Family Yelling

To me yelling is a sign of impatience. It doesn't work. I'm a yeller and the last year or so, I found that it doesn't work as well as talking calmly to the one who's making me yell. I remember being scared of my mom when she yelled and I see the same thing in my kids eyes. Kids learn what they see, like the others said. They will learn to yell if we yell. If you talk calmly, they will learn to be calmer. Good Luck. And remember, it takes some work, but it is worth it!

I am having the same problem. My husband seems to yell right off the bat. My point is where do you go from yelling? I start calmly and work my way up. I find myself running interference constantly which means I am always the bad guy just to avoid my husband yelling. I tried talking to him but it hasn't seemed to help. I know that his mother never yelled at him so I'm not sure where he gets it from. I think showing him examples of discipline that does not involve yelling has helped the most. Or when he starts yelling I'll say CALMLY!

Yelling seems to be one of those traps we all fall into when we feel like we are at our wits end or are just done. I know that I am usually pretty patient, but by about dinner time, I am done. ;) We actually just started a penny jar at our house for yelling and mean talking, since we seem to have an issue with both of those. Every time someone yells or talks mean to some one we loose a penny from our jar. If someone uses their calm voice or says something in a nice tone then we add a penny to the jar. When our jar is full (which it isn't yet) we will get to do something fun together as a family. My kids 7 and 5 love when they find someone doing something right and adding a penny. So far this seems to be cutting down on the yelling here at least.

Good for you! You noticed a cycle you weren’t happy with and are working to improve it! The key to success is you and your husband sitting down and talking about how you will both handle discipline and arguments in your family. Regardless of what you two decide to do consistency, from both parents, is important.

I don’t have children old enough to discipline yet (our son is only 10 months) but my husband and I have already talked about what we think we’ll do when the time comes. That was the easy part for us, the hard part will be sticking to our guns and following our own “rules’.

I taught kindergarten in the past and for my husband and my conversation I used the information below to outline my concept of discipline. We of course modified it a bit and added to it to fit our needs/feelings/situation but it gave a great framework for the conversation (ex: if we get to step 7: What do we do if we’re in public, How are we going to get the child to the room if they refuse, etc, etc) . I hope this helps.

Just so you know, this is from about.com and is part of a nice series. The link is below:
http://childparenting.about.com/library/howto/htdisciplin...

How to Give Effective Consequences for Misbehavior
Here's How:
1. When you notice non-compliance, first give a reminder. Remember to make direct eye contact. This simple strategy will work most of the time.
2. Begin to think of an effective consequence if the reminder doesn't work.
3. An effective consequence is 1) clear and specific; 2) logically related to the misbehavior, 3) time-limited; 4) varied.
4. Continued misbehavior requires a warning of the consequence. Move closer to the child than normal conversational distance and make direct and prolonged eye contact.
5. Be very specific about your expectation and the time frame for compliance. Tell him exactly what the consequence of noncompliance will be.
6. Walk away and give him the opportunity to comply.
7. If the warning doesn't work, send the child to his room while you both cool off.
8. Ignore arguing, whining, or expressions of anger.
9. After a few minutes go to the child's room. Speak calmly and without emotion. Explain that the consequence is now in effect and how long it will last.
10. Avoid power struggles by listening to your child and helping him plan how he will do what it is that you ask of him.
11. Don't let the consequence slide. Enforce it.
12. Forgive your child for his misbehavior. Start with a clean slate. Don't dwell on past mistakes

Tips:
1. Don't use yelling, sarcasm, name calling, insulting or hitting. Keep your own emotions in control
2. Do show respect for your child and recognize his good intentions. Let him know that you know he wants to do the right thing and you are here to help him learn how.
3. Don't keep a running tab of your child's misbehavior. Implement consequences for misbehavior then let it go.

J.,

I too am guilty of yelling at my kids. I don't do it all the time, but still it's too much. Do you ever watch SuperNanny on ABC on Monday evenings? I catch it once in a great while and it is encouraging to watch. I don't really watch tv that much, but I do like that show.

On days when I seem to have more patience than others, I'm better with the kids. It's when I have things I want to get done is normally when I'm yelling the most. I'm in the process of learning it is good to schudule play time with the kids. At that time you/or your husband can focus on the kids. You will enjoy the time more and you won't yell because that's what you're supposed to be doing.
I h ope you are able to find something that works for you.

Men have to be told not only what they are doing wrong but how to correct it. When he starts again, show him he needs to get up and physically get involved with your son to remedy the problem. It teaches us all to pick our battles and shows your son a kinder, healthier way to solve problems through our nice words and actions. I've been dealing with it and it's gotten alot better over the years. It does take time.

Hello J.! I too came from a home where my mom was always the one yelling, so I can understand how sometimes you just don't think about what you're doing in the moment until later when the 5 y/o is yelling at his little sister. My advice would be to watch how you and your husband resolve conflicts. If you feel like you are getting angry enough to yell, try asking him to take it into another room or even wait till the children are asleep to deal with the conflict. As far as your husband disaplining the kids- It may or may not be helpful for both of you to get together and decide on exctly how you would like to deal with disapline. Do you want him to yell at your son or would you rather him deal with the problem in a more calm manner? Really it's all about communication and patience (which I know is difficult to have when your ticked off! lol) Good Luck J.!

I wish I had some great advice as to how to help past this much. My husband is a yeller too. The big thing that I make a point of doing is not to fight with my husband in front of the kids. I wait and tell him to wait until the kids are in bed sleeping. This give us both a chance to calm down enough to not shout at each other but actually sit down and talk. As for my husband yelling at the kids, I remind him that he only gets to see them so long in the day. His big excuse is that I do it too. I try to remind him that I see them ALL day along and it comes to that point for me. Its doesnt really work for me, but it might help you too. Good Luck!

well in my opinion, kids are what they see, IF you and your husband yell at each other than the kids see nothing wrong with it. You are setting a example for you kids that its ok to yell. Maybe if you and your husband worked on not yelling then it would be easier to tell your child not to yell at his sister? Just my opinion. As far as disapline goes? With all 5 of my kids when they needed corrected I would tell them what they were doing wrong, or why they cant do something etc, i would talk to them calmly if they pitched a fit they had to go sit on the couch( away form toys and tv) till they could calm down and wanted to either apologize or have a better attitude. It has worked great for my kids, Hope you find a solution.
hang in there!
A.

Hi...Your 5 year old son is only repeating what he is seeing and hearing. You must stop this cycle. If you can't do it on a personal level between yourselves, then please seek some kind of counseling...I'm sure there are agencies in your area that can help. Children repeat what they see...and the cycle continues. Only YOU can stop what is so obviously an adult issue. Help yourself. Help your kids. There are better ways to discipline than to yell all the time.