Family Relation Issue - I Feel Hurt.

In the honest realm. You are older than she is. You have multiple kids. Yes you want the happy happy family aunt / uncle etc. But she didn't grow up with that. It's nice that you want to "acknowledge" her child. why would you need to acknowledge it. that's a weird way to say hey my niece had a baby. She is not at the same age / stage you are. give it time. and if it continues to be one sided then just let it drift away. she was taken away and maybe raised differently. who knows what her life was like while gone.

I can understand being hurt.

She obviously had a traumatic childhood. She may not know what "normal" behavior is when it comes to family/extended family. She may hold resentment towards your whole family. She might associate your sister/you/your kids with her past, bad experiences, or is pulling back because she is envious of your family unit, something she never got to experience. She may feel detached from your whole family, and that extends to your kids. When you have a childhood like that it is hard to trust people. Considering what she went through, she might have major trust issues - what's the point of getting close, since it could end, eventually, anyway?

She is basically the "kid" and you are the elder. While you may have expectations of how she "should" be behaving, we are not discussing someone with a normal childhood or family background. Chances are that you don't know the whole story behind her being taken away & what she was told when it happened.

You have a few choices - tell her your feelings (she may not know what she's doing & how it's affecting others), keep doing what you're doing & accept things how they are, or pull back & keep the contact to a minimum. Only you can decide.

I'm wondering if your niece never learned how to do all the social nice things that the rest of us take for granted. Even if her foster mom tried to teach her, your niece may have been too emotionally traumatized by her childhood to get it. She may have no idea how families function and interact together, like expecting your kids to keep an airspace around her baby.

Please be gracious to this young woman. You probably don't know all she's been through and she may be just figuring out how to socialize with you as she goes. Keep being the good Aunt. You are setting an example for her and in time, she may begin to pick up and follow your example.

Well, since you've written twice in the last several days about this, I would say it is weighing heavily on your mind. Not everyone interacts with others the same way, and not everyone has the same expectations of others. You don't know how she was raised, what she was told, how she was taught to relate to others, etc. I would say, continue to reach out as you feel you want/need to, but don't expect anything in return. She may not have it to give. It is causing you too much stress, maybe it's time to let it go. She may come around, she may not. Focus on your own family/friends whose relationships you do feel fullfilled by.

Well, though she seemingly was raised 'nicely' by the other side of the family.... *maybe* they told her stuff, that was not 'nice' about your side of the family????? Hence, her attitude toward you/your side of the family. And you do not know... how she was "EXACTLY" raised, by the other family. You are an 'outsider.'

And, she was not exposed to your side of the family. During her formative years. Hence, maybe she does not know how to 'behave' toward your side of the family.
Maybe you/your side of the family are like 'strangers' to her, but she knows you are all blood-related.

She does have her own issues. Because, her behavior toward you/your family, is puzzling and not congruous to how you think she should act.

You cannot 'expect' her to act as you think she should act.
She will maybe feel pressured as well.
If she seems selfish.... and want attention for HER baby, well, that is her.
She is the way she is.

She cannot, nor is, the warm and fuzzy 'relative' as you would 'hope' and expect, she is.

She IS old enough, for you to have an 'adult' conversation with her.
But do not, 'expect' her to be, what she is NOT.
Or what you hope her to, be.

This is why Mom's join play groups - so they can meet other Mom's and kids who WANT to play together.
Don't pursue her.
Let her come to you, but realize she might never.
Respect that this relationship is not going to be on your terms.
A card at Christmas once a year is enough.
(Even my immediate family doesn't send cards/gifts to everyone for all holidays. Do you think you might be trying too hard? That can creep some people out.)
Also, being a first time Mom she is protective of her baby.
Lot's of first time Mom's are this way - there's nothing wrong with it.
How many Mom's don't want their child overwhelmed with a mob of other kids?
You feel like there should be a connection because you are family and she doesn't feel that way.
Sorry you are feeling hurt but the best thing to do is just let it go.

Your feelings are hurt. You feel what you feel. She is the way she is and it isnt the same as you, and you cant change her. Learn to love her the way she is and not expect more. Maybe her childhood was so hard for her that she handles family and others differently than you. She is just this way and you cant make her be the same as you. She may feel you are too pushy and wishes you were more like her. Neither is right, neither is wrong. Try not to be so sensitive about how she acts around you and your kids. We cant make people be anything but what they are.

I would wonder what your neice was told about her childhood years. It seems like she has some sort of resentment towards you. Maybe it just makes her sad to see you raising your happy kids. She might see a little bit of your sister in you.
Do you think it would be possible to take her out to lunch without kids, or go on a picnic, and just let her know you have noticed her behavior towards your kids. Maybe she doesnt realize she is doing that.
I dont think you are being too sensitive. It would hurt my feelings. I would be the type to back off. But first i dont think it would hurt to tell her how you feel, otherwise it is just going to eat at you forever.

Diana, your hurt is "justified," in that feelings are feelings, and we don't always get to choose the feelings that land on us. It may be helpful, though, to realize that your hurt is rooted in thoughts you hold about "how it ought to be." In your perfect world, families cherish and care for each other, just because they are family.

And if you fight with reality, reality is going to win, every single time. In the real world, your niece may have even less choice about loving your kids than you have about the disappointment you feel. If she doesn't feel that special family caring, then she doesn't. Can you "make" yourself love somebody? I sure can't – I have tried for decades to "love" my demanding mother and a couple of demanding sisters. The best I can do is accept that they are who they are, and they apparently can't help it.

So, I suggest that you simply accept that your niece will probably never adore your kids, and has never seen it as her job, for whatever reason, to play a game of reciprocity that may simply not be sincere for her. It could be her relative youth. It could be many other things. You'll never know if she has deep-seated resentments, unless she recognizes them and chooses to talk to you about them. But she may not even be able to see her whole internal map – few of us do.

Your earnestness and hopes are sweet, AND they are rooted in your own needs, not your niece's. If you WANT to go on sending her notes, for your own satisfaction, then by all means, do it. But what would happen if you simply stopped? The world will go on turning. No ill feelings are likely to arise. There is even the slight chance that your niece will become curious about why she never hears from you, and contact you.

Whichever way you go, I sure do wish you well.

This is something you need to let go.
We can't change other people's behavior, only our own.
It sounds like she's just not that interested in your kids, or maybe she doesn't have good social skills.
At her age she's unlikely to change so I think you either need to accept who she is or distance yourself if you don't think you can.
I'm also from a dysfunctional family and I gave up expecting anything from them years ago. All I can do is be a good loving person and focus on raising my own kids.
My own mother has never sent cards, gifts or even made a happy birthday phone call to any of my kids, and they are her only grandchildren!
Her reasoning, "oh I just don't do things like that."
Her loss :(

Some people just don't know how to relate, nor do they have any clue as to how to relate to children. Some people are simply selfish. You can either accept her as she is -- I'm sure she isn't going to change any time soon, or you can consider her an acquaintance and move on.
LBC

I can definitely understand where you are coming from... and I'd probably stop trying to communicate and spend time with my 'niece' if someone treated me and my children this way after going out of my way to being friendly and loving.

Maybe something broke in your niece when she was taken away - maybe your sister lied to her about WHY she was taken (like blaming you?)... regardless - I'd cut my losses and concentrate on the goof friends and family I have.

I think you've gone above and beyond...

it's almost like she's holding you personally responsible for being taken away from the family and expecting you to make it up to her...

I say - stop. you've done enough. She sounds self-centered...i realize she's blood - but there are times when you've done enough. She's not going to give back and just resign yourself to that....stop sending cards and expecting anything from her...

If that doesn't work for you - I would confront her and put your beef on the table and say ENOUGH to her face...someone has to acknowledge her bad behavior at one point in her life..

Kudos to you for even trying. I have aunts that have never met my kids or acknowledged them. Some people are just self centered and rude. You have a right to be hurt but don't waste much energy on it. Only do what you want to do for her without any expectation in return. If that ends up being less than what you have been doing fine, if it ends up being nothing then that is fine too. You don't owe her anything and she is the one missing out. Her child could have benefited from a close relationship with your children but she is preventing that by her indifference toward them. I suggest being cordial but not really going out of your way for her. If your sister notices just be honest. You were not responsible for anything that happened to her and she shouldn't take any of her issues out on you and especially not on your children.

Now... I'm responding after your update, so this may be a bit different from some of the early posts. I'm seeing a NUMBER of different issues going on, and I'm going to try and hit most of them:

1) I think you're focusing a lot on "blame". NO it's not your fault that you were not in your biological niece's life as a child or young adult. Absolutely NOT your fault, doesn't reflect on you, you weren't some uncaring absent aunt. HOWEVER... that doesn't change the fact that you weren't in her life. You came into her life when she was already an adult. That's just how it is, and it doesn't matter how/why, the results are the same. You weren't there in any way/ shape/ or form when she was growing up. You were a complete stranger to her when you two met after she was already grown.

2) She has her own family. You are her BIOLOGICAL aunt, but she has her own parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, nieces, nephews, etc., in her adopted family. Just because she was adopted, does not in any way lessen her family obligations nor relationships to her adopted family. They were the ones who raised her. They are her parents, her family. Plus, having a child, chances are better than even that she has inlaws / her husbands family that she has married into. BOTH sets of families, her own and her husbands are going to be higher priority to her than her biological extended family that she didn't meet until she was an adult IF she actually is well adjusted. Her own family is going to be the priority in her life. As it should be.

3) She has her own friends. Friends from childhood, college, work. People she's spent years fostering and developing relationships.

4) She's a young mother (being defined as any mother with children under the age of 2). Young mothers, in my life, get a 'free pass'. Sleep dep alone, but coupled into aaaaaaaaaall the other challenges means she has VERY limited time. Relationships, both deep and of long standing, often suffer or at the very least go into "starvation mode" with young families. Trying to juggle your own is hard enough, trying to balance in both your own parents and your husbands, much less your siblings, his, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends... it takes YEARS for most families to be able to get the "balance" right between their own family and the families they came from (parents, etc.), and their friends, and colleagues. Adding in that your biological niece has TWO families (adopted, and birth family that she has only recently started to reconnect with) doesn't LESSEN the juggling. That she's trying to "fit you in at all" shows that she really does care to, and is probably going to great lengths to.

5) You were an ADULT (I'm assuming, if not skip to 5.5) when she was a child. This has 2 bearings.
- 1, YOU were closer to her, than she was with you/ actually have memories of her when she was a baby/very small.

- And 2, even if you have a young family of your own, you've had and extra FIFTEEN - TWENTY plus or more years of life experience on her. You've learned lessons she doesn't even know exist, yet. If they are OVER the age of two, you've also figured out your own juggling/ get decent sleep on a regular basis. But it seems as if your expectations on her are that of either a close relative, or a close friend. YOU may feel the bond, having known her as a child, but to her, you are an utter stranger that she has met a few times.

5.5) If you were NOT an adult, or at least a teenager, but a "child aunt".. if she had grown up with you, your relationship would still be completely "non-aunt". More like cousins. Since you didn't grow up together, you're "just" another peer. Learning the same lessons, trying to figure things out Like running into someone you knew in kindergarten who moved away. But again, it seems you are holding her to a position as if you two *had* grown up with each other and have that relationship. It sounds as if you want her to fulfill your idea of "x" role.

6) Families do things differently, have different priorities, view roles differently. My own family doesn't send christmas cards or birthday cards. Ever. Instead we have our own traditions. We call and we come on extended visits and catch up. Voice to voice, or in person. Card are considered impersonal and impractical. Not sending a card isn't "slighting" someone. Not CALLING is. But in other families, it's the cards that are important, not phonecalls or visits. In some families complimenting a child is bad luck. In others, not doing so is bad manners. In some families, in others, in some families, in others. Your biological niece was raised in an entirely different family with their own traditions and protocols, but you're holding her to the traditions and protocols of your own family. Insisting, subconsciously or purposefully, that she follow "your" rules / family politics of interaction. She wasn't raised in your family. She's going to follow different rules.

7) Individuals are different. Meaning, even in close families not everyone likes everyone else, and there are different degrees of closeness. Some people pure and simple, don't like children. They love their own, but they aren't "kid people" or "baby people". They can be fantastic parents, but they don't get on well with other people's children. Other people CAN be kid people but completely and totally disagree / have different parenting styles than other people (you see those Q's here on this board all the time, trying to come to some sort of balance with people they like/love but parent in totally different ways). KIDS are also all different from each other (and we already know that your and her parenting methods are quite different, as well as your children and how they react to situations; from your kids mobbing up on hers, and her asking for space, and you getting upset about that). ALL of this adds up to longterm relationships distancing or dissolving. Or new relationships not starting at all. Would you be friends with her if you met her in the park? Would she be friends with you?

_______

What I'm hearing is that you loved your niece very much as a child, but now that she's trying to reconnect with her birth family, you are taking none of the past 20 years into consideration. You want her to follow your family rules, devote as much time and effort into the relationship as if she'd never left the family and been raised by another. If you take into consideration the past 20 years, I think your biological niece is being incredibly brave and pouring a ton of effort in trying to reestablish any kind of relationship with her biological family at all. I'm hearing that you have a lot of expectations on HOW she "should" be doing this, and "who" she is "supposed" to be... instead of just getting to know her for who she is, and recognizing the huge amount of effort she's putting into even having any contact with you or her other biological relatives. Also not taking into consideration that she is doing so at a time when she has so much going on with her own life, and is well within reason and her own rights, to not pursue any kind of relationship whatsoever.

I think you are modeling good family/pro-social behavior. I think you are effecting change in her by just being who you are. Your efforts are not without merit, but she may just not "get it" yet. It is one sided, and it may be just the way it is, but for the sake of the next generation I would NOT cut off communication. Know that you are teaching her to give of herself, something she probably has yet dare to risk, given her upbringing.

I think you should explore why you are so strongly desiring this person's approval and acceptance. You are placing a lot of expectations on her that she isn't obliged to deliver and you are being disappointed when she doesn't. You either need to adjust your expectations and focus on what you DO have through your family (where the energy is probably better spent) or you should lay it all out (loving letter or conversation focused on how much you care about her and her family and hope she'll be able to care about you and yours) and know that could cause her to step back from you, but at least you know you were honest and did what you could. Then wait for when she's ready to pursue a more balanced relationship. And be OK with the wait.

It sounds to me like your niece has never experienced a normal, functional family life; so she really may not KNOW what is normal for a family to do. She also may be kind of "stuck" in the child role, receiving attention, remembrances, and gifts but not really knowing how to take the initiative to GIVE the same. She may also be resentful of you; even though it is not your fault, you were never there for her when she was a child and may have really NEEDED an aunt to love her. It's not logical, but emotions seldom reflect logic. Or it could be that she just isn't fond of children, except for her own. There was an awful woman on this web site a week or so ago who posted a complaint about her friends expecting her to care about their children, she stated that she doesn't like any children but her own, she did not want to babysit or even see her friend's children! Hard to believe, but selfish people like that are out there! Whatever the case may be, you should continue to be a positive influence on your niece’s life, without expecting anything in return, not because it is fair (it's not) but because it is the RIGHT thing to do.

AFTER READING YOUR UPDATE: Say Goodbye, your niece isn't the only one with a "deep seated resentment", the only difference seems to be you keep pushing with calls, cards, gifts in the hopes that she will respond in kind and feel hurt when she does not. Maybe if you back away, she will miss you and your family or just stay away all together. Either way, you will finally have an answer and can stop beating a dead horse.

Blessings...

She probably was emotionally scared as a child when she was taken away from her mother. She sounds like she is pretty withdrawn and not capable of giving affection to anyone other the her own baby and perhaps her husband (if he's even in the picture). Do you know what happened to her during the period she was gone?

You are a giver and a doer (maybe even a little "over doer). She has become a "taker". You are a good aunt, but I would back off a little bit because there's not need for you and your kids to get your feelings hurt. Have you ever thought of letting her know how you feel and ask her how she feels?

Blessings....

You are definitely justified too feel hurt. That stinks all around!

Why set yourself up for disappointments? Let her be. Disconnect yourself from her and get on with your life!

Despite her seeming well-adjusted and all, there still has to be some pretty significant effects of not being raised by either of your parents when they're still living etc. Now that your kids are older, the fact that she doesn't acknowledge them is odd regardless if she was your neice or not. At some point at least one of your kids must have been cute enough to elicit some kidn of response. I respond to stranger's kids sometimes! So I think there's something going on deep down with her but not much you can do about it. I'd either say it bothers you too much to continue to socialize with her so stop or tell yourself she went through a lot and it shows in this way and let it go. She may have some really deep seeded resentment to your side of the family even though it's not justified at all in your case. Have you ever sat down with her to talk about what happened?...

Maybe she doesn't feel the connection with you as you do to her. She wasn't raised around you, and now that she is in your life you have all these expectations that she is going to be the typical neice who has grown up around you and your family. Not to sound mean, but maybe she only wanted a relationship with her mother and it is too much for her to handle you, her aunt. I have not been in that situation, but I would imagine during her separation from you and her mother that she was told some stories about your side of the famiy that may not be happy memories for her. I would also imagine trying to form this close bond as you want from her is hard for her to do in adulthood. Yes, acknowledging your children is something a normal person would do, but some people just don't like kids even though they have their own. Honestly this day in age, it is not typical for people to send christmas cards, birthday cards, and acknowledge you for every holiday. If you wish to continue sending stuff or calling for holidays, don't expect that it will be reciprocated and don't get angry or hurt when it isn't. You are expecting too much from your estranged neice.

You aren't really sure if she behaves this way to everyone. If you want to have a relationship with her, just assume so.

Also, I heard Dr Laura say this years ago, and I try to remember this always: Sometimes in relationships you will always be the one who makes the effort...if you want to maintain the relationship.

Whatever her issues are (justified or not), I would not drag my kids through this drama because there is potential they will be needlessly hurt or confused by it.

Back off and just be civil. Send Christmas and birthday cards. That's about the degree I would be invested in it, especially having my own kids.

Once again this week I agree with Cheryl O.

Good luck.