Father's Parenting

I don't think you can really make him do anymore they he wants to do because unless he wants it it itsn't going to happen. Most men are that way and personally my husband is to. He loves his kids and will spend time with them when hes home and play but he wont leave his work to come home and spend time with them.I believe mothers have a differant conection with their kids where they want to be with them all the time. I would just sit down with him and explain how you feel and tell him that as your son gets older he is going to feel like work and other things are more important then him and does he want that? So he should try to change that before it's to late. Hope this helps and good luck.

I think you may have answered your own question in the midst of writing your issues, "He loves him but he doesn't always prioritze him in the way that I feel he should."...see I don't think men in general will ever do anything they way that WE (women) think they should.

We aren't supposed to expect things in life, as when you expect things you can only expect to be let down, every time.

I myself really value adult time too, and I have to wait to have adult time until the kids are in bed, much like most mothers and fathers.

My soon-to-be husband, is wrapped up in his own world the majority of the time, gentle reminders don't really take him out of his world...he is a good father although I too wish he'd do more.

Seems as though there are many things going on for the both of you personally, being separated for either parent can be very difficult. I would say if there has been slight improvement, given more time there could be more improvement.

Expect less, get more.

You're doing a great job! First off, don't expect anything from your son's father. I have been divorced for a year now, and have 2 wonderful daughters with my ex. He sees them every other weekend, and nothing else and does not make any further effort. He's fine with it, he does talk to them throughout the week as well, but they don't talk much, just hi, how are you and that's about it. I do have to say that when we were married, he was in the garage working on his cars, I was in the house taking care of the girls. I put them to bed, when he came in (well after they were asleep) he would go up stairs and say good night. Secondly, I have noticed that his parenting habits come straight from his parents. They are farmers, the dad was always outside, either doing chores, working in the field, or doing maintenance on something with the farm. His mom was always in the house...so, that's where he got it from, and I have to say so did his brother (they are divorced as well.)

Just make sure and reinforce to your son that 'daddy loves you', no matter what...At first, they didn't even like going there, but after me talking to him about it (they didn't like sitting in the house with him in the garage), it did get better, although they do spend more time at the neighbors playing with their kids or at his parents farm, but at least it's his time with them, and if that's how he chooses to spend it instead of bonding with them, that's his choice.

Good Luck!!

I've been divorced for 12 years and had a son with my ex-husband. I've since then been remarried and have two more wonderful children with a wonderful man.

This may not be what you want to hear but it's what I've learned over 12 years of trying to co-parent with a man who never shared my "parenting priorities" either.

Stop expecting him to be the father you think he should be. We get this idea in our heads that parent/child relationships should be a certain way and they so rarely are, even in a good situation. As women, we can see the whole picture of our family life and how one thing affects another. Men can't. Not because they don't want to, but because they aren't hardwired that way. Women's brains function differently, maybe that's why we are the caretakers. Men are linear and they compartmentalize the different parts of their lives, including parenting.

So my advice is to provide him with the opportunities to build this relationship with his son, but don't set him up to fail. Praise him for the time he does spend with your son and give him feedback like, "He really seemed excited to see you " or "He said he had such a good time with you." You may also see things change as your son grows older and can give more back in the relationship.

Best of luck!

Hi Shelly,
Sorry to hear things are difficult right now...hope they get better roon. I think sometimes it's hard for dads to inherently know what their kids need. It's not that they don't love them, but I think SOMETIMES they aren't as hard-wired as women are to provide that nurturing. Or it could be that he's a bit intimidated to do more than what he's doing. He doesn't spend as much time with his son as you do, and therefore things don't go as smoothly for him. There are some great Father-child ECFE classes out there that help with this. The one we have in our district is a once/week class, where the first half he would spend playing with his son in the classroom. This is typically a preschool classroom with lots of different toys and activities so your son can take the lead on showing Dad what he's interested in. During this time, there are at least two teachers in the room to help facilitate and answer questions. Then the second half of the class the dads go into a nearby room (many times next door with a 1-way mirror so they can "spy" on the kids), and talk with a parent facilitator about issues like sleep, nutrition, how to play with the kids, discipline, etc. Because it's all dads, it's a pretty even playing field. It might be worth a shot--I know some dads have said it gave them the tools to be more interactive with their kids outside of the classroom. Good luck!!

Be greatful for what he is doing. Anything is better than nothing.

I know that doesn't sound like what you want.

Here is my story, My daughter had the same type of father, took her on weekends, brought her to see his parents ect, she was included with family parties,Christmas etc. But he put drinking, and adult time before his child. Wouldn't take her with to go camping because he wanted to drink although it was a huge family thing with kids and all, Wouldn't come to doctor appointments, parent teacher confrences and wasn't involved enough in my eyes.When he did have her he wouldn't take her to the park or the zoo it was go to his house and watch tv. I nagged and nagged. I demanded more and more he wasn't up to par in my eyes. Well shortly after my daughter's 4th birthday he decided he had enough and wasn't a good enough father and that his "adult" time and activities were more important so told me that because he and I didn't see eye to eye he was going to stop seeing her. He now hasn't seen my daughter in a little over 2 years. It hurts my daughter and she has really suffered. I should have appreciated at the time what he was doing instead of what he wasn't doing. Now I'm in the process of finding my daughter a mentor, possibly counseling and making up for what her dad and his family are no longer giving her. She was a planned baby, after we found out she was a girl he changed, became distant and acted like he didn't want to be a dad anymore. I emailed my daughter's dad yesterday to tell him she fractured her arm he never responded. I can't make him be a dad or a good one at that. I just have to be a good parent myself and concentrate on what I can give her.

Good luck it sucks being a single parent sometimes and it's so not fair on the innocent children who never asked for this.

Hi Shelly,

I'm not sure you're going to be able to really do anything to encourage your son's father to bond/spend more time with him. It's probably not what you want to hear, but he's probably not going to change. You can talk to him all you want about it, but if he doesn't have the desire to change, he won't. I don't have experience with this specific situation, but I know others who do and unfortunately Dad's always probably going to be that way unless he sees it as a problem and wants to change.

Part of it could come from his background. How much was his dad involved? He may have learned his parenting skills from that. To some sort of experience with your situation: My father-in-law's dad died when he was 16 and my father in law was kind of a trouble maker in his formative years. Because he didn't have a dad to show him how to deal with teenagers, he didn't always do well with his kids in their teenage years, ...so it kind of affected my husbands relationship with him at times during the teenage years...but they're better now it may be the same kind of thing for your husband.