Facebook Has Been the End of It

Rent and watch the movie Fireproof - even if you have to watch it alone - for the sake of the kids - it is not too late...

Sounds like he's not feeling loved and looking to feel gratified by Facebook friends. Don't worry about Facebook.
Try to reconnect with him. Think back to that wedding date. So sad to lose what was there. Be honest with him, and tell him what you feel.

M. M, I am a 61 years old man and have been privvy to all sides of the issues: yours, his, the children's, financial. Facebook or the Internet is just a cheap communications medium. 20 years ago, he'd be finding someone, somehow, and meeting them secretly in person or by phone. Facebook is not the problem.

You have stopped communicating; in your frustration, you both have sought relief so you can "cope." That you still 'love' him means you are predictable to him, and he uses that to his advantage. Right now, he says "It's no big deal" to back you off. He probably uses this as justification that this is all okay. It obviously is not. You want him not to love her more, and to want you and your children most, but you want him to make that choice and you not to drive him away.

You need a good family therapist to decide if you want to save this marriage, and if it's yes, guide you through values clarification and renewal. Because you 'still love the guy' and stay, you have little leverage to affect change. And it is because you still love him and your children, you can still demand attempting to fix your marriage. You must muster the courage to seek professional guidance. Ask someone you trust in your area (minister, social worker, a support group, your telephone book of community services, etc.) who is good at marriage and relationship counseling. You may be surprised what resources are available locally without applying to Dr. Phil.

You will learn to renew your love or continue to spiral down. May you have courage to face this situation and the leadership of love to draw him back to the values that united you in marriage and parenthood.

Just wanted to echo what so many others are already saying... counseling. In the meantime:

Please do not give up and just go the "easy" route of divorce. From my own experience I would say that 7 or 8 years really is when the "honeymoon" phase starts to fade.... That's why the "7 year itch" is a cliche! You both get a little too comfortable and start behaving more like roommates than lovers/spouses. It's part of the routine of life with kids and responsibilities. It is not easy and anyone who thinks that marriage is easy or always perfect and every husband and wife stay SOOO IN LOVE with their spouse every single day is just deluding themselves. That is not the real world. It is fantasy land.

You might consider reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You may not agree with her straightforwardness on the radio, or her religious ideas... but she is right on the money about how relationships work. And that is all her book is about, the husband/wife relationship. Trust me. I bought the book myself, because I secretly knew that I was not being the kind of wife I should be... (slacking on the housework and meal prep, too worn out for the bedroom after dealing with kids all day, starting to pick and nag about routine habits around the house, etc...) It is what I call "marriage creep"... the little things just creep up on us and become bigger issues than what really matters to us in the big scheme of things. Your spouse not liking the way you sit on the sofa when there are dirty dishes in the sink is small potatoes compared to your kids not having their daddy at home with them every night.

I started trying the things in the book that Dr. Laura talks about, and within 2 weeks my husband said to me " I don't know what's going on, but I like it." How is that for a recommendation?? And I was loving do the things in the book!! Even if you don't "feel" like it, do it as an experiment even!

Please do not give up. And please don't blame your husband. In fact, don't go around blaming anyone... just realize that life happens, and you need to take back your life/marriage from the dirty laundry pile and spiff it up a little. Clothes get dirty when we wear them. Marriage can too. A little maintenance is required. So long as you both sit back waiting for the OTHER one to change... then nothing changes. Somebody must go first, and really, isn't your marriage worth you sucking up and going first? If it all falls apart because nobody went first, how good are you gonna feel because YOU didn't give in? smaaaaallllll consolation.

God Bless!

p.s. one more thing: Love is a verb. It is not an emotion, contrary to what society wants you to believe. Love is ACTION. To love someone you must DO loving acts to/for that person. You said you love him.... but are you loving him? Just something to consider...

OMG, with the exception of the online cheating, sounds like you were writing about my ex. Always nasty, snapping at me, never had anything nice to say, very cold toward me, taking advantage of all I do, etc. Sorry but facebook is not the problem, the woman he is seeking out is not the problem, HE is the problem. He is use to taking advantage of you, using you as his mental punching bag, and his bad attitude toward you is not going to change. Some men are just like this, selfish and stupid. If you think it is worth a shot, then try to get counseling to save this marriage. If not, please don't waste your life living in misery. You can live separate lives and share the children. There are some men out there that would treat you with respect.

Victoria and John had some very good words to offer. Mine probably won't come across as eloquent as theirs, but I wanted you to hear from my perspective.
Facebook is not the problem. I've got friends that are family, friends that are old friends and friends that are ex's on there. We all talk about our families and what's going on in our lives. Most of it is kept light and casual, but with some you can really get a different perspective from someone outside of the situation... as in... exactly what you just did by asking us this question. Look at it more like that. But the talking about sex with her... I would ask him to end that. Let him know that it crosses a line with you that you aren't comfortable.
Divorced life is no bowl of cherries! If you can... do everything possible to save your marriage. Sure, sometimes it seems easier to just get him out of your life and move on, but it really isn't. It causes a lot of problems that last many years. Especially since your children are still very young. Do you want them to have to pack their things and go stay with dad at different times of the year. You will still have to communicate with him to parent. It's not easy and it should be avoided if at all possible. Don't go there unless you absolutely have to.
From my perspective it looks like both of you have dug in to your trenches and are refusing to give to get back together. You say you don't feel loved, so you won't have sex. (stubborn behavior that never pays off for either of you) He says if you give him sex, he will show more love. (this one is pretty typical of most men) It's a strange cycle that goes both ways. When you're both holding out, it just gets worse and worse. But if one of you starts trying to fix it, and gives in and just does it, the other will reciprocate and it gets better and better. But it takes effort and someone willing to put in the effort. Change starts with you. No matter who that "you" may be. If you want change, you have to change how you act and react to your life. Is there something you can do to help the situation. Your post makes it sound like a dreary home to be in. You don't want to cook or clean or anything like that (which I understand!) But do you put in any effort for yourself? Are you puttering around in sweats feeling miserable all the time when you are home? Put in some effort and you will be rewarded. But don't give up... and certainly don't blame.

Whatever you do, absolutely do not put up with this garbage! He's having his cake and eating it to....someone to do his laundry and raise his kids and then someone to flirt with and send sexy messages to. Hell no! He probably figures just what you said - you can't afford to do anything about it, so you're stuck. I'm not sure exactly what your particular situation is financially, i.e. you own a house together or whatever, but there is always another way. Even if you file for legal separation (which might be cheaper?) he'll be required to pay child support and then you can kind of organize your life a little. Sometimes even your pediatrician's office has resources for moms that are struggling with divorce, etc. You might want to ask them. Keep in mind, too, that your children are seeing the way he treats you when he's complaining about everything, and I'm sure you don't want them growing up thinking that's acceptable. Good luck to you, Sweetie. I'm so sorry for your situation. I know you love him as the father of your kids, but you can't live like that.

Hang in there,
Jen

First, I want to say that your sex issues are classic and you and your husband are not the only couple facing exactly the same issue (this is from experience in my own marriage!). The next thing I want to say is that while the Facebook thing is a problem, it is actually a symptom of the real issues. GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELING! My husband and I have to do this every once in a while to get our heads on straight and reconnect to each other and what is really important to us. This helps ENORMOUSLY! Of course marriage counseling only works if both of you want to save your marriage. If your husband does not want to work on saving your marriage, you have little control over that. Then, you need to go to counseling yourself to figure out how to get on your own two feet and become less afraid of the unknowns of being on your own. Hopefully, the Facebook thing is just a cry for attention and your husband will want to work on your marriage. You have to be honest with him and have a long talk with him while the kids are not around (there may be some heated discussion before things calm down and you can both get a grip over everything to make some long term decisions on things, like marriage counseling).

Relationships are not ever smooth going and when finances and kids are in the mix, they can be that much harder. The important thing is whether you both want to figure out how to make it work, not just for the kids or for financial reasons, but for yourselves and each other.

Best wishes to both of you.

K.

Get counseling! DO NOT read "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". The book makes me sick. You are not responsible for your husbands actions, HE is!
If he won't go to counseling, then go without him.
I HATE it when people turn it on the wife and ask if you are "loving him enough". It is NOT your fault that he is doing this.

His behaviour is going to affect you AND your kids. The fact that he sees nothing wrong with telling another girl about your sex problems is a HUGE red flag.

okay i have read what you wrote ,first of all never blame yourself for his problem , he thinks the grass is greene ron the other side ,so maybe you should just go see some girlfriends when he comes home without the kids ,let hime deal with things ,sometimes they need a eye opening experince ,if all else falls ,ask him to see a pastor for help and if he wont ,take him for what you can get and move on ,no one should feel the way you do ,may god bless you and have a Good day ..

I think you have to ask yourself and your husband the big question. Do you really want a divorce or do you really want to be married. If you really want to be married then he really needs to give up facebook for a while. When you guys trust each other enough for him to go back on you really need to have open communication. Not only would I recomend the movie Fireproof, but I would recomend the companion books. There is a work book, as well as the printed Love Dare book that Kirk Cameron reads in the book. My husband and I have had our ups and downs in our marriage, but that Fireproof material really helped us. Communication is the key. Try to have a date night. Try to do something for him because you love him not because you expect him to say thank you or give you something in return. Relationships are happier in the beginning because we are more self sacrificing. In order to be successful we have to continue to sacrifice. As long as he has not broken your marriage vows and had a physical relationship I think you guys can make it work, but it will not be easy. You both have to sacrifice. Do something that you know he complains about. Do it well, and don't expect him to say anything. Then in a couple of days do somethins else for him, not expecting anything in return. Keep it up until he notices, he will. Tell him how you feel. It can get better. Don't be affriad to tell him he has to choose, but show him that you are not just expecting him to make an effort you have to. Dream big. This is the father of your children and what would you do for them. You know they want daddy to be there every day. They need daddy to be there. Good Luck! I will get off my soap box and pray for you. I know it is not easy.

He needs a "reality check". Sit him down, hopefully with a counselor (your church, legal aide...)
and set him straight.
The "girlfriend" is a fantasy. You have a family, you work full time and have 3 children.
You love him? Ask him if he loves you, then get on with repairing this potentially harmful situation.
Good luck and God Bless, S.

Sounds like you need some serious professional help! Not sure what area you are in but typically Catholic Charities and the Jewish Federations have portals to get couples/marriage counseling for free. Although those are secular groups the counseling that's offered is typically non-secular. Hope this helps!

If you continue to let him get away with it things will just get worse. Honestly I would not put up with this for a minute. Money or no money. It's not worth it. Self pride. That's what you need. But then I would confront the woman and tell her what I think of her. I would tell him right out. It's her or me. Make your choice. If you continue to allow this to go on then your marraige will just get worse. Money isn't the answer to happiness. You might want to consider marraige counciling. Some church's have free counciling available.

Ask him if he'll consider marriage counseling. Some churches offer it for free. If he denies, then you may have to agree to live in the same house and live seperate lives. One of you should be sleeping in a different room. I SO very badly feel for you. I have 3 boys - my oldest will turn 6 in December, my middle is 3.5yrs and my youngest will be 2 in January. I know the trials and stresses you have just trying to raise the kids! My sister is currently getting divorced and she has 2 small children - an almost 3 year old and a 10 month old. I know she wishes that she would have considered some type of agreed upon arrangement so they could still share household expenses, especially for this economy. I would still try to angle for counseling, but there are other options for you to try other than the old standby of move out and get divorced. As long as he isn't abusive to you, I would try to stay in the same house.
Best of luck to you!!
Jen M.

For you, for him, and for your children.......TRYING to save your marraige is so important. I would try Love Dare also. Good Luck

Your marriage IS worth saving!! For your sake, for his sake, and especially for your kids sake. And it doesn't have to be miserable but we're staying together for the kids. It can be GREAT! I've been married for 10 years and would consider my marriage very healthy, but this summer we found and read a book together that was amazing and I think it could really help you two. It's called "Sheet Music" by Dr. Kevin Leman. It's about how to really make sex in your marriage a priority and how to really be fulfilling to your spouse--on BOTH sides. It has been great for my husband and I. It's amazing how when both spouses are fulfilled sexually, a lot of other issues disappear or fall into place. Please try it together. Read a chapter a day. I'm sure you could find it at your local library. Good luck!

Have you thought about getting some marriage counselling. I know divorice seems like the right answer, but taking care of 3 kids on your own is really hard at best. Talk to him, ask him if he wants to work it out. There is always a way if the desire is there. But divorice affects not just you, but the kids, and where they live, etc. Do everything you can before you divorice him. Just because she loves him doesn't mean he loves her. I know this sounds cheesy, but divorice seems like a good answer until you are out there on your own, one paycheck, no help and no breaks. Have you ever heard of Fireproof? It is a movie that helps you take a different road than divorice. Watch it, it may give you some ideas on how to change things for the better. I hope this helps.

Have you tried couples counseling? Your husband definitely has to give up this "friend". See if you can talk him into going. You guys need to reconnect and put the spark back in your relationship.

Hi,

Well, I'm going to give you my personal opinion. Give him an ultimatum - if he doesn't cut contact with this woman that you will move out with the kids. Move in with some relatives, find someone that will take you and the kids.

You need to concern your self with finances last.

Please do what you think is best for you and the kids.

A person has crossed the line when the content of discussions would be something they would not want their spouse to read/hear. He has definitely crossed the line and needs to own up to that. Sex and love are not topics that a spouse should have with someone of the opposite sex. Like others have said, it might be best to work through this rather than seek a divorce, particularly because of your financial situation.

So sorry for all the pain you must be going through. With three children so young you are bound to be stressed and sometimes feel less than in the mood. I think you should seek out counseling immediately...it will be less than the cost of a good lawyer that will look out for you. If the counseling works, than you'll have a better marriage...and if it doesn't...at least you'll have a better foundation to build a friendship with your husband so that you can continue working as a team to raise your children in a divorced home. Sometimes it's appealing to just throw in the towel, especially when you feel underappreciated and unloved. A couple great resources for you to look into are The Love Dare and Lies at the Altar. If the facebook is causing that much stress or decreasing your confidence...I say you be honest and tell him that you would like him to cancel his account..and if you have one you do the same to show him how serious this situation is to you. Explain that you are at your breaking point and that this isn't some simple nagging request. Then, since you said you have financial issues you probably can't afford a sitter so set a date night every week where you guys sit and watch a movie, play a game, talk, etc. Be committed to this!!!! Rain or shine.
Also...if you don't know what to do right now...then the best answer is probably for you to do nothing. Think on it and try to note the positives...there are always positives. Your heart will lead you to where is the right place to be.

Read a book by Dr. Laura Slechinger (sp.?) or get on CD. She is wonderful at explaining how to get back on track when relationships take a turn. It is worth working on for your kids.

You have a full time job, keep house, three children and he has a problem because you SIT? You don't say how this guy contributes to the household, financialy or otherwise, but it sounds like not much or enough. Your life and your childrens is too precious to be spoiled with anger, jealousy or resentment. Just ignore him and whatever he spends his time on. Do the best you can with what you've got. Good luck.

You said you love him, so I say, try to rectify the situation. That may mean taking responsibility for more of the negative than you think you are responsible for - it usually does. But do it and once he sees you making that effort hopefully he'll do the same. Try not to play the "blame game", by arguing about what is who's fault. Instead focus conversations on how to solve the issues at hand. Then once you are talking again, let him know that his contact with this other woman is wrong and hurts you deeply. And, ultimately he will have to choose between her or his family and you hope he makes the right choice - don't say this when you are mad, be calm and honest. And if you can't afford couples counseling - go to a church and seek advise (together) from a pastor, or perhaps through a community program. Good luck to you and stick it out. Hopefully, one day, you'll both laugh about this.

I like the suggestion of watching the movies "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron. Try to watch it together. The line was def crossed with this online "friend". Sometimes guys (or gals) can't see how this is wrong cause it's online. They say well, I'm not calling or meeting this person. I see it as a addiction: always checking to see if they got a message.
Church counseling is great, professional even better.
Divorce was the most stressful time in my life and the worst thing I could have ever put my girl through. Try to avoid that.

Keep in mind that your relationship was the pits long before this FB woman came along... so take that into consideration. I hooked back up with an old friend on FB who is a guy. I was open and honest with my husband about it because there is nothing I am doing wrong. Dr Phil has a great way of explaining "cheating"-- it is anything you are doing that you would not do in front of your spouse. Most people "cheat" to get something from an outside person that is missing in their relationship. If she says nice things to him and then you turn around and nag at him, that draws him closer to her and makes him want to talk with her more. You both need to get into some marriage counseling to help work on ALL of your problems-- first and foremost the ones you had long before this FB woman came along. The longer you wait, the more problems you will have and the more likely he will be to find someone LOCAL where he will be doing more than texting. I agree that your sex life will be better if he is nicer to you, but men don't always see that. It's so hard to get in the mood when someone is complaining at everything you do! If he refuses to go with you, go yourself.

Um..... I would say "see ya" to him. That sounds like a not good situation. I stayed in a horrible marriage, as was afraid to be on my own......for financial reasons, and I made it work, because being with him just was not worth it! JUst my opinion. Single mom and happy....... Candy

uhhh, facebook, most of us has a profile. most of us got in touch with former friends, exes etc. most of us didn't open up our married lives to any of those 'former' things. don't let facebook be the reason for the divorce, especially since he has been up front about being in touch with this woman. get to the core of problems. i know he said if you give more he'd love more, and you also came up with your excuse. truth be told, parents are exhausted to the fullest. at the end of the day, after my kids go to bed, all i want to do is veg out. at least i do, and so does my husband. instead, there are some nights we choose a movie, and then talk a bit about it. some nights we talk about kids. we compliment each other. if you have the option of a family member taking care of your kids once a month, go out on a date with your husband. get to know each other. i understand you're frustrated. i have friends (men and women) i talk to about what i need to talk about, and so does my husband. i don't ask what he says nor does he ask me what i talk about. at the end of the day, we all need the third perspective. right? the 'love' thing she is saying to your husband, poor her, right? lusting, if that, over a married man with children. how pathetic.
now you, do your best, because that is ALL you can do.

I know that you posted this back in Oct. but I was wondering what you did about it?

Are you doing ok?

Did you leave him?

If I was in this situation I would have left.

I would not be able to trust anymore.

I hope that you are doing ok now.

Trust your gut. Call Attorney Bill Bennett. He is a great attorney and he will work with your situation. His firm is Kidder & Bennett, P.A. in St. Pete. Good luck. Who is this homewrecker? Maybe you should contact her and give her a piece of your mind.

I would definitely recommend going through mediation first and to avoid ALL divorce attorneys at all costs. They seem to stir the pot and that leads to more billable hours for them. My divorce was costly, long and messy. The ONLY person to profit was the lawyer. If you are going to divorce, use a mediator!

M. M. I don't have much in the way of advice. Just, please, don't let him know you know....until you get an attorney, if necessary. Get all financail documents saved or printed, in case the worst happens. ALso, as other woman have stated, print the Facebook messages.

If you need the name of a good attorney, feel free to contact me. I also have a book on divorce and what you'll need to collect. If you need this, let me know. This is the info a lawyer will give you when you meet with them. Ultimately, they will tell you to clean out the accounts and get the information they need. (Get info first)

I'll pray for you. I hope it all works out. Be strong and no matter what, do what's best for you. That will inevitably be what's the best for your kids.

Before i read what the others have said i wanted to give you my thoughts on the situation...remember that the grass is not greener on the other side...if it is it's because the other neighbor takes better care of it...now apply that into your marriage. You cant stop him from using Facebook because he can find other ways to get on without your knowledge and by any means don't call the person he's chatting up with that'll just start a whole new subject. any who if you want change you cant change the other person it has to start with you without telling him surprises. put the kids early to bed clean yourself up look as if you're going out on a first date have him cooked a really romantic dinner or better yet just order some...when he comes home tell him of how wonderful he is...And get a stop on the negative talk. When me and my husband get to see eachother after our own rutines we dont sit there and complain about eachothers day but we talk about the wonderful things in life and what we plan to cook for dinner together and so forth. Jobs stay where they are the problems from there dont need to come in...besides thats what girlfriends are for or your parents go and complain to them. In my opinion i think when marriages happen the first two weeks or so are great untill you get used to eachother...which is good but you still have to try and impress/surprise/love more each person. If you think a divorce will get rid of him the next "joe" that comes in the picture will end up the same or worse if you dont take actions. And as far as financil issues go...talk to one another of how you can cut down and save...you have the children to think of not just you two they're in this as well...they learn from what they see and not what you tell them. for the fiancial part sit down with him one night and make a list of what you both could do to have more money around the house...such as maybe not all the lights in the house need be on if no one is in the room...or take too long of a shower to cut the water wastage.and so on. And around the house insted of telling him to DO the dishes or help out do it in a polite way... such as "honey i have to vaccume and give the children baths could you please help me out with dishes i would really appriciated" and if he says "no" dont get angry at him but simply smile and say "alright thank you anyway hunny" and move on...next time ask the same way and watch him do it...the best advice i could give is by telling you, the grass is not greener on the other side they just take care of it and you need to change yourself before you try to change anyone else. Dont be so needy on wanting to be showd all the time your loved. He told you that if there is more love making he would show you more..so there is the first key start surprising him and just GET in the mood even if it kills you..lol so if you try only try you will see the results have faith and take care of your household because a divorce brakes a family more then a fight does. remember he's not beating you or abusing you e just needs a friend so he has turned to an ex. you be his best friend and you'll see him a changed man. think of your husband as a relative such as a brother theoretically speaking you cant separate from your brother he'll always be known as a brother but you learn to live with each other in peace and harmony. may peace and blessings be upon your home take care and i wish you and the family the best.

Please get THE VORTEX cd of Hesther and Jerry Hicks (library or youtube). This cd will help you a great deal for anything in your life. I was there once and I am feeling better and taking day by day and some days, hour by hour, but, I know this will help you and your husband and your children...FOR SURE!
Blessings to you and your family.

get rid of the loser, let him go with her... she'll see what he is really made of
you deserve better.

M. M,

I am SO SORRY about your marital problems! First of all, PRINT out all of their Facebook emails/posts for evidence in case you get divorced.

What about marriage counseling?

Since you love him, would you want to start giving him sex and see what happens? I know you need to feel loved (I get it), but can you just force yourself and start giving him lots of sex, and see what happens? Maybe he will stop his contact w/ his FB chick.

Best of luck whatever you decide. I know this isn't easy.

Oh my goodness-
I had a similar problem- and I went to a place where they have Dianetics, you can also read the book, but I was better with having another person.
I know there is one on Belcher, and on in Bellair
It was alot of work for me, but if you are up for it, and have the guts to do it, amazing. If you are really sick of this situation then do it.
best of luck(and work), k

Hi M. M,

Have you checked your husband's Facebook profile? If he's advertising himself as single and available (they have a status line), or is only posting photos of himself without you or the kids, or even posting sexy photos of himself, this should tell you the seriousness of his online "affairs". I think a happily married man would have no problem showing or telling the world about his marital status and posting photos of the wife and kids. Most married couples DO have a link to their spouse's page or even share a family page for both of them to get messages on, and none will say they are single or exclude the photos in which the wife is posing with them. Also, when a man starts finding faults with you and only values you for how much you "put out", this says that his interests are elsewhere, and he is looking for an out. Love and marriage are not only about sex and if he wants it so badly, maybe he should help you around the house a bit so you're not so tired at the end of the night to get intimate and so that you can focus more on other chores if he feels you're not focusing enough on the cooking, for instance. I'd be very cautious though, he may be only chatting with this woman but what's to say he's not messing around and keeping it strictly sexual on the side with a co-worker or something? If he no longer is making an effort to get you in the mood, this may be because he has someone already satisfying him, not because his sex drive has suddenly disappeared. He needs to put the brakes on this woman for sure, and tell her he likes her company as a friend (if you're even willing to allow him to keep her as a friend), but that there's no love or interest in her, as he is married and has kids, and if she cannot respect that, then their friendship is over. Unfortunately, getting him to do that may be hard, and you may not know if he is contacting her privately later and telling her he just said that to get you off his back. Counseling may help you two, if he still loves you, but if he has already decided to stop trying or has become totally disinterested, then this may not fix things as most people are pretty stubborn when they make up their mind. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, though, it's not easy after 8 years of marriage.