to your trusted friends and let them help you.

Stay strong sister!!

I feel for you. I don't know how you feel about pharmaceuticals but I urge you to see either your family doctor or a psychiatrist (psychologists don't prescribe drugs)and get on an antidepressant. I've been in a similar situation as you are in now. The drugs won't change who you are but they will allow you to feel somewhat better and think more clearly about what is right for you and your family. Once this crisis has passed (and it will) you may be able to stop taking the medication. Do it for your kids. They need you now more than ever since your marriage is on shaky ground. It may be that you will end up walking away from your marriage but not your children. Of course it's better for the children if you and your husband can repair your marriage but if you can't, I think it's harmful to the kids to see you putting up with mistreatment and being so mad and sad. Keep your chin up. There are people out there that care about you!

Hang in there.
If you don't feel like you can swing counseling now, get help in other ways. Child care so you can get out of the house by yourself. A girls night out. Recharge yourself in some way. Eat well and get rest.
That sounds simpler than it is.
You are in my prayers.

It sounds like depression to me. It is very difficult to hide things from our kids. We want to protect them and shield them from the dangers and unhapiness of life, but somehow, someway, they will see it anyway. I recently read a book called "50 ways to fight depression without drugs" Look for it at your library. It was a good take on some simple lifestyle things that can make your world a brighter place. Is there a place to get help other than your hubby? (a neighbor or friend who might come over once in a while to help out?) Have you had a playdate with your pals recently? Its amazing what a little exercise r a good conversation can do. Take the kids for a walk around the neighborhood to look at all the lights. Do something differnt. You are a terrific mom. and as you said, walking away is not the answer. They need you, but you need you too. Its time to put yourself back on the priority list. Can you list things that used to make you happy? Yes, there is a difference between being depressed and simply being unhappy. If you can start by remembering, or rekidling some passion (not in your marraige, but in yourself) than at least its a start. If nothing else, it might not hurt to give baby blues a call. They are a warm line, so they will call you back, but they have lots of expereince with postpartum women. If nothing else, they should be able to point you in a good direction. Good luck. Keep going. I will keep you in my prayers. Baby Blue Connection ###-###-####

*HUG* I am so sorry that you are going through all of this! You have already received some wonderful advice about how important it is to take care of YOU and that YOU are worth taking care of! The only thing I can think of that might help is that you can bring your boys by while you have a doctor appoitment, counseling appointment, or just go to Starbuck's or somewhere with a friend or all alone for some renewal time. The first time would be on me. www.myfathersgardenpreschool.com is the website for my in-home preschool and childcare. I am a licensed childcare provider. I don't know where you live or if I am even close enough to be a help to you, but I just want you to know that there are people out here who care. I will be praying for you and your family. Blessings to you and yours! :)

Go do something for yourself!!!

Go out & have fun with friends
AND/OR go somewhere quiet to clear your head.

See a counselor or just keep venting to your friends!

Remember - we are all your friends - we are here for you - you are not alone!!!!

hey I just wanted to say that whatever you are going through, just know this: You are gonna be okay. Right now things seem so deep ( like they always do when we are in the middle of a problem) But it's not as bad as it seems and you are totally normal and you will be fine. Trust Jesus. :) So many women go through this. I have a feeling it is because they don't know how truly valuable they are. Every little thing you do, washing a dish, cuddling your kids is so incredibly beautiful and important. no one can replace your part. I am so sorry that you feel sad but please know that everything will be okay:)

You need help for you before you can help your marriage. The fact that you are considering just leaving tells me just how badly depressed you are. Nowwhere in your post did you mention when you take time for yourself, spend time with your friends......
If you need someone to talk to please call me. I am a very good listener. ###-###-####.

Dear J. -

I'm so sorry to hear how you're struggling right now and will be praying for you and your family. Please find a counselor who can possibly refer you to a good psychologist and get some therapy as well as possibly some meds just to help balance you. If you are feeling that down and are going further down emotionally, this is a sign of clinical depression and it is important to get treatment before you're so low that you have trouble rationalizing through the situation. My dad has struggled with clincal depression over the years and I have seen these things play out first-hand. Talking yourself through it isn't always enough to get healthy mentally and emotionally again. Be honest with your husband about the severity of your struggle and ask him to help you find a good therapist. Even if you're having marriage problems, don't put your own health on hold in order to deal with the marriage or else your personal struggles will compound the marital issues.

Your kids need you, so don't ever let yourself go down that path of thinking you should leave them in order to spare them of your emotional pain. The reality is that life is full of struggle and they need to see that their mom is struggling, but is going to work through this time in a healthy way. You can model that for them by seeking the appropriate type of support, meds if necessary, and by staying in their lives and reassurring them of your love for them.

Love and prayers,
J.

Please find a mental healthcare place that you trust, and tell them of your feelings. It sounds like full blown depression to me, and it can be helped with good medical care, and some counselling, and possibly medication. I am glad that you are trying to work it out with your husband, but if he doesn't snap to in a very short time -- you and your children would be better off without him. It sounds as if he isn't very invested in your lives as it is. I am also glad that you know that running away is no answer -- the depression will just go with you and be compounded by an act that is done in the middle of your medical crisis. Keep talking to people you trust, and good luck.

Hi J.,

As many of the other people who've responded, I've also suffered from depression. I do have a different thought on an approach though (in addition to personal counceling). Not to sounds all hippie and tree hugger-ish (which I'm not), I looked to find a more natural ways to heal myself. Depression is caused by an imbalance in your brain, and I believe in trying to solve the problem rather than medicating it, if possible. I do see a naturopathic doctor who has helped me a lot. We found out that my DHEA and cortisol levels were completely depleted (caused by constant levels of high stress, which is common for many, especially moms), so I'm taking adrenal supplements to help my body replenish those hormones. I also take a strong amino acid supplement (I use NueroReplete, but there are different kinds out there). With the right combination of amino acids, your brain creates more serotonin and dopamine naturally, which is what anti-depressants do synthetically (also while training your body to create less on its own making it more difficult to get off of anti-depressant medications.) The downside to this is that it does take a few weeks to fully kick in. I do understand that sometimes you need that help ASAP, but it's still food for thought for you.

I think you know by now no matter what you decide to do that you're far from alone, which has to be comforting within itself. I often ask myself "How can this be so easy for others, and it's so hard for me?" Then I have to remind myself that it's not so easy for most others (though there are a few lucky ones out there). Many people are just good enough at hiding it. Some days are better than others (especially if I forget to take my vitamins and supplements), but every day I just try as hard as I can to be the best mom I can be while also satifying my own soul and reaching out to my husband to make sure that I'm not leaving him out in the cold. It's not always easy, and I'm not always completely successful, but I'm always trying.

I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Take care and good luck!

Oh, i really feel for you, I have felt that way myself before. You gotta realize that your kids would absolutly not be better off without you, i'm sure that would just break their precious little hearts. I think you should see a counselor and maybe see about getting anti-depressants, they really do help, I've had to take them in the past and its incredible the difference they can make for you, you'll really feel like yourself again. Good luck sweetie, if you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.

Good job for asking for help. Like so many ladies before me have said, these are classic signs of depression. Talk to your doctor about it and by all means, go to counseling for yourself as well as with your husband. It makes a difference as you indicated that this came along before you found out about your husband's unfaithfulness.

If you are not taking the time to do those things that refresh your spirit, then schedule time in for them. You need to have something that refreshes you so that you can be the best mommy that you want to be.

Please, please talk to your doctor about this and get some help. What you are going through sounds so much like my life before I got help from the doctor and started taking depression medication. I don't like to take medications, but if it helps me to be happy and take care of myself and my family, it is soooo worth it!

God bless you and your family. He will help you through these difficult times. Please feel free to talk to God and to a good friend. Also, sometimes it helps to talk to someone who is a good listener.

Hi J.;
I read your note that you wrote to "Mamasource" and just wanted to share a few thoughts with you if I may. . .
I can't imagine some of the pain and frustration that you may be feeling in regards to your marriage. . . I'm so sorry. Based on what you wrote, you sound like a sweet mom that loves her two boys very much. . . that you are extremely tired and very discouraged. . . I just want to encourage you to "hang in there". I know that life right now isn't what you wish it to be. . . there are some things that I know you would wish to change if you could. But leaving your two little boys isn't the answer. They need you and your solidity, your guidance and training and love. When one is so very tired, it's a very difficult road to journey, but all you need to focus on is one day at a time. . . the little things that come up in your children's lives that need your wisdom and love can be a full time proposition as you already know! :) And they need you even though you don't feel like you're doing the best for them, you're their mom. . . you have a mother's heart given to you by God and the instincts that we as mother's have towards our children is given us in part to nurture, love and train our children. I know that it must be so very, very hard for you right now, but keep on, keeping on loving them, caring for them, and training them. . . Time goes quickly in their growing years, even though it doesn't seem like it at the time. We as moms love, work,train,and the days are long but before you know it, they are wanting to make decisions and growing up faster than we could have ever imagined when they were young. I can't imagine how difficult it must be right now especially with some difficulties in your marriage. . . but your lil' guys need their mom. . . you already are the mom they deserve by the sounds of your note. Your concerns for them show you're not being selfish and shutting them out to leave them to "fend for themselves" even though you are having a difficult time. You're still concerned about them and love them. I think you're doing a really good job by the sounds of your note despite some very difficult circumstances. . . hang in there,J.. . . I'll be praying for you!
Some passages in the Bible that have been an encouragement to me is Psalm 139 and the book of John. If you're interested, I encourage you to read them. :) Take care, ok? R. T.

I don't really know how to help you. It sounds like a really rough situation. I know that antidepressants have helped my a lot, but your situation seems like there is much more that needs to be done. I just want to say that I feel your pain, and I hope you can find a solution and feel better. Hang in there. Just sending some support!

J., I am so sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I don't know if you want advice, or just words of encouragement, so I can only offer just that. You are clearly going through a rough time, but it sounds you are doing the right thing by going to counseling. It takes time to heal anything, whether it is a damaged relationship or a physical ailment. It is truly heartbreaking when our kids look into our souls, it seems like, and feel our pain with us. Keep playing with them, keep loving them, and I beg of you, do NOT walk away from those little angels who need you! Life is HARD and marriage is HARD and raising kids is HARD but it is all worth the joy it brings. I know this is not the most joyous time for you, and since I am not living your life, I won't even try to stand in your shoes, but I beg of you, do not walk away from them! I have seen so many children lose one or more parents, and if this is a weak time in your life, you need to be strong for them, because they rely on you for that! I hate seeing seeing families torn apart, but if your marriage can withstand this, you will be a closer family because of it. If your marriage does not withstand it, don't let the adult stuff seep onto your children. I don't think that is easy for me to say, so please don't assume it is. I am a child of divorced parents, but my folks went out of their way to emsure that the three of us didn't suffer from it. They never talked bad about each other to us, or used us to be in the middle. I truly hope things work out between you two, and that you can find the happiness you deserve as a parent, a wife, and a friend.

Do you get any time alone, just the two of you? If you are still so sad, despite the counseling, maybe you aren't getting out the thoughts you really want to share with him. I don't know, I'm just guessing. Is there anyone who can take the kids for a couple hours while you two share some positive time together?

I don't know what else to say, but I am sorry you are so sad, and I hope you get your strength back. You aren't alone, J.. Being a mama and a wife and a friend and everything else is not easy.

Hello J.

Well i just want you to know the best thing to do is talk to your doctor get help. I recently had to have the talk myself. I have gotten to the point i dont want to do anything. I force myself to do the necessary things. I have one 5 yr old girl who is a handfull.

Please seek help for your sake and everyone elses. It will help you get back to being fully available for your children.

Hi J.,

I've been through what you are going through. Please Please get to a counselor NOW for yourself. You need help to pull out of this. If you get to a counselor you will pull out quickly, if you wait and try to do it yourself it will take forever. So when you are really sick of feeling awful get some help and you will pull out pretty quickly.

Take Care,
Rose

You sound just like me about six months ago. Like you, my husband also had an afair just shy of my 10th wedding anniversary. I too, had two children at the time. We worked on the marriage and it has gotten better, along with adding another child. But I must say, I don't think I will ever get past the hurt of it all. I was thinking the very thoughts you are just a few months ago, this was 5 years after the afair. Turns out my MD diagnosed me with depression. I could't even see it myself. I thought what I felt was very normal after experiencing something so tramatic. I'm sure it was the whole ordeal that made me depressed, but none the less, it was depression. Since being on a simple med (no side effects) I am doing so much better. The subject is easier to deal with and I am a much more delightful person. My children are so thankful for that. I hope you find the answer to your difficulties and wish you the best of everything. I totally understand what your going through, and may you find some sort of peace knowing you are not alone in this!!!!!!

Hi J.,
I'm new to Mamasource but your letter was the first one that caught my eye. I get depressed quite a lot myself. It seems to come and go with me, but the one answer I can offer is that is sounds like you need God in your life. I'm not sure if you know him but it helps tremendously to just give it all up and lean on him when things get difficult. I'm also so sorry to hear about your husband, God can heal that as well. I wish you the best and will be praying for you. -B. Alexander