I Really Need Help Right Now....

You literally caught him with his hand in the cookie jar! I am certainly no expert in drug problems and can not diagnosis him. But if I were you I would ask him to get his own meds or therapy to deal with whatever is bothering him so much that he wants to numb out. You certainly have the right to ask him to go see someone about this because when the trust is gone in a marriage it is hard to get it back. If he decides not to make an effort to make it right then you might consider another serious option.

I can't imagine what you're going through. The only thing I can think of is suggestions to him NA meetings. They're supposed to be confidential and wouldn't jeapardize anything, but maybe he'd get some help that way?

Dear S.,
It is so good that you are reaching out. I totally understand being afraid to talk to anyone you know, but you need to get some help. Listen, I have been through the chronic thing too. I went through numerous operations and my husband was taking my medication too. At one point, he literally put me in the car and took me to doctors to say that my medicine wasn't good enough and I needed something stronger. When he asked me to share my medicine and I said no, he reminded me that he was the one paying for all of it and he couldn't believe how selfish I was being. As a result, I resorted to hiding my medicine. I told him that I didn't have any. What ended up happening was that I wasn't getting the medicine correctly because I had it stashed all over the house so it would be there when I needed it. And that is no way to live. It's very disfunctional. I don't know what meds you take, but after one episode in the hospital that almost killed me, WHILE I was pregnant, of all times, I was sent home with Fentanyl patches. I had been on I.V. Fentanyl for 3 months in the hospital. Talk about hard core and regulated....it can be lethal under improper conditions. Anyway, true to form, my husband demanded one of my patches. I said NO. First of all it would be illegal for me to do that, second of all, he had no legitimate reason and no idea what he was trying to mess with. He informed me that his back hurt really bad and if I was a good wife, I would share with him after everything he had to put up with by me being hospitalized. He verbally, abusively badgered me about it. So, as ill as I was, just to shut him up, I gave him one. He put it on and within 3 minutes he was screaming like an infant for me to get it off of him because he could not move his arms and legs at all and was freaking out that he was going to die. To be honest, all I really was thinking was...."Tried to tell you, idiot. Now, you have wasted some of MY medicine because you thought you could just have fun getting high." I divorced him after I had the baby. I have a friend whose husband is addicted to Vicodin after his knee injury and if the doctor won't give him anymore, he finds and takes anything that she has. I don't agree with it, but she will not take her meds and gives them to him because it's better than the tirade if he doesn't have any. I broke my leg last September and I refused pain medication. I do not want to be one of those sorry people. I'm on seizure medication and it is so freeing to know that I don't have to worry about some doofus wanting a pill. For the fun of it. If you can't trust your medicine in your house around your husband, kids, friends, whoever.....there is a problem. If your husband is the kind of addictive personality that there can be no meds in the house, then you have stop taking your medication OR get him out of the house and into treatment, for the sake of your family. My husband refused to get help or acknowledge any of it. So he's gone. Your husband may be better than that. Hiding it isn't going to change anything. Seek help. Talk to your doctor. Talk to a counselor. Talk to someone who can help. If you don't.....it's gonna get worse. I wish you all the luck in the world, I really do. But luck is not going to help you through this.
Take care.

* Just as a side note: I was 33 and my husband was 43 when our son was born. We had a 9 year old daughter at the time.

Hi S.,
I would love to encourage you two to get some help. Addiction is a powerful disease and you aren't really dealing with your husband that you love and once trusted- you are talking to his disease. addiction is not something to handle yourselves and it can easily destroy a good marriage with the elements you have already experienced -lying, stealing and mistrust- not to mention the possibility of losing a job and the stress that may bring. Please call someone- addiction counseling, a hotline of some kind - to find support and programs in your area. God Bless you and your family!

Hi Stacie!

Even worse than not being able to sooth our children is when we are having emotional troubles with our spouse. It's so hard for us to be a loving parent at these times when our emotions are distracted. They DO happen, but your situation seems a little extreme. I am so sorry that you are forced to decide whether you can "trust" your husband or not. That is something that I hope I never have to deal with. But, in trying to help you this morning, I am trying to decide what I would do in your situation.

I think I would do the same as you....put your meds under lock and key. This will probably create more friction between the two of you, due to lack of trust on both of your parts, but in order to keep your meds safe and there when YOU need them, it seems like the only temporary solution.

Question: Is he NOT allowed to go to his own Doctor for treatment to deal with his anxiety? Why doesn't he have his own prescription if he needs something so bad?

Or, maybe he has an addiction, and truly doesn't NEED it but only DESIRE'S it. If this is the case, I think you have a whole other "ballgame" on your hands, and it will NOT be easy to deal with.

I think you need to deal with this one step at a time. Answer one question at a time, and treat it one step at a time. Simplify it for yourself in order to make the best decisions. Like, can he have his own prescription....yes or no? If yes, then get him one. If no, then talk why he thinks he needs it. If it's his job stress that leads to meds, then he should switch jobs to avoid an addiction, right?

I'm not sure, S., but if you need someone to "talk" to, then I will be here for you. I know what it's like to NOT have anyone to talk to about your husband. My husband and I are in a very WIDE circle of friends and family who all love my husband. But if I ever need to "vent" about something serious, I don't want to discredit the man he really is....after all I was only venting :o) Anyway, I understand that part of your problem, so I will be a good "listener" for you if you need it.

That's all I have to offer today, it's not much, but I hope it helps your heart.

:0) N.

Why on earth is he taking your meds? Those are prescribed for your condition. The doc that gave them to you are going to suspect something is going on. Get them under a locking key. Nothing wrong with that. If he's so depressed, he should see a doctor and stop taking yours. Anytime someone gets off pills there is a possibility of withdrawal. Some prescribed meds can be addicting. Hide those pills from him. If he cares about your health, he will stay out of them.

Hi S.,
My heart goes out to you! I've experienced a lifetime of addiction through my parents and I can tell you two things that I truly believe to be true. One is that addiction is a disease. It's as simple as that. It isn't a matter of pride or what others will think about you or your husband. And it isn't about betrayal and trust. It's about a chemical, physiological, and emotional dependency on this substance. If he is addicted to pain meds he WILL be found out. The disease will run its course and will come to light one way or the other. The second thing is that there is not one thing that you can do to force your husband to address his illness if he is denying the problem. Believe me, I know about this. I tried to get my mother to stop drinking for the last ten years and it took over my life. It was only after she decided for herself to seek treatment and reclaim her life that she stopped drinking. Unfortunately, addiction infects those around the addict as well as the addict himself. Denial, making excuses, misery, co-dependancy, are all experienced by those who love the addict. You need to seriously think about yourself and your children right now - I realize it's easy to say, much harder to do - but unless your husband comes to see what he's doing and what's at stake, and until he decides to seek help, you can only prolong the inevitable.
I will not forget your letter. I hurt for you. I will keep you in my prayers. Best wishes and healing strength to you! T.

S.,
Your anger is justified. You do need to confront your husband, but it's a good thing you "typed" out your initial anger to the mamas before talking to him. Have you thought that he may need a rehab program of some sort to assist him? Perhaps a very calm discussion about is what you need. I'm sure he isn't meaning to be hurtful to you in regards to your pain and need for medication. Rehab is not about a pride thing, it's about getting help he needs. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but he clearly can't control himself. I would try not to be too focused on the trust aspect of your marriage - as in other things going through your mind (unless you have other reasons that you didn't mention). I hope he'll be open to seeking care.

I read all the advice given so far. The only correction I can give you is, an addict WILL LIE to you, looking directly into your eyes. You want with all your heart and soul to believe him. His addiction has taken over his heart and soul. His addiction will lie to you. His addiction will cry real tears. His addiction will promise you anything. His addiction will be so convincing. And there you are, wanting this to all go away, loving the man he was (appears to be when he has his "meds"). Nothing matters to the addiction except getting more of what it needs. Only the addict truly doesn't believe that. The addict truly thinks he has everything under control and that you are over-reacting. Using the safety of your son and your personal health needs will probably not matter to the addiction. If the addiction is in place long enough, it has control over the man you love and he doesn't care (regardless of what he tells you). The addiction will not go away just because you lock up your meds. I am so sorry to be so blunt. Addiction sucks.

Consider that perhaps losing (or walking away) from his job might be a good idea. Perhaps the pressures of this job are what prompted the the drug use. If so, there is no way he can go through withdrawals and work the rehab process while under the same pressure. If you are ready to see this through, be prepared for the financial fall out. Again, I am so sorry to sound so negative. Your husband can beat this. You can come out OK. But it won't be easy.

Rehab will probably be the answer. Expensive. Usually needs at least 3 tries. With all of the heartache in between. I am not trying to discourage you. But this is the reality of addiction. Rehab is also public, so to speak. Your family and friends will know. I have complete empathy with you wanting to keep this private.

In an effort to keep "privacy" I found a program online with a workbook. The Jude Thaddeus Home Recovery Program. Maybe this will help help lead your husband to an in-house rehab program. My adult son never even got to see it. He has been dead 3 years now. He would have been 30 on his birthday this year. His addiction was not prescribed meds, but the premise of addiction, be it tobacco, alcohol, prescribed drugs, or illicit drugs is the same.

From my research: Addiction is a brain disease. Relapse is part of the disease but not necessarily a sign of failure. Addiction is a treatable illness. The longer an addict is in treatment the greater the chances treatment will be effective. Addiction is NOT a moral failure. Drugs and alcohol can "hijack" the brain's reward system and pleasure pathways. The risk factors for addiction may include genetic and environmental factors such as stress and availability. Treatments for addiction are as effective as treatments for other chronic relapsing diseases such as diabetes, hypertension, and asthma.

I speak to groups regarding choices. I hope to be able to affect at least one life, but mostly I do it for me - so that I can feel the child's life that I gave birth to has meaning. If I had the magic words to say to your husband i would. I don't. But keep trying and trying if you have the emotional strength to. But don't forget about your son. He needs you too. Whatever your decision is, it will not be wrong. You are in a tough spot. My heart truly aches for you. I wish my son's wife was strong enough to have worked to get him the help he needed. Maybe your husband's mom feels the same. You might get support there. But I know very few people understand addiction and you might have to spend a good deal of time educating others.

Addiction is not easy to deal with but many, many people work through it. Keep educating yourself, weighing advice you are given, and keeping yourself - first and foremost - healthy. All good wishes go out to you.

Hi, S.;
I think this is something he does not want to be doing. He knows it's wrong. He loves you. He is struggling with the temptation of the meds, and I would be blazing mad too, if I were you. Tell him right away you and him will need to talk about this, but on a day when you are both ready....with a deadline of 3 or 4 days. While you are waiting for the agreed upon day, pray to God for the right words. On the day, hold his hand and begin to talk. When your turn is over, listen completely to his turn for when he talks. Consider saving whatever answers you get on your computer from this site for showing him the bigness of this problem and how it hurts you, if he still is hiding from the reality of it. You two will have to brainstorm and maybe write down ideas of how to solve this problem. Get help from someone outside your marriage, and remember: most of, if not all, of your families have had problems as bad or worse than this. You just may not know about them. J.

I know you love him but is he showing his love for you as he is stealing your medications? He needs help and keep the pills well hidden, because addicts won't give up. My son stole my pills several times and sold half the stuff in my house to support his habit. Make him go to the Dr and see if the dr will give him his own prescription. You may want to warn the nurse so she knows what is going on and will over counceling. Becarefull, drug addicts get mean and violent...unfortunately I have been there. Hang him there and don't let your guard down. You are welcome to write me anytime. May God bless your home family and guide you throught this situation. YOur friend S.
s

Terri C is right on the money.
I just went to a forum last night the speaker was a superior court judge that works mainly in drug court. He said that when addiction occurs, the part of the brain that has to do with decision making is basically disconnected.
If a person without addiction thinks about taking a drug they may think "should I take this drug? If I do I may get arrested, injured, addicted, grounded or whatever"
An addict thinks "should I take this drug? YES!" and that is it.
Also, he showed us films of brain activity for normal thinking and then that of an addict in intervals of being clean and sober and the findings were that it takes about 3 months for the brain to BEGIN to function normally. This means that rehab must be on going.

Addiction is FOR LIFE! People with addictions must follow strict programs and stay away from the addictive substances for life or they WILL use again.

This makes it extremely difficult because of your medical need for this medication.

You have a lot of decisions to make, but pretty much you and your family have a lot of pain ahead.

God be with you.

i am so sorry... you have every right to be mad... there are some huge issues here... if he is looking to Rx meds to self treat unhappiness well... a slippery slope... and the painful part is that he did this at your expense! whatever counseling is needed needs to start now.
listen... i was moved to write to you more for your chronic pain issues.... my girlfriend had nerve damage in her back and was in a wheelchair from the pain. she contemplated suicide... it was severe! she had been to every specialist known, accupuncture, etc. Last ditch effort was to go to UCLA pain clinic/ class... not sure what they call it... but it was a 4 week (you stay down there) working on a multidisciplinary level... she is 100% functional now and off all narcotics... she says she has a second chance at life...it has been a while and she is still going strong. she told me if ever i knew anyone suffering from chronic pain to tell them about this.... i wish you luck.
H.

First, please know that you are not alone. There are many of us who have had to deal with an addiction of one kind or another in our marriages. It is an isolating, horrible situation and my heart goes out to you. I am thankful to see that you are willing to fight this out and turn things around. This issue goes way beyond trust. Your husband has an addiction problem, and until he is able to address it, he will never break free from it. For your marriage, for your son, and for your husband's life, you MUST insist that he seek help. There ARE programs out there, and they ARE confidential. I know it's scary to share something like this with someone, but if you choose wisely, it can be the first step toward healing and restoration. It is the first step toward the relationship and family you want, need, and should have. You will be in my prayers.

S.,
I am so sorry you are going through this, addiction is a horrible disease. Your husband needs professional help and if he's been doing this for years I don't think he can quit on his own. I would approach him in a loving, understanding way and explain how it is easy for this to happen but he needs help before he tears your family apart. If he is addicted and you take your meds away he will find another way to get them and this could lead him into very dangerous territory. This will be the hardest thing that you may ever have to do but he needs an intervention! Protect yourself and your son and get him the help that he needs.

S.,
I was sorry to hear about your situation. That's a real tough one! I think that, if you want to resolve it without confiding in others who will turn around and judge him, the best thing to do would be to confront him. I believe honesty is the best policy. The person may not like what you have to say but I cannot imagine he would lie right to your face if you are looking into his eyes pleading for the truth and expressing how much pain you are in. And if you feel you have already done that I would say limit his options. Don't give him a choice on how things will play out. It's harsh but with addiction problems sometimes that is the only way to get through to them. I wish you luck! I hope things get better for you.

Hi S.,

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I work in the medical field and understand how medication can be addicting. If you want to work it out with your husband the first thing I would do is get counseling. You need to be able to trust your husband. He needs to be able to trust you too. With out trust, your relationship will constantly go through these issues about your meds. He sounds like he needs to detox, so it would benefit him to go through a proper drug addiction program. I know all of this is easier said than done, but realistically speaking if he doesn't get the help, he will have a hard time kicking the addiction on his own.

Good luck to you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
B.

Hi S., Tell your doctor! Your husband is hooked on your pain pills. He needs some help getting off and some help dealing with the problem that got him their. I know that living with pain is no fun. However, have you ever tryed anything eles to help you with your pain? Acupuncture? It's not a cure all, but you will be able to get rid of, or take a lower dose of the pain pills. Taking pain meds all the time is hard on your body! Like your kidneys for one. I had an uncle who ended up on dialysis due to long term pain medication. Dialysis is no life! (I have taken care of dialysis patients for over 6 1/2 years) Also, you might want to try some relaxation things, like meditation. The less stress and tense you are, the less pain you will have. Stress can give us more pain and illness, then we realize. Tenston, will also aggravate old injuries. Causing more pressure and pain. Medical information is confidential. Tell your doctor that you just want your husband to be able to get help and not get the rest of his life messed up trying. (like loosing his job)

Hi S.,

My heart goes out to you. You have a very difficult situation to be certain.

In order to deal with your husband's weakness toward addiction you must first deal with your own addiction. Chronic pain is a reality. Pain that does not go away is most often caused by drugs that make people dependent on them. There are alternatives, but you will have to suffer the withdrawals of what you live now. This thought is very frightening I know. I seriously question the competence of any doctor who would prescribe narcotics for years on end.

Begin by getting the opinion of other doctors to help you reduce, if not eventually eliminate, your dependence on these drugs. Seek out a chiropractor who also specializes in nutrition and wellness lifestyle. Accept the need for counseling for yourself. Your efforts to beat your own addiction will give others strength, including your husband.

In the meantime, it sounds like your husband could benefit too, from counseling. There is no shame in seeking assistance to help us take back control of our life.

This is a beautiful. wondrous world. You can live it free of the fog and haze and the control of drugs.

My prayer for you is that God will show you the path you need to take, and give you the strength to walk that path.

L.

S., while you can keep your meds under lock and key, you cannot keep all meds under lock and key.

You need to be dealing with this addiction via rehab, counseling, whatever gets through. Your husband may turn to other sources to get the fix he needs, and then you won't even know what he's taking. Worse, he may move onto things other than prescription drugs.

If one person can casually give drugs to a friend, then your husband can get some casually from a friend.

It would be better to seek healing than risk seeing it get more out of control.

Hi S.,

First of all, let me tell you that I am sorry that you have to live with chronic pain. Just getting out of bed and doing the things that you need to do should get applause.

Now, on to the "love of your life". Please remember why you fell in love with him, and try to understand that your husband is an addict. If it wasn't your meds it would be drinking or gambling, or women... he doesn't want to do what he's doing. He is deeply ashamed. But his mind doesn't give him a choice. He is wired as an addict and he will have to understand how to manage that in order to live. I know you are angry, but I bet you're not nearly as angry at him as he is at himself. He's in the same boat as you in that he can't talk to anyone about this. I say lean on each other. Help him get the life coping skills he needs. He's still that man you fell in love with, only now he's in chronic pain too -- mentally. Good luck to you both.

V.

No, you didn't get back to where you trust him again. If you had, you would not question his answer. ALWAYS keep your meds under lock and key, and dont lie to yourself; He cant be trusted. No adict can. I'm not trying to be mean, just blunt. Let him come down, dont let him near your meds again, and never be fooled into thinking you trust him. BTW, he doesn't trust you either, or he wouldn't have to lie to you. This is not a relationship ender. None of us fully trust our significant others. If we did, it would mean that we have never lied TO them either...

I don't know if this would help or not, but if I were in this position I would hide all my meds somewhere my husband didn't know about, possibly burying them in the backyard in a box if it came to that.

Then, I would only medicate myself when he was away at work and take out just enough meds on Friday to get me through the weekend. Possibly hiding those few weekend pills in a fold of a balled up pair of socks in my undies drawer.

Step one. Get him off your drugs. Step two. Sort out your feelings with each other.

If you don't get him away from your meds first, all the talking in the world could be just a fart in the breeze if he has access again.

You could buy a small port-a-safe with either a combo lock or a key and don't tell him the combo or wear the key around your neck at all times. Lock your meds up!

He needs to go to rehab.

He is addicted to prescription drugs. Plain and simple. Addicts will lie, cheat and steal to get their fix. That's what addicts do. Addiction is a very powerful thing.

Get him medical help to break his addiction, and ongoing therapy to fight it from recurring.

And in the meantime yes...keep your meds under lock and key. STRONG lock and key.

Hi S..

It sounds like you married someone who has an addictive personality and that is not against you yet a disease within himself. I don't think he necessarily thinks about how it will affect anybody I am pretty sure he's only focused on getting that "Fix" to numb his emotional pain or fill a void within himself. I highly suggest going to Al-Anon which supports people in relationship with addicts of any kind (partners, family, friends, etc..). I am sure they could give better advice than most. Your husband may or may not even realize its a problem so help him understand that first by caring about his needs as well or let him hit rock bottom...your choice but somehow convince him to get help or talk to someone about it. Not to be harsh but if he see's you taking the meds he may not know how to diferentiate how much you REALLY need the meds which is enabling him as well. I understand he doesn't have the same medical condition as you however is there a way you can have surgery to fix your problem or find another medication that is not a narcotic? I recently watched "Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew" and there was a man on there who was an addict becuase of his back pain he's been suffering with for years..it was an interesting story. I don't know if I helped at all...but at least gave you some resources to seek help.

Best of Luck!!! Just be patient....