A few months ago my BIL borrowed a large sum of $$ from us. I was mad about it at the time because my husband and I had just cashed in an investment so that I would not have to worry about bills while we were gone for a month visiting an Army hospital so my husband could have a large brain tumor removed. BIL called saying his cars had been reposed and that if he did not have reliable transportation that he would lose custody of his daughter. My husband wanted to loan him the money, but I did not. I knew we could not not help family, but I had a bad feeling about it, and was mad at his timing. He gave my husband the title to his motor cycle as collateral, I guess to ease my mind some. Well, 2 weeks ago he said he had decided to sell the bike so he could pay us back, and that he had a buyer with cash in hand, but he needed the title first. My husband sent it to him, and he received it last week. Since then we have heard nothing. I keep asking my husband if BIL sold the bike, or if he talked to him, and husband keeps saying "I forgot to ask", or " I meant to call but got busy". I know things have been crazy at my husbands work, and I do not want to be the source of added stress on him, but we are also waiting on that money to do some much needed work on our home. I am getting more and more worried since we sent back our collateral, and have a bad feeling my BIL has no plans to pay us back, but my husband trusts him and just keeps waiting. I do not know what to do. Should I drop it? Should I keep pushing husband to call and talk to BIL? Should I call BIL? Should I just accept that we will never see the $$ or get to fix our floors and try to find a way to not resent BIL? ($2000 of the money we lent him came out of my kids accounts, so in addition to not getting our money back, we will have to come up with the money to pay our kids back). I should have trusted my gut and said no to the original loan, but it would have caused major trouble between my husband and I. How would you ladies handle this?
Thanks for the responses ladies. I know I never should have let the money go, we really did not have it to spare. My biggest concern at this point is how to not hate/resent my BIL. I do not think I could stand to be around him now, since he knew we did not really have the money, and that half of it was coming from our kids accounts. I think in a way he feels like our kids do not deserve the money because they did nothing to earn it (we live in Alaska and the money in my boys accounts comes from their yearly Permanent Fund Dividends check they get from the state). I just do not think I can be friendly with him, or even civil at this point, and I do not understand how hubby can either?! I did not really trust him before, but my hubby was so sure of him and I wanted him to be a good person, so I gave in. I know it is lesson learned, but I do not think I can still treat him as family after this, our relationship was already strained, and has never been good. That is what makes it all so sad, that he was willing to sell out family just to keep from having to pay back his debts. :(
surprisingly, he is paying us back, slowly but surly. I have to say I have a new respect for him.
This is what I have learned when it comes to money and people hope it helps...
Never give/loan out more then you can affoard and no matter what is said, unless there is a LEGAL agreement do not ever expect to see that money back.
I think it's too late for this advice in your current situation, but for future reference, consider any "loan" to family a "gift" and never expect to see it again. If you go in with this mindset and are paid back, you will be pleasantly surprised and if you don't get paid back, well, you weren't expecting it anyway. I think in your case, I would maybe ask hubby about it again. Tell him how you feel about it all (calmly, of course, don't bash him for doing something you weren't comfortable with) and ask him to ask his brother for the money. Then, you have to let it go. If the BIL never pays you back, then lesson learned. Don't loan him anything else unless you're prepared to "give" it to him. Calling the BIL yourself would likely not go over well with your hubby (or the BIL) and I would not go down that road. Besides, since you're upset about it, you might be tempted to say something you would regret if you don't get the answer you want from him. You're just going to have to let hubby deal with this (or not, if he decides he doesn't want to pursue it).
I hope your husband's surgery was a success and that all is well with him, healthwise, now. Best of luck to you!
So, you gave your bil OVER 2,000 dollars? Honey, I would push, push, push, push, push! I don't care how mad my husband got, I wouldn't have allowed that money to leave the house (both my BIL's are POS's) and my husband wouldn't have allowed it either. You are right in that family is family, but you have family too, and your husband is going in for major surgery!! IMO, his family should have been giving YOU money to make sure your bills were paid while he was in the hospital for a month or longer.
I'm sorry, other's will disagree, but I just wouldn't be able to let over 2,000.00 that I never wanted to lend in the first place go.
.
You need to push this if you CANNOT afford to lose the $. Why don't YOU call your BIL and tell him you need the money and you will drive down there to get it. Or better yet-show up unnanounced. This way you will see if the motorcycle is still at his house.
However, somebody that is callous enough to bug a person who has a brain tumor for money will probably not care or keep up his end of the deal. I would say there would be a good chance you won't see the money. If it were ME-I would push like crazy for it.
Call him yourself, try to at cool about it. Let him know you don't want to add stress to your husband but since your family your confiding in him that the money wasn't really there to loan, blah, blah. Hopefully you letting him know it was only given due to extreme distress that he played out, he will realize he's not the only person in the world that struggles. I do hope it works out. Please keep us updated
I hear you. I would have one last conversation about it with your husband. It sounds like he knows what is going on but does not want to fess up. I would say something along the lines of, "If your worthless brother ever wants to see us again, he better pay us back. If he doesn't, he's dead to me." I think your husband will get the picture.
I don't think I could trust myself around BIL either. I have a tendancy to speak my mind. It doesn't sound like you see him much though. If he calls and you know it's him from caller ID, and your husband isn't home do not pick up the phone. Let your husband have all the contact.
Wow, J., that is hard.
Ultimately, I guess since it's your husband's brother, you can't make a huge deal out of this, or it will be harmful to your marriage.
I think there's a good chance you won't see that money again, but I think you need to come to an agreement with your husband that you will never lend your BIL money ever again. Then, if he agrees to that, you have to let this go.
Good luck with it.
How badly do you need the money? If you can do without, wait a few weeks.
If you need it, I'd call BIL myself and ask what the status is of the bike sale. Why didn't he sell the bike instead of borrowing from you in the first place? That's nuts. I'd be pi**ed off.
Chalk this up to learning a valuable lesson--never lend money to (or borrow from) relatives. It makes the turkey on Thanksgiving taste a whole lot different!
One of my favorite quotes from Mark Twain(I think!) is "Don't lend out anything you aren't willing to give away" I use that whether it's a book, an article of clothing or money, because odds are you aren't going to see it again and if it's an item, it will be returned the worse for wear.
I am sorry, it sounds like you are going to have to write this off as "stupid tax" and never loan money that you can't afford to give- ever again! Too bad you didn't keep the title- you could've sold the motorcycle.
The best thing for you and your marriage would be to discuss this with your husband- make a pact never to loan money again, and then let it go. You might not have a great relationship with BIL- but it will help your marriage if you and hubby are on the same page again.
Sorry about this!
~C.
It's his brother, so I would let hubby deal with it. Yes it was both of y'all's money, but if he does not pay you back, then next time he needs money, you will have all the more reason to say NO.
Hand your hubby the phone and say "since you haven't had time to call your brother about the loan, here's your phone. I'll make sure the kids stay quiet while you call him." If he doesn't want to call his brother, ask why not - bring up the fact that you don't feel it's fair to your own KIDS to give THEIR money to uncle.
This is hard. Most likely you will never get the money back. Getting mad at your husband for his brother's behavior will only hurt your relationship with your husband. I would talk to your husband about what he thinks about this and what he plans to do in the future when his brother asks for more money. Both of you need to agree on your response when BIL asks for money next time. When my brother asked for money, I gave it to him and told him if he doesn't pay me back. I would never lend him money again. He never paid back and never asked me again. I lent him money because I hoped he would pay back and I felt like I should first trust him to pay back. If he didn't pay, then I was justified in not trusting him in the future.
First of all, nothing wrong in helping out a family in need. However, you gave him as a LOAN, and all loans should be paid back. I would not push hubby to call for it, and I would not get "whiny" or upset in my request for it, I would call him myself, explain to him the need YOU have for the money (he obviously thinks you don't need it as bad as he does), then re-iterate that it was a loan and give him a timeframe to get it to you. It was a bad move to give him back his title knowing he might have monetary issues, but unfortunately its done already.
A few years ago my husband loaned $2000 to a friend who was laid off. He was supposed to be getting a check a few months later. So the few months comes and goes and no payment to us. I asked my hubby when is he going to be paying it back. well they did pay it back but it was a long time. and we were short Christmas money to buy for our kids and came to find out he didn't have it to pay back cause they went Christmas shopping and spent some on their house. I was pissed. I understand they needed Christmas too but it put us short by my hubby doing it. money can be stressful.
I've been hesitant to lend my own brother 100 dollars, for this very reason, I cant afford to not be paid back and he most likely wont. Your husband needs to be asking his brother every day, or his brother is going to assume you wont make him pay back the loan.
It sounds like your husband likely knows he will never see that money again. Or if so, it might be in increments over time. I don't think you should keep pushing your husband about it, but you should definitely have an agreement that you don't want something like this to happen again.
You say you wanted to say no to the original loan but it would have caused major trouble between you and your husband. Contacting your BIL yourself could cause the same thing. I think you should let your husband deal with his brother. I can bet he doesn't want you hating his brother and thinking he's a low life jerk and he doesn't want his brother thinking you're being a b**** about the money. Hopefully he can get his brother to do right and restore the family peace. I'm sure he's not happy either if his brother truly just burned him.
I had to borrow money from my boss one time. It was to fix my car. My job required that I have transportation so he couldn't really say no, but he made it a "loan". The very next paycheck I got, I paid him back every single penny and he was literally shocked. He said that no one had every paid him back so quickly, if at all, and when he gave me the money, he truly never expected to get it back. He never gave anything he couldn't live without.
I'll never forget him saying that.
I have helped people and they have promised to pay me back. But I didn't give it if I couldn't do without it. Those who didn't pay me back, never asked me again. They knew they still owed me and I never made a huge deal about it. I was glad for the times I had the money to help someone.
There is a saying, "Neither a borrower or a lender be." That's actually pretty good advice. Helping family is another story though.
My BIL has been so burned "lending" things to his kids that he never got back and it hurt him that they just figured they had it coming to them eventually anyway. My sister nagging him about it wouldn't have changed it. He just learned after a while to say no.
I'm pretty sure your husband knows you aren't happy so I wouldn't push too much. Done is done at this point. You'll get the money back or you won't. I wouldn't make your husband feel worse than he probably does.
Just my opinion.
Everyone is struggling right now, but it sounds like you have a chance to recover one way or another and that's a blessing if you can look at it that way.
Best wishes.
