Hi I am the mother of two wonderful kids. My son is 10 and my daughter is 7. I have been married for 12 years. My husband got laid off in July and went back to work this week. In the meantime we lost everything our house was the main thing and then we had to file Chapter 13. Which is all another story. My reason for writing is that my husband has an infatuation with playing poker on the computer. He will play until 3 or 4 in the morning. Anyways he chats while he is on there and I have caught strange numbers and texting. I called the strange numbers and they were all women. I confronted him and he said they were just friends. To me though that is having an emotional affair. He is telling these women about the problems we are having and stuff that is none of their business. Anyways he said to me the other day that he wasn't happy anymore. What do you say to that. I did mention the computer and asked him if he would stop playing poker and he said no not for me or his kids. I am just trying to get some input or some websites out there that will answer some questions for me. This is all new to me I need some advice desperately!!!
Seems to me that therapy is in order apparently he has no problem speaking to others a professional may be able to help. You did not say that he was actively looking for work.
Let us know what happens.
you might try counceling if he will if not I can't tell you what to do but no matter what happens he will want the computer have you tried just having the two of you sitting down and talking about whats going on ? how you feel that if these woman have no business knowing what is going on in your home good luck
I'm sure that he is depressed with the situation that you described. He may feel that he no longer deserves you because he isn't able to provide the way you need and is finding a way for you to push him away. He probably feels that you should have already left him!!!! At this point, I would tell him that the reason you have stuck by his side during this hard time is because you love him and despite everything you have recently lost, you don't want to loose him also. However, you need to ask him to leave... he needs to have some space to figure things out and you and your children need to be in an environment that doesn't include his depression. STAND YOUR GROUND ! You finding a full-time job is essential to you and your children at this point. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet. Being an at home mom is wonderful, but relying on a man is not!! Do you have your own retirement? Your own savings? You have got to have these things for yourself !!! Don't wait until you have these things to tell him to leave. Just work to obtain them!!!
About Me: I am a 28 year old mom of two - 7 and 4. I have been married 8 years. I work full-time, have my own retirement, and my own savings. Why? My mother was an at home mom - my parents got divorced after 25 years. My mom had no savings and no retirement !!!
I hope this is helpful.
Good Luck !
I think divorce is a quick solution that is too easy to obtain in these days. I have been divorced so I know sometimes it is the right answer.
My advice is for you to start counseling as soon as possible. Whether or not he wants to go is his decision but you will feel better about any thing you choose to do. If you attend church and trust your pastor talk to him, find a family oriented support group to attend, Tulsa isn't far so you could go to something there so you wouldn't be around people you know if that is an issue. I have relatives in Coweta and Wagoner so I know they are small towns.
My ex and his wife had a similar issue. He was chatting online with lady friends and the wife found out. The computer left after they had many discussions and went through some marital counceling. They are better off and happier than I ever saw them before. They communicate and understand how to give each other space, trust, and express their needs better.
I know a couple of friends who have lived in Oklahoma and had legal seperations. It is a way of providing financial support and setting visitation guidelines for times where the family is not living together. One of them divorced and one of them got back together.
Twelve years is a long time to be together and you know this man. Is his heart in your family? Is his heart in your marriage? Has he ever done anything like this before? Is he willing to try? Will you and your children be better off whether the kids live in his home or yours after a divorce? Is your heart in this marriage? If it isn't, no amount of counceling will do anything.
I'm very sorry for your difficult time. From hearing your request, it appears from the problems he isn't willing to try and save this marriage. I agree with you that communicating with these unknown women, texting, etc., is wrong and hurtful to both of you. To me, if either spouse is doing something that hurts the other one and won't stop if asked, is already mentally out of the marriage. I would not want me or the children exposed to these strangers in any way. If your daughter was grown and had these same questions about her marriage, what advice would you give her? We want what's best for our children and taking the same advice is usually what we know in our heart to be right. I believe that in our state there is no legal separation status. I have heard something about that matter and I was surprised. You have no loss of financial obligations and can not move forward with any type of relationship until a divorce is final. You may want to check on that. I hope things improve for you.
Women are emotionally stronger than men, and in your case your husbands misfortune has left him low on self esteem. His diversion with these women is his way of coping with the financial difficulties you guys have dealt with for the past 9 months. Count your blessings in that he choose to play poker as to the alternative; most men become severely depressed and abusive towards their spouse and children.
His unhappiness is more with himself than with you.
If he chooses to act on the phone calls, then seek legal counseling as to whether or not a divorce is necessary. In the meantime, maybe marriage counseling is in order. Sounds like that's what he needs as opposed to telling the strange women his problems, and you need it in order to preserve the sanctity of your marriage and your dignity.
before money was the root of all evil now its the computer. you can find anything,anyone,everything you can think of. playing on the computer is one thing, calling the opposite sex is another. if the friends were men that would be one thing, but women well...NO. i think we have passed the law here in oklahoma that you have to go thru counseling before you can get divorced which is good. Women put up with a lot more than men would. would he stand for you to be talking and texting men..I dont think so. and if he has started to talking and texting i would be afraid that he would start meeting these women. and the bad thing this day and time you can get something that wont wash off! Im very sorry for what your going thru i have been there and it sucks. i hope it turns out ok for you and your kids because ya'll are the important one's here. and if you have a church that would help you alot there are women that you can talk to and it helps! good luck and god bless you.
website divorce360.com
If your not happy either, than you are affecting your kids. Is it fair to them? I got a divorce last year and am almost to my 1 year mark. Not once have I regretted my decision. I had to move my almost 4 year old son and myself in with my mom and grandma for a year and a half which was a sacrifice on my part but what was best for my child.
I have pretty much done everything for my son that I could and have had very little personal time for me. To see my child happy for a period of time b 4 he starts to worrying again is gratifying for me.
Good luck with your decision.
Hi K., I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been going through something similar in my marriage. I honestly don't know how to help you on the marriage side of it, cuz honestly I don't know how to help myself right now. The part I did want to comment on was whether to divorce or separate. My attorney told me that the expense of it is the same either way and unless you truly believe you will be getting back together, then its not worth it to do a separation. Because it is an ugly process to go through the separation, then if you end up to divorce, you have to start the process all over. I hope you find out the best thing to do for you and your family. If you want to talk to someone who might understand what you're going through, feel free to send me a message. God Bless!!
A.
I think your hubby has a real problem and you might want to ask him to go to a group for gamblers a which is like AAA. I think also you need to suggest a marriage counselor to see if there is any think that can save your married before it is too late. Also try to found out what he is getting from playing so much poker that he can not get somewhere else. God bless.
Think about this...he would probably say that you shouldn't be telling strangers on this site about your personal business too. The point really is you said he said he won't give up the computer for you or his children. The ball is really in your court. You should tell him you mean business and expect him to make an effort to support his family. You should set yourself a timeframe, if not give him a deadline and stick to it (that he quit playing on the computer too much). Take action to separate if he doesn't meet the deadline. If thru all this he doesn't try to change, you know he never will and you have to decide whether you want to live another 30-40 yrs this way. I stayed with an idiot for 10 yrs and I've never regretted leaving that marriage for one second. By God's grace you will be okay if you do what's best for you and your children.
Hope this helps.
Dear K. O, I am sorry to hear of your problem.My husband and I had a problem around our 14th ann. he had a short affair that almost destroyed us, but with his true repentance and the Lord we made it through it. I don't know if you and your husband are christians but I wish you could see the movie Fireproof. It is a christian movie starring Kirk cameron. It has helped many many marriages already. please go and see it together if you can..... hope it helps. please let me know how it goes. ____@____.com I hope you can work things out! there are too many marriages failing today. God Bless!
I don't think that divorce or legal separation is the option here. You marry for better or worse...and unfortunately this is the "worse" part. I understand that the poker thing and the chatting with other women is upsetting and a concern, but these things can still be worked out. Now it seems to me that the poker thing may be an addiction, which is not just something that people can stop doing over night, this is gonna take some time and lots of support from you. The women part may take some couples counseling or some meetings with your pastor if you are both religious. I hope that things work out for you!
Hard one, all children need a father.
If you have any feelings for him at all, a legal separation. However do not stay in the marriage just for the children as in most cases it hurts them in the long run.
If you have no feelings for him, make records of all you can, hold on until you have a full time job and dump him.
God Bless
Your husband may be reacting to stress, but his behavior is completely inappropriate. You should not be put in a position of even thinking you have to snoop around, and his poker playing sounds like a dangerous gambling addiction to me. If he won't go to counseling with you, get a lawyer.
It sounds to me like your husband is depressed. It's very important for men to be able to provide for their families, getting laid off can be very depressing, and being back at work now doesn't make the guilt he's likely feeling over the loses of the past months go away.
That doesn't justify his going to other women for emotional support, but do keep it in mind when deciding how to act towards him. You can't force him to act rightly toward you if he doesn't want to, but you can still love him. Pray for him. Try to be patient with him, and look for ways to affirm him in his role as head of the family, even when he's not acting like it. Have you seen the movie Fireproof? It gives some good ideas for how to love a spouse who isn't interested in being loved.
I'd try counseling.
Hang in there.
K., Im sorry to hear your husband has put you in this situation. I know your feeling the world is tumbling down especially not having a full time job. My advice would be first be strong. Then I would sit my hubby down and give him a choice either you are in are marriage full time and stop the poker and talking with other woman or Im gone with the kids. You are a strong woman you can make it with out a man. ( I know the kids will be hurt either way so, please dont put up with it for the kids). Please let me know how it goes.
If he wouldnt stop poker for your kids or you then I dont think he wants to be a married man. (Personal opinion)
