Educational emails--JFF

Updated on January 15, 2012
V.C. asks from Plano, TX
8 answers

Heres a great list of email scares. What is your fav? Mine? The one about my prayers not being answered if I don't forward the email!

As we enter 2012, I want to thank you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, and by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

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Featured Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.R.

answers from Seattle on

Honestly, I was just looking for this funny email to forward to a friend....

It is such a hoot!!

Thanks for the post!

5 moms found this helpful

More Answers

C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

what about these???

This e-mail will be tracked and Bill Gates will send you a check...I got a check for $24,935!!!

Or:

I am the executor of the estate for (insert name). You have been found to be the last surviving member of his (or her) family. There is $8,500,000 at stake here.

Please send me your bank routing number and account number so I can deposit these funds to your account.

8 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.2.

answers from Raleigh on

Oh my gosh...WAY funny!!

I love the serial killer/gas station one...since it has truly made me look around constantly while pumping gas.

How about a similar one....always look in your back seat before getting in your car, especially in a parking garage.

One on fb pi**ed me off the other day. It was something like " if this little girl, who needs a new _____transplant, gets (#) of "likes", it'll be done for free.". It's so untrue, yet people still "like" it. :(

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.T.

answers from Nashville on

Oh my goodness, your post is hilarious!!!!

LOL

I love this one - I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

4 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.B.

answers from Dayton on

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!! Now, could you explain this to my mother?

3 moms found this helpful

Y.C.

answers from New York on

Oh yes, I hate them, specially those that tells me to pass it to x amount of friends or everything would be awful.
Not only I don't have x amount of friends to pass it (which I am not evil either to send them) which it makes me depress, but then I think what if, yes, I know, is STUPID to even think about it which it makes me then mad to even think about it.
I have to confess, it was a time when I was selling stuff on craigslist, and I had a bunch of people who would tell me they would buy the stuff and never came, so for once I did had a x amount of people to send one of those e-mails I got, muahahaha!
PS: I get those e-mails from my sister, which is 16, I don't like them but I haven't had the heart to tell her to stop, got to love her!

3 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

LOL--good summary!

Also a side note--lots of those emails are viral and that depends on you forwarding them on! Just delete and *poof* no more annoyance! Ah--if only it was that easy in real life!?

2 moms found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

❤.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hahaha.

Thanks I needed a laugh today! : )

1 mom found this helpful
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