Father Not Around

There is an organization called Single Mothers by Choice where there are women who have gone through what you're now experiencing. I'm a new Mom (single) and don't have advice for you, but I know some of the women at the SMC meetings can help you out. http://www.singlemothersbychoice.com/

If she's never known her father, it isn't her father that she wants, but someone who isn't you! In married families, if one parent reprimands a child or won't give a child what they want, at your daughter's age, they will cry and say they want the other parent, or that they want Grandma. This is normal. She is very young, just three years old. If you haven't talked to her about her father, she likely doesn't necessarily understand - she is just copying something that she saw some other child do either in person or on t.v. I think that her crying for someone else when she isn't happy with you is a totally separate issue from discussing her father with her.

Gently and honestly. At those times when she is crying and carrying on so that she wants her daddy, sit with her and hug her and tell her I know baby, but I'm sorry, your daddy is not here and I'm the one you have to talk to. Sympathize for her desire to say this and soothe her by telling her the truth. Can't lie, not a good udea. Nip it in the bud from the very beginning. Good luck.

I am a single Mom to a daughter 2 I adopted from China. I belong to a singles adoption list and this topic is discussed frequently. The advice many of the experienced single Moms offer is to start talking to her about how there are many kinds of families. Some only have a Daddy, some people are raised by their Grandmother some families only have a Mommy (-or 2 Mommies, 2 Daddys if you are comfortable with those last 2 examples- for me since they exist and she will meet families like that in life I will explain about that) . That all kinds are equal. Maybe tell her her Father didnt think he would be a good Daddy and couldnt help take care of her and that SHE didnt do any thing wrong that she is a wonderful little girl. Since are Chinese daughters were abandoned we deal with this in common and I hear its important to stress that they are blameless and children will often blame themsleves - think they must have been bad for the parent to reject them.Also knowing other familes liek yours is good- it goves her examples of people to relate to. Good luck!
M.

well, I have absolutely no experience with this at all, but my suggestions are to not focus so much on the absent father and focus on why she thinks she "wants her daddy." Does she feel like she has no control? Maybe she needs more decisions that are her's to make, opportunities to make the "right" decision (like cleaning up and getting ready for bed). What has she learned about daddy's recently? Maybe it's time to start a simple dialogue about her father. She she feeling listened to and respected for her feelings? I know it sounds silly, but their world is just what it is and their trials and tribulations are important to them. So, when my daughter gets really worked up because she can't get her pink shoe off to put her purple shoe on...rather than getting fed up with the whining, I try to sit on the floor with her and empathise..."Hi sweetie, it can be really frustrating when you're learning how to do something new, can't it? I think you're doing a great job, though. You'll figure out how to do it really soon. Do you want mommy to help a little?" She may not really get the full meaning of what I'm saying, but she gets that I understand her feelings. Anyhow, like I said I do not have any experience with it, but since she's only 3 and doesn't really understand what she's saying about wanting her daddy, I can only guess around the statement. She, of course, doesn't want a daddy that was never there. She wants something she's not getting right now... I think... Good luck!

"It's takes a community to raise a child."

Perhaps spending more time with other male relatives like your father, brother or cousins (both older and younger). The more the merrier. Perhaps a ball game with an older male relative and/or friend. The child does not have to be a male to benefit from this. Learning from others is most important. It teaches a child how to interact socially (to get along), but the more they watch and interact the more they learn. Since children are like sponges absorb everything around them - both good and bad. Yet, they too can also learn what is good from what is bad a little better (and earlier in life) by watching others.

N.,
Sorry to hear of your situation. I'm sure its hard enough doing this on your own without being reminded that your doing this on your own... I have no experience with this either, I would only suggest that you seek out professional advise to find the best way to answer your daughters questions.. Its going to be hard enough for her to not have a father in her life. All you can do is make sure the "reasons" she gets at this stage of her life are appropriate and don't do more damage than the absense in the first place. Is there any chance that this guy has had a change of heart?? Unless he is just a total looser and he couldn't possibly add anything to her life.. of course. Sometimes a not so great father can be better than no father at all.. thats a tough call though..
Good luck!
M.

Hi-
Honestly, I always believe that honesty is very important. You don't want your child finding out the truth from someone else or someone else's truth. While she's a bit young to go into detail, you can still be honest and just explain that daddy has some "emotional problems" and can't be here right now. When she gets older you can provide more detail. Children are very intuitive and will figure things out all on their own. My 20 year old used to wonder and then when he finally met his father and he began to break promises, he learned on his own. You can't shield your child from pain. It's a part of life. They learn and grow stronger from it.

A little about me:

I own my own business and am a personal business coach providing Free Mentoring to individuals with stay at home businesses, teaching the skills needed for success. I'm available to anyone who is interested.

I am newly married (Sept. '07) but we've been together for 5 years. I have 3 children, 1 is special needs. He's the best little boy! Christopher is 7. My other 2 are 13 (girl) and 20 (boy)

while i'm not sure i have advice, or good advice, i have empathy for your situation. it must be very difficult, and even heartbreaking to hear her say that. have you ever talked with her about her father? where do you think she is getting it from, if you haven't?

maybe just remind her that Mommy is here and that Mommy understands how she feels and loves her very much??

N.

I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. If you would like, write me back and I can refer you to a social worker who works with families and/or children to speak about such things. I am a single mother of a 6 yr. old boy. I can't say we have the same situation, but I envy you to a point. My son's father physically walked out of his life a couple of months ago and moved to another state. He only calls and seems to think this is enough. He has not seen his son at all since the move. He didn't sit and talk with him before he left either. When my son feels like talking to him (my son is not much of a phone person), I see his pain and hear his sorrow. It kills me. I think that you should either speak to someone as to how to approach this delicate situation, or put yourself in her shoes and try to explain it as gently and as best as you can. All of the best to you and your daughter. I pray that this ends for all of you soon.
J

when she cries for her Dad, give her a hug and tell her you understand how she feels....

Try to find a single parent support group in your area for both of you and take her to the children's events or play days that they have. Also socialize her with other family members when ever possible.....doing both will give her a good sense of family unity.

Let her know you still love her very much even though you sometimes have to say no or take something away from her...

I tend to think children in side feel the loss of a parent as abandonment and I also believe they go through stages of blaming themselves for the loss.....
Even if children never meet one parent, they know that there is a Mommy and Daddy....they just don't understand the situation and why they don't have both. At some point she will probably ask questions about this. Answer her as honest as possible but with in the level she can understand and always come from a positive position with it.

N.,
My son is about turn 5, and I was a single mom with a biological father who was in the same situation. My son never really asked (I did have a new boyfriend long dist when he was 2) but I would always talk to him about other families and how all families are made up a bit different. "Not all Kids have a mommy and a daddy. some are very special and have just a mommy or just a daddy. Some kids do not have neither a mom or dad but maybe a grandma or grandpa or Auntie." Every family is made up differently and that is what makes our family so special and unique. She is so lucky to have a great mommy. I am getting married in 6 months and living with my future husband. My son just assumes he is his dad and we leave it at that. Will save all the details for an older age when he may be more curious. I think two and three yrs of age is to young for the truth. Be honest and stretch the truth by finding ways to move on from the obvious. good luck! One other thing. Feel empowered! I know being single is hard often but be positive about the situation, you have each other. She will always feed off your emotions. I personally would never talk bad about the "biological father" at this age or never really. I young child will not understand what "emotional problems" are. Plus she may take it that something is wrong with her. You never want her to feel that way. I like the recomendation to be sure that she does have others in her life she can talk to such as a grandpa, grandma, uncle's etc. who will always love her and be there. Your daughter and you will be great! Keep positive and be proud of everything you do have and she will follow!

Hello N.,

Thank you so much for posting this question. I haven't encountered this issue as of yet but fully expect that I will. Like you, my son's father and I separated before he was born. My son is now two. His father, while publicly professes that he wants to be an active father; has never assumed that role. I can count the number of times he has visited.

My son hasn't yet begun asking for his father but I fully expect that he will. I had assumed that I wouldn't have to deal with this issue for a couple of years yet but based on your experience perhaps this is coming sooner than I expected.

If my son were to begin asking for his father now, my response to him would be,” your daddy's not here (or can't be here, your choice) but mommy's here and will always be here. Mommy loves you”. At the tender age of two (or in your case three) I would think that response, coupled with hugs and kisses, would suffice. If you have another male in your life, be it your father, brother or a best AND trusted friend, for the time that your daughter is so young and asking for a daddy, redirect her "father-need" to another family member. For instance, if your father is actively involved in your life, each time that your daughter asked for her daddy, respond by saying something to the effect of , "honey, no daddy here but grandpa (or poppy) is here and loves you very much. Do you want to talk to grandpa?" If she says yes, then call your dad and let her speak to him. Be sure to speak with your father or whomever you selected to play this role to gain their agreement and support in advance of supplying this response to your daughter.

I hope this helps. Good luck with your daughter.

E.