L.A.
Hold on mom. I totally understand. You do sound very down in the dumps.
Lots of this is because you sound like a person that likes to be busy, likes to be around people and you are craving some adult time.. You deserve these things AND you can do this. Your family also need to start pulling their wait. You are the mom, not the maid. They are now getting old enough to start helping..
First of all, if your children do not listen to you, do not do as you ask,, you need to begin working on this.
Whining, and excuses are treated by stopping them, putting your hand on their shoulder and looking them in their eyes and saying. Pick 1 per transaction.
"I need you to listen to me. I told you no. I do not want any back talk."
"I asked you to do something, and I want you to do it right now."
"I do not understand whining."
"I do not understand arguments."
"I need you to use your regular voice."
"When you speak to me like that, you will go to your room and only come out when you can speak to me in a regular voice."
"Stop what you are doing and do as I asked, and do it right now."
Mom, do this every time Let them know they are to listen to you and to do as you ask, when you ask. If not, they will lose privileges.. TV, Friend time, a special event..
Or they will be given extra chores. Clean 2 bathrooms instead of just their own. Must dust the entire den AND formal dining room and do it the right way..
Also make sure they have regular chores around the house.. These are the things they need to start doing on their own.. You will need to over see their "training".
They take out the trash and recycling, they pull the cans to the curb, they return the cans to the side of the house.
They must vacuum and dust the den or TV room once a week. They may pick the day.. This must meet your expectation on the cleaning. Teach them the right way to do this.
They pull the sheets off of their beds and make sure they take them to the laundry room. Each person folds and returns their clean clothes to their our dressers and closets.
The children clean their own bathroom once a week and it must meet your expectations..
Not sure what you used to do when you worked outside of the house, but I have made money over the years doing all sorts of things.
Example.. If you were a CPA.. consider taking in accounting or doing taxes. Work for the IRS this time of the year.
If you were an attorney, contact different companies and let them know you can work on big projects. Let people know you can write up wills or help with DBA's or new businesses.
I was in retail and I was always called to fill in for vacations, special events.. fill in on the sales floor when others were ill.. I was famous for my "last minute call ins"..
I also helped new businesses set up their stores. I even consulted with a few people about what it means to really own a "little store" .. Some people always dream about it, but I gave them a Reality Check. This is a consulting job.. If they open the store I was happy to help in any way I could..
Then I started being a personal cook for a family single dad and his daughter. I prepared the food and dropped it off at their home 5 days a week. Easy since I just prepared a bit more than what I prepared for my own family. This turned into me also helping with small projects around the house. Even being paid to be there to great handy men or the cable guy.. etc..
Then I started doing special events. People wanted to enjoy their parties so I would go and make the party run smoothly and by the end of the party, I had been cleaning up the entire time so the host and hostess could just say good bye and everything was back in order. ..
This lead to me doing weddings.. then funerals.. then Estate Sales and Garage Sales.
Then I started decorating large homes for the holidays.
I now say I do all sorts of special events.
I am also surrounded by fair skinned fair hair people.. I am the short Hispanic woman.. short and heavy.. So I totally look out of place.
I met a lot of my contacts through the school PTA. I volunteered and I showed up and I was a worker Bee. I made sure to look at the other parents and say hello. I volunteered for the field trips so that the other classmates knew me and I knew them.. They would call out Hi Mrs. A! And I could respond Hello Hunter! Usually this lead to me asking.. Is this your mom.. Or is this your dad? And I would be able to explain how I had met their child etc.
Next you need to have a heart o heart with your husband and let him know you are going to take a couple of days off and go to a spa.. or go out of town with a girlfriend just to have some mental quiet time.
Even better, you and your husband start planning one small trip every other month,. and a date night every week or every other week..
Ask around about baby sitters. High School National Honor Societies. Drill Teams, Church Youth Groups.. many times have Baby Sitters lists.. just ask around.
You have a good list in your post.. Print it out and make notes about what you can do to change these situations.
I will be sending you good thoughts.