Family Bed and Now We Need the Kids Out

Hi!
This is a really hard habit to break for most people. I have the same issue some nights and my son is 8. We got the book Macy the Sleep Fairy- it was recommended by the sleep center at the Med Center actually. I could quote you the book right now if you like- Now stay in bed all snug and warm and try to fall asleep for if you stay in bed all night you will get a special treat. Katie got a red ribbon for her hair and Molly got a little doll. And on and on, it's a cute book- my son likes it- and actually will stay in his bed if I break down and read it to him-my son is at an age I have a hard time finding small cheap gifts for him-Good luck!

I agree with Jessica S. You have to just do it now and be strong. I have a friend that has the same problem but now he is 8. She started trying when he was 4 and was not firm with him and now it has went from a comfort thing for her in the beginning to him being scared to sleep anywhere else but mom's bed. Good luck, J.

I really like what Jenn B. said. The only thing I would add to that is: To help the children feel safe (especially in the middle of the night) is to walk them back to bed, tuck them in, give them a kiss. I think this helps a child feel secure in their own bed.

I never really let my kids sleep with me all night because I couldn't sleep but a lot of times they would come in the middle of the night to snuggle. I wanted them to feel secure in knowing that they could come to me even in the middle of the night but I didn't want them sleeping with me all night long. So I would tell them that they could snuggle for a few minutes and then they would have to go back to their bed. when a few minutes was up I escorted them to their beds and tucked them in. This worked fine because I set the boundary and stuck to it.

However you help your children stay in their own bed you have to set up clear boundaries and then stick to it - no matter what. The boundaries or rules you set up for them cannot change even if they are sick, scared, etc. If you show any weakness in changing the rules they will see the weakness and push as hard as they can. You and your husband both need to be on the same page. If one of you is willing to give in - you have already lost the battle. Don't give up and be united.

They'll stop when they stop. I can't even remember so far back when my older kids were being moved to their own beds. But for the the most part it was around 4-5 when they stopped coming to our bed. We just bought ourselves a king size bed to try to keep my husband in the bed with me. He didn't like the kicking.
I am in the process of moving my almost 2 year old out of our bed and into his sister's bed who is almost 5. It is going really well.
I just lay him down with her and stay with them until they are both sleeping.

I know this is a touchy subject, with people on both sides of the isle. Sure, it was nice when your baby slept in your bed, you felt close and bonded, but now you're looking to get them in their own bed. Good for you! There are many reasons why it's important for children to sleep in their own bed, and if you can realize the importance, it will help you to handle the children at night when they try to get back in your bed.

First, I would tell you that your bed should be a place for you and your husband. This is sacred space, girl! You've got to explain to the children that mom and dad sleep in this bed and children sleep in their own bed. They are all old enough to understand! And, most importantly, they'll appreciate seeing the positive relationship you and your husband have by sharing a bed together - you want them to sleep with their spouse when they are older, right?? So, show them by example that mom and dad sleep together and that is one way you become a better mom and dad!

Second, set a date with the kids. For example, say "On Friday, you will start sleeping in your own bed! We're going to look at the calendar and get ready for it! This is really special for you because you are growing up and you get to do more things, like sleep in your own bed!!" Get them pumped up about it, let them pick out a set of sheets or a new blanket for their bed! Make it special and make it fun!

Now comes the hard part. They will probably get out of their bed. They will try to get into your bed. Choose a phrase and get it in your head that you will say this phrase when the kids try to sleep in your bed. Maybe something like, "This is mommy and daddy's bed, you will sleep in your bed now." or "Go to your bed, honey. I love you." I'm telling you, you can't say anything else. Just your little same phrase. They will kick and scream and throw and little fit because they know you are tired and eventually you will just say ok. But, you aren't going to do that any more! You are just going to say "Go to your bed." Then, if they go, great. If they don't, you will pick them up and carry them into their bed. You will be tired. You will keep doing it. It might be hard the first couple of nights, but after 3 nights, it will get easier, and by the end of the week, they'll be sleeping like champs!

Keep reminding yourself that you want your children to grow up into independent and strong adults. They will not be able to do this if they keep sleeping in your bed! You want the best for them, so show them how to do this so that someday they can be successful adults! You will be so proud of yourself when they are sleeping in your bed, that you will probably treat yourself to a spa day or pedicure! You can do it! Good luck!

My kids slept with us for 5 years. We transitioned during the summer because I am a teacher, and that was a good transition time. We set up their room to make it into someplace they would actually want to sleep in. We also lay down with the kids until they fall asleep. Usually it's me, but my husband does it when I am out.

Yes, they still sometimes crawl into our bed in the middle of the night, but so do most kids. I love cuddling my kids and when you work Fulltime, I think it's even more important to maintain that connection.

However, you also need that physical connection with your husband. If he is sleeping in a different room, he is probably feeling left out. Are there two bedrooms on the same floor so that you can have time to snuggle with your hubby, but that the kids don't have to navigate the stairs when they wake in the middle of the night? If night, I would start with a mattress on the floor solution.

Good luck. I know it's hard, but I have never believed in the cry it out method. I want to transition when my children are ready to understand what it going on.

First, I want to commend you for caring about your children's needs for closeness in the early years. Though some may suggest it is not wise to allow your children to sleep with you, many others know it is an excellent, nurturing, healthy, and safe choice to sleep with your babies. My daughter moved out of my bed at around 9 months. It was an easy transition for her - I was expecting it to be much harder. My son slept in his crib early on because he was/is such a squirm and needed his space to move about and fall asleep. Now that he is 2 1/2 and in a "big boy bed" - he has turned from going to sleep on his own to wanting papa to stay with him for awhile until he is asleep. He has a twin bed, so there is room for both of them. I think he just needs the extra closeness right now in these tough toddler years. My husband will often fall asleep with him, and then I go wake him up later to come to bed with me. I like the idea others have suggested of having a mattress on the floor in your room. I guess the point I am trying to make is that you are not alone. It would be nice to be able to turn the parenting switch off at night, but we can't do that. I disagree with the advice to lock children in rooms or force them to be alone when they are needing you. In my opinion, it is more important to listen to the needs of your children and gently nudge them toward independence at night. These years won't last forever. It won't be long before we'll be missing cuddling with our little ones. I would recommend going to Mothering Magazine's website. They have a very active discussion board and forums on co-sleeping and natural family living. You will be able to talk to lots of like-minded mamas and get some good advice that way as well. Also, Dr. Sears is an excellent resource.

The first thing I want to say is DON'T LISTEN to the people who say a family bed is bad and people should never do it. There is a decreased level of SIDS deaths in children who sleep in family beds and family beds also promote well balanced, happy children. Just because a family bed is not what one person wanted to do, or didn't work for them, that doesn't mean it is wrong for you!

Having said that, my son slept in bed with me till about a year and half of age. I then switched him to a small mattress on the floor in my room. He didn't want to stay in it at first, but I CONSISTENTLY put him back in the bed, calmly but firmly. He got used to it, but it took a month or so before he quit trying. Then he would wake up and crawl in in the middle of the night. Once again, I would consistently put him back in his bed, telling him it wasn't light out yet, not time to get up.

Once morning came, he would wake up and come to my bed. THEN he could crawl in with me, snuggle, and maybe even fall back asleep for fifteen minutes or so. We still got snuggle time. And when I put him to bed he always gets quality time, books read, songs sung and snuggles. Within a few months he was doing so well it was easy to transfer him to his big boy bed in his own room. We made his room a fun, happy place and I still lay down with him to read books, sing and snuggle for a half hour before bedtime. It winds him down and gets him in the right mindset for bed. He knows he can't sleep with me, but that he gets snuggles before bed and as soon as he wakes up. Consistency, love, and patience.

Congrats on your family bed and good luck with the switch. You CAN do it!

S.

I know what you are going through, I went through it and it was me that got booted out. So what I did since he started preschool. I said you are a big boy and you need to sleep in your bed. He does complain but as soon as I put him back in bed he will stay there. If they need to sleep with you to fall asleep then put them in there room and make a bed on the floor for you, then when they fall asleep then move out into your bed. Do that for a couple of weeks and it should be fine. I find that we as parents are more scared to do things for the sake of our children because we don't want tantrums in the middle of the night. It worked for me and I hope and pray it will work for you.

One work "consistent" you need to be consistent and not give in and let them sleep with you. It's difficult to break them of this but it is possible. You and your husband will need to work together and both be strong. It will probably take a few weeks and a lot of crying but it will eventually work out. Try bringing them shopping and letting them pick out their own "special" big kid bedding.
Good luck!
A.

In our case we try to establish the girls to go to bed in their room M-Th. then F-Sat. in our room. It doesn't always work that way. The youngest takes up to 2 hours to get her to stay in her room and sleep. My husband started shutting the bedroom door and she throws a fit but then falls asleep. A child door knob cover helps to not open the door or a lock. Since you don't want them in your room I'd consider locking them in the room or if that isn't your thing then I suggest to be consistent and put the kids back in their room. It may be exhausting but if you keep doing it hour after hour I think they'll give up and sleep in their room.

When my kids are asleep I open the door and in the early am the youngest comes to our room then the oldest follows if she wakes up. We put a toddler mattress on the floor so we don't have both in our bed.

ask dr sears Web site is always helpful! Here is a response that may help - Good Luck! J.
My question is how do I get my 14-month-old who has never slept without me or has never fallen asleep without nursing to start out in her own crib at night and during the day for naps? During the day for naps I would nurse her to sleep or she would go to sleep in the car and then I would either place her (when she was really small) on the sofa or I would take a nap with her. Now because of safety reasons I need to put her in a crib when she naps if I can't sleep with her. At night I would nurse her to sleep and either my husband or I would hold her or fall asleep with her in our bed. The problem is we can't leave her in our bed as she falls or crawls out of it while we're not there. I just need to get her in her own crib for naps and to start out at night, other than that I love having her in our bed at night. We have tried to put her in her crib, before or after she has fallen asleep and this simply terrifies her. She cries and screams for us. I have tried everything, a bedtime routine since birth, picking her up rocking her to sleep then trying it again. Whenever she looks at her own bed now she screams, thinking we are going to abandon her. Help!"
Let’s see, it sounds like you have a great situation, where all three of you are enjoying enough sleep and enjoying each other’s company. But now you are worried about safety. Sure, switching to a crib is one solution, but most co-sleeping toddlers don’t go for that. They enjoy your company, and making a big change like this is tough at this age. If you are really ONLY concerned with her falling out of your bed, then it is time to make it safer. I generally recommend that parents make their bed as low as possible – by removing the frame. With just a box spring and mattress, the fall is not too far – and there WILL be falls. Then you just have to be sure that the room is baby-proofed, so that when she wakes up from a nap, she won’t get into trouble.

Often the transition out of parent’s bed involves changing to a small mattress instead of a crib. This mattress can be placed near your bed, and then eventually moved into her own room. See my FAQ entitled “will my three-year old ever learn to sleep by herself?” for more discussion.

I don't think bribbing will help in the long run and will teach them they can control you with it.

I have to disagree with the one who said that it doesn't do any harm to sleep in parents bed, seems that the fact that all the sudden they have to give up their bed and move into another could cause insecurities. I also know a child in our small town who died sleeping in bed with her parents when she got caught under one of their pillows. She was 6 months old.

I am one who never had the kids sleep with me, they had their bed, we had ours and in the long run, it was the right choice, they grew up to be secure and happy, but that isn't going to help you now.

Maybe if you try giving them a choice of sleeping in the double bed or in the toddler bed it will make it easier, if they chose your bed, just remind them it is not in their choices. You could get one of those little pop up tents and let them sleep in there, it would be fun and new for them and so they may really go for that.

Good luck.

I have the same problem, with only one child however. Once you get some advice, would you mind sending it to me??? That would be great!!!
T.

Hi M.,
Our son always slept with us at some point during the night. When i was pregnant and he was about 2 1/2 I couldn't take his moving around in bed with my big belly so we made up a bed on the floor for him. It didn't take too long for him to adjust to it. He would always tell me he was 'here' then i'd cover him up. My daughter then was always in bed after she was born too. We moved when she was 1 1/2 and our bedroom has a hardwood floor. We ended up buying a king size bed as she still comes in around 3 or 4 am. She's 4 1/2 now. My almost 7yr.old son only comes in if he has a bad dream. It's more difficult with them to be on the floor because there isn't any carpeting (i'm thinking of putting an area rug down). My daughter doesn't like to sleep alone in her room. Three of the walls were knotty pine and it was just scaring her. We have covered two of them and her bed is turned so she can't see the other one. Most of the time both kids sleep in my son's room (until Madi comes to our room) either both on the floor or taking turns in the twin bed with the other kid on the floor. Maybe both will sleep in the other room upstairs. I would definately try making up a 'bed' on the floor in your room though...they can have a 'campout'! Good luck to you.

M.; yes this does tire one out, well there is a few things you can do, first of all when the kid is asleep you can carry them to their bed, this is also very tiring, and hard to do with different levels, this is what me and my husband did with our 3 boys, we put a small mattress under our bed, like the toddler bed, crib size, mattress, we would have this bed made up and when the kid came into the room we would comfort them and then lay them down on that bed and pat their back or hold their little hand while they went back to sleep, this worked great to meet both needs, me and my husband could sleep in the bed, and the kids could sleep in our room, and we could even take care of business with them fast asleep on the floor on a matress, (ahem) if you know what i mean, any way , its worth a try, they will eventually go to their own room, maybe they both need to sleep together also, the matress should be big enough so they cant roll under the bed, any way , i hope it works, any way , you and your husband should keep your relationship going and keep your bed space, so a compromise might just work, any way , enjoy life and have a good day , D. s

do this very very delicatly. this is an important thing to your children, and KUDOS to you for allowing them to have this time with you!! not many parents do it, but i believe that those who do end up with happier, easier to bed children! :D

you can first of all just try to wean them out of your bed by putting them in a bed or on a matress in your room.
this is the easiest for them because they know you are right there, and they will probably take to it quickly. they might not and thats ok. just take it slow, dont ever force anything, and expect that at some time through the night, they might try to climb back into bed with you. this is ok, you deal with that however you feel necessary. it sounds like you are a mom with clear strong instincts to her childrens needs, and thats the best. you will instinctivly know if your child is just looking for reassurance or if they had a bad dream or something and need to lie with you for a while.

just be patient like you have been, and they will sleep in their own beds. :D its such a short time, and its good to indulge a little in it. theres nothing wrong with it! :D

Hi M.
What I did to get my children to start sleeping by themselves is we put their beds in our bedroom with us so they knew we where right there but they were still in there own beds which then made it much easier to put them in ther own rooms when they got older. Me and my husband just used a diffrent room when we needed alone time. Good Luck T.

It's going to be a lot of work. And you'll have to be really consistent about it and not "slip" one night because it's just too easy. I would start by having a talk with them, saying that from now on, they WILL be sleeping in their own beds. Make sure you emphasis that you mean it. Say that if they get out of their beds, you WILL put them back in their own bed as many times as it takes for them to stay there. Then you must do it! It's not going to be easy for them or you, but that's how you have to do or, or it will not work. Good luck!

Cold Turkey, Megahan, I think you need to move them to their beds and stay strong for the duration and it may take awhile given you have a 4 year old and that may be a tough habit to break. I have a 20 month old and a 3 year old and they sleep downstairs, while my husband and I sleep upstairs. He has never had a problem finding my room in the dark if he needs me.
Based on the postings, it seems this fairly common. For all of the new or expecting mothers reading these posts, don't allow your children to share your bed! It is so important that you are your husband have a place to be together. I never started this habit and even when my son comes to my room, I bring him right back to bed. At this point he rarely ever gets out of bed unless he has a bad dream. Your children are fine without you. Your marriage needs the same devotion you have for your children and boundaries need to be set and I think the bedroom is the best place to start.