Family Love

You don't tell us how old your sister is, or what type of issues she is dealing with. You also don't tell us how you feel about your sister, although just the fact that you are asking this question gives me a fairly good idea.
It sounds to me like this person is causing a lot of stress and anger in your life.Unless you can find a neutral ground ( not your home where she has access to your valuables) to connect with her, I would think you would want to limit your interaction with her.
Do you enjoy the time that you spend with her? If she was an acquaintance, and not a relation, would you continue to seek out her company? Is she dependant upon you for living conditions or support in any way? If the answer to all three of those questions is NO, then I would say move on and try to live your life with as little contact as possible.
Some people are never EVER going to change and it just takes a while for us to come to that realization. My husband has a grown son ( In his forties and a father and grandfather himself) who's family is a constant source of conflict for us. i struggle with feelings of guilt because I feel so much differently towards other members of our family than I do towards him and his immediate family. Everytime they "re-enter" our lives it just manages to reopen all of the issues that have plagued us for years. The only time they contact us is when they need something or want something.
I know that I am much better off, limiting the amount of time an energy that I invest in them and my suspicion is that you are going to find that the same is true with your sister.
Good luck!!

this is a really tough issue, but what it comes down to is this: you can't invest in someone who is unattainable. if she makes it impossible for you to have a relationship with her, that's on her. she is making it impossible for you to bring your children around her. your kids are your #1 priority. if you want to try for a relationship, one-on-one with her, that's up to you. but i would not put my family in that position. it took me over 10 years to get that through my head with a key person in my family. i would never put my son in a position to be hurt like i was. and the person proved he would only do it over and over and over again. so my son will never know this person. it's sad but some people are just toxic and damaging, especially for small children.

I hate to admit this, but I haven't spoken to my father, step-mother or 2 sibling in over 10 years. And I actually feel wonderful about this! My relationship with them was completely toxic! And although it took me forever to get over this idea that because we are relatives we must love and care for each other, once I did, live was finally worth living! It is very hard because we are taught that we must love, respect, and care for family, but in some situations it is just too toxic to live with! I now have a much larger "family" (some relatives, some not blood related but family none the less). Sometimes, you need to shed your old skin to grow! And if by some chance, she gets help in the future, feel free to forgive, and allow her back into your life. But remember your children will learn what they see, and you don't want them to learn that stealing and lying is ok, so, at the very least, you may need to at least shelter them from her. I guess what I am saying it that you really don't need to feel guilty, no matter what your decision. Do what you know is right for YOU in your heart. I wish you the best of luck!

I hate to say it but I'm at the point in my life where it's time to get out the toxic and live happy! My brother in law and sister in law are living a life that I don't want my kids exposed to and therefore I don't want anything to do with them. I will see them at family functions but that is it well unless my nieces have a birthday party but nothing else. I even told my mother in law that and she really didn't have anything to say about it. So make peace with it and move on and live a happy life!!! God Bless

Don't allow her to come into your territory. You can meet with her elsewhere. Maybe for lunch or something (obviously you'd be paying). but you'll still have contact with her and your valuables will be safe.

My mom and I have been at odds for 7 years. She is bipolar, but she is also one of the "great loves" of my life, being my mother. I've suffered so many heartaches from her, it would make you throw up just to listen to... but my best advice is this: no matter what, she is still YOUR SISTER.

You need to distance yourself enough from her to keep you and your family healthy... but should never "cut her out of your lives". She needs you. She is not healthy, and that is not her fault. Having a mother that is bipolar has taught me patience (even though some days I still lose it with her), it has taught me love, and it has strengthened her relationship with me. She constantly tests the boundaries and frequently oversteps them. Nonetheless, we love one another. Part of me hates her for her illness, but I would never cut her out of my life. Part of what keeps me grounded in this relationship with her is my faith in God. I know that one day he will restore her and bring her back to a healthy state. I want to be by her side for that moment and I want to know that I made an impact on her life.

Obviously, you need to stay guarded. Know your limits... if she steals from you and makes your house uncomfortable, do not invite her over. Only meet her in a public place, or at her house, etc. If you need a little space from her, that is okay too... take a break. Don't call her as much. Take a little longer in calling her back. But, I URGE you to NOT to break away from her completely. She is reaching out to you and needs you in her life. A thought... What would happen to her if everyone just chose to push her away just because she is unhealthy? When I am sick, I know I need my friends and family gathered around me in a community the most. She is probably depressed and cannot rally for herself... be that person in her life that accepts her no matter what.

I know this sounds easy for me to write this all to you, but trust me... I have been there, am there living what you are RIGHT now. My mom is so sick sometimes I just want to SCREAM. Sometimes I think life would be so much easier and better without her in it. Sometimes I wish she would just "fade" away into the dark and I would not have to deal with her any more... but then I realize that no one is perfect, and this illness affects her much deeper than it will ever affect me. Everyone casts her aside, no one is there 100% for her... and she cannot help it. She's seen a billion drs and switched meds more times than I can count... but at the end of the day, she will still see her daughter standing beside her -- probably full of tears, but I will still be there for her no matter what.

Hope this helps. Hang in there and join a support group... you can do this!!!

It's hard, really HARD when we were raised to believe that family was everything and you stood by each other through the good and the bad times to let go of them. No matter how toxic they are to you. But I have learned the hard way, that some people just need to be let go. When you marry and create your own family you have started a new. It doesn't relinquish your rights to the family you were once a part of but it creates a new dynamic. If that dynamic, for whatever reason, is not working for you then your first and foremost priority is to yourself and your current family.

I have had to do sever toxic relationships with my family and have been estranged from them for over 10 years. I got tired of the broken promises and empty lies of help, assistance, being there, blah, blah, blah. There is only so much a person can take and only you can determine what your FULL line is. The only time I see my family is at weddings and funerals. Period. My husbands family is nearly as toxic but we see them less than 4 times a year and spend very little time with them when we do. And if I see them doing or saying things that are toxic around my kids, I simply remove myself and my kids from the picture and go elsewhere.

Bottom line is you need to determine for yourself what you will endure for the sake of family. It doesn't sound to me like you want your sister to have any contact with your family and certainly not in your home so I would suggest either going to her turf or meeting on neutral ground if you decide to continue the relationship. It's a hard thing to get over the guilt but once you see that your lives are better and not poisoned with the discontent, you'll feel less guilty about the situation and more just sad/disappointed that it had to come to that. The fact remains, you need to take care of yourself first and your current family. They are the ones that matter most.

If you still love her, care about her, etc. you can interact with her, but you don't have to have her in your home to do it. Neutral territory for family get-togethers if that works out. If she's not dangerous, and the family interaction is good for her, and it's not harmful, keep the connection. But if she's dangerous, you have to take care of your family first.

My sister is going through some very hard times and I wouldn't feel comfortable with her living with me, but she could visit. I have only a polite conversational relationship with my mother. I can't say she would be welcome in my home for more than an hour, and I wouldn't leave my son with her, ever. Sad, but true :(

Hold on to your family if at all possible. God put us in families for a reason.
Go ahead and do what you have to, hide your valuables, etc. We probably all have some of these problems or others in our families. It certainly isn't easy though. You need a lot of prayer.Also, if you have a husband and ,children they must come first. All I know is that she is your sister and if at all possible, don't sever ties with her. If you can spend some time in other places with her, other than your home, that would be probably be good, especially if it gives you some one-on-one time. God does not give up on us and gave His son to save us from our sins so do not give up on your sister.

Life is just too short. You have obviously made an effort and I applaud you for that, but it sounds like you have done all you can. Let her go. Focus on your husband and family, because that is your true family. Start your own traditions, build your own memories and don't let this girl bring you down anymore. And then don't look back.

Hi S.,

My husband and I have had to make decisions regarding family that have been hard ~ we have come to the decision that although we may be related to them, we do not have to let them into our world! We have been married for almost 20 years and during that time his family has tried many time to cause problems between us! It comes down to YOU have to decide how much you want them in your life. My husband has a son who is NOT allowed in our home because we can't trust him! He will steal things to support his drug habit! We have been through so much with him, drug treatment, etc...Bottom line we can't help someone who doesn't want to change their lifestyle, but we can determine how much they will be a part of our life. We still see him ~ meet him for lunch but we do not allow him in our home!!! It's a tough choice to make, but although we are taught to love one another, especially family, at times we have to decide if the relationship is something that we should keep to a minimum. YOU will have to decide how much you see your sister, no one can make that decision for you. I know it is hard and sometimes can seem cruel, but you have yourself and your family to protect!!