Falling Out with Best Friend, Need Advice

I think that you have to accept that you guys aren't friends anymore and move on. friends don't do that to one another. She has treated you very bad. Why? Who knows. Maybe she doesn't like you as much as she used to. Maybe she is jealous of you. Maybe she IS depressed. Maybe she is enjoying this 'game' and watching you jump for her. But at the end of the day-you really don't have to put up with it. Stop calling her and reaching out. You sound like a great perosn who will make somebody a wonderful BFF-just not her anymore.

It sounds like her head is not a good place right now. She's playing the victim. You've done a lot to try to salvage the friendship but I think it is time now to focus on other friendships that are more positive and fullfilling. If your friend eventually works her issues out and comes around again, great. If she approaches you and tells you that she needs help, I'm sure that you will graciously help her out as much as you can. Until then, I just think that the two of you are two different life paths right now and to try to hold onto this friendship because the two of you have known each other for so long is just setting yourself up for heartbreak.

Sorry that you are having to go through this.

maybe this is just me--and it probably is--but no friend is a priority when you're mothering, married, and working. those 3 are enough in the priorities department--and she should understand that, because she should have the same priorities. That was just my experience when i was married and working full time without kids. now im a single mom and full time student--and i love my friends, but my priorities are my daughter and my education, and i have little time for much else. from what youve said, and from my own personal experience with a "best friend" like this, she sounds miserable with her life and so she wants to suck the life out of you. its not your fault that youre not miserable enough with what you have to want to devote all of your time to her.

I think that either she is a negative person by nature and as you have gotten older and grown, you are starting to notice it and don't like that about her, or she is depressed, so overly negative. And so instead of seeing you as a friend right now, because you didn't sympathize with everything that she complained about, she sees you as being kind of mean.

So I would just ask yourself, has she always been kind of negative but it didn't bother you long ago because you used to be more that way, too? Or do you think she is going through a bout of depression? Either way, you have already apologized and put a lot of effort into apologizing and now it's time to just let it go. If she ever comes back, and you think it was just depression, you can be her friend again, but if she is the former, she won't come back.

I know how hard it is to find a best friend. I understand you want to do everything in your power to save the relationship. once YOU know you have done everything possible, back off and leave the ball in her court.
She could be depressed or like someone said, maybe you outgrew her.
I don't know. I do know that it sounds like you have gone above and beyond to make it work. :0) I wish you peace and a new best friend.

Well I've probably been the depressed friend for a lot of my life so maybe I can give you some insight. I don't know what her situation is but if she doesn't have anyone to unload on, she might have thought that was your role as her friend. Not saying it's right, I just know I leaned on my friends way too much and I lost a lot of friends before I learned that people don't want to be around you if you're negative. To preserve my friendships, I put on a happy face when I go out now. If her circumstances are such that she probably really needs a shoulder to cry on, I think you have 2 choices: 1) Move on and let her learn the natural consequences of being negative (like I did) and I don't think you should feel guilty if that's what you decide or 2) Volunteer to be there as a shoulder to cry on part of the time as long as she'll put on a happy face part of the time. I have one friend like this - although in her case, she needs to unload sometimes too so it's a mutual thing. Now we'll announce it - "I have to talk to someone" or "Today's my turn to whine" and we only do it on the phone. We do the happy face thing when we go out. It works great and we joke that it's cheaper than therapy.

Sometimes it's very hard to face ourselves when we know we're not doing all we can to make our life all it can be. It sounds to me like you've held a mirror up to your friend's life and she's not happy with what she sees. So, instead of making positive change for herself, she's taking her frustrations out on you.

I would recommend that you stay in touch in fairly non-intrusive ways. Post a "thinking of you" on her facebook page or email her a quick note every couple of weeks. Reiterate that you're there for her when she needs a friend. Then, move on. Try to find a new friend. Live a happy, positive life. When you're friend is ready, she'll get back in touch.

I have a handful of close friends and we "cycle" through these tough times. Sometimes it's me that's in a funk. Other times it's them. We all know we're there for each other, a phone call away. But, we also know when we just have to work it through on our own. In some cases, it's a few weeks absence; in other cases, it's a few years apart. It's tough, but you're smart not to waste time on the negative. Life's just too short for that.

Good luck.

I have a best friend since high school, we have been friends on/off for 25 years. We recently started talking again this year. It's not that we had a falling out, but like one poster said, friendships change as do people. We are both married with families and our priorities are different. I respect my friend and she does me. Neither one of us imposes upon the other or makes the other feel bad...true friends do not do that to one another. A true friend respects you and accepts you no matter what. Your friend is expecting too much from you....sorry, but she sounds like a drama queen. You, on the other hand, have been an amazing friend and have proven that by your actions. I think she needs to grow up and take care of her own issues, not make you feel bad. Did you ever think that maybe she is jealous of you? She doesn't sound very mature. In the meantime, I would give her space and focus on your own life. If she is a true friend, she'll come around eventually.

Hope this helps,

M.

I completely agree with Julia G. Married people with children do not make their friends their priorities. Their spouse, their kids and their jobs are their priority. It seems like your best friend wants to be married to you? Is she secretly in love with you? She is putting way too much pressure on you! A best friend shouldn't and wouldn't do that. Something is wrong with her. A trip to a psychiatrist seems to be appropriate. She could probably benefit from depression medication. I would have your husband talk to her husband, and try to get to the bottom of this. I bet her husband knows exactly what is going on w/ her - hopefully he will tell your husband. If your friend doesn't shape up, I would forget her. She is behaving like a drama queen and I don't even understand why she is upset w/ you. You did nothing. This is crazy.

This is so sad. you have lots of answers and I am coming in late. I totally feel sad for you. I love my friends and just hate the fact when we don't agree or they don't want to spend time together.
Have you heard of needy friends that constantly need attention and encouragemnet because they are down in the dumps ? I have had this issue and what worked for me is to let her be. Send a short and sweet card every two weeks telling her that your praying for her or thinking of her. And that is it. Just keep in touch but not with the voice. mail it.
She may come around. But I think she may like the attention right now that you are over whelming her with your niceness. But like Kay said, you have done everything you can.

My 2 cents...

People change. Friendships change. People discover different interests; we juggle ever-changing responsibilities. Friends grow apart.

I don't think you will ever feel the same with her as before this incident. If that was possible, she would have let it go already... This fall-out will unfortunately always be the "elephant in the room".

If it was me, I would not say anything further on the topic to her nor to her husband. Ball is in her court. If she wants to be friends, she will need to make the effort. Otherwise, I would move on... Always cherish the memories but having a friendship which requires you to walk on egg shells and watch what you say is not a real friendship. Friendship shouldn't be that difficult. Time to find a new BFF!

Just because the men are best friends doesn't mean you have to be best friends also. When you and her are together, just be that same ol' you... Nice, pleasant, etc.; but no special treatment towards her.

Bummer! It sounds like your friend is going through a rough patch in her life and for whatever reason it is spilling over into your friendship. I have had some similar experiences and cut ties with people who couldn't be a positive influence in my life. I'm feeling really good about it...BUT here's what hindsight has influenced for me:

Maybe try not to take it too personally and extend some compassion to her. It sounds like you are extending compassion, but it also sounds like you miss her dearly and are trying to be closer to her when maybe she just needs some space to be able to find clarity. It's possible she has other stresses influencing her and that frequent contact from you maybe is the scape-goat for not addressing those other things. Maybe it's easier to exert her negative energy towards you that the actual things happening in her life that are impacting her so much.

I might suggest to continue caring for her, continue viewing her as a friend, but maybe let time pass and leave the ball in her court for how frequently she wants to see you and your family. Let her invite you to events. And if a lot of time goes by then try not to carry hurt or a grudge. Maybe try to view her as someone who needs more space than usual and wish her well...this means not spending your time away from her e-mailing her frequently or calling, and it definitely means not thinking about how horrible it is that she's ignoring you. I guess what I'm trying to say is to let her carry this weight because it seems to belong to her, and wish her well. Then when she does contact you, find a way to be genuinely happy and curious about how life has been since you last spoke.

If you don't think you can or should have to do any of this, that's ok too. Cut your losses and move on. I won't say that I regret not having the same friends I used to because they were pretty selfish and would have made my life as a new parent impossible and very hurtful I'm sure, but I do wish I didn't get soooooo hurt myself by it all. Because life is a journey where people join us for different periods of time and sometimes, it's just time to go a different direction. But sometimes, it's okay to walk alone and rejoin them later too:)

Hope this makes sense and helps in some way!

She has made it plain in every way she can that she is over the friendship. Move on.

I know it hurts but she is very unwilling to forgive you and it's been months and months of you making all the effort. I would say so long and go out and get back with the other friends you mentioned or even just make new ones.

I would speak w/ur husband about it. If ur husband & hers r that close then they should be able to see what's going on. If she is depressed you don't want to leave it alone, but someone needs to do something. But it is obvious she doesn't want that someone to be you. It is very noble of you to try to do all of the things you have done, but it sounds very exhausting in the same sense. Good luck.

Give her some space.