Doing Something the First Time I Ask

Wow!!! We are totally in the same boat (minus the 17 mth old) but my daughter is exactly the same way!!! I cant wait to see what advice you get... I could really use the help too. It's VERY frustrating!!! Good luck!!!

I know the feeling! My kids have almost the exact same age difference, the older being a girl, the younger a boy as well. It is so frustrating! I actually took a parenting class by a woman named Vicki Hoefle. She lives in Vermont and I had heard about her class from a bunch of friends who said it was amazing. Within a couple of weeks, I did not have to ask my daughter more than once to do something and often I did not have to ask at all. She has a home program which is the entire class on DVD and CD with a work book. I have heard she is going to be having a discounted sale in the next couple of weeks, so if you are interested, you can reply to this and I will send you the link when I get it. her site is www.parentingontrack.com
good luck!

What is your child doing when you ask her these things? Is she engrossed in her play? Is she watching TV?

It's hard to switch to one thing or another if she is. Think if you were writing at the computer and someone called you...RIGHT NOW! And you are still trying to create your piece and you are not really listening to the other person. Or if made to do it RIGHT THEN, your creative juices stop flowing( writing) and it feels unsettling. That could be going on with your daughter if she is engrossed in the moment.

And if she just turned four, that is still soooo young. Four years olds are learning about the world and themselves every minute. They don't always * get* consequences.

I would try to alter the environment. If you know you need to get ready and the TV is on then I would make sure it is off well before that time. Or gather the things she needs to tend to (shoes, etc)

Another thing would be to say "let's put on your shoes now" and be upbeat ( and breathe!) and be happy and do it WITH her. Maybe she is also feeling out of sorts because of the younger sibling and needs some extra understanding.

If she takes the toy from the brother, model to her how you want her to behave. Give it back to him and be gentle and explain to her that "he was playing with it and feels sad when you grab it, let's see what you can play with" and go find something and do it WITH her.

Above all else, if you say you don't want to be a nag, then don't. Oftentimes it's OUR behavior that we must change to see positive results.

Try to say yes more, or some form of the positive.

Hug her and explain WHY you need her to get ready NOW. She will soon get it :)

Breathe when you are starting to get aggravated and realize in the course of a lifetime, and the love you feel for your child, all these things are really not a big deal.

~M.
www.anestinnature.com
natural childcare/gentle preschool

Hello J., I would like to share something that was shared with me and still feeeeeels a little funny when my children actually do listen the 1st time.
first of all if you are giving 3 options and more it seems. Your child will wait till....you really mean it. I never imagine myself being a nag either.
You must say what you mean and mean what you say the first time. "look at my eyes"(gotta be sure that you have attention" what did i ask you? what are you going to do. A reminder-sounds like "I asked you 1 time already" instead of this is your 2nd warning... I allow them to ask for a minute if they are finishing or doing something and I give yes or now...
Mom listens when you ask the first time and that is what I expect from you. When they don't listen they need to sit down fold hands or sit on them and count to 5 then ask them why they are sitting.."because I didn't listen the first time" then if they still don't listen sit and count to 10 and so on They will get the message that you really mean what you say the first time. RELIEF! to all.
hope this helps you - it helps me allot.!!
We're all in this together.

I am having the same issue with my four year old son. I understand what you are going through - I hate being a nag, but COME ON! Even the smallest request can turn into a huge, time-consuming effort. My son is very sensitive and I really hate yelling at him because it affects him so negatively.

While I can offer you plenty of sympathy, I don't have much advice other than these little bits:

I've had some success if I get down to his eye level the first time I ask (when I'm still happy), make my request and explain why I need his cooperation. I try to do this in fewer than 30 words so I don't wear out his attention span.

I try to say "I need you to . . ." instead of "You need to. . ." because, quite honestly, he rarely "needs" the same thing I do and that little change in vocabulary is sometimes enough for him to not feel bossed around or like his interests are being hijacked.

On a similar note, I try to remember that he might be "busy" doing something "important" - no one, no matter their age, likes to be interrupted and made to feel like whatever they are doing is not important. I try to say, "I know you are building Legos now, but in the next five minutes I need you to put your shoes and coat on so we can go." or "Dinner will be ready in 8 minutes. Do you think you can get your project to a point where you can leave it until after we eat?" I have the greatest success with this one, especially if I can also do it at his eye level in a happy tone.

The only reason I say I have SOME success with these suggestions is this: I am successful getting his cooperation almost every single time I do things the way I've described. The problem is it takes a great amount of effort on my part to remember to do things this way and it can be thoroughly exhausting on those difficult days, so I am not as consistent as I'd like to be, especially toward the end of the week. (I stay home full time with my 4 and 2 year olds and my husband works extremely long hours, so I'm on my own most of the week without many chances to recharge my own batteries.)

I wish you lots of patience and please please let me know if you get any other suggestions that work!

Oh, and when I do feel like I've made my requests in a respectful way and given him plenty of time to do his part, if he still doesn't cooperate he suffers whatever natural consequences occur: he gets his shoes and coat on in the car (which horrifies him to leave the house only half ready) or he finds his dinner cold and I decline to leave my meal to microwave it. I reheat it when I'm through eating. He hates this and usually screams, but if I've made my effort I feel okay about it.

Hi - I've noticed in the past alot of mom's on this forum recommend a book called "Magic 1,2,3" to other moms having similar issues. With 3 children I rarely get a minute to sit down and read anything, but recently I was browsing at a book shop in an airport and came across it. I picked it up just out of curiousity and let me tell you - I didn't put it down once during my flight! I couldn't wait to come home and test out the methods and, by golly, they work!! Suddenly my children are well behaved and I never have to yell, or say much of anything! So I guess I am now one of those mom's who recommends this book. If you find a minute to read something - check it out!

Hi J., buy the book 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. It's easy to understand and gives you every possible scenario you will encounter with your child. It works!

Thank you for asking this question and thanks to all who responded. I'll be returning to this thread to remind myself of the useful suggestions. I think in my attempts to respect my daughter's interests, I'm not consistent in being clear/firm about my expectations for her respect. It's comforting to know we're not alone.
Best,
J.
PS. I have purchased, but not yet read Negotiation Generation which I hope will also be relevant. I'll try to reply again when I get to it. :-)

The most awesomest two things I ever did is a rewards system and counting. My kids are eight now, and I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have two kids who make up their beds, brush their teeth, clean their room etc all WITHOUT being told....I know it sounds amazing. People think I have awesome kids, or that I'm an awesome parent. But I know it's these two systems. It's a matter of sticking to them and using them to encourage and do positive discipline.

The rewards system: we started out with stickers, graduated to puffy stickers, when the chart is full (I mean whole page covered) my kids got to chose a fun family activity or to buy something fun. When they grew out of stickers, they graduated to cubes in a plastic jar (kindergarten) when the jar was full...In 1st grade to now, they do tally marks for everything: good behavior, chores, etc. They have to get 5 points for every $1 to purchase something (They are great with saving points and doing math) or they can pool their points and buy something together or they can save their points towards a big family event (they're trying to figure what it would mean to save up for Disney. :D)

Then there is the counting. I had a friend who insisted that her kids had to COME when she called their name. Immediately. I always felt like my kids could tell from the way I screeched their name when it was life or death or an emergency. I didnt feel like I needed to treat my kids like they were in the military. I also understand that like us, sometimes they're finishing up something. So I count to five. Sometimes I count fast, sometimes I count slow. If they dont come by five they lose points. If they're there before I get to five, they get a point.

I can't tell you how amazing this works. The one other thing I did is, in order to do a fun project or play on the computer or watch a video, the house has to be clean, meaning the living room, play room and bedrooms and their homework for the day has to be done. All of these are earned. The only things that are not earned are play dates or time outside (exercise) - I felt those are part of social and health development too important to withhold.

How well does this work? My kids are now at the point where they ask for a ToDo List. Yes, I mean it. "Mom, where is today's ToDo List." They know when they're done and the house is clean their time is theirs. And they manage their homework so that they have more free time during the week to have play time. They know on their ToDo list is piano practice, spanish, and exercise. THEY MANAGE their time. From this my kids have learned goal setting, self-discipline, and time management. They know a little bit a day makes a big difference. The other day my daughter came to me and said a greeting in spanish. My son asked me the difference between two spanish phrases that mean the same thing basically.

The other day my son said, "Mom, I gotta get home, I gotta get the last of my math homework done so I can have the rest of the week free." (He still has to do spanish and piano every day, but to that to him is free. :D)

Sounds amazing right? I started with stickers and counting. Yes, I had time outs in there for outright disobedience...but stickers and counting. It was hard in the beginning, now it's easy peasy. When something wasnt working I switched to something that would, but I kept in mind that I was teaching my kids how to set goals, reward themselves, and time management. And my husband is just amazed.

I can't say enough how well this works.

S
ps. The neat thing about the counting is you're giving them time to pull themselves out of the activity. The extra super neat thing about the counting...you dont have to threaten anything--it just works, it's like you get close to the number and they come running (LOL!).

(Edited 04/20/09)
I saw the response from someone that you shouldn't be rewarding kids for things they should automatically do. Just wanted to add that I used to reward my kids for things like making their beds when they were five. I no longer have to do that. Somehow the good feelings from "accomplishing" something and getting a star stays with them and that carries them forward. And just like we adults should be setting goals and the good feelings or rewards that come with meeting those goals. The same is true for kids.
The goals and tasks become more difficult, but the awareness that they have always been able to accomplish things stay with them. So what tasks you set and how you reward them is constantly changing.
Best of luck, no matter what you choose to do.
S

Hi,

My experience has been that 4 year olds are a very stubborn lot. In fact I just read a children's book to my (now 5 yr old) son called "Dinofours" - as the title suggests they are tough - and bossy too! Best of luck. I HATE yelling and I found myself doing a lot of that just to get his attention - it seemed he didn't hear me the first 8 times I said to put on his shoes. I don't think I have really good advice for this other than when you want the shoes on you have to hand her the shoes and get right down to her level - physically- and say "put your shoes on now" - otherwise it is like they don't even know you are in the house!

Good luck - and remember "this too shall pass"

OMG!!! This sounds like my daughter who has just turned 9!!!!

I have tried taking her most prized possession away after the third warning and although she apologizes and promises to do better next time, there is always a next time and usually in the same day!!!! It seems she easily forgets about what I took away and handles it almost too well and moves on to some other toy. I would have to banish her from everything in the house I think to affect her. It is frustrating because I feel like I am always getting after her and the sound of my own voice, when all I want to do is enjoy the time we have.

I am hoping that someone can give us some advice.

My son (who turns 7 this summer) is the same way. Sometimes I think he just didn't hear the first time but then the next thing I say (ex. "Okay, you want water with your dinner not juice.") and I go to get it then he answers the question. What I do is say his name first to make sure I have his attention. I also give him the heads up. For example, "Robert, we'll be eating dinner in five minutes." Then I'll add, "Did you hear me?" just to make sure he did. Saying the name first really seems to help.

Hi J. - ohhh, we all feel your pain! I always found with my step-son (who is now 14) that giving him a kinda of warning/head's up before we needed to do something really helped - so like when the television needed to go off, I'd pop my head in and say "ok - 10 mins and then the tv's going of because we're going out, ok?" and make sure i got a response back (preferably yes of course!). this way he knew what was happening and had to engage with me about it. If I knew it might be a struggle I'd go in 15 mins before and then give him another head's up at 5 mins. I know this may seem like you're just replacing the asking, but I found it makes it more of a conversation/collaboration and then he was more willing - because it's different then just being asked - which to him meant just being TOLD - what to do.

good luck with it! it make take some cajoling but you'll find a way to make it worth her while to start responding a bit quicker i'm sure!

All the best,
V.

J.,

I'm so glad you asked this question! My son is almost five and he does this, too. It is extremely irritating! Here are a few techniques that I use to help him be a "better listener:"

1. Sing the instructions. Sometimes I make up a tune, and other times I use something he knows (Twinkle Twinkle, for instance).
2. Whisper the instructions.
3. Give out random points. "Ten points if you come to dinner right now!" The points are completely arbitrary, and we never keep track.
4. Make the task a Secret Mission. "Your job is to get out of the bath as quickly as you can, dry off, run by the bad guys to your room, and get dressed without them seeing you. Go now! Go!"
5. Turn the task into a race. "Can you get dressed before I do? On your mark, get set, go!"
6. Set a timer, or count. "Can you pick up all of the red toys before I get to twenty?"

We have to mix it up a bit. When the novelty wears out on a particular strategy, you will probably need to come up with something new.

I'll be checking back to see what other helpful Moms add.

When you warn her "I've asked you twice, next time I'm going to be angry" be sure you are making eye contact and also say "because you are not listening" Then if she makes you ask a third time give her a time out for not listening.

When she listens the first time tell her "thank you for listening to mommy. That makes me very happy" and give her a hug :)

I read someplace that we are too polite to our children when we want them to do what we want. We always ask please and in a nice voice. We do that so that our children will be polite. A good thing, right? However, children need us to be more assertive. I don't mean screaming and yelling but when we talk to them we must demand respect. When my 4 year old doesn't listen I take things away from her (i.e. her favorite doll for the day or until after dinner, or the like). She gets upset and it's hard the first few times you do it because she might cry like you cut her left arm off but it pays off in the long run. A more productive method I use is to (for instance) let her choose the shoes she wears (only two options) or set a timer of 2-5 minutes before she HAS to do something. These things seem to give her the type of control she wants. They don't work all the time but they do mostly. I completely feel your pain. We struggled this morning but last week was great. I hope this helps you. Good luck!!

I don't think this behavior is unusual for a four year old, but to avoid a lifetime of "nagging" I would start a reward chart. Give her a sticker/stamp or something every time she does something the first time she's asked (let her apply them). After a set number of stickers, give her a reward. Something involving time spent with mom and/or dad is best. But obviously something she wants. I wouldn't make too much fuss the times she doesn't do things the first time asked... just don't give her the sticker. But DO make a big deal of the times she does do things the first time asked. At first the rewards should come frequently. As she gets better at it, the rewards can become fewer and farther between.

I did this with my daughter when she was in the first grade -- getting ready for school was a nightmare! We talked about why we were doing the chart ( we both hated the way things went in the morning.) I told her up front that the rewards would eventually go away. It still worked better than I could have ever imagined! It was a matter of creating a habit pattern.

Good luck to you!

Hi J.,

I was reading your post and got the feeling you were writing about my daughter (just turned 4 the beginning of this month). I struggle with this too! One thing that helps us is to let her know what is going to happen ahead of time. "After this __________, we are going to ___________." She goes to daycare 4 days a week and even though the routine is pretty much the same every day, we still need to give her a play by play of how the morning is going to go. I find that it also helps to add in additional time for things (and I stress "try" b/c this can be really difficult). In the morning, my husband and I are often really rushed getting ready for work and it is really easy for us to get frazzled with our daughter when she is not on our schedule. Things go so much smoother when we stay positive. I agree with the other posts that state it is hard to leave one activity right away and move onto the next. Whenever possible, I try to say "why don't you play with your toys for 10 minutes while I am getting your sister ready. Then we are going to do ______" That way she knows that we are going to do something else soon. Good luck!

Funny.....your 4 yr. old sounds EXACTLY like my 25 yr. old boyfriend!! I'll say something over and over, and he is SO into the TV that he doesn't hear a word until i yell, then he yells back, "WHAT?!" ARRGHHH LISTEN THE FIRST TIME!! Maybe the advice you receive about your 4 yr. old can help me with my 25 yr. old "son". Haha, good luck. Wish i could offer more help.

I've been told that you should ask just once and then expect it to get done. I also like going with the natural consequences. So, like, if she doesn't put her coat on...she'll be cold. I should mention though that I like to let my daughters listen to their bodies. So if I say "Please put on your coat" and they don't want to, I'll let them just bring the coat with them. If it's really cold outside, then I'll tell them to go feel outside before they make their decision. Natural consequences work best at my house and I like it because I'm not punishing...I'm just letting them see the results of their own behavior. If you give kids the opportunity to make a decision they appreciate it and are more willing to comply when it's important.
As far as dinner goes, give her a 5 minute warning and find a way to measure the time, ie setting a timer for 5 minutes. When giving the warning say something like "Hey, in 5 minutes it will be time for us to eat dinner. I'll set the timer and when it goes off I'd really like for you to sit at the table with the family." Have her help you set the timer and let her do her own thing until the timer goes off. When the timer goes off, say " ok! Time to sit at the table." And expect her to do it. Don't repeat yourself. At first she might play around with this new freedom and wait to come to the table. Your job is to just go about dinner as usual. You could by mid-meal remind her that if she is hungry she should have something to eat before the table is cleared. Eventually she'll learn that she needs to eat when everyone eats.
Set your own boundaries and let her know when you are not willing to bend. Like " I'm not willing to clean up your toys by myself, you'll have to help me." Also, it helps to gain cooperation if you show kids that you understand how they feel ie "I can see that you are upset with me and..." or " What I hear you saying is that you don't want to clean up your toys because (and then repeat whatever it seems the reason is)" Try to work with them to solve the problem. When she feels heard, she'll calm down and be willing to comply.

Good luck!

We had this problem with our 3-year-old son and were able to solve it with two techniques. The first others have already mentioned, but it is so important: if your daughter is engrossed in another activity, make sure to give her a warning that she will need to do something else shortly. It could just be "I know you are busy playing now, but in one minute I'd like you to come let me brush your hair." The second thing is to make sure there is a consequence if she doesn't do what you ask the first time AND immediately. When you allow her to routinely get two chances to follow your instructions it lets her know that it is not important to listen to you the first time. Because it can be difficult for us to tell when our child is actually getting ready to follow our instructions or when he's procrastinating, what we do is ask him to do something and then, if we've any doubt as to whether he's doing it or if he's doing it too slowly, we say, "I'm going to count to three. If you haven't picked up the book by 3, you'll have a time out." Now we actually just start counting because he already knows what happens if he hasn't done whatever it is by 3. You could insert whatever consequence you want in place of the time out (we put him in time out in a corner and only let him stay there for two minutes -- we use a timer for this so he can't negotiate the length of the time out). The important thing is that there is an immediate consequence for not following instructions. Our son still occasionally gets time outs, but he's only 3, after all. He still has to test the limits sometimes. His behavior has improved dramatically since we began instituting the 1-2-3 rule. Good luck!

I don't have any advice for you but I'm posting this because I am going through the exact same thing with my 4 year old daughter. Nothing seems to work. I've tried explaining to her when we're both calm and she promises she'll listen from the next time and she's an angel for some time after the talk, but then it happens all over again! Eating, going out, bathing, dressing, bathroom - everything is a chore. I hate myself for yelling at her, but it becomes so frustrating after having to ask her to do everything 50 times (exaggerating, of course!) that I end up yelling. Taking away her favorite toys, not allowing any treats, sending her to her room, - nothing has worked. I am also desperately seeking advice from all you experienced mums out there.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things. Please don't give up and get angry. This is all part of getting them to understand that their job in your family is to obey you, not frustrate you so you can't be a good mother. Your kids may be too young to understand right now, but the time will come. Demonstrating your own self-control teaches them a lot.