Etiquette - Eugene,OR

I've felt the same way, and yes, sadly, I think that is the case. Men of that age have a TON of pride a lot of the time. You were right to do what you tried to do though! Kudos to you! Merry Christmas!

I am guilty of not accepting stranger's assistance, I am appreciative when it is offered, but feel weakened when I have to accept it. I am stubborn and proud and I CAN DO IT MYSELF ... sometimes I get in my own way! You know what though ... I bet he felt good when the thought about it later.

I offer assistance to anyone who looks like he or she could use it if I am able to. Sometimes I can't because of my kids being with me, but if it is a matter of doors, I grab doors with them and tell people I'm training them. Some people, regardless of age or gender, simply do not like to be offered help, even if they need it. I would try to shrug it off and keep on going. There are often appreciative people and you never know when you're going to make someone's day. My husband fetched a riding shopping cart for an elderly man in a handicapped parking spot late one night when we noticed he was struggling on his way into the building. He asked what he could do and the gentleman said that would actually be a huge help, so I went on in with the kids while my husband helped him out.

I do find that older men prefer to help me, and because I realize it is important, I let them and thank them. One thing to consider would be to try to make eye contact first as a "greeting" and smile and you might be able to tell if the person is secretly wishing you would offer to help. It doesn't sound like the weather would allow that in this situation.

Don't change your ways, but often the fight to get out of the car and do things on their own is what keeps them going.

J.,
I know this man hurt your feelings and made you feel bad for him (like maybe you caused him upset), but you didn't do anything wrong. The man is a stranger. He could be a jerk for all you know. Or he could be a completely lovely man that is struggling with losing his capabilities and had an emotional moment. Either way, you were trying to be kind and did nothing wrong. Also, you did not cause damage. He has probably forgotten it already so try and forget about it yourself.
:)
P.

Hi. My husband is fully disabled. The only thing that offends him is if someone grabs his arms because he will fall and get hurt. Now that he is in a wheelchair, please do hold the door, leave the van parking for him, and pick up something he drops. We appreciate you and know you were trying to help. That man had the problem, not you.

This could have very easily gone the other way where the man thanked you for your help and appreciated your effort. Don't stop being kind and courteous *just* because ONE GUY was grouchy and rude. The world needs more people like you and it would be very sad if you lost your kindness because of this guy.

You're not a jerk. You're right - his reaction is HIS problem, and that reaction may have very little to do with you. (You know how it is: the whole day goes wrong, and what do you do? You yell at the neighbor kid, or the grocery clerk, or the cat, or someone else who has no connection with what you're upset at.)

In my etiquette book (self-written), it's good to offer help to someone who seems to need it. The ticklish part, of course, is when you *assume*, in a prejudiced manner, that someone will need help because of an age level or a gender or a disability. However, that situation is ticklish on both sides (a lot of tickling!); it's easy to *assume* you're being offered help for the wrong motives - especially if you're having a bad day anyhow.

I've been chewed out. I've had to learn to cultivate my sense of humor so that if somebody shrugs my help off, or bites me in return, it doesn't affect me much. You don't want one man's reaction to keep you from assisting the next person who may really need you.

I think it was a great thing that you tried to help him. But he is a stubborn man. My grandpa was a month away from dying of cancer before he was almost physically forced by my dad to go to the hospital. He would have been completely ok just staying home and dying? Seemed like it. Men like that have been through a lot and the fact that they are aging and cant do things for themselves is probably very hard. The fact that you noticed he needed help probably bothered him a lot too. But, these are his insecurities, and you were just trying to do the right thing.
I am bewildered by people, I walked in the store, pregnant, holding my son, and the woman in front of me almost slammed the door in my face. Geez, thanks lady!

You did a lovely thing. He was the one who was rude, although we can all understand why.

Sometimes I try to make it a "lower stakes offer" - yelling over from my car "You alright over there?" with a friendly smile. Then they can smile and refuse help without actually being offered help. But that doesn't always work either.

Keep doing what you're doing. The world needs more people who offer to help.

I agree with everybody who says keep doing what you're doing. You've done nothing wrong. That was really nice! As for his reaction: It could be pride, or maybe it came out wrong to him the way you said it (unintentional on your part, of course) or it could be some personal experience for him that makes him averse to accepting help from others. Or it could be he's just not as kind as you.

I've known people who get insulted when others offer to open the door for them or something. Strange living in a time when offering help runs the risk of insulting the other person, isn't it?

Anyway, have a happy holiday!

I don't think it's ever a mistake to offer help.
But different people have different ideas about accepting help.
You never know if someone is suffering from severe arthritis, just had surgery, or has a major ego problem that thinks accepting help will make them appear weak or not self sufficient, or fears that everyone is out to mug them.
Try not to worry about it. You didn't intend to hurt his feelings.

keep offering to help. I have an elderly mother who would take you up on every offer and really appreciate it. I think the man was probably startled by you or just a crotchety old man. Keep offering to every one that it is safe to. Most people appreciate the offer. I bet he felt like a real pain in the you know what when he thought about it later.

I wonder if ithat man was my father-in-law, LOL. I think you did the right thing. You're right about the generation they were raised. My father-in-law is slow moving and has a difficult time getting up from any sitting position. If I try to help he won't let me. I once took his arm when he was walking outside, he huffed and yanked it away. Now I just walk behind him in hopes I can grab him if he stumbles. Stubborn...but then so am I.

Don't let it discourage you. It seems like you were very polite, but some people just won't except help.

And know that if there were any teens around or any young children in cars watching you were setting a wonderful example for them...as one mom to another, THANK YOU!

You did the right thing. Maybe afterwards he realized how he acted and if he could he would tell you how sorry he is. Sometimes we are just having a bad day.
When you offer to help someone make sure you wait for them to answer you before you start helping.
I think it is wonderful that you stopped to try to help someone.

That was a really nice thing to do! Some people might be offended while others very appreciative. I say keep being you and don't take it too personally. He had the opportuinity to feel independent in his response to you and you had the opportunity to be feel helpful in how you resonded. In a way, regardless of who felt what, you both fulfilled a need:) I think that's a good thing.

No good deed goes unpunished. hee

Keep on being polite and helpful. You are a wonderful person that thinks of others. Don't let some grouchy old fool get you down.

It was a very nice gesture for you to offer assistance. Sometimes when people respond the way that man did, it does make you feel like an idiot so next time you are more reluctant to offer assistance. Just be aware that not everyone is willing to accept help when offered and will usually complain when help is not offered!
I think you approached it just fine- you saw someone you thought was in need of help and offered assistance. That's really all you can do- it is up to the person to accept or reject the offer. Keep it up!
~C.

I think you did it exactly right. You asked him if you could help, he said no. Too bad, he probably needed it. Just keep asking whenever you see someone in need. They may gratefully accept or they may spitefully decline, but you did the right thing. :-)

First of all your heart was in the right spot..good for you. I have stopped and helped older people myself. Most of the time they are grateful.

Not sure what you could of done different other than not help. Hold your head up.
Some people will appericate your kindness others will not. In the day and age where the majority of people dont want to get involved. Give yourself a pat on the back. You did the right thing even if it didnt turn out perfect.

I think you did a wonderful thing and more people should offer to help strangers when we see a need. Simple things such as holding a door open and slowly becoming a thing of the past, especially in larger cities. Perhaps he thought you were coming to harm him. I bet he realized after that you were trying to be nice and he likely regretted his feelings.

My Grandmother suffered from alzheimers and in the EARLY stages of it, she was still driving (getting elderly folks to give up their car is really HARD)... and she often needed help.. but the disease does terrible things to the mind... and she went from being a joyful person to being a nightmare to deal with (angry, defensive, combative, inpolite). If some kind person such as yourself had approached her, she would have responded in the same manner as that gentleman. So, who knows, there may have been medical issues that also contributed to his abrupt response. You did a nice thing and I would not be dissuaded to help others in the future.

J., I think what you did was right. You offered help when you thought a person needed help. Not evey person reacts the same way. Perhaps this person was just having a bad day and he took out all his frustration out on you, which is not fair. If more people offered help (outside of a crisis), this world would be a better place to live.

I think your awesome for offering to help. Don't feel discourged or feel like a jerk. Sometimes it takes a bigger person to accept the help. We as people are flawed and some people can learn from their mistakes and other just can't or won't.

Take care and have a Merry Christmas.

You did a nice thing. Maybe in the future--something like "want to use my umbrella to the door?" or something specific--instead of a blanket offer of "help"? In any event, don't let his response squelch your caring spirit!

Hi J.,
I have to say that I agree with the gal who said to go with the "lower stakes offer". No doubt in my mind that the guy was just like my Dad who refused any help at all unless he was infatuated with someone ;o). Men especially when they get older, most have to be independent and can't stand to think there is any way that you or anyone else needs to help them. He may have only been a slow mover, by the way, and really didn't need help and was embarrassed that you thought he did. Anyway, getting back to my first thought; I think, probably, he really needed to hear "Is there anything I can do for you sir?" instead. You suggested without meaning to be hurtful that he was not capable and you saw that, so responded by suggesting that he need help. Hope that made sense. Older people really are just hanging on to that little bit more time they have that they are able, alone. I think this world needs a whole lot more people like you to offer help like you did. I can tell you that now being in my 70's and having even young men just watch while you struggle to pick something up that is very heavy or have to move many packages etc. (examples) and not offer any assistance whatsoever, is very disheartening. Thanks for who you are. A.

Some people just won't accept help. They have always been that way and become more so when old or ill.
Other people would respond differently. Don't feel guilty. You did the right thing. Offering help is important as someone can struggle a long time to get their walker out of the car or move their legs after sitting a long time.

Hi J.~

It's difficult to know what each person needs. Sometimes, I'll encounter a person in a wheelchair at a door. I know from my own experience that, if I jump in and open it for the person, some will take offense and some will thank me. And not to draw too much of a parallel, but I also see this even with my preschoolers; I know to just offer "If you would like help, ask". I think, in all these situations, there are certain people who have a lot of pride and want to 'do it themselves', there are going to be those who really want to have the chance to *try* doing it themselves (even if they ask for help later) and there are those who are happy for you to do it for them.

Me personally, I thought that what you did was very thoughtful and compassionate. I think it's good etiquette to offer assistance, and I don't think you need any extra education in that regard!:) When I was 16, I took care of my grandfather for the summer. It was a year before he died, and he was very resentful of my grandmother and I having to help him with so much. Worst was when my grandmother had to help him bathe-- he was very upset and bitter with her. I think your observation about generational male pride is likely true, and as I said before, I people just need different things. But it sure is hard to know what they need sometimes!

doing the right thing doesn't mean it will be received well. do NOT consider yourself a jerk. if you offended him, that's a pity, but 9 times out of 10 an offer made in good faith will be received as such. you probably just hit him at a bad moment.
there are no etiquette rules that need to be made about this, nor should you restrict your kindness to women. keep doing what you're doing. if you're not operating from a place of condescension then you have nothing to worry about. when you run into the occasional person who reads you wrong, just apologize cheerfully and go on about your business.
i think you're wonderful.
khairete
S.