Our families have gotten together a few times and we have tried to be friends. We tried to ignore the drama she creates, but she keeps trying to pull me into it. She tells everyone about how she wants to help her kids behave, but she is stuck enabling them. She actually blames others for making her kids feel like they had to hit someone or rub dog poop on a person's face. Can you believe it?
She wlso wants people to give her things free so she can have a lot of spending money. She hates having to pay taxes, insurance, or the fees to play sports. When they show her she makes too much money for scholarships, she hints to everyone how she needs $$ for it. Leech is the word that best describes it.
I plan on not calling her, not inviting her to do anything, and basically just being polite if she ever calls or I see her around town. I am undergoing medical treatment for at least 2.5 more months which leaves me feeling exhausted and I have no extra energy for nonsense.
In the past, I have tried having adult conversations with her and it never works out. She agrees, then plays the victim or makes excuses.
Sounds like you have a good plan. I knew a woman like this, toxic was the only way to describe her. I was polite when we ended up together due to mutual friends and the like, but I did not go out of my way to include her.
You answered your own question.
You have no energy for nonsense.
I would just become unavailable to her. she'll get the hint. I'm sure it happens to her quite often and she knows the drill. She'll put out her radar for another sap to leach off of. I dont think you need to have a conversation with her about it. If she asks about you lack of availability just politely tell her you dont have the time or energy to foster the friendship any longer. If she asks for further explanation dont hold back... let her know how annoying she is, maybe hearing it would help her stop it?
Not sure what the question is here. You have already made your plan. It sounds good to me.
I agree with you, just politely avoid her. Good luck.
Been in the same situation and I went with Honesty! Told her straight up that our relationship just wasn't for me and that I felt it best we didn't have one anymore. I wished her & her kids well and thanked her for coming. I just had heard her complain about her hubby for the last time and just couldn't hear it one more time. LOL Hubby couldn't believe his ears and I think she was in shock and a loss for words that they left and she made a few snide remarks, but I just smiled and said, yes, I'm sure your right, it is me, I'm crazy & unstable. yep. that is it. Thanks for coming, have a nice day. Haven't heard from her since and all is well in my world again. Best of luck.
She doesn't sound like someone that I'd like tho have in my inner circle either. Just do what you plan on doing. If she complains or tries to play victim, smile but stick to your guns. You just don't have a lot of time right now. Don't make up stories or a lot of excuses because that will give her ammunition to argue with you or room to try to negotiate. Keep it short and sweet. Just say, "No, I'm sorry that's not possible," or "No, I can't," and try to leave it at that. It may be uncomfortable being so direct with her at first but she will eventually get the message and realize that she is not going to get the attention from you that she craves so she will move on.
She sounds like a very toxic and self-centered person and it is good for you to realize your limits and focus on your own healing. Now is the time for you to take care of yourself and you do not need to be apologetic about it. Your health and welfare comes first. If she is not going to be a part of your healing circle of friends, then she needs to move on. That's just what I think.
Sending you prayers of healing and strength.
Not sure why you are even wasting your time writing about this so called friend. I am not sure I "get" the title of this post since you do plan on being firm and doing all the "cruel" things that we would all suggest to set up the boundaries you need to.
I might give her a valuable gift before you cut her completely off and let her know exactly why you are not returning her calls if she pushes.
I remember once when I broke up with a guy who was basically the biggest cheap skate I ever encountered, shared with me... "when I get to about this stage in the relationship... the girl always breaks up with me, can you please tell me why?" Oh my gosh let me count the ways!!! He was gorgeous and basically a nice guy so I am sure a lot of girls stuck it out as long as I did thinking it would get better but I won't even waste your time telling you about how squeaking cheeeeeap he truly was! (And had money) and I think he really appreciated my honesty! I wasn't unkind just kind of blunt. It was too late for us but hopefully he learned since he asked.
So I am not saying just blast her but if she pushes... you can explain to her all the things you just shared with us.
But then I am not sure there is actually an effective way to tell someone that they are defensive, selfish, manipulative and basically suck!
Like I said... not sure why you even need to be validated here. You are in the right if that is the case. ;)
A child rubbed dog poop on someone's face - literally? You're kidding me, right? I wouldn't answer my phone when she called.
Just lying low and taking care of yourself is one way, if she takes hints.
But it sounds like she probably doesn't, so at some point you may need to be frank. You can do this politely, without drama, by making a simple, direct, and truthful statement about YOU. In a calm, relaxed voice, tell her something like "ZhaZha, this relationship does not work FOR ME. I don't expect to be getting together with you, and need to have you stop calling me."
Your best case scenario is that she hang up on you and just never call you back. Or, she may turn on the drama, get angry, cry, wheedle, whatever.
Just repeat your same simple statement. DON'T make the dreadful mistake of apologizing or expressing regret, making excuses, or trying to soften the basic message. She's used to maneuvering people into that position, and she'll run with it. Your message is polite, it's truthful, and ultimately, the truth is kinder than lying, which hurts you and never gives her a truly honest friendship with you.
Believe it or not, this CAN be done. I know, because I've used this truthful approach a number of times, and I'm the world's softest touch. Practice it with a partner or in front of a mirror until you feel the rightness of it.
I would just say, that you will be EXTRA busy for the next while and when ever she calls ignore or pick up and say that you are waiting at the doctors office and then have to go in less than 5 minutes as you were just called or some other nonsense.
I have noticed that when people have bad habits they don't like it when someone else takes on the same bad habits, so perhaps on the phone when she complains you should start saying the same things as she is. Sadly too will be too busy to hang out... ever as you are having WAY too much money being taken by the doctor to afford to entertain ever. If that isn't a problem for her then tell her that when all the appointments are over you will call her but you have to go now.
Whenever she calls and starts in on the nonsense, just say, "I'm sorry, I have to go. Take it easy." then hang-up.
I don't know if there really is any way to tell someone like this that you don't want to be friends. If she whines about you not having time for her, just say that as unfortunate as it is, you have a lot on your plate and cannot do any more. Hopefully, she'll get the hint.
I think you have a good plan. Be polite, don't invite and you're not available. Stick to it. Know that there may be tension but don't feed into it. You have a lot going on as it is and limited time energy for anyone. You may flat have to tell her that at some point which is okay. She needs to get the message that what you can do right now is be with your family and take care of priorities. Then as things get better for you just don't pick up the friendship and time you spent with this family.
