Ok, this is kind of a subject that I don't see on here much. I need a little help. I just caught someone VERY close to me, in my immediate family, doing drugs. Well can't really say caught him in the act, but found a text message in his phone detailing it. I forwarded the txt to my phone for evidence.I know it wasn't right for me to look at his phone, but I thought he was cheating by all the stuff that has been going on, but it was something else that he didn't want me to know. He had done it a while back and I told him no more and he said ok that it would be easy to quit, but here we are again. Tired of the deception and all the stuff that goes along with it. I need to know of a way to tell him I know. Last time I was in his face when I found it in his wallet. I don't want to do that this time. I want to maybe bring it up when in front of the counselor. Just not sure what to do? Ok sorry ladies, yes it is my husband and yes we are going to counseling. I told him last time that if he did it again I would divorce him, but I don't want to divorce him. We just got back together from a seperation and I thought we were going to be fine once we started going to counseling. Now I know why he had all the mood swings and "spending the night at the office" or coming home really late when he said he's be home earlier. Please help.
Wow! Thank you all for your support. Well after staying up all night worrying about it, I prayed about it and confronted him the next morning. Fessed up as soon as I asked about it. He lost his job that day for it. He is the bread winner. So it was a hard day for us on Friday. The good thing is, he found another job that same day and we are still going to counseling together and he will be going himself too. He is going through some serious withdrawls from it though. It is soo hard to watch. Oh and by the way, I mentioned last time I found it, well, he had never stopped using then. He tried for about 5 days then turned to it again. Totally didn't know. He said it was hard to quit and he tried a few times, but knew it was noticable and he didn't want me to know he had never stopped doing it. Now I do know that yes I would have noticed, it is pretty rough. Oh and we talked to the counselor today about it, so he knows what is going on. Thank ya'll so much again!
I personally would bring it up in front of the counselor. This way you would have a witness and support. Maybe tell him how much you love him and that you do not want a divorce but he needs to prove that a divorce is not the answer - like rehab or AA meeting(but for drugs). Tell him that you are only willing to try if he is!
Good Luck!
M.
www.justamom.morethanonemoment.com
I would *strongly* suggest talking with the counselor on your own, before confronting your H... and finding out when and where all the local al-anon & nar-anon meetings are being held in addition to treatment centers, because he's going to need an "assessment" at the very LEAST... and YOU are going to need massive support while you figure out what you want to do. Hugs. Hard choices ahead. (An assessment by a good treatment facility will gauge his level of use/ need for treatment: aka none/ outpatient/ or inpatient.) Assessments (as long as they're not court ordered are free at every facility I know of. Maybe 1 in 5 choose to pursue tx after their assessment (not a statistic, merely observational. from working med admin in a premier treatment center).
Many marriages survive Recovery, but many do not. Many don't even make it to the grueling Early Recovery stage (aka first 2 years clean)... because the addict or alcoholic just keeps using. A great deal depends on the individuals involved, and their actions. There is no way to "control" an addict, no way to make them stop. The first year is very very ROUGH... and the first couple of months are killer. Here's some information to pour through:
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/hff80105.page
http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/hff80707.page
Best,
R
R.,
I have walked in your shoes. I can tell you that it has been a pretty difficult last 3 years. I got to the point that I was going to have a nervouse break down because of his addiction. When he saw the effect it was having on me he decided to check into a treatment center and for 45 days I had peace. He did not complete the treatment but was lead to attend Celebrate Recovery. He asked that I join him and I did in my mind for him but I did not realize what a blessing it would be for me. I finally realized that I was as sick as him. I was codependent, angry and resentful and had some childhood issues to deal with. I started going to Celebrate Recovery for "ME" and have learned some valuable tools. By the Grace of God I have been able to overcome anger and resentment issues. I have made friends like I never could imagie existed. I have found an incredible support team. If you or anyone want to know more feel free to PM me. Healing myself was the best thing I could for myself, my child and my addict/alcoholic.
I haven't read all of your responses yet but I do want to just quickly say that the best thing to do is bring it up in front of the counselor, or even see the counselor alone and let him/her know what is happening and the counselor can advise you how to handle this situation. The counselor should be trained to handle this situation and they can best guide you and him to get the best help you can get. after all isn't that what you are paying a counselor for...
it may be that your counselor can refer your husband to someone that specializes in drug addiction so that that aspect can be treated separately from the marriage counseling, keeping the focus on the marriage, with a separate focus on the drug addiction for your husband.
Let me say that you are very brave to post asking for help. I am sure it has been very difficult for you. I will be praying for you to find the right answers and not become a addict yourself. Sometimes when you love someone so much and you want that person back you fell in love so badly, you become addicted to hope. Hope that they change, giving chance after chance even if your heart has been broken a million times, then they are good for a couple of weeks and your hope cycle starts again. It will destroy you and your family. Counseling is great but I think the last time you go together should be to tell him you know he is using and from this point on you need to seperate. But keep going by yourself. Like the other ladies have said he will only kick it if he really wants too. Stay strong.
I would talk to your counselor and see what your counselor suggests. Since this is not the first time he has a serious problem that needs to be addressed before somebody gets hurt.
Live with it, or hold on tight for some tough love. His life is not over, and the relationship is not over unless, that is what one of you want. If you are sensitive, toughen up. It is not an easy road, but he can recover.
I don't mean to sound harsh...but if your husband is addicted then you can't trust anything he says or does. If he's an addict, he's a liar and the drug will always be more important than you. I'm sure you still love him but you can't stay with a man that makes those choices....especially if you have children. I'm very sorry. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.
Honesty is the best policy. Just say what you saw and what you think and feel about what you saw during the next counseling session. Please do not hesitate or think that there is some magic way to confront someone who is making your life miserable. The counselor is trained and will help the two of you deal with it.
I agree with Lorie. If your husband is using drugs he is an addict and for an addict the drug is always in first place. And if he's being unfaithful after a separation and been coming to counseling, I believe he's a lost cause. The combination of drugs and and lack of faithfulness is a major hurdle for both of you. I suggest you leave, tell him that when he gets his act together to give you a call.
You really must continue in couselling for your own well being. If you want you can still do counseling with your husband but until he's off drugs you will make very little headway.
When I was in counseling with a significant other the counselor asked each of us what we wanted from our relationship. My main wish was for a monogamous relationship. My significant other said he didn't think he could be monogamous. The counselor then said that he thought the only question left was "who gets the counselor?" It was difficult to let go of the relationship but I realized that was the only healthy choice that I had available. It was obvious we had two different expectations that were incompatible.
We cannot change anyone else. We can only change ourself. I was not willing to accept sharing. I'd already been there and done that with him. It made me miserable. An expectation of monogamy is a reasonable expectation. Expecting him to be monogamous is not reasonable.
Expecting anything from anyone on drugs is unreasonable. They are not able to be committed to anything except the drug.
I have been through the same thing. The difficulty of the situation is beyond words. I will say a prayer for you & your family. I glanced over some of the other answers & I agree that you should definitely discuss it with your counselor. I would also like to suggest a book --- it's called "I Don't Want a Divorce: A 90-Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage" --- it is set up to help people who have a trouble marriage --- from marriage just isn't great to serious problems like addiction --- it will work for you whether your husband is interested in helping the situation or not. My husband & I have worked through it & it has worked wonders. If you are involved in a church, I would also seek help there --- that was one of the other things that really saved our marriage. I pray that everything works out for you guys!
If you truly want to stay with him and work it out, you have to approach him with love in your heart. You have to understand he likely has zero control over himself and carries ALOT of shame over what he is doing. People want to toss drug users to the wayside when really it is an addiction no different than overeating, it just carries legal consequences, and that allows people to feel self-righteous when confronting this issue. I would tell him the truth, you were concerned about cheating and you looked at his phone. You realize now whats going on and if he's willing to move forward and REALLY nip this in the butt then so are you. Without all the details it's hard to know if this is something he"ll be able to kick without treatment. He will likely downplay his addiction and only by being completely honest will either of you be able to move forward from this. IMO, you need to talk to him first without blindsiding him at the counselors and making him feel on the spot. Then you can approach your counselor for help as a united front with a game plan in motion. He/she can help you tweak this plan so that it has a real chance for success! Good luck, you sound like you are willing to stand by your man in this crisis and I applaud you for that! I hope he is willing/able to make the changes he needs in order for you to have a happy and successful life together. :)
First it would be helpful to know what kind of drug or drugs is he doing? How he is doing it is also important injection, smoking, snorting, or swallowing. Alot of drugs can be done a number of ways for example speed. You can smoke it, shoot it up, and I've even known some people to swallow it. The addiction is way more intense if it is shot up rather than smoked because when injecting with a needle it goes straight into the blood stream fast giving the person a quicker way more intense high. As long as he is doing anything but using a needle I would say the road to recovery will be a little bit easier (come down and withdraw will be less intense when giving up the drug for good). Unfortunately you being in his face will push him to do it more as he will want to escape from the pressure you are putting on him. Another thing how often is he doing this, is he really addicted (like does he do it every single day or at least a couple of times a week)? Doing it once every few months is not an addiction, it would be more of poor judgement;just a desire to get high and get away from it all OR it could mean he just does it cause his friends happen to have it around at the time and he is like yeah sure ok i'll do a little. It may be easy to quit if he is not doing it all the time, in that case what is hard to give up is the desire to escape and feel the euphoric feelings from getting high.Your husband may also be reluctant to listen to you because (I'm guessing) you have never done what he is doing. Alot of druggies won't take a clean person seriously if they never walked the path. Now I am not saying to partake in what he is doing but if you decided to just once he may give you credit for what you saying in trying to quit. Sometimes you have to walk in a persons shoes no matter how filthy if you want to help them by yourself (and people reading this please don't bash me for saying this). Seeing as that is not the best thing to do and you probably won't want to, a counselor might be helpful but make sure its a recovering addict counselor because your husband will take more of what they say to heart. If you really want to stay with him you will have to be patient and extremely empathetic, you will also have to know that it is likely he may do the drug again once or twice after months of being clean before he is clean for good (a druggie will always have taste for that high even after years of sobriety). If possible moving to a new city where none of his drug freinds are is good way to stay clean (peer pressure is terrible even as an adult or just easy access to the drug is bad). Unfortunately most people do not stop for good until a traumtic event occurs causing the person to "wake up" so to speak. If you love him support him, be there for him, and try not to judge. I have been there on both sides of the equation years ago, please write me if you want to talk more.
Tell the counselor beforehand and come up with a plan of where to take him for rehab after you confront him together. Then confront him in front of the counselor. But have a plan on what to do with him after you tell him for sure. Let him know you will not stay with him unless he gets help. Just saying unless you quit isn't good enough - he can lie about that, and at this point he has no trust points. You need the proof of seeing him in a rehab center. Sadly, that doesn't even insure that he won't do drugs when he gets out, but at least its a start, gets him of the drugs for now, and shows your serious. Let him know you love him and this relationship is important to you, and if it wasn't you would be leaving.
Divorce him and turn him in. You do not need this to be the father of your children,. G. W
