Done Having babies...how Do You Deal?

Wish I could help you, but I knew the moment my first and only was born that I never wanted to have any more.

I adopted my only daughter, not due to fertility issues but she needed a home. I never felt the need to have one or went into parenting with the thought of how many I wanted.

Like OneAndDone said...there is so much more to parenting than the baby stage. I enjoyed each stage we were in and looked forward instead of backwards.

Sorry you moms feel incomplete.

Well, we have O. (as the name implies) and that's perfect for us.
I don't have much advice to offer other than there's SO much more to kids than the "baby phase"! There's always something new and exciting to look forward to as they grow. Maybe focus on that? Good luck!

Going to sound like a cliche, but this is really what works for me.
Be grateful. Real Gratitude every day. Rather than long for what used to be, live every day to the fullest and look forward to the future. Concentrate all your resources on your kids and think about what the kids would have to sacrifice if you were to get pregnant again.

reading all of your answers I'm feeling like a bad mom! :( I am glad that I only have 2 and that I'm done. don't get me wrong...I LOVE my kids more than anything! but i feel that I've experienced all there is to experience, ya know? I have a boy and a girl (no other kinds that I might be missing out on right? lol)...they are 7 years apart so I feel that I got to devote alot of one on one attention to certain milestones without the other one feeling left out. I feel that it was easier financially....no one needed diapers at the same time, no one needed braces at the same time, graduation parties are nicely spaced...stuff like that. Also I can afford to spoil them a little. Vacations for 4 are more easily affordable, as most hotels and such are designed for 2 adults and 2 kids, etc. I love babies...but I can't say that I miss 2 year olds much...and teenagers....well that's its own bundle of joy that I don't think I want to repeat over and over again! (mine are currently 18 and 11)
Instead of focusing on what you might be missing out on....take advantage of what you HAVE! make the most of it! ♥

I enjoyed every moment with our daughter. As she got older it was exciting to enjoy the freedoms from not having to be home with an infant instead to be able to freely enjoy events and traveling with her.

We did not end up running in 3 different directions with children in different activities, we could all attend things together instead of some children not being able to participate. Or a parent having to stay home because a child was too tired or too ill, to young.

We could be totally engrossed in what our child was doing instead of having to reign in everyone..

Yes, the baby bug hits, but in the long run, I know we are blessed because our child is so amazing and healthy. I do not want to take away from her, yearning for what is not going to happen.

I think a lot of women go through this, especially at the age when your "baby" isn't a baby anymore. I felt as you do... we have 2 and I would have liked to have 2 more. I thought about all of the things that would have to change if we did have another. From practical; bigger car, sharing rooms, bigger kitchen table... not to mention the cost of having another child, which increases as they get older. I also thought of silly things like having to wait for a table of 5 at a restaurant, being out numbered when they all get sick. And the environmental reasons for having fewer kids was a factor for me too.

What really helped me the most though, was realizing that I have 2 fantastic kids and parenting 2 kids well is a hard job! I want to be able to spend more time with each of them. I want to be able to afford to let them do extracurricular things they enjoy. I feel so grateful to have 2 healthy kids, that I almost feel greedy for wanting more.

And, you know... after all of those sweet baby stages are other really amazing stages of development too. They still need your guidance, advice, teaching, hugs, silliness, wisdom for a long long time... it's just in different ways. Interestingly, I have found that they have a lot to teach me too.

Good luck~ it goes away... embrace these young years with your little ones. They are a flash in time.

I'm 44 and my kids are 12 and 9. I'm an only child and always wanted 4-6 kids. But I didn't marry for the first time until I was 30 and had difficult pregnancies for both me and the babies. And I lived in CA at the time and worked so daycare cost was a factor, unfortunately. So my now ex and I decided not to have any more and be happy having a boy and a girl. I am remarried and wish I could have had a baby with my husband, but I was 40 and without insurance so we just couldn't do it. He has a daughter that is spec needs so we are happy with the 3 of them. I don't know that that baby ache really ever goes away. It randomly hits me and I know I'm going to likely be an old grannie by the time my kids have kids but I will have to be happy with that. =)

By the time we had raised my stepkids, and I was pregnant at 40, I knew I was only having this one. I have done what I can to enjoy every stage of her life. Each stage left behind brings something new and even better to experience!

My one is turning 6. I am a tiny bit sad he is not 2 or 3 or 4 anymore. I am so excited that he will be 6 and then 7 and we have so much to look forward to. There is so much he can do now that he couldn't when he was younger. He has so many opinions and questions and things he wants to do. (I knew a long time ago I would be one and done so this has not really been a big issue for us).

When I was younger I wanted to have baby three but being military and moving around a lot made our decision for us. The more kids you have the less likely you will be in a nice neighborhood or your living style will go down hill because of the needs or your children.

Several years later hubby mentioned the fact or thought of another but by then I was out of the baby stage no clothes, furniture or desire. Later when I went in to my OB/GYN and found out that I had endrometrosis in my 40s I decided it was time to close the shop. I did not have the mourning you all have I was ready to be done with the bleeding and such. Also my kids were almost out of the house and I surely didn't want to start over.

I expressed to my doctor that I was ready to be done and knew that there would be no more children. He mentioned that a lot of women don't think about it as such and have the yearning for more. But one must be realisitc and know when enough is enough financially and emotionally. Besides there are other things that you can do as they get older and you can enjoy them exploring and finding out things that you knew and see it through their eyes as they see it for the very first time. Some of these memories are more endearing than having another baby.

So think of your life in chapters in a book. We all have a beginning a middle and an end and in the middle we have the most chapters of what has happened in our life.

Have a happy season and stay safe.

The other S.

As they say don't sweat the small stuff. You have healthy kids, enjoy what you have.

Now I just want a few more grandbabies to play with and send home.

I go through times like this too, and it's drives me crazy!!! I have three kids. For a long time after the second was born, I didn't think we'd have another. My husband was ready to stop at two (even though we had always talked about having 3-4). So having the third was no easy task. I am thrilled that I have three kids, and should be totally satisfied, but I find myself wondering what it would be like with four. When I weigh the pros and cons, the cons definitely win. We don't have the space in our house or car, money is tight already, I had a rough pregnancy with the third, the third has been a terrible sleeper and on...and on...and on.... But, somehow I'm still sad that the baby phase of my life is soon ending. We've gotten rid of almost all of the baby gear. He'll be out of the crib within the next year, we just got him a potty seat for Christmas! It's just hard to accept that this stage of my life, that I waited for and looked forward to for so long can be over so fast.

It wasn't my choice, either.

Being pregnant gives me cancer.

If I had my druthers, I'd have a HUGE family.

The hormones are the worst. Even after making peace with only have one... every 2 years like clockwork "babycravings" kick in. This isn't actually wanting another CHILD... but babyBabybabyBaby!!! The smell! The cute little toes!!! The snuggles! The pure trust! The singing/ rocking/ ittie bittie hands!!! BAAAAAAAAAABY.

Shudder. It lasts for about 6-12 months.

Puppies help. (It does the "baby-fix" right along with the UGH! cleaning up, not listening, etc. Like a human baby birth-4yo in 6mo... but you can put them in the kennel, and leave the house without a babysitter!)

Other people's babies help. Which is weird, I'd think they'd make it worse. But again, it's "baby-fix". Get to snuggle and rock and coo... and hand them back and get a good night's sleep. (window into the wonderful years of grandparenting).

But every 2 years, like clockwork for the last 9, babycravings hit.

I wanted more than 3..which I have. Mine are 8, 6, and 4. There are times that I see pregnant moms or new babies and want them, and then I spend a day with my 2 year old niece and remember that I'm good.

My kids are well provided for, but if we had another, that would be decreased. They do lots of fun things, but we are already stretched thin with the 3. They all sleep really well, no more diapers, bottles, gates, high chairs, etc.

I guess what makes it okay for me is knowing that my kids are still all huge cuddlebugs and huggers.

I could have a million more babies, but realistically, how many can I provide this lifestyle for?

And I felt guilty when I had my 2nd and 3rd...I felt bad for what the ones I already had would be losing...though in reality they didn't lose any of me or my time.

The more you have the harder it gets. Be grateful for the two you have...BUT if you really want more, I'd really talk to your husband about it. You never can afford a baby if you budget for it...IMHO. But we couldn't afford one more when we had any of ours, but we did it.

I don't miss having a baby per se, but I miss my kids as babies. I deal with it by just trying to live in the moment and enjoy each phase of their lives. I try not to rush them to grow up. I remind myself how hard having a baby is: no sleep, feedings, and the toll on my own body from pregnancy and birth. I don't miss being pregnant at all. By the third baby, it's not so special anymore, just miserable (for me anyway). I guess I'm just trying to say cherish what you have :)

Well, I had my tubes tied when I was 30, after #3 since my husband was SOOO over it. But of course I ALWAYS wanted more.

HUGE mistake.

I'm 45 now, and it's become sort of a quiet, dull regret in the back of my head. I mean, sensibly speaking I've got three fantastic kids of course, so really I should quit whining.

If my calculations are correct, I can get a BRAND NEW PUPPY every 10-12 years for the rest of my life! Sigh....

Probably it'll be easier for you.

Sorry, not exactly a pep talk, huh?

:(

I know what you mean. My youngest is 2 next month. I work fulltime and well it's a lot of work with three. I try to remember when I get sad about our decision...Is it because I am not having anymore when I know I could and all the attention you get or is it because I really want another? I think the answer is that we bask in the anticipation and the newness of life...:) The reality is we forget the constant work of a newborn and the added stress of having older children...Yep I remember the sleepless nights and find now as they get older it is so much easier in many ways. Now I just want to enjoy the blessings I have. I am also getting back into shape and losing weight. I would dread gaining all the baby weight again and having to start from scratch. I also feel liberated selling and donating all the baby stuff. We have more room and it feels really good.

I have 4 girls 11,5,2,and 1 and i got my tubes tied with the last baby. If i think about it too much, I get pretty sad, but then again the whole reason why I did it is this, my husband and I are both young 29, and right now its allllllllllllllll about the girls, we can't go out on dates as much as we'd like(mayyyybe 2X a year), we can't go out to diner without someone crying or having to go potty...11 times! So I told my hubby....if we have another baby say in...5 years, when are we gonna get to enjoy US? we never will, I love my husband dearly and I can't get anough of him but right now me and him time is on the back burner b/c between my 4 girls, full time work and full time mommy & wifey duties then throw in there doc appointments, errands...ect ect ect we just don't have any time for us. So although i was sad that I would never have another chance at having a son, I was happy that I had some sort of control over my future.I don't know if anything Ive said will help you in anyway, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

I always wanted 3 children, but because of complications we could only have two. We talked about adopting, but money held us back. Now that we could possibly afford it, we're too old. I'm 41, and my husband is almost 49. Our boys are 7 and 14 (in a couple of weeks). I still long for another occassionally, but enjoy the two I have so much. Sometimes I think it's because I have so much fun with my sons that it makes the longing worse. If I had more challenging children, I may not wish for more. ;)

When I get into one of my phases where I really start wishing I had a third child, I try to think about how much easier life is now that the boys are older, and remind myself that I will have grandchildren someday, too. I also go on frequent dates with my husband during these phases. That's something that is easy to do now, but was very difficult to do when the kids were younger. It reminds me of how difficult things would be, for awhile anyway, if we had another child. I also think about our budget and how much tighter it would be with a third child. I'm sure we would manage, but things would change.

I can't have a third child anyway, so changing the way I think helps me when I start to feel sad about it. I hope you find something that makes you feel better. ((hugs))

My youngest (of 4) is about 16 months old. I have known since we got pregnant that this would likely be our last. So it has been sad the whole time knowing it would be the last time I would feel a baby inside me, last time I would give birth and have my own newborn in the house, last time i would breastfeed, last time my baby would take his/her first steps, etc, etc. I am still very torn between my heart and my head. If my heart was in charge I would probably have 1 or 2 more, but if my head was in charge we would be done. Since my husband votes for being done and my head does too, that is 2 votes for stopping and only 1 for having more. So I guess stopping wins. I don't know when my heart will come to terms with that, I think it will take a long time, but I do think it will happen. I am not sure there is anything you can do to *make* it happen, I think you just need to let the desire slowly diminish over time.

I am currently 28 weeks with my 3rd boy (the other two are 3 and 1) and I STILL think about how sad I am that this is my last kid. Yep, super tired, uncomfortable, no money, no personal time, but I still think about how this is the last time I will be pregnant- and I'm sad about it. I think it is just something some mamas go through. We just love babies.
What I have been trying to do is focus on the blessings in front of me and turn my energies into nurturing them. When I do this, I feel a stronger connection to each of them and feel better.
I don't know if the feeling will ever go away, but I guess that means that I will be a good grandma?

I do know exactly what you're going through. I would've liked to have 4 kids, but my husband was also very firm that he wanted no more than 2. Any time the baby bug started biting me he would remind me how lucky we are to have 2 beautiful, healthy, happy kids, 1 boy, 1 girl who we can actually afford to raise. I know he's right, but in my darkest days it didn't help much. Now that they're older (almost 11 & 12 years old) I know it wouldn't make any sense to start over even though we're young enough to if we chose (I'm 34 & he's 35), but I think we did the right thing. We had our babies while we were young enough to have the energy to chase them & we'll still be nice & young when they're leaving for college (I'll be 42 when the baby graduated high school).

I am feeling it too :( I know in my head I am done but struggling a little with it. My cousin just had a baby boy so I have been going through things and sending them to her so I know they get good use but it's making me sad. Maybe it's a little early as my youngest is only 12 months, but better they get used than sit around my basement. I'm guessing once he gets a little more independent and we can comfortably go places without a "baby" it will feel a little better. Good luck and maybe some time will help. I think since your youngest is 3 this would be the time to start thinking about another and you just need to get over that hump.

OMG I just think about the sleepless nights, the neediness, the inability to communicate other than crying and I am glad my kids are a little older. Yes those were 'good' times but I am glad that I can go to the bathroom by myself, take a shower, leave for the night without worrying about them eating (nursing), and so on and so on.

Enjoy your nephew but enjoy your 'freedom' when you go home.

As our children get at this age and you know that their are no more little ones' that you are going to have is a normal feeling. I have 3 children and when my last started Kindergarten I felt the same as yourself. You will find in time that this feeling does go away. Once your children are into sports etc. and you have to take them here and there you realize that if you had a little one to get ready, how much more time would you need. Also keep in mind that as your children get older they can get pricier to.
They will have their friends over and your home will be filled with laughter.
If your a stay at home mom, maybe get into something Volunteer, so you dont' feel that void in your life. As you said a little one will be in the picture soon and once you see everything that needs to be done, as you did when yours were newborns', it gives' you some perspective of just how much time a newborn takes to care for. You will hear your SIL say I was up all night last night and in your mind you will be thinking "I'm glad thats not me now". Some take more time than others' but yes, you will get over that feeling. I think all of us moms' whose children have gotten older and there is no little one around we all feel the same. The feeling does and will leave you when you busy yourself with other things. I'm sure your children you have now very shortly will have you running here and there, they will soon tire you out and when you go to bed at night you'll be saying "thank goodness" I dont' have to get up 2-3 times in the night and I might just get a little sleep in.

I felt like this after my second, and I think I would feel like this even after my third but I had a traumatic pregnancy and a traumatic two months after having my third and I could never do that to myself or my family again :( So no longer have that feeling.

I had two healthy easy first pregnancies and then my third was missery...I love my youngest to death and I think we have a bond...(well I have a bond) to her that I never will with the other two as it is a miricle that we both made it through! Enjoy your gifts from God!!

Unfortunately I can't help you with this one because I have the same question. I have a 2 year old son and my husband says we are done (he has older children from a previous marriage). I just can't get the idea of another baby out of my head!

I know exactly how you feel. For me it comes in waves. Sometimes I'll be relieved I only have mine, then out of the blue, I'll get really sad I dont' have more. I was lucky and had a third oops baby. But I'm still a little sad! My family all has huge families for 7 or more (all on very little money, they just work hard and live simply), and I love big families. I started late and am not really in a good position to have more either, like you, my husband is done. But I'm hoping to adopt when my kids are a bit older. (Don't tell my husband). My son is 3, and lately he's been asking for a little brother, since he has two sisters, so that doesn't help! I'd love another son!!!! But anyway. Sometimes I feel content, and sometimes I feel really sad. So anyway, I'm just sympathizing. To be honest, I think your husband is being a little mean to just completely not consider your feelings at all. Maybe you can take a year (secretly) to be the happiest, most awesome, never complaining, most fun mom and wife on the PLANET and see if he may change his mind. Sometimes the pressure of a sad wife who wants more kids (if you've told him how you feel) works their oppositional buttons. Good work being thankful for the kids you have, and some of us moms who were meant to have tons of kids just ended up with the wrong husbands :)
BTW, I have a basement full of the final things my last has grown out of, and I just CAN'T DONATE YET :(
ps it's really hard too, because at 41, I need to have more NOW if ever, and I'm not having any NOW, so I have to sort of accept the end.

For me, we're thrilled not to have anymore, lol! We have 5 kids including triplets and I became a grandmother when the trio was almost 4. But there were times the first few years after the triplets were born that I felt sad I wasn't having anymore because we started out with quads and lost one so it felt like someone was missing. But then I had a granddaughter and the memories of what it's like to tend to a baby crying during the night came flooding back when we watched her for a week as an infant! We just watched her for 2 weeks in September and Gramps and I realized why we only have 5 kids, lol. She's well behaved and is 3 1/2 but they're work! We're totally settled into raising the kids we have left at home (16 year old and 7 year old triplets) and being grandparents and can wait before having more grandbabies, lol.

It's totally normal to go through a type of mourning period when you're done having children, whether it's your choice or not. But this will pass with time.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

What I would suggest is that neither of you do anything permanent in this area. No surgeries, etc. Minds have been known to change. Mine did. I was d.o.n.e. Um, not so much. My heart changed drastically and fast. It was pretty much overnight that I had a heart change. I now have 6, and would love more. I've had 3 losses (one twin and two full miscarriages). I am nearly 45, and so my thoughts of how to deal with being done having babies is not so much because someone doesn't want them, but that I am getting older and my body doesn't seem able to carry a baby to term anymore. Hard losses. I accept these things as from the perfect hand of God in His infinite wisdom and love. He knows what I need. He ordains all things. The losses certainly have grown me in my faith. I see His hand in my life through it all. I see joy even in the sorrow. I keep hoping, and we will not prevent anymore babies from being conceived. Perhaps we will get to keep another one here on earth. The Lord knows. Hang in there. Tomorrow may bring strange changes in your lives!