Extended Family Advice

My husband and I knew we wanted "just" one child and I have never let anyone else's opinions on the matter affect me. She is now 10, so it's pretty clear that we don't plan on having more kids, but there have been a few comments from others over the years. I tell them how LUCKY we feel to have ONE child and that I couldn't ask for anything more. That usually ends the conversation :) Some people truly feel there is something wrong with having an only child and I think that is so sad...but they are entitled to their opinion....just as I am entitled to mine!

YES!!! :) I now have a 7-yr. old boy--and I've been hearing that since almost the day he was born! Only NOW am I ready to have another one--am also 34. And if you end up with only Jensen--you'll still love it! My life with just TJ has been a blast--and I also work part-time. You get to focus so much time and energy into them--it's a really neat life for them as well! Regardless if there's a 2nd or not! :)

You know the choice to have another child is personal. That is between you,your husband, and God. I am sure it is hard not to feel pressure or judged by other mothers, however I admire that you feel so content with the one that you have. You appreciate her. That is a gift. I personally struggle with the opposite. I have seven children and get the same old judgements and comments like; "Are you going to have more?????????"(like I am crazy) And I sometimes say Yes I was hoping to have 10!!!!!!!!they say "Don't you know how that happens??????" and I sometimes say "Yes, that's the fun part!" I have learned over time to just be who I am and know that I was called to have lots of children. I love it. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am sure you feel the same way!!!(I mean about being a mom) Just be who you are and tell others that you are enjoying what you have. She is a gift and a miracle and you thank God that you have "one!" Some people can't have any! I do want to share with you that one of my greatest joys as a mom is seeing my children love each other. Watching them interact and love each other how they entertain my husband and I with their different ways and how loved they all feel by having so much love to go around. It is amazing. I think kids learn so much about relationahips and are better able to interact with others outside the home when they are learning so much about relationships inside the home. It helps anyway. Whatever you choose it all boils down to LOVE. That is the most important ingredient of all. Good Luck with the future. I think you will know in your heart what is right for your family. Don't worry about what others think. Just concern yourself with being a great mom to the one you have right now!!!!

HOw about looking at them in astonishment and saying "Why on earth, do you think that is any of your business?!" And leave your mouth hanging open like you'd never heard anything so ridiculous in your life. But be very friendly while you're doing it. And have a slight smile on your face, because, after all, they are saying it out of love for you.

I know how you feel!!! I have an 11yr old daughter! We have been told many times by family and friends that we NEED to have another child! We want to have more kids!!!! We have been having trouble in that area but how do you tell family to mind there own business without hurting anyones feeling but they don't care about my feelings! My MIL is the worst with that! She has even told me that I might as well not have anyone cause the age difference is so great! But she is the one who we told about the miscarriages!!!! I have even been told I am getting to old to have more kids!!! Oh by the way I am only 29!!!!
I really have to just laugh at the craziness or I will just cry!
I don't know if this helps you but I do understand!

A.,

There is no right or wrong answer to this, only what works for your family. If you decide you want another, have one. If you don't, don't. I know there is a lot of pressure to do what everyone else is doing but they don't have to take care of your children so they don't get a vote. There is nothing wrong with only having one child and there is nothing wrong with having more than one child. Everything has pros and cons and you just have to do what works for your family.

I do have two children and I have to say that it is so much more work than having one. You can't even picture it until you are there. As they get older and can entertain each other more I think it will get easier but for now, man am I tired. LOL

T.

Do what feels right for you and your husband. Don't worry about what other people say. If and when the time is right you'll both know when you want to expand your family. I had my first son very young and never thought I'd add to my family. I got married and had my 2nd but because there was such a huge age gap (10 years) I thought it would be nice for him to have a sibling closer in age. Enjoy your family!

Hi A.,

Family and friends definitely know how to put the pressure on you. But don't feel the need to have another child until you and your husband are ready to. My in-laws always would say something to that extent but wouldn't say it directly and friends would always ask us.
But for me, I knew if I didn't decide soon enough, I just may not have anymore. 30 y.o. would be my cutoff age and right now we're expecting our 2nd child and I'm 29.
My husband started wanting baby #2 when our son was about 2 y.o, but I wasn't ready yet. Then I started having the desire too once my son started preschool because I didn't have him at home anymore. It's different for every mother, so don't let others pressure you of when to. Make sure you and your husband agree when you're both ready.

The decision to have children and how many you are going to have is an extremely personal decision and it is really nobdody else's business but your own. What is right for one family is not necessarily right for another and, in today's day and age, I think it's smart not to rely strictly upon emotions and "what ifs" when deciding whether or not you should add another child to your broad. There are financial concerns to take into consideration, your and your husband's temperment, and the type of family dynamics you would like to create. And contrary what people sometimes say, two is not as easy as one; it is twice as hard.

I have friends who have been raised as only children and none of them felt lonely or any kind of psychological discomfort because they didn't have siblings, and their social skills and ability to share were just the same as their peers who came from families of 2 or more kids. Having a small family doesn't have a negative but I would suggest that you make sure that your child has access to an extended family-like environment with other children his same age to play with. This can be done with getting together regularly with blood relatives, attending church regularly, or establishing a network of friends who live nearby and getting together for frequent playdates. That will help build a sense of community for your child.

Tell anyone that puts pressure on you to butt out. This is a decision that only you and your husband should make.The idea that you should have another child so that your child can have a playmate is nuts, the only reason to do it is because you and your husband feel something is misisng and that your family is not complete. Trust me, if she wants someone to play with she'll make friends.

Just so you know, a 2nd changes everything! Make sure you really want a second -- not just that your daughter might want someone to play with. My daughters are 3 years and 2 days apart and DONT get ALONG! My oldest was mad at me for months for having a 2nd and even tried to hurt her baby sister more than once. So ONLY have 2nd when YOU are SURE!

I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but I could shoot myself for not having more. I felt the same as you---one was enough for me and we didn't have any more. Then when my son was 10, we had another one--total surprise and total blessing. I wish I had one in between and one again after the last. My oldest is out of the house and my youngest so desperately wants another sibling and wishes he had one. We keep him very busy with sports, friends, playdates, etc., and we give him lots of our time---playing with him, going places, etc. But it's not the same---to wake up in the am and have your sibling to play with while mom and dad sleep, vacations in the car, holidays, etc. My advice is to seriously look at it from your child's eyes. Right now, you are enough. In 3-5 years, you won't be. And every single "only" child that I know as an adult, did not have just one child. They know firsthand how important that sibling is! In the meantime, come up with a pat answer---"when God wants us to have another one, we will" or something like that....

First off, do not have another child to please anyone. There are things you have to think of before jumping into things if you are not prepared.
Both my husband and I have no siblings and I was fine being an only child, however my husband wasn't, so when we decided to have children, 2 kids were okay for us. This way we could dedicate enough time and provide financially.
Background- His mother had 2 jobs and was never around so he wished to have some company. I however had both of my parents doing something with me as to where I was never in a desire to have a brother or sister. My parents friends kids were all the company I needed.
I had my first son and then waited until he was a little over 2 yrs old before getting pregnant again. I didn't want to be running around with 2 kids in diapers. I kept my son involved in another sibling which he absolutely wanted and to date my husband and I have 2 boys.
I still get family and friends pressuring me to have another child- "try for a girl" as they put it. But why should I? Why should you?
If you live though life there will be the people that say "why did you only have one child?" (like my parents were often told)and also people that ask "why did you have more than one?" No one will ever be satisfied with your choice, so just listen to yourself and ask if this is what YOU want. They will not be there to help you at night with bottle feeding, diaper changing, etc........
In all- just decide what will make you and your daughter be happy.

I know what you're talking about. Having struggled with infertility, I, at 40, was delighted to have a child. When I had just that child, my elder son, some people pushed me to have another, although some medical practioners told me that it was impossible for me to have any kids ever. I told people that we were happy the way we were and that only children can be just as happy and well-adjusted as children that have siblings. To my surprise, I conceived a child 6 months later. Now I have two sons. Some people "encourage" me to try for a daughter. We feel that two kids is plenty, so although I would love to have a daughter, we are not trying to expand our family. No matter how many or few kids you have, someone will always tell you should have a different number! The people to tell you that you have too few probably don't have very interesting, fulfilling lives.

One response to consider is, "We'll be happy to have another child if you cover college tuition, pay child support and babysit every day."

Good luck,
Lynne E

A., You know what you and your husband are comfortable with, and that is all that matters. If you don't want anymore kids that is ok. It is what you and your husband can handle or want. If someone asks you if you are going to have more just be positive about your answer and tell them you think your family is complete and if they pressure you, just ask them if they are going to pay for college... ? that ought to shut them up and put them in their place, without being too rude. Good luck! M.

Due to the fact that we were "older" parents and had one failed adoption, we stopped at one! We have the best kid in the entire world and would have done nothing different. He might not have siblings however he has had the undivided attention of the 2 of us, has traveled the world with us, does great on road trips and can entertain himself.

P.S. Our son is 18 and off to an incredible college in August!!!

I think you should just smile and say that you will take the matter under advisement with your husband and that if/when you do have another child that you will inform them. Then change the subject and try to get the other person talking about themselves. People usually LOVE to talk about themselves. Good luck in whatever you and your husband decide and don't let what anyone else says influence your decisions...in your marriage it should be you and your husband and God making all the decisions. Just continue to love the child you already have and continue to be a really good mom. Whatever happens, I don't think your child will regret growing up with you and your husband as parents. It is your own decision as far as what to do. Best wishes to you.

Try joking about the situation. Might make you feel better and will drive them crazy. When asked when you're going to have more kids, say things like "Why? Do you know where we can get one?" "Well, for optimum fertility, we should be having s*x in exactly 2 minutes. You don't mind if we use your yard...?" Or tell them right now you're just practicing.

To respond to the "pressure" of these people:

"My husband and I only discuss such things with each other."

My husband and I = the team (no one else is on it!)
"Such" things = personal things

Do not express your ambivalence regarding the matter (as you did in your question) because it invites others to try to sway you one way or the other. Ultimately, NO ONE ELSE can know what you should do so their opinion matters not at all.

Keep talking with your husband...

Best wishes,

M.

The only opinion that matters here is yours and your husbands. Don't do anything to make anyone else happy. My husband and I both have siblings and we aren't close to any of them. So, you never know what you get. You may have another and the kids are best friends while young, never talk when they are older, or vice versa. You can't predict. Only have a second if that is what you guys want - tell everyone else to mind their own business (-:

M.

Hi,
Yup -- You already know the answer. :-) I knew when I was 'finished' having babies. Every mom I know 'knew' when she was 'finished.' (Whether or not she continued past that point is another story.) I think we all know, instinctively, what is right for us, our bodies, our personalities and our family unit. If you and your husband are in agreement, then you've hit the jackpot. Don't second-guess yourself another second. The two most important leaders of your family unit have voted and it sounds like consensus. (Jensen will have a brilliant childhood full of playmates, Brownies, teammates, etc. I can tell you from experience -- as an only child who intentionally gave her own kids siblings -- the neighbor's grass is always greener so just plant what you like, onlookers be darned. I pined for siblings, and my kids pine for solitude. lol Happiness depends upon outlook more than numbers. Honest.) :-)

Hi A.,

Try to ignore what other people say. If you and your husband feel the same way THAT'S what is important. NO ONE should tell you what you should do, especially when it comes to things that don't involve them. My two kids are 7 years apart. Sometimes I wish they were closer in age just because its hard to always find things/places that they both can enjoy at the same time. They fight, like siblings often do and I sometimes attribute it to the age gap.... until I see friends' children who are alot closer in age doing the same thing. Then then the financial aspect of it, you think diapers, formula... are expensive - wait til the "Holister", etc kicks in!! :) It's all wonderful, if it is YOUR plan and you have tried to the best of your ability. to prepare (as much as you can). Good luck and remember, it is YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND who have to raise them, take care of them, etc, etc, so you and he should be the ONLY ones to decide when/if to have more.

People just say this because they want you to join them in their misery!! No, really I think it is just something that people say when they see a cute kid that is so well loved because ... why wouldn't you want more?? But really, this is your decision and yours alone. One is soooooo much easier to control your life than two!! Things got way more out of control when I had my second child and I know my limits, I will not be trying for another! If you want a quick retort, just say "well, it is in God's hands" or something like that. They will immediately shut up because it sounds like you are trying and it is not working. Then they will be uncomfortable and maybe they will leave!

I think most people unfortuantly have children w/o thinking about why. Stop and think about the long term, college, cars, vacations... can you aford to raise and stay home with more than one child, can you raise more than one child WELL... There is a lot of research that points to single children being healthier, smarter, more adusted... IF you have another, it should be because YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND want one, not for a playmate (they have friends) and not because of pressure. I KNOW the pressure. It took me 5 years to have my son and while I was still pg. people were asking when we were going to start on "#2." SO annoying! Just politly say, it's between you & your hubby...

Just tell them thank you and that you will consider that option along with how to plan for child(ren) in college since the financial burden of education could cause an unnecessary strain on the budget if your children are too closely spaced. {Sometimes this (family planning) is just a conversation started.} Then quickly change the subject to one they/he/she will want to engage in (gasoline prices? where will it stop?! :) Keep it light and friendly. It's just like when you're pregnant, and too many people feel they have the right to pat your tummy.
(All the while you have the right to think that it is none of their business! Because it definately isn't!!)

LAM(little about me)-55 mother of 3 (36,33,19 2G-1B), Grandma to 2 (2, 2mos 1B 1G)

I can appreciate your situation. We've had several folks tell us that it's time for us to have another one. Our daughter is now 4yrs old. Here's what I say...don't listen to anyone else. Do what's right for you and your family. When folks say that to me, I smile politely and say while I appreciate their opinion, our family life and decisions are private and we're currently very happy with our situation. And usually that ends the prodding by the other person. I surround myself with folks that support our family structure of three, and don't pressure. When it comes to sisters-in-law prodding me though, I'm much more abrupt. I tell them if they're so inclined to have more children in the family they ought to think about having another, and I just smile.

You and your family own the right to create your family structure as you see fit. No one has the right to tell you how many children you need to have. Your child will grow up in the best possible environment that you can provide, regardless to how many, if any, siblings they have. And I'm sure you all will have a wonderful family life. I have MANY friends that have stayed with the 3 person family, and they have a wonderful family structure. Have no fear...you'll make the right decision for you and your family! Cheers, C.

You answered your own question. If you and your husband both agree that you aren't ready for another one then who cares what others think? Yes it's nice to have two so that they can play together but the decision is ultimately yours and no one should pressure you into having another one especially since you and your husband will be the main ones raising that child. It was hard for me to have two children at one time because I did most of the caring for them but I am glad I did because now that they are older, they play with each other and occupy each others time so that helps me have some alone time.

But what I do know is that I would not have let someone elses wish determine whether or not to have another child. I am not sure how financially sound it is for you and your husband to have another one but all of that gets taken into consideration when deciding to bring another child into the world.

I love it and wouldn't change it but at the same time, if I only had one child, I would be ok with that as well. The main thing that you said is that you and your husband agree and as long as that's the case then whatever you decide will be alright.

Good Luck.

I think people just automatically assume that you would want more children since you are capable of having them and love your little one so much. Try not to take to too personal. I have four and I felt very complete by each on of them, but I love that they have each other. I have a very good friend that is an only child and has an only child and she is very content too but now that her daughter is getting older, she is 5, she is begging for a baby!!

Enjoy your sweet girl and don't think of it as being complete for you with #2, but just as if it is meant to be for you to grow your family a little more or not. Each child brings something very different to the table and when it comes to being complete, you can have 1 or 10 and you are going to be full!! Don't let anyone make you feel that your life is not where it should be, they don't live it. More than one child is not for everyone and you and your husband need to be the one to decide that not anyone else!!!

God bless you,
W.

I just want to salute and cheer you on. As our children face a future of continual population growth and it's concequences you are the one who is best looking out for your child's future by having one child. This decision may have a down side, but it's quite possible to over come. I grew up with a brother and a sister and I had a very lonely childhood. What I needed was more attention from my parents. You are the person who can best take care of your childs needs. No one knows better than you what is best for your family. You need to remind those other ninny's that this is none of their business. After all, you're not telling them how many children to have are you?

Hi A.,

I just wanted to let you know that I sympathize! We go to my parent's house every Sunday to get together with the family, and we are constantly getting asked about when we're having another one. It drives me crazy! My son is only 2, and we still have plenty of time to have another down the road if we want. But I feel the same way you do - most times, we just feel like one is enough. My family makes me worry about it though because "he won't have a playmate" or "he'll be lonely"...stuff like that. And then it makes me feel like we're holding out on him or making HIM suffer... So I know how you feel - it's very stressful. We have pretty much just started telling everyone that asks to mind their own business (in a more polite way). I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand! I think we need to just follow our instincts as mothers, ignore everyone else, and we'll be fine. =) Good luck.

Don't let anyone talk you into another child, you are the ones that have to take care of it. I don't mean to sound mean but you know how you feel about the one you have. When God says it's time you'll either get one unexpected or a feeling that you are now ready.
There is no law that says your children must be 2 or 3 years apart. All 3 of mine are 5 years apart, I spent plenty of one on one with each of them because when the next one came the older one was off to school. The only thing I wish different would have been to have 4. The 2 oldest are girls and very close (but we are a very close family)my son is 3rd and kinda gets ganged up on by the older sisters. They LOVE to tease him. Even when they are loving him it comes out as more pain then love. We simple try to tell him that Love Hurts. So this is why I would want the 4th, so that he had someone to buddy with himself.
Even he will say you should have had another boy mom so that we could pick on them. I totally understand the third child thing I was the 3rd and my sister and brother ganged up on me.

So my only advise would be do it when you are ready, you don't want to have any bad feelings about the next one, just joyous ones. (how much we wanted you, and how greatful we are that you are here now). God Bless you. J.

A., My husband and his brother are 9 years apart. They were practically raised as "only" children in one household. They are practically from different generations of life. They dress different, listen to different music and have different ways of living... we own a home and the brother doesn't want to be tied down to one town for too long...

So, if you have one... leave it at that or only wait a few years.... 9 years is a really big gap.

Blessings to you on your big decision. We have two boys 30months apart and they are best buddies... now 10 and 8 and we are glad we didn't wait any longer... Do we really need a girl? nah! We stopped and thanked God for giving us what we got.

Blessings to you!

Consider your budget, way of life and it will all click into place. Every family is different.

M. G.

Hi A.,
I hear it all the time and it drives me crazy... especially if people say it in front of my son. You know your own heart and you know your limitations and you know what works best for your family. No one has the right to make you feel guilty for having just one child. And if you want another child, it should be on your schedule not someone elses.

I had originally planned to have 2 kids. My son was born 3 months before I turned 40 and I have to work full time. I realized very quickly that I didn't have the time or energy for another kid. And I felt guilty for not spending enough time with my son. The only person I had to convince was my husband, and although he'd like another baby, he understands my position. However, everyone I know from family members to store clerks bug me about having another baby. My son seems very content being an only child. He says he doesn't want a brother or sister. He has cousins his age and good friends from school. I'm 45 now and can't even imagine having a baby in the house.

So stay strong and try to ignore those people and hopefully they will stop bugging you.

I love my family of 3.

Good luck!

Hi A.

I hate when people do that. People do that to people who don't want kids at all, too. Like it's so awful for someone to not want kids or have just one! It's hard to ignore but hang in there. Mine are six years apart (2 girls) and for the first 5 years with my first I never thought about having another one. I was content being the mommy of one. But then when she was about 5 I started getting the itch again. Probably because she was SO independent that I couldn't baby her anymore. But I have to say I really loved that I got the first 5 years with her and she got 5 years of just us all to herself. Now that's she's older she does alot of things with friends and now I have my time with "the baby" (the baby is 4) Just know there are some people who try to push there beliefs on to other people but don't be embarrassed to voice your opinion and say "no, I like having just one thank you" and that's that! It's your life and you can always change your mind or not. Sometimes you just want to tell em' to mind there own business!!! Good luck!

Hi A., I think that only you and your husband can decide weather or not you have another baby. You mentioned that you and your husband feel that she is all you need, but about what she may need? I know my first born loved Birthdays, and Easter, Christmas etc. but when he had a brother and then a sister to share all that with oh it was amazing, when he was the only child on Christmas eve, he had no one to share the excitment with, then his brother came along they would talk half the night about what they were hyopingn they were going to get, then when thir sister was old enough she would be in there with them, it was great I loved it. Having siblings teaches kids to share, teaches them to comuniacte, to kids their age, there's a lot of benifits, but it is still up to you and your husband. J.

Hi A.,

I know how you feel. I have an 18 month old little boy and people constantly ask especially family when we'll be having our next one. I feel like one is so much but sometimes I think he has to have a sibling. I've always heard you have the first one for you and your husband and the second for your baby. It's tough but the most important thing is to do what's right for you and your hubby. Another baby is so wonderful but also a lot of work.

I don't know if that helps but at least you know you're not the only one that gets asked all the time! ( :

I was listening to a radio show last night on my way to school and the host said, "Those that have more than one child are usually poorer and have a lower IQ." Not necessarily true but children are very expensive to raise. Between my husband and I we have a 3 year old. My older son lives out of state and visits during winter and summer break. We are very satisfied with our one child as we have plenty of time to spend with each other as a family. Keep them socially active with other children her age and she will be just fine. My parents had 4 children and there wasnt enough of them to be equally balanced amongst us children, so they had to chose who to spend more time with. It really hurts the relationship. This is a decision for you and your husband. Tell the others that you are very satisfied with your one child and will raise her this way if this is what you choose.

I am the worst about giving unsolicited advice, but I also always tell people to just let stuff like that roll off their shoulders. The only people who know what is right for your family is the three of you, and if you were to have another child just because you felt pressured to you may feel resentful about it or worse, towards the child. Personally, I love kids and want 20, but I also think that not everyone is meant to have kids, period, and similarly not everyone is meant to have more than one. And you shouldn't worry that you're dooming your child to live a lonely life or be spoiled because she is an only. There are lots of things you can do (other than having another child) that can keep these things from happening. Mostly make sure that she has regular exposure to other children, like a play group or something similar. Also, make sure that you don't do everything for her just because you can (because she's the only one you have to care for). Even onlies need to learn to be responsible for themselves and help around the house. But as long as you consider these things just ignore everyone else!

How lucky you are to have a happy, healthy child. If you're happy with having only her, there is nothing wrong with saying outloud, "I think we've decided to have only 1 child" or "We're really happy with having just one right now". You and your husband need to be on the same page,and it seems like you are. Remember, sometimes people don't realize the hurtful feelings you get when they ask such questions.

I have 2 children, DS-7 & DD-5, and I've had that feeling when some people ask if I'm going to have another. And to be honest, having a 2nd child changes things a lot. My husband, at one point, wasn't so hip on having a 2nd child before we got pregnant (eventhough we had discussed having 2 children before we even were married) soley because of that. difficult carting a 2 1/2 and infant around, but the older they got, the easier it got. If given the chance to go back, we would't have changed a thing. Hang in there, you will do what's right for you. :)