Ladies (and gentlemen), I'm stuck and could use some advice. I have a very good friend who would like our families to hang out more, but neither my husband or I are interested because her husband is a total jerk. He's condescending, arrogant, yells at his kids, treats his wife poorly, and is just someone that I have no interest in spending a minute with. He bothers my husband even more than he bothers me. We do see this family at other friends' houses and birthday parties, but have always said no to the invites to their house because neither of us wants to spend any more time with him than we already do. But my friend isn't getting the hint. She's lovely and I don't want to lose her friendship - so I can't tell her that the reason we don't want to hang out is that her husband is a jerk. It would crush her. But she keeps asking if the whole family wants to come over for Easter brunch, Memorial day cookout, lazy Sunday breakfast, family picnic, Fourth of July BBQ, etc. We're never going to have that best friend family thing going on and I don't know how to make it clear without hurting feelings or losing a friend. Any suggestions?
Edited to add: I guess there's more than just that her husband is a jerk. She wants to do a lot more together than we do. We just don't spend that much of our free time with other families (some free time, yes, but not every weekend). My husband is pretty solitary and would prefer to work on projects around the house than go to brunch at someone else's house. So when we do decide to socialize, we'd both rather it be with people that we like... so we're more apt to say yes to other friends. I guess my dilemna is two fold. How to keep turning her down, but how to also explain that while I think she's great, my family is not one that will ever be interested in spending holidays together, camping together, going on picnics, etc.
You sound like honest to goodness homebodies, to a certain extent. There is nothing wrong with that. Just tell her, we're homebodies. We are on the go so much, that when we have free time, we just like to spend one on one time with the kids at home.
I would tell my friend that my husband isn't really into socializing, and I would accept the occasional invite on behalf of my kids and myself. I would put up with jerk husband now and then for the sake of my friend. If the invites are too frequent I would simply state we were having family time. I very rarely "set" my husband up with the husbands of my friends, because I know he doesn't enjoy it, and I bet my friends husbands don't either.
Tell her in a nice way that her husband is a dick. I don't know what nice way but something other than that. I'm sorry, that is a tough one...but you have to tell her. Even worse, is her thinking you don't like her. (In my opinion).
Interesting to see all the "tell her he's a jerk" responses.
Unless you and she are truly close friends (does your friendship date from before you were both married/had kids? Or is it more recent? Sounds like the latter), then don't lie to her -- but don't do the "he's a jerk" talk.
Sure, it's honest and frank and all that. But if she is not a good friend to you already -- what would it gain? She would not leave him; she would be profoundly embarrassed (because she knows he's a jerk but is upset to realize others know it too); or she would be furious with you (because she does not know he's a jerk and doesn't believe it, and thinks you are...words I won't type). It won't do anything to save her, help her, etc.; it would have the desired effect of ending all contact with her family, of course. BUT....
If you and they have the same larger social circle, and it sounds like you do since you see this family at larger gatherings, telliing her that he's a jerk could poison this entire larger group. She might just decide to tell other mutual friends that you are ....fill in the blank. Or her husband, if he's that awful, might just decide to confront you or your husband in a very ugly way in front of all your mutual friends. Too much like high school drama to me.
I would tell her: "We appreciate the invitations. You're thoughtful to ask us so often. You've probably noticed I don't accept much. We just don't spend that much of our free time with other families and keep a lot of holiday time for us. (And that is not a lie, it's true from what you wrote!). It's so much easier for me to meet you for coffee during the day (etc.) and stay in touch that way."
Wana hear something funny, I used to be your friend. I had no idea people were avoiding couple and family things because he was a tool. I really thought it was both of us. Okay he would tell me it is just me but that was part of the charm that made him a tool. :(
One thing that amazed me after my divorce is how many people I thought didn't like me came up to me with a big hug and thank god you got rid of him. :)
So like you blow her off, he is probably in the back ground saying you are not a good friend, perhaps you are using them.
So I guess I am saying there is nothing wrong with saying your husband is a tool. I remember when my best friend said what a dick! I was so relieved to find out it wasn't me. :)
E., if you aren't willing to say "Sweetie, I just can't take the way your husband treats you and the kids. I love you to death and want to see YOU, but not your husband", then you have no choice but continue the excuses.
Sorry!
Dawn
If yall think he is that big of a douche, chances are his wife knows too:)
This is where lying comes into play and I dont care what people think about it. I would tell her that Holidays you have reserved for family only because of time constraints.
Are you both SAHM's? I would plan things with just her and her kids and leave the husbands out of it.
I would say 90% of the time I hang out with my friends and kids, the husbands arent around.
I think there are ways around seeing her husband and still being her friend.
If you cant stand him, imagine how she feels living with him. She could probably use some girl time anyways....
*Suz, I feel like beating around the bush and not telling her that her husband is a jerk and we cannot stomach to be around him, is still a lie. Not being 100% honest, still to me is lying.
Im sorry, but I am not willing to tell someone that her husband (you, know her other half) sickens me.
I also feel that unsolicited relationship advice and causing drama is unecessary. Unless he is beating her or clearly verbally abusing her, their relationship is no ones business. Who the hell is anyone else to say what her husband should and shouldnt be doing.
If you were to come to someone asking for relationship advice, fine, speak your mind, but to blatantly go off on someones husband?
Thats a good friend? Really?
Like I said, I would prefer to keep that to myself.
RevRuby and Suz T said it exactly right. I had a friend who had an raving jerk for a husband. I had to say "I'm not trying to be mean, but I'm sure you know that we don't see eye to eye with __ and I know that the feeling's mutual. I just think it'd make for an uncomfortable situation to do the 2 family outings. BUT I'd love to hang out with you and am here if you get free time and want to do something!"
It hurt my friend's feelings and she said he was just jealous and whatever, she tried to defend him. I didn't go there because I wasn't going to bash her husband (she knew how I felt already, saying anything more would just make her defend him), but when he was at work we'd swing by to visit, or invite her to come over, or whatever. Sometimes, families don't mesh. But that doesn't mean you can't be friends with her, and it sounds like she needs a friend too.
The best solution I've found when there's not a good connection between all spouses is to plan activities with just the wife (like going to dinner, having girls' nights out, going to see a movie) or activities where we can visit while our kids play. That way she doesn't feel neglected as a friend, and you aren't obligated to spend time with the husband. It sounds like they still get invited to other things and have other friends, so you don't need to feel guilty if you don't make it your goal to befriend the husband as well. If she still tries to plan family events, all you can do is nicely turn her down with a "Thanks for thinking of us, but we already have other plans."
If I liked the wife a lot. I might go just to see her. If he is a a**wipe in front of you...let him know. She must know he is like this. Maybe she needs a friend , start asking her to lunch or girls night out. Keep his butt at home!
I agree with telling her as humbly as you can. That may light a fire under her to change the way she is being treated, even if you have to loose a friend for the benefit of her hearing a truth that no one else will tell her.
Shux that is the type of friend I am praying to cross my path but I have to master being that friend first.
Good luck.....
i don't agree with the advice to lie (ever) and don't think just continuing the excuses is a good answer. i mean, it hasn't worked thus far, right?
in today's busy world it's very possible and probably even most likely that couples have their *own* friendships, and that's where you need to steer this one. in our partnership we have all sorts of these combinations- my friends he likes okay but doesn't want to hang with, my friends whose husbands he doesn't have anything in common with, friends of his friends whom i can't stand and only agree to see every few years, and lots and lots of couples who want to hang with us as couples but we just don't- not always due to dislike, but simply because we don't get as much alone-couple time as we want so are selfish with our time.
if you absolutely cannot think of a way to be kind but honest with her (and this one sure IS tough) then keep redirecting the invitations to one-on-one dates with her. 'i'm so craving some just-us time, elvira. let's go have full-on afternoon tea and wear our favorite hats!'
it sounds as if you two are similar to david and me. fortunately after decades most people have quit asking, which suits us right down to the ground.
good luck!
:) khairete
S.
You can't tell her straight out that you think her husband is a jerk and you never intend on spending any social time one-on-one with them (just your family and their family). You just can't. It's abhorrently rude and cruel. You WOULD lose the wife as a friend and wouldn't be doing her any favors. It won't provoke her into leaving her husband even though she's probably already aware of all of the negative qualities about him. It will make her defensive of him, if anything, and she would be likely to tell him.
You would still have to see them socially with mutual friends and school events. That would make things awkward, at best, and from what you've said of the husband, painfully unpleasant at worst. Your friend and her children don't deserve that.
Not only that, but if your husband is somewhat antisocial, then he's not a complete peach either. I get that you're probably getting some pressure from him here and maybe, just maybe, you'd otherwise not focus on some of this other guy's flaws so much.
It's perfectly okay not to spend time with them and for whatever reasons you feel are appropriate. I just wouldn't share those reasons with this friend, especially if her friendship means anything to you. In this instance I wouldn't address it unless she asks you directly why you won't make plans with them and even then, I would put the onus on yourselves and not them.
I'm sorry for your situation because I know it sucks.
If you want to keep your friendship with her then don't tell her that you (or your husband) think her husband is a jerk. Just like with their children, people are very sensitive about their spouses. Besides, if she doesn't already see that he is a jerk she won't see it just because you say so.
Even if she knows it to be true there is nothing to be gained from telling her what she already knows. Her bond and commitment are with and to her husband not you. Telling her something negative about her man will force her to choose and she's not going to choose you.
I think the most you should do is make a face. When you are around and he's being mean to her or the kids, make a sad face. I'm sure that's how you feel inside anyway, so go ahead and let it show and that will send the message.
I agree that you should tell her your husband is more of a homebody. You said he prefers to stay home and do things so that's not lying. You can also tell her that you aren't big on doing a lot of socializing which is also true. Then you two have have coffee or lunch or things with the kids sometimes. Best wishes.
Your friend knows better then anyone else that her husband is a JERK. She probably wants to socialize as much as possible with other people, so she and her children don't have to be on their own with HIM.
If you really care about her, you must be honest and let her know the reason you and your husband decline their invitations and let her know that you would prefer for you and she to do ONE on ONE lunches, shopping etc. She could probably use a friend like you who she can vent with.
Keep us posted.
Oh, that's a tough one! Unfortunately I don't think there's any way around it- you're either going to have to suck it up and go over there or tell her what the problem is.
is he so bad even at big hangouts? all of the scenerios you mentiond seem similar to when you see them at other peoples houses. If there will be multiple families there I don't see the issue? I could see if it were game night with J. your husband and hers because then you're forced to interact with him and you don't enjoy him but I don;t see it as an issue if it is a big group hangout..like on memorial day, or big bbq ....
Tell her holidays for you are spent with families because of time constraints. And just do woman or woman/kid stuff - leave the husbands out of it. If she really pushes the why re. hubby, just tell her that he's not a big "hang out" guy and it'll just be you ladies/kids.
Ditto Leigh R., verbatim.
Guess what? Mt stepfather is the pain in our lives, so we cannot avoid the invites every time.
I feel bad for my husband because he gets stuck with SF most of the time.
I have been very honest with my mom before she married him and after.. Even this last month when our daughter graduated, I had to tell my mom to deal with him.. He drives everyone insane.
He is so socially awkward, needy and lonely.. But he is just so clueless and backwards. We cannot avoid him every time. But at least my mom is very aware and she will admit it.
We try to be polite, but I have actually told hom " too far" or " calm down" he hates it, but I just have to let hom know we are not approving f his ignorant comments or attitudes.
I think you should just be honest. If you were in her shoes, you would really want people to lie to you? If everyone always tolerates her husband, he has no reason to change, he thinks people just like him.
Just be honest, it is the best policy.
This is the way I see it...
You don't ever see yourself being close friends anyway, right?
Seeing how that is the case, I suggest honesty be your best bet...it might even be a good thing, if you say it correctly?!
"I am sorry Jane, I love all the invites but we have to decline, your husband is not very nice and we do not enjoy spending time with him. Wish you could talk to him and let him know he is being a grouchy guy"
Or something to that effect?
~It really is nice of them to keep inviting you...sounds like they really like you and your family, which is a good thing! If I were you, I would do my best to try to get the issue solved and give the husband a chance, at least, to become a better person from all of this?!
Luckily, most of those days are days that most people have other plans.
To save face, I would try to arrange gatherings at times when the husband was not around. Maybe just you and the kids go over? On holidays, you could do a quick stop by of about an hour. Long enough to not appear rude, just long enough to be torturing, but short enough that you can move on to other activities later that day.
Can you go out to public places together that would make it less concentrated? Maybe the beach or amusement park would work better? I understand completely - I wonder if it would be best just to say something like your husband and her husband just don't have a lot in common? My son has a friend who is trouble - I don't want my son spending any more time with this child than is absoluatley neccessary at school. But, the boy and his mom used to constantly ask to hang-out (too old to call them playdates anymore!) I kept politely deflecting - it took a few years but they finally stopped.
I don't think there is a way to do it without coming out and telling her. Maybe see if just the two of you can get together and spend time together and maybe you can bring it up in conversation. That's the only to get it across. I have a similar situation with a friend that will ask for my boys to come over and hand out with her son. He's my oldest son's age but because of developmental issues he's that maturity lvl of my youngest and my youngest like the kid but my son get's too rough with him. Not to mention their dad smokes in the house and for that long of time I don't think he would do it outside cause my boys can't be around smoke. They have asthma. So I understand it's hard so you either tell her or just keep making excuses each time.
Good luck and God Bless!!!
