Domestic Violence - Ardmore,OK

This is very likely going to happen again. Abusers make promises, but they cannot keep them- especially when alcohol is involved.

You should not approach the husbands for several reasons... if they know that you know, they may start restricting their wives interactions with you. Right now, you are those women's ONLY support. You may also instigate an argument b/w husband and wife that won't end well.

Having said that, you would be wise to continue offering a safe environment. You may also want to consider offering to help them create a "safe escape plan". I worked in a women's shelter in grad school and can tell you that it typically takes numerous attempts before a woman will actually leave for good. In the meantime, encourage them to....
- Open a credit card in THEIR NAME ONLY & offer to have the statements mailed to your home
- Purchase a "pay-as-you-go" cell phone and use it ONLY in an emergency
- Set-up a cash savings account with a debit card and start funneling money into it a little at a time when they can... again you can have the statements sent to you
-Pack a bag with $100 in cash, the credit card, three days' worth of clothing and toiletries (for mom and kids) and stash it somewhere safe... could be your house
- Program a number for a crisis center and a cab company into her cell phone so that she can literally leave
- Remind them that they can come to your home, no matter what time of day or night
**If you think the children are in danger, you need to call CPS** This is not a safe or healthy environment for those children and I assure you that this has happened before (not to this extent) and it WILL happen again.

I would also suggest that you contact the local womens shelter and schedule an appointment yourself. Talk with a professional who is familiar with the resources in your community and can help you effectively counsel your friends. I used to meet with future-residents' friends regularly and help them use the "right words" and "get things in order" so the family could leave and begin healing.

If it were me, for the man who hit both his wife and his son, it would be alcohol treatment or out the door, but since it is not your husband you can not make that call. Just support your friend, and let her know you are there to help her should things get ugly again.

These men have been hitting them, once a man starts to hit a women he will never stop. The older they get the less they will do it, but they will still do it. Never of these men have put down the bottle or sought help, they will blame everyone but themselves and the cycle will continue. These women have to leave, it's HARD! It's very hard for them to leave, please encourage them to leave, encourage them to press charges. You only talked about one of them having kids, if they both have kids tell them to leave for the sake of the children, no one should be abused, especially a child. There are so many shelters out there for women and they really do HELP them, please please encourage them to leave.

Your response should be the same now, as then. If it was a one time thing, the men are horrified that it happened and have vowed to not drink, and get help, I could support the wife staying. Anything less, I would be worried for them and their children.

so difficult.
the best thing to do is to be there with love and support, and only with advice if they ask for it. research and have handy some resources they can turn to if their husbands don't reform.
of course my gut instinct is to say 'tell them to get out!' but as you say, when you're close to a person and know their individual story it becomes much more clouded.
remain as objective and supportive as you can.
khairete
S.