This isn't really a question, but is an issue I'm dealing rather struggling with. I appreciate any comments or feedback, but have to tell you all up front that I don't plan to do a thing about this, it's just something I want to get off my chest, have a pity party on, know if anyone can relate:)
We feel that we do not get near the amount of support from DH's mom as the rest of DH's siblings. We feel that we are looked at as "the ones that don't need anything" so even when we do need a favor there is usually some hesitation to do it or excuse not to do it or delay in doing it. When that happens we usually just say, "Nevermind", because who wants to BEG? Funny thing is we are always the ones family requests to borrow money from and get other favors. (We have stopped lending money.) I don't have parents or grandparents and am not close with my living family as they live quite differently than I do (drinking, drugs and drama). Our requests (the few times we made them) were always pertaining to needing someone to watch our kids while we do something important, such as go to court.
DH is not close with his dad because he's got that amnesia that some men get which caused him to forget that he had kids before his current marriage and new kids, so in times of need DH's mom really is our only option. She is really a very nice MIL and grandma, but it seems that she's into our kids as long as we don't ASK her to watch them at any point. Oh, and she's "that grandma" that thinks they are perfect angels and will butt in if we are correcting them! I get so annoyed sometimes because she talks about sending us on a second honeymoon which we don't need or want her to and wouldn't accept anyway.
She seems to jump up and do whatever his other siblings want and they don't even seem to try to work things out for themselves because they've got her as a crutch.
Anyway, I was just sitting here watching our kids play and thinking about family and thought of this. Do any of you feel this way with any of your family or in-laws?
I stopped asking my mom...and now she says "you never ask me to watch the kids?"...I said "well you kept saying no, so unless you tell me you want to I don't ask!"...
She does a lot with them, doesn't miss games, programs, goes places with us...just since my sister and her son live with her it's been difficult.
To be honest, yes, but sort of.
Our family (husband, self, kiddo) is 3-4 hours away from my parents. They do come into town, however, to see my half-sister and her son. I understand why, though. My nephew is at a time in his life when he really needs a male role model and my dad is doing his best to help in what is beginning to appear to be an uphill journey.
There are some moments when I really struggle with this. I understand why my father feels he needs to be involved, yet it also hurts to hear that he comes into town to visit them and not us. I also know that, as far as things go, my own family has things pretty good. Both parents physically and emotionally present. We are making enough money. Our house has a general sense of harmony. So I can see why there's the perception that we don't *need* my folks as much as my nephew might. Most of the time, I just try to appreciate the big picture and what I do have, but some days, it sure is a stinker.
I can empathize with you a bit. My husband is the youngest of 6 and we are generally the only ones that offer to host anything, especially of course the really big "important" holidays like Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving. So b/c we're the stable couple we have to organize and pay for everything. Well, that's sort of false, I should say that one of his brothers does volunteer sometimes but every time his wife turns into such a martyr about it that I'd rather just do it myself! Plus, my MIL once called me and told me she wanted to come over and talk to me...she basically had an intervention with me b/c I refused to use gates on my stairs. Please.
Anyway, I'm sure you didn't want this to become an In-Law bashing, but I had to tell you that a lot of that sounds familiar to me. I love my in laws (most of them anyway) and family is family, but sometimes it's hard!
Yes, I feel that way often. I don't like to ask for help. We have some unique situations due to my daughter's health (severe bone marrow failure and needs a bone marrow transplant), and it can get to feeling pretty lonely with the lack of help at times that we really need it. Then when we do get help, it doesn't always feel like it's very eagerly given...and we RARELY ask for help...like once a year (literally!).
It's just how my mom and sister are. They really are great people, but they sometimes have a hard time stepping out and helping others because they are pretty wrapped up in their own world. I can be hard to not be hurt over it.
I feel your pain!
I'm on the other side - we seem to be the ones needing a lot of help (due mostly to layoff and illness and such a few years ago). We aren't the only ones, another of my husband's brothers is struggling. But his oldest brother and family seem to have it all together and not need much. I have to say I always feel guilty asking for help, even babysitting or a ride to a Dr's appointment. And it sometimes feels awkward being with the brother and family who don't need much (although I know that they do get gifts and babysitting and stuff, but still). It's so embarrassing, I always imagine them as seeing us as users or something - that we've got this crutch and don't want to do any more. But we are desperately trying to improve things, to pay off old bills, be wise about our spending, even going to school. It's just that things jump up that can't be put off, and we don't know what to do!
Just wanted to let you see the other side :o)
I think I can relate a little to what you are feeling. We are the "stable" family out of my siblings as well. Not that the others are "unstable" as far as family goes... but one sibling has been married less than 4 years and has no kids, so pretty much do whatever they want on their own schedule and can put all their own needs first, with 2 incomes. The other sibling, has had some financial issues over the years that my parents have helped out with several times (again over a 20 year period), had the first grandkids, and now the youngest grandchild, who also happens to have special needs. My husband and I, on the other hand, have 2 kids that are neither the first nor the youngest grandkids, live the farthest away(my parents moved when I was in college, to be closer to my older siblings who stayed near where they went to college), have a decent retirement plan in place, earn a fairly good income and I am a SAHM. From the outside, things look like they came pretty easily to us. My husband, however, has quite the dysfunctional childhood and miraculously turned out pretty "normal" despite it. Perhaps even, dare I say, because of it---he didn't want that for his family/kids.
Anyway... I finally came to the opinion that my parents get something out of "being there" and "helping them out" with my sibling and his family. They get to feel NEEDED. And not just needed, as in convenient (I mean, I could pay a babysitter if I NEEDED one, but just as a convenience I might choose not to) but really needed-- as in, if mom and dad don't do this/help us, we are sunk. THAT kind of being needed. It can be a real draw to some people to be able to pat themselves on the back for ALLLLLL they've done for someone. Interestingly enough, they always manage to share with US how much they've helped out elsewhere--- never $$ figures, but enough info to make it plain that they REALLY went out on a limb or went out of their way, or whatever....
It took me a little time to figure out how I fed into their sharing the info with us... but now I know how to deflect it when something is about to be shared that they "probably shouldn't be telling you"...
It sucks. But I guess even older parents need their egos stroked sometimes... and being independent doesn't do much for that. It seems to make them feel like WE think we can discard them because we don't need them. (Not true. But I think they THINK that way sometimes).
I also get a lot of "we worked hard when you were young and scrimped and saved so we could enjoy things in retirement" ... when they are justifying a big expensive trip. But when you ask if they want to go out to dinner together to a nice local place (for fresh seafood they can't get where they live).. they suddenly can't afford the slightly better things in life... they "have to stay within their budget". Or if they have seen such and such at the movies, or signed up for Netflix to see movies... "we can't afford to do that"---always with a hint that WE are spending beyond our means or are somehow extremely wealthy and aren't concerned with financial matters.
Blech.
I don't have this issue with anyone in my family. Just one thing you said rang a bell for me and that was the part about her thinking your kids are perfect angels and will butt in when you correct them. My mother does this. Drives me I.N.S.A.N.E!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just had to vent a little myself. ;)
I relate. My husbands family is riddled with issues to the point where on one of the rare occasions his grandmother came to visit, she spent most of the time on her phone dealing with drama. It was my son's birthday.
My husband has a steady job (unusual in his family) and provides for his family. We don't *need* anything, and it seems that often their need to feel needed trumps their desire to have a real relationship with this branch of the family tree.
