!

Hold on mom. I totally understand. You do sound very down in the dumps.

Lots of this is because you sound like a person that likes to be busy, likes to be around people and you are craving some adult time.. You deserve these things AND you can do this. Your family also need to start pulling their wait. You are the mom, not the maid. They are now getting old enough to start helping..

First of all, if your children do not listen to you, do not do as you ask,, you need to begin working on this.

Whining, and excuses are treated by stopping them, putting your hand on their shoulder and looking them in their eyes and saying. Pick 1 per transaction.

"I need you to listen to me. I told you no. I do not want any back talk."

"I asked you to do something, and I want you to do it right now."

"I do not understand whining."

"I do not understand arguments."

"I need you to use your regular voice."

"When you speak to me like that, you will go to your room and only come out when you can speak to me in a regular voice."

"Stop what you are doing and do as I asked, and do it right now."

Mom, do this every time Let them know they are to listen to you and to do as you ask, when you ask. If not, they will lose privileges.. TV, Friend time, a special event..

Or they will be given extra chores. Clean 2 bathrooms instead of just their own. Must dust the entire den AND formal dining room and do it the right way..

Also make sure they have regular chores around the house.. These are the things they need to start doing on their own.. You will need to over see their "training".

They take out the trash and recycling, they pull the cans to the curb, they return the cans to the side of the house.

They must vacuum and dust the den or TV room once a week. They may pick the day.. This must meet your expectation on the cleaning. Teach them the right way to do this.

They pull the sheets off of their beds and make sure they take them to the laundry room. Each person folds and returns their clean clothes to their our dressers and closets.

The children clean their own bathroom once a week and it must meet your expectations..

Not sure what you used to do when you worked outside of the house, but I have made money over the years doing all sorts of things.

Example.. If you were a CPA.. consider taking in accounting or doing taxes. Work for the IRS this time of the year.

If you were an attorney, contact different companies and let them know you can work on big projects. Let people know you can write up wills or help with DBA's or new businesses.

I was in retail and I was always called to fill in for vacations, special events.. fill in on the sales floor when others were ill.. I was famous for my "last minute call ins"..

I also helped new businesses set up their stores. I even consulted with a few people about what it means to really own a "little store" .. Some people always dream about it, but I gave them a Reality Check. This is a consulting job.. If they open the store I was happy to help in any way I could..

Then I started being a personal cook for a family single dad and his daughter. I prepared the food and dropped it off at their home 5 days a week. Easy since I just prepared a bit more than what I prepared for my own family. This turned into me also helping with small projects around the house. Even being paid to be there to great handy men or the cable guy.. etc..

Then I started doing special events. People wanted to enjoy their parties so I would go and make the party run smoothly and by the end of the party, I had been cleaning up the entire time so the host and hostess could just say good bye and everything was back in order. ..

This lead to me doing weddings.. then funerals.. then Estate Sales and Garage Sales.

Then I started decorating large homes for the holidays.

I now say I do all sorts of special events.

I am also surrounded by fair skinned fair hair people.. I am the short Hispanic woman.. short and heavy.. So I totally look out of place.

I met a lot of my contacts through the school PTA. I volunteered and I showed up and I was a worker Bee. I made sure to look at the other parents and say hello. I volunteered for the field trips so that the other classmates knew me and I knew them.. They would call out Hi Mrs. A! And I could respond Hello Hunter! Usually this lead to me asking.. Is this your mom.. Or is this your dad? And I would be able to explain how I had met their child etc.

Next you need to have a heart o heart with your husband and let him know you are going to take a couple of days off and go to a spa.. or go out of town with a girlfriend just to have some mental quiet time.

Even better, you and your husband start planning one small trip every other month,. and a date night every week or every other week..

Ask around about baby sitters. High School National Honor Societies. Drill Teams, Church Youth Groups.. many times have Baby Sitters lists.. just ask around.

You have a good list in your post.. Print it out and make notes about what you can do to change these situations.

I will be sending you good thoughts.

Sandy:

First off - talk to your doctor. Depression can be nasty stuff.

Secondly - your race has nothing to do with what you are going through. The only reason it will affect you is if YOU let it. I know there are those who don't believe this, but really - race should NOT matter.

it could be that you are putting up your own walls and keeping yourself from making true connections because it's "not like it was back home". The more we look the in past - the more we hold ourselves back from our future. You keep looking back - you need to look forward.

If you want to get a job - then get your resume together. Go to your local unemployment office and get advice on your job skills and market. Then proceed to look for jobs that you qualify for.

If you are not a U.S. citizen - then either become one or find a job that handles a H1B visa. yes, those are harder to find. You might want to try volunteering or doing internships to get back into the job market.

As to your kids - set rules and boundaries. Kids can be VERY annoying. You do need time away from them. Find a hobby that you would be interested in - say a book club, swimming or something else and start putting yourself out there.

Maybe you can teach a foreign language (if you speak one) and start tutoring people. I don't know. But do NOT let race hold you back. Get to a doctor to talk about your depression and feelings of hopelessness. You are NOT alone. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING!!

Do you go to church? See if you can connect with young mothers there - older mothers, too. It would be *very* good for you to have that sort of mama network. If you know the pastor, or even if you don't, you could ask how to go about meeting these moms - who would love to know you.

Do you like your children's teachers? If you feel you are friends with one of them, make an appointment with her (outside school hours), explain your situation, and ask how she would advise going about making friends. I don't imagine you'll be the first woman to ask.

If you're really feeling depressed (you did say you were overwhelmed - what exactly did you mean by that?), you might do well to seek a professional counselor. Sometimes a little impartial advice from a disinterested person can be very valuable.

Motherhood is a semi-solitary occupation, because the people we are with are of the next generation instead of our own, and we sometimes do feel alone. Most of us just don't have the excuse of being from another country! I would have loved to say that!

One thing we mamas all have (or most of us have) in common is "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" thinking - but you know the punch line: that greener grass is probably astroturf - not the real thing at all. What you're doing now is the real thing. It sounds as if you love your husband and your children, too.

While you're trying to connect, do some other things for yourself. Take a walk outside in the fresh air every day that weather permits (I notice you live in Ohio where the weather can be iffy in winter). It sounds like a silly thing, but it can make so much difference! While your boys are at school, do what you need to do at home, but take two fifteen-minute breaks to sit down and read (not watch television - that could make you more unhappy). Ask your husband if you could arrange for a sitter to come regularly for 90 minutes once a week so you two could go out for a date together. He's a grownup, and grownup conversation is wonderful!

Please keep us posted on how you're doing. We want you to succeed and be happy.

You have to set boundaries with your family. Stop catering to their every whiim. They can do things on their own.

Visit the local employment agency and see if there is any job that may have some of the skills that you have and apply. It will not be the same as you had in your country but it is something. Think of what you would like to do in the work world and go for it.

People are people no matter what color. Sometimes you have to dig down inside yourself to find the real you. Your happiness is your own doing - no one else can make you happy. Find out what you like to do as in a hobby or volunteering. A job may be found that way.

Friendships are like seasons some last forever and others don't. Good friends are hard to find and when you do there are usually five or less that you can count on for help in a real emergency.

Do seek medical attention. Get a full workup and any medication for depression.

Above all stop comparing back home to America as they are two different worlds. By constantly comparing back home to here you may be putting out vibes that you are not interested or you are better than the people you are around.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

PS Look at the world as half full not half empty.

Sounds like you are suffering from depression. Eat a healthy diet, exercise, take family walks.

I do not know where you are from. If you can Facebook with friends back home, that is helpful. I felt isolated and without a lot of friends when I moved to the town my husband lived in. I reconnected with friends from my childhood. That helped me feel better so that I feel more confident making friends with others here.

School is an excellent place to meet others who have children the same ages as yours. Volunteer at the school. You may make some new friends.

Children push their behaviors until they find the boundaries. You need to set the boundaries. You can make a list of their responsiblities that need to achieve each day or week. remind them so they don't forget, but don't be a nag. Your job is to prepare them for their lives in a loving manner so that they can face the world, which can be harsh, and take care of themselves and others. You are the role model. I suggest the book, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. There are parenting resources online. Maybe there are parenting groups where you live.

Don't separate yourself from your family. That will only make matters worse. Your children will really not listen to you if they feel they are not important to you. Have a game night. Read to your children. Make time for you when they are at school. And make time for your family when you are all together.

Good luck!
: )

1. Join a church group or a gym or a local book club or other moms meet up and make some friends. I am not sure why the race thing would be a big issue, unless other people there, or possibly you, are racist. I am not trying to be insensitive to this, but hopefully you can find friends regardless of the race issue? Finding friends is very very important and is life saving and sanity saving. You can volunteer at the boys' school, on the PTA, etc to make friends. Whatever you do, make some friends.
2. Make sure you're sleeping enough and eating well.
3. Join a gym, start exercising and de-stress that way.
4. Consider going back to work full time if that will make you happier and make you a better mom all around. Both of your boys are in school ...

You can make things better. Be patient! Be persistent!

Good lucky Sandy!

Can you sit and think about all the reasons you decided to become a SAHM? You mention you wanted a family more than anything. But now you feel like you want to be an independent career oriented woman. Grass always seems better on the other side. That's when we need to stop and think what we really want from our life. It will take time for you to get back into work force. Dont get depressed about it. You made the decision to stay with your kids and see them grow - which I think is wonderful. Now they are at an age where you can go back to work full time. You will have to try a little harder because of the break you had in your career. But things will definitely work out.
Kids are kids. You will love them no matter what. I would say try to come up with a weekly plan for yourself and your family. Like one day for all laundry, one day for grocery, one day to pay bills to run errands etc. That way you try to get things done on those days and don't have to worry about forgetting things or always have things to do in the last minute. Being organised helps a lot.
I always write down things that I have to do. I set aside time for each task. If not I get overwhelmed as well.
As for friends, try to join a moms group. It takes time and perseverance to develop close friendships. And also at this stage in your life, it will be harder to make those deep connections as everyone will be busy with their own life. Try to connect to old friends as much as possible.
I go through most of these , I know it's easier said than done but beleive M. there is nothing more you can do other than try to make things better for you. Feeling sad about it won't help. You have a wonderful family. I agree with the others - maybe it is depression. I get a lot of these thoughts when I am feeling down esp that time of the month. But if you feel this way all the time, and nothing else you do makes you feel better then you need to see a doctor.

It sounds like you're very depressed? I would talk to a dr, and in the meantime start thinking about what career you want and look into going to school. I think that would help you find yourself again

Can you visit your friends & family back home on occassion?

How about going back to work? Even if it is something other than being an attorney? It doesn't HAVE to be that career. Re-invent yourself. Maybe just going back to work.

My mom was from a different country & she found her old memories idealized how it had been. Things & people had changed. When she went back it wasn't the same.

If your kids are feisty, how about finding ways for them to exert their engery?

I realize how being a mom can be tough but leaving your kids (if you've ever thought of that) would be even harder for them. Having said that, your life doesn't have to be over completely as you know it. It does have to change somewhat but you can fix somethings:
going to the gym
making new friends (it's more difficult as we age but it's not impossilbe
you can meet new people at work
pick up a hobby that makes you happy
realize that your kids are innocent beings & are not trying to get on your
nerves. One day they won't need you as much & you'll have more
freedom
Be open & you'll eventually meet someone here that you connect with
Go see a counselor to help sort through your feelings
Maybe ask your counselor about a class to treat depression
Hang in there.....things will get better

Hi Sandy,

I have been where you are; I lived overseas on two occasions...once before I had a career and once after. It was definitely more difficult AFTER, when I had a daughter, though you think having kids would make it easier.

I also went from having a great job to having to start over with a new language and a new culture. I was in Western Flanders (Belgium) and though I spoke some French, I didn't speak any Flemish...and it's a hard language to learn. I felt like my whole life was running my daughter to/from school and waiting for my husband to get home. Not cool.

Interestingly enough I met another expat mom--she was from Madrid--in the supermarket of all places! I saw her in the aisle with her baby, looking as lost as I was, so I went up to her and said "Are you as miserable and cold as I am???" LOL! We became good friends. In both situations where I was an expat, I formed good friendships with other expat women...only they can truly know what you are going through.

I just read the part about you being black in a white neighborhood; in Paris, I was one of the only white people in my neighborhood (I lived in the 20th--Belleville). People treated me with such kindness; I hope you are having a similar experience.

Feel free to PM me if you want Sandy! : ) You will be ok.