Daughter Drug Addicted Husband

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With children involved, especially not his own where this is enough of an adjustment if he did not have this issue, as well as his unwillingness to seek counseling which means he does not recognize that he really has a problem, personally I would divorce him.

I am sorry to hear about your daughter and grandkids... I will not share my story because this is about them!

TELL HER TO GET OUT!!!!!!!

I would recomend her going to an al-anon meeting, is for the people who are the loved ones of an addict. I my self am in recovery as well, and my daughters dad is as well and I have come to the point of just saying, you can make two choices one to walk towards me and your daughter or walk away from us by using.

But honestly all you can do is just give her advise and let her make the desicion on her own whether to leave or not. Its not so easy to let go at all.

but like I say al-anon is the BEST thing for her to go to, it will help her learn how to deal with someone who is struggeling with addiction.

and as for him, he has to make the choice on his OWN, nobody can choose for him, other wise he will confrom to what she wants for a little while but then go right back. I will be praying for her and the children.

I am open to talk at any time!!! so PLEASE do not hesitate: here is my email
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I am a child of a recovering alcoholic mother. My sister passed away when she was 26 from liver failure because of alcoholism. I will say that being "in the fire" its hard to see what needs to be done. However for the sake of those kids, your daughter needs to get OUT....The fact he says he can do it on his own is a LIE (but he believes its not)..he will get 'clean' after this bottle is gone....and then the cycle repeats. he NEEDS help. your Daughter should stay if he is serious about getting help. She needs to tell him she is leaving if he does not get help....and I GARUNTEE you he is going to call her bluff...he is going to continue doing the pills and then she stays (its hard to leave) but she needs to get out IF he doesnt get help. It may just take her leaving in order for him to get clean. She needs to understand that he is making the choice to love the drugs MORE than her. It would REALLY help for you and your daughter (and the kids) to get involved with an Al anon meetings to help you cope. Your daughter needs to realize that by her staying there and supporting his drug habit is ONLY teaching her kids thats its normal to live like this. Do it for the sake of the kids. However this is your daughters choice. If she choses to stay because its too hard to leave, then you as a mom and grandmom need to seek help...you go to the Al Anon meetings. I assume your daughter knows you have an open door for her and her kids to come stay while she regroups her life or he gets better.
All the best for you guys. ...I do want to forwarn you that its going to get worse before it gets better.

She should move out with the kids. By staying, she's sending the message to her kids that dad's behavior is ok.

My husband had addiction trouble in his late teens. His mom sent him to live with his dad and his dad ultimately kicked him out. My husband will tell you that was the best thing he could have done. It really got my husband to realize things were serious and when he asked his dad for help, they got him treatment and he's been sober ever since.

Sometimes it takes a real kick in the pants for addicts to realize life isn't ok and that they need help. For now, your daughter's #1 priority should be protecting her kids from this situation and I feel that means moving out and getting away from it. Should her husband decide he wants help, she can be supportive but I don't think she should reunite until he's completed treatment.

I am so sorry that you daughter and the rest of your family is having to go through this. I once had a boss that was addicted to pills so I know a little bit about the type of crazy-making it can cause.

My suggestion for your daugther is to attend her local Al-anon chapter. She would probably be able to get a lot of support of other members who also have family members with addiction issues. They should also be able to give your daughter coping strategies that will help her and her daughters be able to set up appropriate boundaries with your son-in-law and clarity on whether or not it is in your daughter's best interest -- and her daughters' best interest -- whether to continue on with the relationship or call it quits. I wouldn't blame her though if she does decide that his addiction problem is too much for her to bear. She has her daughters safety and well-being to think of first and foremost and being in a relationship with an addict is a rough road to travel down.

Hope this helps. Sending your family prayers of clarity and strength.

P.S. I really like Denise P's response. Well put.

Tell her to get out now! I hate to put it that way but he isn't willing to get the help he truly needs and isnt willing to truly try to quit. His habits very well could get those kids taken away from her if she stays. She can support him emotionally from a different home but she should not support him financially at all. Trust is a must since every relationship needs if if she doesn't see it coming back then why stay?

I agree with the ones that said she is enabling him. He needs to be the one to show that he is serious enuf to get the help he needs if he truley means it. I also agree that she needs to get him out of the house if he is not going to seek all the help he needs, because he will never recover successfuly. The point I wanted to make though that the others didn't was that she needs to get away from him, but it doesn't mean she has to divorce him or not support him. 7 yrs ago when my husband was dealing with his addictions, I heard all the excuses in the world. And after 2 yrs I had finally had enough. He had lost his job and had basically hit rock bottom. So I told him I could not support that behavior any longer. I told him I loved him and wanted nothing more than for him to get sober, but that he had to move out! So he immediately called MHMR of Tarr. Co. and signed up to be evaluated for their Rehab Program. There is a waiting list but for him it only took 2 weeks until they had a spot open. So he checked in to rehab for 28 days, (although recovery takes so much longer!!) But when he got out he thought that was all he needed to do and thought he could move right backin. I told him no he had to get his own place and get a job and maintain both until he proved that he was sober! So that was what he did. And 3 years later we finally got married and have now been married for almost 3 yrs. So I just wanted to say that just becuz she makes him move out or she moves out doesn't mean she has to give up on him, she just shouldn't tolerate that behavior from him any longer! He needs to be the one that does the work to recover not her! I pray for her stength and wisdom through this ordeal! God Bless you!

She needs to leave. Now, normally, I would say to stay together and work through this... but he is unwilling to seek counseling and help.

If he sees the emptiness in his life and his family gone, and then decides to seek professional help and stick with it, then she can come back into his life, and emotionally support him through those programs... but for now, her and the kids need some peace in a safe place.

I have first hand exp with this my ex husband of 3 yrs was also addicted to pain pills and he was a RN and had easy acess to them. He was taking about 15-20 a day. Every time he would try and stop u would become impossible to be around he yelled at me and his daughter often she was 13 at the time . It took him losing his job and his lisence for 2 yrs to get back on the right path. We ending up splitting shortly after he lost his job bc of his tempur. But now 4 yrs later he i believe is still clean and has custody of his daughter ( my then step daughter) they seem happy .... but it did take him losing everything to get clean bc he also refused to go to classes but he believed he didnt have a issue. Divorce is a horrible thing and if ur daughter is willing to stick w him ( if he is willing to get help) then he will love her even more for it. I got a email from my ex husband 2 yrs after we divorced saying that he wish he would have listened to me and got help sooner bc he knows now what he lost.

It is a disease, but w/anything you have to be willing to do more then take medication to help it. I was diagnosed bipolar years ago & although i take medication daily, I have to watch for my triggers. I can't allow myself to be tempted by impulses/compulsions. I have spent many nights at groups learning different ways of coping with and learning to validate other's feelings. It's a long process but well worth it. Good luck.

My parents were both alcoholics and drug users. My mom was able to get sober but my dad never could. My best advice would b that she separate from him, she doesn't have to do a legal separation, just a physical one, just for now. Being so close to the situation makes it hard to see what is right. They both need therapy and time to heal. Maybe a good counselor could help her work out what is right for her family and which steps to take next. I would also advise that she does not argue with him in front of the kids and that she assures them that she loves their whole family and is only doing what she can to help everyone.

I second the suggestion of going to Al-Anon meetings. This organization will give her the real-life support and experience of others who have family members with addictions. It will save her sanity and help her find a way forward. This organization has completely changed the lives of several friends who have come to rely on it.

My best to you all.

HE needs to be able to admit to his addiction and WANT to get help to find a cure.

I don't know why she refuses counseling at least a local pastor where there are no charges if you're a member of a church.

This is not healthy for the kids to see, i would strongly suggest for the sake of THE KIDS that she seeks counseling for the entire family. I have never been in a position like this, but maybe advise her to give him 30 days to actively get help, find a job, etc or leave with the kids and file an IMMEDIATE order for child support, and counseling and get supervised visitation ordered (if any). Court cannot make him go but they CAN remove his parental rights if he refuses to comply by going to such counseling or whatever they order him AND her to attend.

I can understand why she dosn't want the counselig, it's embarassing, but it's not JUST her anymore it's the kids, has she thought about going for their sake, not her's alone? If he's not working and she gives him the choice to fix the problem or lose all rights to the kids....if he loves his family like I'm sure he does he WILL seek help when she puts her foot down

The kids health and safetly should be her #1 priority. If the kids are safe and healthy/happy.... then she can help him. Otherwise, kids come first! I wish you and them all the best. Prayers for you all!!

I haven't read all of the responses so I may or may not be repeating others. If she truly loves him, then she needs to help him. When I say "help" I do not mean enable. He needs counseling. It is not possible for him to kick this on his own if his addiction had gotten that bad. When you say he is on meds for the opiates do you mean methadone? I believe if he is going to a methadone clinic that they can also offer some support.

Although it may be very hard for her- she needs to give him the ultimatum. "If you really love me, then you will do this for us." She cannot continue to live in that environment as it is. It's a terrible situation to be in which you cannot even trust your own husband to be alone with your children. He needs to get clean and sober and prove himself.

I would say that if she really loves him, she should try to help. Sometimes an addict just needs to know they're loved and supported to get the proper help. With that said... If he thinks he can do this all on his own... That's doubtful. I know one person that has, but it took them moving 2500mi away from the 'drug life' he knew and came home and get the love and support he needed. But prescription pills are everywhere and are easily gained. I know there are rehab facilities that will allow the spouse to stay with them for support, but that would mean the kids would need a care taker for that time they're both gone.

If she doesn't think she can handle it, maybe a separation can be set up until he can prove that he's no longer taking pills... And during that separation, do some sort of counseling.

But if he refuses help, he's not going to quit.

Alanon isn't just for families dealing with alcoholics... Have her check online for that.